#of course the judge mispronounced my middle name. part of the reason I want to change it. imagine being named cock. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

queennicoleinboots · 3 years

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Doing Business As Swamp Business in Summer 2021 (Pauno POV)

Aaaand here I am again, in the same swamp I was in April 2020 and January 2021 in Social Circle, GA. How the hell I end up here is beyond my Greek God comprehension. I assume I keep going into some portal at work that leads me here. They really should close that off, but no one listens to me. They've been jabbed.

And it's swampier than normal this summer, swampier than it was back in January. Hell indeed has come to Earth. Hades wasn't joking when he said he was burning the Earth. Even some trees were on fire.

The emissions of spike proteins from jabbed people have been on the rise. That's not a conspiracy. That's a fact.

My ex-wife, Kendrick, stupidly got herself jabbed, and I finalized the divorce a month ago. There was no way I was going to stay married to a jabbed person. She chose her side, and I was going to be no part of it. So out on her ass she goes.

I have been dating Artemis, Greek Goddess of nature, hunting, vegetation, chastity, and childbirth. And she was walking with me through these strangely familiar trees and muggy swamp paths.

We walked together and saw the Amazonian woman with long brown curly hair, green eyes covered with leopard print glasses, and giant breasts who wore a purple crop top with a pink bekini. She was doing ballet, and when she would leap, I could see the bottom of her boobs. I couldn't help but stare. I love boobs A LOT.

Artemis looked over at the Amazonian curly-haired woman and approached her. "You look familiar. Have I seen you before?" she asked as she looked her up and down and had her jaw dropped.

The Amazonian woman looked at Artemis with her right eyebrow raised and shrugged. "I don't remember at all, but maybe we crossed paths before. I've met a lot of people. I dunno." She shrugged with her arms and grinned awkwardly. "But I know you're Artemis, Greek goddess of nature, hunting, vegetation, chasity, and childbirth."

"Correct. I remember you being on TV back in the 1980s... but you looked similar but different. Like you talked to Hermaphroditus recently," Artemis said.

"Actually, I have. She was the one who gave me the ability to switch genders at will. She was part of the gender reassignment program the government funded with the stimulus bill in December 2020," the Amazonian woman answered with an extremely sexy smile. Her smile was extremely familiar... her teeth were sort of like a vampire's... I know someone else who has teeth like that... She is extremely hot, hot enough to be a porn star... I know who this is.

"I know who you are now! You're Peter Wallace Parker from "Artie Wonderbloom Went Wild in California," aren't you?!" Artemis asked.

My boner felt confused. I just stared at her. IT WAS A TRAP!!!!

She sighed cutely (definitely a trap) before she spoke, "I was, yes, but I changed my name. Peter isn't a girl's name." She sighed and rolled her gorgeous green eyes.

'Remember. That's actually a dude,' I thought to myself.

She still acted like Peter.

The swamp bubbled up before a man with shaggy red hair started crawling from the large puddle in the middle of said swamp. He was covered in mud. He looked familiar as well. He looked like someone who frequented my sex and cocaine parties. He then hugged Peter around his curveous, milky waist. Peter was a very convincing girl. He had great boobs.

'GO AWAY BONER!!!!' I shouted inwardly to myself.

"Xaria, I have found you," the man covered in mud said as he kissed the left side of the other dude's curveous, smooth, milky body.

Goddamn I still hate transexuality. I am not even an iota of gay. This is not funny at all. Why the hell would anyone change their gender? That's fucking retarded. Sounds like part of a commie plan. Let's confuse everyone's genders so that people no longer have their true identities. Why else would they include gender reassignment to a stimulus package? I'm still disgusted with the idea. So apparently the ideas of boys and girls are going to be replaced with purple penguins. Jesus Christ, we need your help to fix this shit. My boner is confused about these things.

Peter, or should I say Xaria, smiled and put his dainty yet long fingers around those of the other man. "Oh hey, Jared. Why the hell did you emerge from the mud?"

King Joebear then growled a great bear growl before announcing, "That's great, and now excuse me, I need to lick ass." To relieve his stress and anxiety, he mauled Xara, his wife who is AN ACTUAL FEMALE and licked her nice ass.

To relieve my stress and anxiety, I jacked off.

Count Macrula was singing an angelic opera to summon a swamp drain in the middle of the swamp to relieve his stress and anxiety. He looked more stressed than any of us. He needed to find some CBD and beer quickly.

"BAE WHUHH!!!!" Xara shouted as she shook her divine booty and did the backfat dance in front of us. She was bleeding like a stuffed pig. Xara's ass is legendary. If she were single and I were single, I would be after that booty. Swiggity Swoogity.

