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shockcity · 7 years

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HP fic - Drunk in Love

Rating: M

Pairing: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Summary: basically Ron suffers. Harry and Draco are in love.

AN: what do you mean thats a Beyoncé song

also, @amloveabledeathmo is an instigator

“He’s late,” said Ron, checking his watch for the fourth time in ten minutes.

Seamus did not seem concerned. “Held up by Robards again, I reckon,” he speculated. “He’s got that lecture whatsits.”

“Oh. Right.”

Ron had forgotten about Harry’s upcoming lecture at Hogwarts, in which he would give an awkward speech to the bright-eyed students of The Git’s DADA class all about the Amazing Life of an Auror. It’s just paperwork and cursed doorknobs. Hardly amazing, Harry had grumbled. There was also the repeated reports of Voldemort Is In My Yard Please Send Help, but Harry didn’t like to talk about those. Not even to complain.

So what with the life of an Auror not being glamorous in the least, and Harry’s natural aversion to talking about anything personal, it wasn’t all that surprising that it took Robards two months to convince him to do it. Good for recruitment, he’d said at first until eventually he’d resorted to, do it or Weasley’s fired which worked and Ron found hilarious.

“Doom and Gloom has entered the building,” Seamus suddenly announced. Ron turned to the fireplace and saw Harry step out, his expression hangdog.

He slouched over to the bar and huddled next to Ron.

“Firewhiskey,” he said to Hannah when she raised her eyebrows at him.

“Bad day, Harry?” she asked sympathetically.

He shook his head. “Bad life,” he said, and stared at the shot Hannah had poured for him. “Can I have more?”

She frowned. “How much more?”

“All of it.”

Ron clapped him on the back. “Steady on, mate,” he said. “Tell your pal Ron what’s ailing you.”

“Yeah, tell us,” Seamus agreed. “We care. Also we like to laugh at you.”

“You’re both the worst.”

Harry threw back his shot and cradled his other one, glaring into the distance with dead, dead eyes.

“It was Malfoy. He dropped by the office to ‘make sure I wasn’t going to traumatize his students’ or ‘make them think my impressive degree of stupidity is actually acceptable in real life’ and also that I ‘comb my hair for once.’ It was horrible and I regret so much.”

He sipped at his glass this time, looking broody. “Why is it always me?” he muttered.

Ron exchanged a look with Seamus. “When are you expected to do it?” he asked.

“Next week. For four classes. Malfoy says I’m supposed to collaborate with him, too. He insisted and everything, which, honestly? A bit suspicious. I’m beginning to think Malfoy is up to something.”

Dean, who had just emerged from the loo and was coming toward them with a smile on his face, suddenly halted in his tracks. When he heard 'Malfoy’ and 'up to something’ his eyes widened and he turned right around and left. Smart lad. Ron was jealous.

“….and he was a git about that too. Kept going on and on about my wardrobe. What’s wrong with cable knit anyway? Fuck if I know. Not good enough for Draco Malfoy. Or, excuse me, Professor Malfoy. Hah. Professor Arseface, more like. Git. Too bad the position isn’t still cursed. Do you think we could put it back on? Maybe a spell that causes discomfort in hard to reach areas – ”

“I’ve gotta go,” Seamus said, before taking up his pint and running away like the coward he was.

Ron grabbed at his robes but it was a lost cause. Warily, he turned back to Harry with a pained smile and interrupted his muttering.

“Harry,” he said. “Mate. Maybe slow down a bit? That’s your fourth shot and even Hannah’s looking concerned.”

“She’s a good person,” Harry said morosely, and then hiccuped. “Not like Malfoy. Twat. I like him. No. I don’t like him. What am I saying.”

Ron blinked and looked away. “Why is this happening to me?” he whispered to himself.

Harry patted him on the arm. “Because Malfoy,” he mumbled.

Which yeah. Alright. But also Harry. Malfoy and Harry. When was it not Malfoy and Harry?

“It always comes down to you two,” he sighed.

Harry’s head suddenly whipped around and he looked at Ron with horrified eyes. “I would not go down on him, Ron, oh my god.”

“Wait. What?”

“Ok, maybe the once.”

And that was about all he could take sober. “Hannah, love?” he called down the bar. “Top off? Actually, just bring the bottle. Yeah, all of it. Quickly.”

“Just to see what it was like, you know?”

“Quicker.”

“Why do you keep looking around?” Ron asked, squinting at Harry.

Harry looked cagey. “No reason.”

Ron’s best friend was a bad liar. “What have we done now?” He slurped at the foam at the top of his beer.

