#nyrants

[nyrator]

Random life updates and vents and whatnottt

So, it’s almost September, huh.

I’ve settled into my new apartment, but there’s still lots of junk to get rid of, honestly. Mostly my mother’s clothes, which at this point is just overwhelming laziness stopping me from tossing.

Still dealing with depressing people to be around and doing my best to cut them from my life for good. It’s sad seeing people go from friends to creepily obsessive and manipulative stalkers with no sense of personal boundaries or space (no one on here, of course), but it is what it is and I just have to be smart and take care of myself.

Otherwise, yeah, just been dealing with an extreme depression, honestly- My life’s been pretty empty and I’ve been sleeping 16 hours a day for the most part. Last few weeks I just slept at random times, waking up at 7pm, or 3:30am, etc. Got to the point where I couldn’t last for more than four hours being conscious- and when I go to rest my eyes, I end up napping for five+ hours, usually. Twice this week I almost passed out standing up while making dinner

Slowly trying to get it on track to being normal- waking at normal hours, though admittedly depression hit me hard today and I just slept all evening until an hour ago. I used to be a light sleeper, but now I just feel like lead in bed, falling asleep, waking up with severe depression, and being unable to move and just falling back asleep.

Got vaccinated with the J&J some time ago since it was the only one they had (what an awful experience), got some banking stuff taken care of (and some new problems arising with my online account vanishing..), and I think all my mother’s legal stuff out of the way- but otherwise, just coasting on life. A weird anniversary passed recently as well that’s been on my mind a bit, but nothing I can do about it.

Really not sure what to do with myself, honestly. I have money saved up, and rent is cheap. Unemployment runs out next week (though I stopped collecting it last month because I didn’t want to have to apply for three jobs a week), and honestly, my social anxiety is pretty awful still. I went to Walmart yesterday to buy some Soylent drink to try it, and I almost had a panic attack from all the people and how fast things moved in there. My anxiety can be really bad. I’m getting more used to driving, at least, but the idea of the highway is still terrifying to me, too- and my eyes are so bad I can’t drive without some kind of protection, sunglasses in the day, anti-glare glasses at night- though, the anti-glare don’t work that well, unfortunately, so I try avoiding night driving whenever possible.

But then, what do I do with myself.. I could always apply to BAM the bookstore, but at this point, why bother. I don’t think I have the energy to even wake up for a job and consistently go every day, my depression is bad enough where I’m likely to just not show up, which is.. not good.

Health-wise, it’s been a year since I started my weight loss- lost 27lbs in a year. I’m at a normal BMI, 153lbs at the moment. I could probably lose a bit more- 130s are my goal but I’m happy with 140s, though I don’t think I’m losing weight properly, either. My depression makes me eat less, and eating less fuels my depression- I’ve been eating 1200 calories the past few weeks, since moving, having no appetite for anything like apples and just eating the bare minimum, which I’m sure contributes to a lot of my problems.

I bought a drink called Soylent yesterday to supplement something in my diet- it’s chocolate, and it’s surprisingly tasty, but extremely filling- I had it with lunch twice, but couldn’t stomach making dinner at all because of it. Might just replace lunch entirely with it and see what happens, though at the same time, dinner (aka kraft mac and cheese) is definitely my unhealthiest meal, so it is nice to skip it... But then my calories drop by ~140 per day..

It’d be nice to survive solely off this drink, but I don’t think that’d be healthy, either. Tagline even says it can replace any meal, but not every meal. Either way, ordered a case of chocolate and a case of original to try from Amazon, if original doesn’t work then I at least know I like the chocolate.

Halloween is around the corner, but not sure if it’s worth it to even attempt. I’m thinking I could maybe redo my Mado cosplay with a better top, but don’t have the energy to put into anything at the moment.

Art is art, and suffering. Lots of anxieties when it comes to what I want to draw still, Lave is a complicated character and I’m too worried about being judged or coming off as some creep, I guess.

In better news, I played Neo TWEWY this month. I ordered it from the Square online store for the preorder bonus- what a mistake that was. Nothing was worth it (the content is all inconsequential in-game stuff that appears later on, Twister was the main reason I got it but even that was unlocked later on), and it was almost 10 days late if I remember correctly when it should’ve arrived on launch day.

After that though, I was hooked.

I’ll keep spoilers out of this post, but I do want to write some kind of in-depth review sometime. But at the same time, I can’t think of mustering the energy for it anytime soon.

100%ed it a few days ago- got a copy of every single pin and mastered it, maxed out stats, money, bought all the clothes possible including duplicates, beat Time Trial on Ultimate, defeated every enemy on Level 1 Ultimate... Well, except the last one on the list, I chickened out and put my level to max on Ultimate (did Level 1 Hard at least), but figuring out the cheese strat I could easily do it level 1 honestly.

Fantastic game, better OST than the original (and I do not say that lightly), great voice acting from the new characters, great development that wasn’t too in your face. I have qualms about the main story, but otherwise a great game. I still don’t feel like I’ve figured out the gameplay to an expert level, but I feel it’s a great successor to the DS’s gameplay. Postgame felt a lot shorter, but the main game was a lot beefier it felt like, so not sure what to think on that.

... Of course, this was essentially my entire month. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was playing this game. And nothing else. Basically a way to keep me away from my own thoughts, but now it’s done with. I have an addictive personality when it comes to games or similar things, which is why I don’t like to play games or read books or anything often- I have to keep going, and I have to distract myself from all the thoughts I’ve been avoiding, and then I go to bed and get hit with all my negative thoughts at once, and yeahhhh.

I got No More Heroes 3 on the way, but probably won’t touch it any time soon. Kinda want to replay the first game and play the second game for myself since I own them on Switch (as well as finish TSA, I seen the second game played when it came out on Youtube but never played it myself even though I got the Wii version as well sometime after that...)

I guess that’s all the rantings I have in me for today. Almost made good art progress and an art stream today, before someone nosedived my mood back into the abyss- it’s my fault for still trying to keep in contact, I suppose, but maybe another day.

I really, really don’t want to think about October, either... I have a lot of negativity built up, and I’m really scared of hitting that date.

