#of having the conversation as well now like since lockdowm

[cruelsister-moved2]

ugh i kind of want to do my diss about music + trance states possibly gender mediation through trance states or something like that but ritual and trance have been a hot topic in ethnomusicology for ages so I doubt itd be very original whereas ik the stuff ive been getting into about englishness, the past, race, and cultural hybridity is more hot off the press or whatever plus ive done it before so i have a lot of groundwork already. and then I feel like what I would love to do abt neurodivergence would actually feel like the thing thats most important and revelatory but I genuinely dont know how I would actually go about it like i think id have to do fieldwork or something like I feel really out of my comfort zone when im not basically just synthesising theory from two previously unconnected fields I know that is basically what my brain is just good at 😭😭😭 basically torn between what I should do what I can do and what I want to do eeeek

#I think when term starts I can just like bring my three ideas to my supervisor and see what they say #Im literally just so scared of making a fool of myself that I want to come with like everything already laid out or something like #I have a year to do it I don't think I have to have started before term begins 😭😭😭 #and wrt the second one like that is important too it's just that firstly it's a very small field and secondly ik there are other ppl kind #of having the conversation as well now like since lockdowm #when I started they were still v much in nationalism and I was like I think race and the empire is like an underexplored component in this #but I think 2 years on there are definitely like wheels turning more now #and also outside of trad like it's been explored for years most of what I did was just like taking decades old work and inserting it here #its just that this is honestly a very very white field (which is exactly like. my point) so nothing really made it in #and like idk its weird as a white person to try n make my career out of that I don't want to do that Im also just like in 3 years of this I #have not had one non white lecturer or classmate #so it does feel like it kind of. is my job to make the ppl around me think abt like. why that is #ik if I go into arts education racial equality will always be a big part of my priorities but like. my goal would really be helping someone #to become A Voice on the issue rather than trying to be that myself which I think is an important distinction #sorry this is so long and. no one cares this is just my thinking to myself place and also I need to remember what my prev thoughts where #I mean if anyone is like oh that one sounds dumb or whatever then i welcome that ayeueisidhdj but im just like u don't like. have to read #this I know its sooo rambly