King Joebear growled before he mauled her and started to lick her ass for the second time.

Count Macrula laughed a hearty laugh before he addressed Kissy, the small orange cat Xara and King Joebear had. "I am not going to lick your cat ass if that's what you are implying."

Kissy looked at Count Macrula in confusion before she meowed again. "No. I definitely did not call you for that. I simply meowed out of enjoying pizza crust," she said.

We went down the swamp drain in a clockwise direction because we were in North America.

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Unfortunately, I ended up back in Maryland and back at my job. I was surrounded by Commies. They were in support of this New World Order. I tried to tell them what was going to happen and about Proverbs, Psalms, and Revelation, but they argued with me. I showed them documentation of what was happening in the government, military, 9-11, Area 51, and Pizzagate, but they looked at me as though I WERE the crazy one. This job is so frustrating.

There were five other people with me working on the project. My girlfriend, Artemis was one of them. I managed to get her a job with me, and she was good at it. Then, a meathead who looked like a GI-Joe action figure was in our group. We'll call him G-I. Of course, there was that Tolkien black guy in the group. His name was Baaaahlah Barnes. He was a black goat who happened to hate other black goats. He also hated when you mispronounced his name.

Persephone, the Greek Goddess of spring growth and swamp growth and Queen of Hell was also trying to help design the program of this project. She looked a lot like Xara, strangely enough. She spent more time arguing with the program than actually typing in commands. I think she was hired for comedic relief.

Last but least there was redheaded Jared, another transexual. She used to be a girl, but she was probably tired of being catcalled and a result, changed her gender. She was new, and come to think of it, she was at several of my wild parties before. She makes jewelry for weddings when she isn't here.

"Son of a bitch!" Artemis said as she was trying to code a program to misdirect the military in the event that they swarm the streets of American cities in broad daylight.

"Yes. Technically I am one. My mother was a bitch. That's why I am a therapist when I am not here or making jewelry," Jared said as she was whizzing through the coding. There is a lot we don't know about Jared.

Artemis snort-laughed. "Yeeeaaaahhhh! Mine is, too. She never taught me programming. Meanwhile, I'm trying to put the 1 here, and it is wanting to put a 0," she said. "Programming wasn't popular back in my day."

So that's how I know Jared. She was catcalled too many times as a therapist. I know that for a fact.

"You need to put a slash here, Artemis," I said as I clicked on the spot where she tried to connect too many 1s at a time.

"Oh yeah! Wow! How did I miss that?!" Artemis yelled. "Oh yeah, because I am NOT the Greek goddess of programming and computer technology."

I threw my head back and laughed.

"Neither am I, apparently," Persephone said as she stared intently at the computer screen with her gray eyes and legitimately growled.

"Yeah. My dad is always busy at Greek God meetings, and my mother is always at a parent-teacher conference. They aren't concerned with teaching me programming language" Artemis said as she typed more code.

"Damn. So who taught you to program?" I asked.

"I did!" Jared said. "Artemis is a quick learner."

I didn't know Greek Goddesses needed human therapists. The hell's going on here?

"Who taught you to program?" I asked Jared.

"My dad," Jared said as he, too, worked on a program that would have dancing bears interrupt a government simulation.

"Sounds like a nice man," I said as I was working.

"He is," Jared said.

All of a sudden, Xaria entered our warehouse area through a computer. He was wearing black nylon bekini panties and a black and red plaid short tank top. We could see his tummy. He looked around and was shocked. "Wow! How the hell did I end up here?"

Baaaahlah Barnes, Persephone, and G-I looked over and oogled at Xaria's large breasts.

Baaahlah Barnes bleated loudly. "Holy Shit. You're hot as hell! I don't know how you got here but you hot as hell!"

"I probably maybe designed a program that brought you here. Your sexy outfit is a bonus, Xaria," Persephone said as she licked her small lips.

G-I was looking her up and down. "Whoa! I am glad you're here! This job just got interesting!" he said. That motherfucker was loud when he talked.

"Judging by your outfit, I can assume you were doing a cam show," I said flatly.

"Of course. That's my new job, given the pandemic. I have hardly any reason to leave my house unless I forage for food for my mom and me. AAAAND!!!! I don't have to do drywall anymore!" Xaria said with a huge smile.

"Wait a minute! You did drywall?" Baaahlah Barnes asked.

"Yeah. My family got me into it. I hated it. Haaaaated it!" Xaria sang.