#text stuffs #nyrants

[bdohorsecommunity-blog]

Ragrador (Nyrante)

#black desert online #bdo #black desert screenshots #mmo

[mezitli33]

HDRO TESTVERSION KOSTENLOS DOWNLOADEN

Vorstellung des Sequels auf der GDC 1. PC 20 Jahre EverQuest: Höherer Schaden ohne Support-Items offenbar kein Bug 2. Spielclient Anleitung 45 Tage kostenlos spielen 4 Spielgegenstände: Datencenter-Umzug zog sich über Tage, Entschädigungen. Schau in die aktuelle Ausgabe.

Name: hdro testversion Format: ZIP-Archiv Betriebssysteme: Windows, Mac, Android, iOS Lizenz: Nur zur personlichen verwendung Größe: 15.53 MBytes

Grombard Nazgul Dabei seit: Veuillez saisir un date de naissance valide. Spielclient Anleitung 45 Tage kostenlos spielen 4 Spielgegenstände: Feydir Saurons Stellvertreter Dabei seit: Hdrl mir nen Account erstellt und mich dort eingeloggt – nun habe ich aber nur die Möglichkeit „Ein neues Abonnement bestellen“

Download Tipps des Tages

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Aktuelles zu Der Herr der Ringe Online: Dezember Gris Testfersion Digital. Und zwar musste ich nach der Code-Eingabe noch eine Zahlungsart senden.

Inhalt und Details der Standard Händlerversion: Um einen Probeaccount anzulegen, müsst Ihr den Anweisungen auf www. Die Auflage wird auf 5.

Der Herr der Ringe Online (Free2play) Guide: Mit nur 20 Euro durchgespielt

Habe jetzt von fileplanet download gestartet und wieder ist es bei MB stehen geblieben Gültige Benutzernamen sind zwischen 6 und 25 Zeichen lang und können alphanumerische Zeichen, Punkte, Kommas, und Unterstriche enthalten. Hab nur Probleme mit den Downloads. Aktuelle Der Herr der Testversino Online: Valid Passwords are between 6 and 16 characters with at least one number and can not contain apostrophes.

Kann man sich beides auf Morthond.

PC 20 Jahre EverQuest: Stufe 1 bis 50″. Von chbdiablo Erfahrener Benutzer. PC System Shock 3: Schau in die aktuelle Ausgabe.

Neun Testverxion, jeweils versteckt in weiteren Collectors Editions. Buch 13 Inhalt der Packung: Jetzt ist Deine Meinung gefragt: OWL Woche 5 hcro zuschauen; Ligamarken sammeln 0. Dort haben wir alle Stationen bebildert und beschrieben. Letzter Beitrag Erster ungelesener Beitrag.

Feydir Saurons Stellvertreter Dabei seit: Vorstellung des Sequels auf der GDC. Sieht ja alles ganz tesvtersion aus…. Fischwaage Kankras Futter Dabei seit: Nyrante Volk der Toten Dabei seit: Inhalt und Details der Collectors Edition: A valid username should be between 6 and 25 characters, and can contain alphanumeric characters, periods, commas, and underscores.

Der Herr der Ringe Online (Free2play) Guide: Mit nur 20 Euro durchgespielt

Die Schatten von Angmar jetzt bei Amazon bestellen. Die Schatten von Angmar jetzt bei Amazon bestellen. Der Herr der Ringe Online: Höherer Schaden ohne Support-Items offenbar kein Bug.

The post HDRO TESTVERSION KOSTENLOS DOWNLOADEN appeared first on Mezitli.

source http://mezitli.info/hdro-testversion-67/

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Lana Condor's dorky tweet about working out gets A+ reply from The Rock

We're all still crushing hard on Lana Condor and Noah Centineo from To All The Boys I've Loved Before. 

And the fact Condor is dropping vintage The Office gifs and interacting with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on Twitter certainly isn't helping those feelings go away.

SEE ALSO: Why Peter Kavinsky is a new kind of rom-com dreamboat

Condor tweeted out that she needed workout motivation to get on the same fitness level as The Rock. She wrote that her current fitness level is that of Michael Scott doing parkour on The Office. 

Fitness goals = @TheRock current state = pic.twitter.com/MNO0nqe0jt

— Lana Condor (@lanacondor) August 27, 2018

The Rock soon responded with a motivational message for the TATBILB star.

😂😂 you got this LC!! 💪🏾❤️

— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) August 27, 2018

Condor then described the premise of a workout video that we'd actually want to watch.

I just had a vision of you singing me Moana as I bench press and me crying tears of absolute bliss #TheRockforpresident

— Lana Condor (@lanacondor) August 27, 2018

The exchange of tweets between the two stars immediately had fans imagining The Rock starring in the sequel to TATBILB. Obviously. 

imagine: the rock makes a cameo in to all the boys I’ve loved before sequel...don’t know where why or how he’d fit but make it happen

— ala (@covinskyy) August 27, 2018

He can play Peter's dad.

— stefanie (@withstefanie) August 27, 2018

Who is also the sensitive drama club teacher

— Form of Therapy (@formoftherapy) August 28, 2018

And overly militant gym teacher at the school

— Full Name (@NYRanting) August 28, 2018

The Rock as Peter Kavinsky's absent father returning to make amends is not a half bad idea, tbh. 

WATCH: Here are 5 unrealistic things that happen in every romantic comedy

#_uuid:8d9cf5f4-da25-3b21-854d-2e752ac0c790 #_author:Laura Byager #_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

[hobobuzz]

New #hoboken tweet. @bikejc @Ollie_Cycles @NYRanting @PANYNJ @JCParking @StevenFulop @BrianDavidPlatt @JC_Gov @NJBikeWalk @CitiBikeJC… https://t.co/i8VCatG3HA

#Hoboken #Twitter

[nyrator]

Random updatess

Been in a weird spot mentally, lately...

I think it’s safe to say I’ve been single again for a long while, but lots of concerning stuff related to that has been going on which has me concerned- not much I should probably say publicly, but nothing I can really do about it except suppress my anxiety over it and hope for the best. People are complicated and impossible to understand.

Or maybe I should speak up about it a bit, since he’s gone and nothing really holding me back, but it’s a weird and long-going situation. In short, I’m not comfortable around people and am an extreme introvert, but he was someone who really latched onto me.. but he couldn’t stop needing me even after we stopped being together, a dependency in my eyes but maybe I was just assuming, and I had to force space between us in hopes he’d stop focusing on me so much. Too kind, too overbearing. Seems it worked, and now he’s almost completely vanished from everything before I could start up communication again. Maybe he just removed himself from anything that reminds him of me, or maybe it’s a sign of something worse. He has a lot of things he’s dealing with I can’t help with, and all I can do is just hope for the best I guess. But ultimately, I don’t think we were healthy for each other. I still consider him a great person, at least, and it’d be nice if we could have a semi-normal connection sometime in the future still.

I did get the RN site off of him before he vanished a few days ago, which was kind of him (he made it and paid for it, but I’m paying for it now), neither me nor any of our other friends have heard from him since. We’re apart, and he doesn’t owe me anything, but it would be nice if he communicated what he was doing and why with people more. Guess all we can do is see.

Anyway, I guess that’s enough about that. I know too many people with tough lives that weigh my own heart down too much.

In other news, I’ve been dealing with my “complex” again too much. Complex, personal issue, childhood trauma, whatever it is. It’s bothering me a strong amount, but I know most of it is in my head- I just can’t escape reminders of it. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it in detail in public, either. I’m starting to express it in RN, but I have fears that I’ll end up repulsing and alienating people around me because of it- like it’s sullying anything I involve it in.

It’s linked very much to self-hatred, my depression, and a lot of things in my life in general- and I’m given constant reminders of it from the moment I wake up, it’s controlling me, it feels like, and I don’t know how to cope with it properly. I have a private vent Twitter dedicated to venting about it at this point, but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping at all.

Otherwise- Life is dreadfully uneventful. I started playing No More Heroes to kill time- beat the first game again 100% on Bitter, and beat the second game on Bitter as well (didn’t do that boss rush mode or unlock Special in BJ5 game, though). First game is much better than the second game, by far. I’ll have to get back into TSA and then 3 someday, took a break to draw some Lave in pajamas.

I really like sleep aesthetics, but my complex is so interwoven with that too that I feel like it’s corrupting it. But Lave’s an autobiographical-ish character, after all, so I guess it’s okay to have it woven into them as well- I still feel like it’s going to drive people away from liking them, though, and probably fairly so.

Still haven’t even tried looking for a job, and I haven’t been moving much at all lately- treadmill’s just collecting dust. Only today did I finally get rid of about half of my mother’s things, and only because there’s an inspection on Friday and I’m embarrassed by how packed all this junk still is. It wasn’t a far or even stressful of a drive to the donation bin (it’s right by my grocery store), but my nerves still almost made me wet myself again. I can’t stand it. Part of me wants to drive my friends to an arcade for my birthday and see if I can better adjust, but that’s almost three hours away, there’s no way I can see myself making it reasonably.

It’s really hard, living without drive or purpose. I still have no urge to work on any of my projects at all, it’s like I’ve completely given up on myself to do anything.

It’s really nice hearing from friends on here from time to time, even if I do nothing to show my appreciation or make an effort to return the feeling. Tumblr’s been pretty inactive for me, but there’s still some familiar faces I always like seeing.

I really don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have no energy to do anything nor any real reason to feel a need to. I can’t even keep the apartment clean from my cats, or stay on top of garbage or laundry.

The one thing I want to do is practice talking more and maybe stream, but it feels like a dead end, honestly. I want to train my voice to be more professional and to a certain standard I have for it that I’m not even sure I can reach, but I have no real way of practicing. Maybe get some nicer clothes as well, but I don’t even go anywhere. I just feel weird with how I dress and worry about embarrassing my friends by being seen with me or something, as silly as it is.

I apologize for the depressing Ny-rant-y stuffs, just one of those kinds of times lately. I haven’t had anywhere to vent lately, and I don’t want to keep bottling it all up, either.

#text stuffs #nyrants #a bit of a negative feel-y mood one again I apologize

[nyrator]

lots of thoughts again lately, might as well do a status update thingy

also might stream tomorrow (technically later today), we'll see

anxiety is hard to escape still

still really appreciative of a bug-ish community I've found, though, they've been really kind to me

may end up meeting one or two in person which is both nice and also scary to think about, it's got me thinking of buying clothes again at least, though realizing now I forgot to mention that fact to someone else, hmm

my head's still very space-y lately, I forget the simplest things, or doing really dumb things (last week or so I ended up pouring a bottle of water on my computer tower trying to look at the bottom of the bottle... it all got caught on an inner lip of the casing thankfully but still scary), and still not a lot of motivation to get around and do things

also have lots of things to do... got apartment re-certified, ish, but still need to clean it for the inspection. Also apparently I could've gotten by my apartment building vaccinated last week but they had my mother's number instead of mine and so couldn't reach me, I just assumed it was because I was too young still. Ah well, there'll be other chances. Also trying to get lawyer things done for my mother's case, and want to draw something that I only have a week left to draw...

also need to worry about the upcoming jam... not sure if I'll make anything for it, but may have to contribute to it in other ways I didn't expect, aha...

feels both weird and not that I posted something very uncomfortable on the internet recently, trying not to think about it too much

I keep waking up soaked in sweat, anxiety, with bad stomach cramps, etc the past several days, and not sure why- some friends think it might be some kind of vitamin deficiency, but hm

also still think about the world too much, and still worry about all the hatred I keep seeing around me. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I see a lot of ignorance and a lot of hatred lately, and it's been getting to me again. I spend too much time following things that don't really affect me, and ultimately I'm just a giant fence-sitter in the end, wishing people would stop arguing and being petty and spiteful and looking for reasons to hate each other.

in brighter news, video game related things

been playing the Silver Case finally, feels like I'm close to finishing it (I'm in the middle of the fifth case), lots of crazy things happening.

TWEWY news as well, though my usual skepticism is still in full force- Neo seems neat though I still have my concerns, but the music still bops and honestly that's all I need. Curious about Joshua's potential appearance in it as welll...

the anime is... a thing, first episode was very fast and cut out Neku's inner monologues and edginess and replaced it with amnesia and noise causing him to be a jerk, which... is kind of important to the plot, but oh well. Kind of saddens me that we'll already stop seeing a character next episode, and I'll be amazed of week 1 lasts more than three episodes total. Barely any room to breathe it feels. On the bright side, animated Joshua coming up soon. Also not sure how to feel about the OP drama but alas, such is life. But yeah, would've definitely paced it different myself, episode 1 should've ended with day 2 and episode 2 on day 4, I feel. 5-6-7 couuuld possibly be squeezed into a single episode if they still needed it to be 3 episodes, but at the pace they're going they've done a poor job introducing the characters to us I feel.