"How the hell does a woman do drywall?" Baaaahlah Barnes asked.

"That explains the muscles! Holy shit!" G-I said. His voice hurts my ears.

Should I let the cat out of the bag?

"There's a reallly long story behind that," Xaria said.

"She spoke to Hermaphroditus, the goddess of sex changes and intersexuality," Artemis answered as she saved her work and gave her undivided attention to Xaria.

No. She let the cat out of the bag.

Xaria cleared his throat. "That shortened the story. But yes, I got a sex change through the government reassignment program. I would do anything to get out of doing drywall."

Baaaahlah Barnes bleated and said, "WHAT????!!!!! You got sex change surgery to get out of doing drywall!? HahahahahahHAH! That is crazy as hell man!" He laughed loudly and slapped his knees. His chest was heaving from laughter.

G-I scratched his head and just oogled her. "Wow. It worked in your favor. You are a super hot woman!"

"Yes. It seemed like a good fit given that I always had female tendencies anyway," Xaria said with a damnably cute grin.

"Were you gay before?" G-I asked.

Xaria scoffed off at him. "I'm *bisexual.* There's a difference," he said as he rolled his eyes.

He's giving me a weird boner with his green eyes. I'm not going to acknowledge it.

"So, have you fucked a lot of dudes?" G-I asked.

"I've had lots of interactions in general. I used to be a legitimate porn star... as a man," Xaria said.

Baaahlah Barnes bleated. "Oh yeah. You were Peter Parker. I watched a lot of yo shit, man!" he exclaimed with more laughter. He threw his head back and just busted up laughing.

"So, you like both guys and girls. And you had a very popular dick. What would possess you to cut it off?" G-I asked.

That was a very good question. I couldn't imagine that. I'm shuddering at the thought.

"I have always been sterile," Xaria said with a smirk. "I have no idea why."

"Truly a shame. You would have made beautiful spawn. I should have fucked you. You wouldn't be so sterile then," Artemis said.

"And you could have fucked me. Your seed would have made me quite pregnant," Persephone said as she was inching toward the hologram of Xaria Wonderboom.

"But since Artemis and Persephone haven't fucked Peter, he indeed has been sterile. I can attest for that," Jared said.

G-I and Baaaahlah Barnes looked at Jared in shock.

"How?!" G-I shouted.

"Jared's a tranny, too," I said to him flatly. 'Goddamn you're an idiot!' I thought.

Xaria was smiling when he said, "Jared and I got our surgeries together. The latest government stimulus package included gender reassignment, so we thought, 'Why not?' It would be a good way to stop carrying parts that didn't work, AND most importantly, I can get out of doing drywalllll!!!" Xaria had to sing "drywall." He hated it that much.

"Meanwhile, I have his penis and balls attached to me now," Jared said. "I donated my breasts to people that wanted boob jobs. As for my vagina, I donated it to a dude who happened to be the same size as me. I hope this person enjoys it as much as I did."

I blinked. I was having an interesting day. "This is proof that medical science is crazy. Actually crazy," I said. "The correlation between economic stimulus and gender reassignment is beyond me."

"Popular demand?" Xaria asked.

"Why can't the government use the money to actually help people?!" I shouted.

"You mean like things like food, shelter, clothes, rent, and toiletries that people actually need to survive?" Jared asked.

"YES!" I shouted as fire burned in my green eyes. The office was beginning to transform.

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We heard a big bear snore in the cave we were in.

"Bruh, how the hell did we get here?" Baaaahlah Barnes asked.

"Pauno transferred us to a bear cave in one of his rages. Talking about any kind of government spending that does not make sense to him transports people to random places," Artemis said. "Needless to say, I have travelled the world in less than 30 days."

King Joebear snored and then rolled over.

Jared was charmed by Xaria's green eyes and grinned before looking up at him. "Apparently, we should have kept our genders," she said as she put her dainty fingers around longer fingers of Xaria.

Those must have been their therapy sessions all the time. No wonder Xaria is such a slut.

"If I would have known we'd travel in a bear cave over it, then I would have probably NOT taken advantage of the gender reassignment program the government was offering. The stimulus bill didn't stimulate me at all. NOW IF WE WERE TO CHANGE THAT TO A STIMULUS BELINDA, then maybe I might have been stimulated by the idea. And maybe Pauno would have transferred us to an island in the Carribbean instead of a random bear cave," Xaria said as he wrapped his arm around Jared's waist.

This is what talking to a liberal sounds like. I have no idea how to respond.