Butttt, we shall see how it goess.

Otherwise, I guess that's all for now- should get some sleep

#text stuffs #nyrants

[nyrator]

Just some idle mindless early-morning ramblings

Sleep has been a strange thing. Before I was in bed 16-20 hours a day, then last week after staying up all night one day, I lost the ability to sleep for longer than two hours a day for a week. Past few days it’s sort of getting back on track, but mostly just from depression sending me straight to bed/naps.

I don’t think I’ve actually slept the past two-three days beyond naps, though. There’s just been a lot of depression-induced naps throughout the days. Just feels like one never ending day, haven’t even brushed my teeth or turned off my computer during that time.

The 2-hour-a-night week was actually one of my better weeks for anxiety- I felt like my body was shutting down half the time and my consciousness barely existent, but that meant I couldn’t think of anxiety either. Ended up being more productive than usual, at least before the crashes my lack of sleep gave me. The moment I started sleeping again, it all came back.

Slowly getting apples into diet, though apparently I barely eat any protein, not sure what to do about that.

Lots of overwhelming kinds of feelings, lots of regrets and failures and whatnot again.

I have only a few days to contact the hospital/coroner for my mother’s information for the lawyers, it’s been a week and a half and still no progress on my part, and I was given two weeks.

Creatively running out of steam again as well as I keep hitting mental roadblocks. Did get a few commissions though, which I’m really grateful for.

Thinking about 3D again, slowly trying to make a model. Keep thinking of having it as a virtual avatar for streams. Hate my voice though and I have nothing to talk about, and no real way to practice speaking with other people comfortably.

Just been wanting to vent again, but hard to vent anywhere without feeling sick. To friends, to strangers, to social media, or to private journals, nothing helps. Tried venting some opinions to friends and now just feel disgusting again. The fact that I’m terrible at articulating my thoughts also doesn’t help at all, just makes me feel like an idiot. Feels like I can never express the nuances of what or how I think, or that people focus too much on insignificant details and veer me off track into digging myself deeper and deeper with them instead of my main point. I feel trapped in my own head.

Terrified of being on social media anymore, especially this upcoming month. I feel it’s going to take its toll on my health again, but there’s nowhere else to go. Been trying to be active in a few more discords, at least, we’ll see how long I can last. But there’s still nowhere I want to go and nothing I want to do- nothing to watch, nothing to play, there’s just endless nothing.

Think I’ve finally given up on miserable person, my health just can’t take it anymore. We’ll see how weak my resolve is, though. But I can’t just keep giving misery my company, though, it’s too taxing on me. I’m incapable of being a long-term support for other people, especially those that won’t help themselves. Maybe I’m just incapable of caring about other people at all.

People in general are too exhausting and too stressful for me.

#text stuffs #nyrants

[nyrator]

a bit of a lighter vent but still a vent, but a post-Lily-Chou-Chou-watching ventt

was originally going to try talking about the movie but ended up just examining my own anxiety again instead

movies are neat

but very hard for me to watch anymore

An artist-turned-vtuber I follow hosted a movie night tonight that I decided to tune into, good ol’ “All About Lily Chou-Chou”. Listened to Arabesque a few times in the past, and a band on bandcamp called Chouchou of which I think there’s no relation? But yeah, basically a movie about a group of kids who are affected by this Lily’s music as they live their gangster-y lives

I think I’m having a severe anxiety/panic attack at the moment, I’m really struggling to type, focus, or breathe. It’s really strong tonight, which is why I felt the need to vent. It’s taking me over fifteen minutes just to type this far.

It’s weird, movies especially trigger my anxiety anymore. There were probably a few cases before it, but definitely when I watched Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance with Kresna, it destroyed my anxiety.

But the thing is- these are the kind of movies I enjoy, things that make me feel like this. But now the feeling is too powerful.

The movie ended at around 2:40am, it’s been an hour, and my heart is still racing and hard to breathe. Been trying to do breathing exercises.

Okay. Starting to get things under control, I hope.

Anxiety is a strange thing. It’s like my body’s addicted to it, somehow. Just typing about it, it’s trying to relive it and fall back into it. I still wonder if creating Rotten Nyan was unlocking some door in my head that released my middle school anxiety back into my psyche.

But anyway, to stay focused. I watched the movie, enjoyed it, but a lot of messed up scenes in that movie, all with kids. It wasn’t that bad to me rationally-thinking, but my body still reacts with extreme anxiety. And it wasn’t always like this, you know? I used to watch all kinds of stuff, read all kinds of stuff, the things that made me “feel” something, usually uncomfortable, they were the best, and I loved it.

But now, I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve become extremely sensitive, somehow. I cry when watching kids movies, and have panic attacks from watching depressing movies. And it’s not normal, not to me- I don’t know if it’s growing a conscious, or just becoming weaker, or what, but I prided myself in a twisted way of always being emotionless towards things and people, and now I’m sensitive to the simplest of things. Maybe love also helped, opening me up to feelings and such, as corny as that sounds, but yeah. Either way, I’m a lot more vulnerable, I feel.

I know I’ve talked about it before, and I worry about talking in circles, but good to speak my mind, I suppose

I don’t know what to do when watching a movie I enjoy puts me into a heart-racing breathless anxiety attack for an hour after watching it. I don’t like how I can’t re-read Nagata Kabi works without chest pains. I’m scared I won’t be able to read her latest work when it comes out, because of how hard it is for me to stomach anything.

My whole body gets very tense, and filled with what feels like electricity, or twitches, or something. I get very restless and hard to relax. I tried laying down, but that only makes things worse, I ruminate when I lay down, and the anxiety increases. So I just opened the window, admired the fact that it snowed (I keep my windowed blinded and don’t normally see the outside world unless I go grocery shopping), and am now just sitting here, trying to let the cold 4AM air cool me off. Can’t even listen to relaxing music in this state, my head loops it in endless circles, I just need to sit here silently and cool off.

Today wasn’t a good day for me- been depressed the past few days, though Kresna’s been trying his best to cheer me up. Today I mostly slept again- until 3 or 4PM, then ate breakfast, then immediately back to bed, when Kresna texting me at 7PM woke me back up. Just spent the day in bed feeling extremely depressed for no real reason. Took a shower, spent some time with Kresna, then just collapsed in bed with my social anxiety consuming me. Maybe that contributed to the movie anxiety, I dunno. Forced myself to get up and made a fast dinner right before the movie started at midnight, then spent the night watching it and here we are.

I’m breathing better and my heart’s settled down, but my body is still very rigid, it’s hard to turn my head or adjust myself.

I need to see a therapist to fix this, I think. There are other drugs, weeds and mushrooms and stuff, but until they’re legal enough to attempt around here, I’ll probably pass on them. Still scared about mind-altering medications and anything I could become dependent on. Still wondering when I’m going to work up the nerve to see a therapist and set money aside for it- in Covid times, not likely (there’s online of course, but I wonder how effective it’d be).

I’d like to be able to just relax and be comfortable

But yeah, no, movie was good, confusing and a bit hard to follow (I’m bad with names/faces), but good. Hoshino in general was hard for me to understand properly, as well as the relationships with the two main girls, but yeah. Felt a lot left open in what’s to happen in the ending as well, but guess it makes sense. Found out there was a blu ray release here somewhat recently, I think I’ll order it

#text stuffs #nyrants

[nyrator]

wondering what to make next still

5AM and just felt the need to vent again I guess

Just a very depressed day for no real reason, still brought down by how stagnant things are I suppose- My creativity, my situation, lots of things

Drew Lain fanart, got a nice group of people following me on twitter thanks to it. It’s silly to worry about things like follower count, but it’s sort of addictive at the same time- I feel like I know the ways to do it, if I wanted, but I guess I just don’t really want to just chase followers with fanart- Feels like Tsukumizu fanart’s the way to go after Lain if I did more fanart, but mann, even if I did, still wouldn’t know what to draw.

I admire artists, like that one Diva artist that draws nun arts, or that one Avogado artist, people who draw constantly, consistent themes, but also a form of ongoing narrative, or something. Not only drawing so often, but each piece being its own. Diva especially, the way there’s so much packed in every scene, with an ongoing narrative in each piece, it’s admirable.

I really want to draw- but I lack that story element. That writing ability. I used to have it, where I could brainstorm and write pages and pages of notes. But I’ve lost it, somehow, for years. Last time I remember doing it was when brainstorming the prewrite for Rotten Nyan and coming up with like seven or so chapters (and still haven’t finished one). I don’t know if I just gave up on my writing, or if I just don’t care, or what. Maybe it’s simply depression/anxiety issues that medication could fix.

I think I’m just going stir crazy- friends occasionally get me out of the house, at least, which is nice of them. But haven’t cleaned in forever, and the apartment’s becoming more and more of a mess I can’t find the energy to do anything about. Every day feels wasted and underutilized, and I still worry about things like blood clots or other health issues or something from how inactive I am. Feel bad for neglecting cats still, though finally got them new food to try to try to help them be healthier. Wish I wasn’t so allergic that I could let them into my room easier.

It’s really hard just sitting here, day after day, doing nothing and having no energy to do anything, and wondering how much of my life I’m going to waste doing this.

Still need to work on my social anxiety, too- lots of that from talking to people again. And I’m still worn out by the internet in general, spending too much time on it probably. Mainly twitter, I suppose, which is my own fault, but I’m too addicted to absorbing information. Sort of inspired me to write something new, but like I said earlier- I can’t write at all. Made two character designs and the broad strokes, but can’t lay out anything at all. Not even a single scene to draw. It’s a weird, self-serving story, that I’d probably make anonymously just to avoid feeling guilty about it. Basic premise is a depressed girl caught up in her simple problem(s?) while observing other characters and their more complex, hard to understand problems. The other main character is a boy with a strong sense of certain social issues to the point of fault, and the girl trying to make heads or tails of what’s right and what’s wrong. Maybe I should just make them two separate stories, though, since they don’t really mix well together, I think. If I even manage to make it at all.

Been trying to play Picross or read manga to escape, but as soon as its over, it hits hard. Today I decided to read that Fire Punch manga I hear a lot about, since a friend introduced me to that Chainsaw Man when I did that one group of six requests a while back, now that CSM is ending next week. Pretty good, bit all over the place, can appreciate how silly ridiculous it could be, though admittedly also felt lackluster to me in places like the ending, though I wouldn’t say the ending saga was bad either. Definitely an interesting manga, to say the least. Disliked the movie girl at first but she became pretty entertaining for the most part, then lost interest in them towards the end of their arc. I think I just wanted to see more of some of the characters they introduced in that part and felt a bit let down because tree things.

I think reading manga’s really the only hobby I consistently enjoy, it just requires finding a good one. Decided that I was going to buy myself a physical version of all the manga I’ve read that I enjoyed/don’t own, but then realized almost none of them have been localized, and the ones that have are the lower priority ones.

Also started playing FF9 again finally, just got to the Black Mage village. I’m also definitely not very good at video games. I’d like to want to play one again, but they’re very hard to get into, especially on my own- I usually just go with whatever other people want to play.

In a few days, it’ll be you&me’s 10 year conceptualization anniversary. Still no progress, and still can’t even feel the desire to draw or sprite something for it. A friend ignited a spark in me to work on it again, but it immediately blew out the next day. I think it’s an impossible dream- I’ve learned RPG Maker 2003 inside and out, and if I could make maps, I’d probably be set. But the fandom’s grown away from me, and it feels almost pointless to make at this point. Been way too worn out from hanging around people who criticize those kinds of games, I guess, myself included.

On a random note, laying down is weird for me, I’ve probably mentioned it before. I feel like I’ve been hallucinating a lot- like half dream, half thinking it’s real and blending with reality. Keep thinking my mother’s still alive, that the death thing was a misunderstanding. Or that my uncle wants me to live with him. I can’t even remember if that really happened or not. The house I dreamt wasn’t his, though. And yet, I’m not asleep when these things happen, I’m lying in bed thinking and aware of my surroundings, and of the fantasy at the same time, thinking of them like memories, or concurrently. My brain is weird. Not only that, but how easily I forget to do things- I’ve set up a reminder on my phone just to remind me to message someone every day, because I just can’t remember to after waking up.