Persephone emerged from farther inside the cave. "Keep it down, Xaria. My bear is trying to sleep," she said as she grabbed his butt. She then moved her hands around the tranny's legs, groin, and boobs. She then gave his lips a big kiss.

(How the hell did Persephone end up deep in the cave? The fuck is going on?)

"BOOBS!!!! I am Pauno, the Greek God of parties, being supportive, wine, and crack cocaine," I said as I brought down bottles of wine, crack cocaine, and gyros.

Persephone then went over and ate a gyro. Kissy jumped on the table and ate a different gyro with her.

Xaria snorted a few lines of crack cocaine. "At least I quit drinking!" he said with a cute grin.

Artemis drank some wine, snorted crack cocaine, and ate gyros.

Baaaahlah Barnes ate gyros. "I don't drink or do drugs anymore."

"I am proud of you," I said as I took a swig of red wine.

"Red Wine" by UB 40 began to play in the background.

Persephone was patting Kissy's ass to the beat of the song. Kissy let out a little meow and laid next to Persephone. Persephone pet Kissy.

King Joebear growled loudly as he came out of within the cave. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he shouted. "Where's my oatmeal!?"

"Ooh hoo Bear!!!!!" Persephone shouted in excitement. Then she growled like a bear at him.

G-I was drinking, snorting cocaine, and eating some serious gyros.

Jared ate a gyro, too.

Xaria looked at me with a huge smile before he gave me a huge hug. My penis forgot that Xaria was actually a dude. I thought about pushing him off of me, but all I could say was, "You're welcome. A hug is all that a Greek God will allow thee. And even then, 10 seconds is the maximum allotted time." I then brought down a bowl of oatmeal for hungryass King Joebear. I did not want to be mauled by a bear.

Jared sighed and pulled Xaria off me before giving him an encompassing hug. "You're a bad girl," she said as she ran his hands underneath his top and was touching his back.

"I am going to fuck you," Xaria whispered and winked to Jared. "Let's go in this cave."

"Please do! Your vagina feels so lovely!" Jared said softly as she led Xaria into the cave while looking up at him longingly. She wanted some pussy.

Count Macula, Jr. barrelled out of the cave with a serious look on his face. He had an announcement to make, "I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs." Then he barrelled right back in that cave.

Oh that's right. Count Macula, Jr. repeats himself nine times instead of eight because he had a birthday recently. Oh that's obnoxious.

I went over the table where everything was and downed a few glasses of wine. "HOLY SHIT WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!" I shouted.

"GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted with conviction from within the cave. He growled nine times for effect.

King Joebear shouted, "I'm out! I can't do anything! This is too gay for me."

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Even if we were out of the warehouse, we couldn't say anything considered racist in 2021. There was a black guy who claimed to be African American. I agree with Count Macrula when he says that aren't actually African Americans unless they were actually born in Africa or had parents that were born in Africa.

So, I yelled in my car where only Artemis could hear me, "Stay in your own lane, you stupid N*bbr!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Count Macula, Jr. yelled in the lane next to me. Persephone was driving and trying to maintain patience as she drove behind the slow-moving black cadillac.

I drove next to Persephone and Count Macula, Jr. and honked and waved. They waved back. They had five fingers on each hand and/or paw. They weren't part of the Nephalem. Most Nephalem had six or seven fingers on each hand.

I passed by them and took Artemis and myself home. We had more wine and sat down to research what was going on in the universe.

As we searched the Internet for real news, we discovered RTN, the Real Truth Network. King Joebear and Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing were the news anchors that were broadcasting to us. King Joebear growled to the other bears who were watching and then translated what he said into English.

King Joebear spoke, "The Internet and world has changed as we know it. There is 'no going back to normal.' The New World Order Is Here. They have Minutemen III nuclear missiles stationed right outside of Washington D.C and 35 miles off the Coast of Hawaii. Youtube, Facebook, and even Odysee are more censored than ever. Trump supporters and the Proud Boys are planning riots under the Cat Intelligence Association's nose. Most major cities are deserted. And Hell on Earth has officially opened possibly due to CERN portals and/or Hades himself. There will be more updates on that story as we read more of Revelation in the Bible. The good news is, after Tribulation, Jesus will rule the Earth for a thousand years."

"At least it has been peaceful in Washington D.C., Athens, GA, Logantown, GA, Los Angeles, CA, the United Kingdom, and Tybee Island, GA. Washington D.C. is now deserted due to high prices of living and the Capitol of the United States moving to Denver, Colorado. South Africa is still being swallowed up by Hell, and floods are literally spiking up all over the globe. Germany and parts of China are starting to resemble the lost city of Atlantis. A large population of merefolk have moved into those cities, causing the revenue to INCREASE in those countries and cities..... who the fuck writes these teleprompters?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing blurted out as he threw his right paw in the air.