I guess I just don’t want to sleep and be trapped in my thoughts again. But it’s 5:30 now, and I should sleep. I’m scared by how trapped I feel. Still need to find a way to see a therapist about it, but I’m not very proactive about that either.

Got my mother’s death certificates finally after three months. Now I need to contact the bank and stuff somehow. It’s intimidating. Apparently her cause of death was “aspiration pneumonitis possibly due to cerebellar atrophy”, believed to be over the course of months. I wonder what that entails, exactly, and if it could have been avoided in the nursing home she was put in. No sense thinking about that, I suppose, I just know my aunt’s interested in a lawsuit if we’re able, so we’ll see how things go.

People are kind, I get kind messages from people who read these. Even those that don’t message are still kind. Hopefully no one feels obligated to read these, but it is appreciated to be cared about. Thanks, everyone.

#text stuffs #nyrants

[nyrator]

another long vent post about depression/anxiety

extremely depressed tonight

first made the mistake of driving myself to the grocery store at 6pm, first I had to try scraping the ice off the windshield with nothing but a broom and bare hands, then driving itself was nightmareish, the car feels like a death trap to me, very loose and sloppy compared to my last car, so loud and uncomfortable with no audible music to calm my nerves. My eyes have worsened to the point where I can’t see anything at night- glare takes up my whole vision, even with anti-glare shades. I was driving well below the speed limit the entire time and still almost hit three pedestrians who were all recklessly out on the roads in all black for whatever reason. My nerves are completely shot from it, my chest feels like I’m in a vice and can’t breathe, my eyes are wide open and hunched over the steering wheel, and my body feels both like I’m about to wet myself at any moment and that I’m too stiff/tense/frozen to function as a human at all, it’s that fight-or-flight response at its extreme. Meanwhile, my skin must be weak- my knuckles bleed when driving, and my wrists bled just from carrying in bags of groceries.

then getting home and just dealing with personal drama of someone I know who is so depressed and self destructive and too smart to reason with, who refuses/is unable to seek professional help, who just doesn’t understand or just can’t help venting to me nonstop, no matter how much I beg them not to over and over- their life is so terrible that suicide seems like the only option to them, and I don’t want them to do so, but I can’t keep suffering like this either and I feel like the only thing preventing them from doing so, as poor a job as I do as a human being anyway. But I can’t help them if they can’t help themselves, even if they were just ate a bit better, or just had a journal or someone anonymous they could talk to, but it seems inescapable and impossible to change anything and all we do is argue over it until I snap at them to leave me alone. That person is probably reading this right now and probably hating it, but I doubt anyone on this site even knows who they are.

Tuesday morning, I couldn’t sleep at all from anxiety- it was so severe and inescapable, I laid in bed for four hours feeling like I was dying until I was finally able to sleep for two hours. I can’t seem to stay asleep longer than two hours anymore. Was supposed to hang out with friends that day, but between lack of sleep, depression, and my absolute terror at driving in a snowstorm, I ended up just staying home.

Anxiety has gotten so bad again. I know a lot of how the mechanics work behind it, I know a lot of pains are from tension and lack of breathing. But my old coping mechanisms don’t work anymore. I can focus on breathing for several minutes straight and then fall right back into suffocating. Music, counting things, meditating, none of it helps anymore.

One way to describe the feeling of anxiety- it’s kind of like when you fall asleep on your arm, and you feel all the blood rushing back into it and that tingling sensation. Imagine that, maybe a bit less, but throughout your entire body (especially chest), your body is stiff and not numb, and your entire body is vibrating or shivering/shaking or something.

I still spend 16+ hours laying in bed every single day. When I got home from shopping, the walking around (and the stress of driving) was enough to send me straight to bed, I was so tired and weak. It’s probably why I don’t sleep properly, I’m half awake in bed all the time, what need is there for sleep

I have mail I haven’t opened, taxes I still have to do, messes to clean, and don’t care for any of it. Can’t even talk about some things I’ve been doing to myself out of spite or general depression, the way I’ve been abusing. I promise to try not to do anything too crazy or directly harmful, but even then I worry about slipping up- I tried one thing I shouldn’t talk about, which wasn’t too serious, but still seriously concerning how easy it was to try doing

still haven’t contacted a therapist, my fear of calling someone is so strong I can’t overcome it, especially not after just waking up. Talked to some friends, some agree that I should, at least one thinks it’s a waste of time and money- up to $125 per session to just get a glorified phone call thanks to covid restrictions. I just don’t see the point if I’m still stuck in my apartment at my computer, especially if I have an internet addiction already.

The lack of doing anything is driving me insane, I think. I’ve played four single player games in 2020- ACNH, KH MoM, Panel de Pon, and Picross. In terms of things watched on my own, probably just Japan Sinks and whatever else was on Netflix the few months I had it. Don’t feel motivated to play or watch anything anymore, nothing seems interesting, and mostly just do things with friends if at all

Even ACNH, the game I play the most, I barely do anything in it- mostly just get new items from stores, that’s it. My island decorating has come to a hard halt, mostly because I barely have any furniture I’d like to embellish it with, and mainly because I have no ideas to layout most of it

I want to create, but don’t have the energy to make anything at all. Rotten Nyan is still my current goal, but anxiety has made it next to impossible to work on. I’ve tried several times the past few weeks, all met with failure- the anxiety’s too much, half the time I don’t even know what’s causing it, but my body just gets too tense and cramped without even doing anything, and I just can’t breathe at all while working on it.

Thought about making an omake comic for it, then realized what a terrible idea it was, and how hard it is to draw comics in general. Or anything in general. Wrote down the entire comic while laying in bed one day, went to draw it, was unable to, tried making it a yonkoma, gave up, and felt sick thinking of all the gross things in it that I just made a vent description of Middle Lave and just posted that to the RN tumblr instead.

I can’t think of any ideas, I feel like my art has regressed- I’ve taken more shortcuts for the sake of my hands tensing so fast from anxiety, and I’ve gotten decent at drawing middle Lave I feel, but anything besides a character standing is impossible for me- any environments or character interactions that I’d love to do just feel impossible, let alone my inability to write good ones. Anything I try to think of writing-wise always ends up the same gross content that burned into my memories that I just can’t feel comfortable talking about much at all, nor do I think it’s content people want to see at all.

There’s a lot of detailed kind of art I’d like to do. I kind of want to loosen my restrictions on myself and just draw whatever suffering I feel like, maybe once I use the RN twitter more I might get a little more courage to do so. I see many artists draw detailed scenes in single images, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t capture that feeling.

Part of me feels torn about it being an autobiography for people to relate to, and being a suffering experience for people to find some weird enjoyment out of. I feel like I’ve lost sight of what it was originally meant to be and now just enjoy “bullying” Middle Lave half the time I guess, but unfortunately for me, bullying makes me feel like vomiting and is hard to draw consistently- maybe I’m too nice. I don’t know, I’m just rambling at this point. The comic is still laid out and just meant to explore the life of Lave, but it’s just so hard to work on.

In terms of other things, I have no idea what to do

Vtuber/streaming? Hate my voice, can’t focus on learning what I need for it in terms of rigging and texturing models. I only know the basics of making 3D things and nothing else.

Console art? I already designed all the ones I’m mainly interested in, but like I mentioned before, can’t think of any character interactions at all that I feel like drawing.

Making a game? I know 2k3 well enough to make anything in it event-wise, though never got over my map failings, and I can’t commit to anything long-term. Godot or another program, or programming in general? Good luck.

I just want to make something, work on a project without losing steam or letting anxiety prevent me from learning. Can’t focus on anything long enough to learn it- Japanese, making a game, programming, a new hobby, anything. I just don’t have the drive to do anything and will give up anything I even try to start, so what’s the point in even trying anything. I have books I haven’t read that I’ve been meaning to read for years, and still don’t have an ounce of energy to want to even organize them on their shelf, let alone open it

At the very least, I got my first big commission (second one ever), designing an OC for someone, and it’s going well, though tonight I’ve lost steam to finish it, and I hope I can get it back tomorrow to try to finalize it.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I really wish I just had someone guide me with art- I miss doing those 30 day challenge kind of things, or “send a number/emoji” kind of asks for OCs, but tumblr’s so inactive that I don’t see them on my dash anymore, and don’t know how to even look for them, especially not on sites like twitter these days. Though, the problem is, no one knows exactly what I like, and I feel awful letting people down if they ask for something I don’t want to draw

I can’t focus on exercise long term, and I’m so out of practice that exhaustion is too strong to beat. I’ve been trying to walk up and down on a step stool for exercise to get me back into basic movement, but even that’s too tiring. Want to do it while watching something, then I realize, I don’t watch anything at all, not even youtube, just an occasional artist stream that I mainly chat with rather than watch

I feel like I’m going to collapse if I turn or move too suddenly, and my eyes are absolutely terrible- glasses are okay, but without them I’m completely blind now- not just blind, but it’s like my eyes see at two different angles sometimes, like one is slanted or something, very disorientating.

It’s 7:30AM, and no desire to sleep at all. Terrified of laying in bed and letting anxiety take over me again. Part of me wants to become completely nocturnal and just avoid everyone during the day and just respond to messages in the AM hours, just wake up at midnight each day and avoid dealing with people. Go to sleep when everyone starts to get active and just isolate myself entirely from society.

I feel like I exist with no purpose whatsoever, and it’s driving me insane- not that life is meant to have a purpose, but I could at least be doing something more than laying in bed all day every day for a year

#text stuffs #nyrants

[nyrator]

my vents get bleaker as time goes on, I need to find a way to force myself into therapy

not even sure if I feel like venting, but maybe I’m addicted to it

yesterday was okay-ish, but tonight was extremely bad. I won’t go into details, but anxiety has gotten to the point where I can hardly breathe at all, it was terrifying choking on my own anxiety. I need to escape this, it’s unhealthy.

appetite’s gone (didn’t eat lunch today and almost skipped dinner too), letting depression take control of me more and more in ways I can’t talk about

part of me wonders what would happen if I just made a completely anonymous twitter and started venting on it unfiltered would be like...

#text stuffs #nyrants

[nyrator]

maybe I’ll still vent since I really don’t feel like sleeping

tend to think of the radiohead lyric “I’m not living, I’m just killing time” often. Always feels very apt.

Been listening to a lot of “Bulimic” and “Light With A Sharpened Edge” by The Used again recently. They’ve been hitting strangely lately in ways I can’t talk about.

said I wouldn’t vent, but I also give up on a lot of things, so this is what it is, I guess. I feel that I still can’t vent properly, though- lately, my thoughts have gotten a lot darker and a lot bleaker, and I don’t think I should scare people with them

been sleeping a lot again lately, and just not wanting to deal with anything anymore. I keep seeing and hearing a word lately that I feel describes me well- anhedonic.

I can’t feel invested in anything anymore. Not projects, not learning, not other people, anything. Been just wanting to avoid everyone. And been dealing with a personal thing that I can’t tell people about, which probably requires a professional ear. I feel stuck in a very precarious position with no way out. There are logical ways to handle it, but it feels like a very illogical situation, and that logic is too cold, or something.

got my christmas gift from Kresna, some nice socks, a nice blanket, and a candle- I’ve never really used candles before, and I don’t have anything to light it with, but it has an interesting if a bit overpowering scent when open. Not sure how it’ll be when lit. Probably an old lighter or matches around if I dig around for them, given I still haven’t thrown out my mother’s/sister’s things

ended up buying a few sanrio things again since it’s my melody’s birthday sale, just some trinkets that might be neat to have

been almost a year since I updated rotten nyan, and still not an ounce of motivation to work on it, not sure what to do. Debating writing an apology post to explain what’s going on with it, but I don’t know.

trying to think up random ideas to draw- wiping out on a skateboard or scooter’s one I like, but just don’t feel like drawing those either. It’s so hard to make anything. I try to learn more about Blender, or Godot or something, or maybe just experiment with a different style, but I just open, stare, and give up before even trying. I either know I’m out of my league or know I have no idea what I’m doing or how to get there with no desire to practice or spend the time learning how, even though I have nothing but time

I need something in my life to change. Therapy’s probably the answer, yet I just can’t commit to seeking it and am too afraid to pay for it. Maybe because I’ve convinced myself, “if I were a therapist, I’d give people just enough help to still make sure they keep coming back, since that way the money will keep rolling in”, even if that isn’t the case. And I still don’t know what’s better- a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Still scared to take drugs, but I feel I’m well beyond the point of requiring them

And something about doing it online during covid just doesn’t feel right to me. I’d rather see someone in person, I think. Escape the internet. I don’t know what to do, nor do I think I can muster energy to do it. I keep talking about it, but not doing it. And I don’t think my problems will go away, even with it.