King Joebear busted up laughing before he cleared his throat. "The news is no laughing matter. You are now required to wear a mask before you leave your house. 'Go back to normal, according to the Center of Disaster and Plague Control and Prevention', my fat bear ass. Proof of getting the jab will be required to enter into any grocery store or department store. It will also be required to buy or sell online in 2022. FEMA camps will also be the likely future housing situation for those of us who resist the narrative. There will be more on that story as more information arrives at our news station. The government is trying to jab us all. They told us things would go back to normal if we just get jabbed. Well THAT WAS A DAMN LIE! DURRTTEEEDURRR!!!" He was making goofy faces at the camera.

Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing laughed. "I used to work for these assholes. I know."

King Joebear continued, "Please be aware. Do not answer your door if you do not know or expect the person to come in your home or even on your property. I know that if some motherfucker tries to jab me, they will get a knuckle sandwich WITH EXTRA BEAR!"

"The vajab has also been reported to cause blood clots, blood clumping, and fuckin' strange ass mutations on the hands and foreheads of those who were jabbed. We will report more updates on that story as they come to our news station," Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing spoke with seriousness before he smiled and continued. "But for now, we will move on to a word from our sponsors at the Real Food Network."

"I want oatmeal and honey-glazed carrots!!!!" King Joebear shouted.

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"Yes Big Bears!!! Oatmeal and honey-glazed carrots on a Friday afternoon!!!!" Persephone shouted as she was cooking oatmeal and carrots. "I'm hungry again."

"I love oatmeal, but you know what I hate?" Count Macula, Jr. asked as he helped Persephone add cinnamon to the oatmeal.

"What? N*bbrs?" Persephone asked as she stirred the oatmeal.

"Hahahahaha Yes, but you know what I hate more than N*bbrs?" Count Macula, Jr. asked with a snort laugh. "Wooooo can't say that on regular news channels Haha."

"What?" Persephone asked.

"Radiated Refried Beans!" Count Macula, Jr. yelled.

"Oh yes! Recreational Radiated Refried Beans!" Persephone shouted.

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King Joebear and Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing talked about the invalidity of recreational radiated refried beans.

"I'm speechless!" King Joebear continued. "Microwaves actually cause cancer. The cancer rates have made an astounding increase since the 1980s, when microwaves were first introduced to the general population. Fuck that. Aaaaahhhh!!!"

A graph on the screen showed the steady increase of cancer patients between 1977 and 2028. The future is ahead of us. We just aren't there yet.

Artemis and I just burst out laughing.

"We are in the Dark Ages. Communism is trying to take over America. And the world," I said as I shook my head.

"Do we have enough strength for when war hits?" Artemis asked.

"Nope," I said as I stared at King Joebear speaking.

"All we can do is pray," Artemis said.

"Yep. Psalm 23, Psalm 91, and Psalm 129," I said.

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King Joebear, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, and Count Macula, Jr. all growled loudly in excitement. The trees in the forest shook from the energy the bears were exerting with their growls. The bears were in a forest.

"You all have problems. Would you all like to make appointments?" Jared asked as she walked up to them.

"No. Therapy doesn't work on me," King Joebear answered.

"Yes. What do you have available?" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing asked.

"Sunday, August 1?" Jared asked.

"I'll take it!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang.

Jared then wrote the appointment in her calendar. "What about you, Count Macula, Jr.?" she asked as she looked up at the white cub.

"Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. Yes please. What do you have available?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

Jared then looked at her calendar before she spoke, "Sunday, August 8?"

"I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Will you serve gyros?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

"No, but will Pauno summon some?" Jared asked.

"Yes," I said. "I shall make gyros rain from the sky!" I threw lightning bolts in the air and was staring at Artemis's C-cup tits. The only thing that happened was that I made tzaziki sauce rain from the sky. "What the fuck?"

The bears sniffed the air. Their noses curled back in disgust.

"The spike proteins have soured the meat!" King Joebear said vigorously.

He, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, Count Macula, Jr., and the other bears growled angrily like cubs.

Paul the Goat made a series of bleats in disgust. Hollywood charged away with Paul the Goat on his back as they floated in the air. Both of them neighed in frustration. The swamp golem hobbled after them.

I growled angrily as well because I was looking forward to gyros. Today was definitely a gut punch.

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