I don’t want to find a job again, I don’t feel like working. Having covid around and no family to guilt me is somewhat soothing, at least.

I’ve been told to buy a certain book to help with anxiety, but there’s no way I’d be able to commit to it or even open it, and spending money for resources I could probably find online feels weird to me. Maybe I’ll buy it next time my mood lifts, but I’m not holding my breath.

I really don’t want to sleep anymore, because I don’t want tomorrow to come. The amount of guilt I feel just posting these publicly hurts, but at the same time, writing in private feels like a waste of time, and I always feel weird just drafting these half the time

#text stuffs #nyrants #sorry for more venting it's just the usual things

[nyrator]

cosplay progress and more random vents

the pieces so far- Missing currently is gray paint for the headphones, and something to do a teal “Bi” cheek tattoo with. Also ordered the EVA foam to cover the skates with a while ago but still hasn’t arrived, hope it isn’t lost

And so I decided to dye the wig today

It was a process. Basically realized I might need a whole other bottle of blue dye to make it work, so decided to do maths and figure out what I’d need for the recipe- Basically, regular recipe calls for:

2 cups blue

1/4 cup green

3 tablespoons gray

3 gallons water

instead I used these amounts:

1 bottle blue (.875 cups roughly)

5.25 teaspoons green

4 teaspoons gray

21 cups water

the result was... just blue. Cut off a piece of the wig to use as a swatch, and just kept getting blue. Added a few teaspoons more of green, still blue. Eventually, started pouring the bottle in, at least 3/4s of the bottle. Finally, I got an okay color, but rushed it a bit- Was about to get in a call with friends, so I figured, stir it for five minutes and that should be enough

Well, it looked okay, but part of it felt darker in places, though I couldn’t tell if it was the lighting or not. So later on, I re-boiled the dye, added even more green, and dumped that baby in there (the last white swatch I had came out to a nice green color), so did that, did it for 15-20 minutes this time, and now it’s out to dry. It’s a tad greener... ish...? But I’ll accept it for what it is- Should’ve probably given it a bit more water to swim around in since by the second time, a lot of water had dissipated.

for reference, the color I was after:

now, there’s one problem...

I realize I don’t own a flat iron, I swore I did, but alas. Ordered one on Amazon and should be here Friday, anyway. Hope I can restore it to its original shape

Honestly, feeling a lot of anxiety over this costume- Was originally meant to be some silly non-serious outfit, that just had a bunch of hurdles I felt like tackling head on, and now they feel too overwhelming, I guess. It’s like, I work on the costume, and all I do is feel sick while working on it, but it’s a goal, and so I have to do it, I guess- the money’s spent, no going back, but man, not looking forward to the end result, I guess.

Next time I’ll probably just buy a wig closest in color and just style it properly (though cutting/styling hair is also something I’m terrible at...), the thought of painting the fabric is already giving me anxiety

Also need to do laundry, wash those clothes before I paint them and wash my casual clothes in general- Haven’t done laundry in a month, I think (beyond my dress-ier clothes), just never feel like getting around to it and scraping by with what I can wear

But yeah, anxiety, it’s weird. Tonight’s mostly been a sort of existential type- at least, creatively. Realizing I have no projects I feel like working on and nothing I feel like doing, and the dread of sitting here doing absolutely nothing’s been taking over me- I want to work on RN again, but have no ideas of what to draw or how to get myself to work on the comic again. I think of Skatered things, but zero idea of where to start with anything- Should I learn programming? Make more 3D models? Learn weight painting, finally? Mod JSRF or THUGPro? Hard to say.

Just a weird “wasted time” sense of anxiety, I suppose. But I’ve sort of conditioned myself to “not” think creatively, I think? It’s like, if I start thinking of what I can make, I also start thinking of my past failures and how they’ll most likely just happen again, and how impossible it feels to escape my current creative position

I think I can sum up my desires pretty easily- I really want to create things, and I want Kresna to be happy.

Also, random topic, been seeing random drama over some people I used to watch, it’s kind of weird, since they were my favorites of their groups, but I’m kind of impressed at how little I seem to care about it- Stopped watching them for a while and only just started killing time with stuff recently, now no real reason to keep watching again, just a weird apathetic feeling I guess.

But yeah, otherwise, I just sort of feel like I’m starting to let everything slip away again, and it’s a bleh feeling. Just a bunch of small things eating away at me

I’ll be going to work soon, need to fix my bike tire or something, not looking forward to how to get there

Heat’s on and I want to open windows, but traffic is too loud with windows open and I’m uncomfortable if bugs get inside

Chair and headphones are flaking apart and getting all over me, should replace them/parts of them or something

Want a certain type of desk, but can’t find one like it anywhere (other than places like Pinterest of course so I know it exists), just want a decent shelf-lined hutch mixed with a keyboard tray...

Anxious about displaying things like my Kuja figure in general, about trivial things like dust, sunlight, etc destroying everything I own

laundry, groceries, my mother’s estate things, lots of things slipping by me

etcetcetc

but let’s end on a picture of Kuja for good times sake (I love how detailed he is, I wonder if his FMV model still exists somewhere or if they just really studied the FMVs themselves like I have spent too much time doing, he’s so detailed and accurate, right down to the way his armor looks on the back, and aaa I hope to make his outfit someday... my only real gripe is how his left side seems to be curved...weirdly...

wait did I get a defective Kuja figure

vs

did I really get one that reused the right side piece for both sides

not sure how to feel about that actually, honestly kind of impressed

#text stuffs #nyrants #ny does cosplay stuffs