“You haven’t done anything and neither have I.”

“Harry.” Ron stuck a finger in his face. “I am you and you are me and we are we. You get arrested? I get arrested. You get clobbered? I get clobbered. You follow spiders? Somehow I follow spiders I still don’t understand how that happened. You throw up and start sobbing about baby animals after only six pints? I clean up your vomit and laugh for a long, long time. You’re like my brother, do you understand?”

Seamus, who had been loitering to the left of them, shook his head at Ron. “You’re so drunk,” he mused.

“Very much,” Ron agreed. “Now, what are you looking for? Or who. Is it a who? Who could it be? All your friends are here already.”

Harry discretely wiped his eyes and huffed. “I have other friends.”

“Nah.”

He huffed again. “Jokes on you because I’ve invited someone.”

Ron’s eyebrows shot up. “Eh?”

Seamus looked equally surprised. “Did you get a boyfriend?”

Harry’s lack of response had them all crowing.

“Great Gods! He’s finally getting rogered!” Seamus shouted.

“Today he becomes a man,” Dean nodded solemnly.

“Everybody! This is my son,” Ron announced loudly, clasping Harry’s shoulder. “And on this momentous day, this day of all days, my son, whom I have raised, will finally experience the passions of the body – ”

“I see you’re as idiotic as ever, Weasley,” came a very familiar voice from behind them. “Good to know some things don’t change.”

Ron groaned. “Not you. Go away. We’re celebrating.”

Malfoy crossed his arms. “Excuse you, I was invited.”

The table went silent.

“Oi! You lot!” Hannah shouted at them from the bar. “Anymore shouting and I’ll cut you off!”

“Hello, is this the My Best Friend is Dating a Berk support group? My name is Pansy and I’ve been afflicted for three months.”

“Hi, Pansy,” Dean sniggered. “Heard you were living with muggles.”

“Well, in the muggle world I don’t have a history of trying to sell Potter out to the dark lord so….” she shrugged.

Ron found none of this funny. Pansy Parkinson’s presence was, apparently, another consequence of Harry dating Malfoy. He turned and glared at the two at fault for this nefarious invasion of Slytherins. They were at the end of the table whispering to each other, probably playing footsie under the table and everything. Ron leaned down to check.

“Footsie?” Pansy asked, sighing.

Ron nodded. “Has it only been three months? It feels like longer. I’m exhausted.”

“Maybe it won’t last,” Seamus pointed out wisely.

Ron and Pansy gave him identical looks of disdain. “After nine years of pining and foreplay?” Pansy said.

“And even during the year when Harry was dating my sister and the long eight months we spent living in a tent? Not likely, mate.”

“Weren’t you in a dorm with him?” Pansy asked incredulously.

“Seamus always slept like the dead. He never heard…things,” Ron explained.

“Blaise used to record Draco moaning Potter’s name in his sleep with a quick notes quill. Excellent blackmail material, I must say.”

“That is both disgusting and impressive. High five.”

Pansy did not leave Ron hanging.

“I love you so much right now.”

“I’m sad, though.” Harry covered his face, turning his head when Draco grabbed at his fingers to pry them away. “I had a shit time of it.”

“Me too.”

“I hate Voldemort.”

“Me too.”

“I love you, you know? I think I’ve always loved you.”

Draco blinked. “Really?”

“Yeah. I think we’re soulmates maybe.”

“Soulmates?”

“Yeah.”

“….I’m going to the loo.”

This was the very important conversation Ron did not overhear, because he was too busy arguing with Seamus about the upcoming Quidditch World Cup, in which England had its first chance at winning since '66. Seamus, who supported Ireland, was convinced that his team would beat out England and secure their rightful place in the final, despite the fact they’d already been knocked out of the running by Portugal last week. Things were getting heated.

“I have to pee, but when I get back….” He flung up two fingers with a glare. “We’re finishing this, Seamus Finnigan.”

“Bring it, Ginger Shit.”

He stumbled toward the back and swung open the doors to the loo. It took him around ten seconds to realize that there were noises coming from one of the stalls. Sex noises.

“I’ll be out of your way in a minute!” Ron told the anonymous lovers, and waddled toward the urinal.

But before he could unzip and proceed, a blond head popped up from the top of the stall door. “Beat it, Weasel,” said Malfoy.

Ron gaped.

“Ron, please,” came Harry’s voice, sounding pretty pitiful but occupied at the same time. He quickly scrubbed that observation from his brain.

“You!” He pointed an accusing finger at Malfoy. “Don’t have sex in public places!”

“I’ll do it where I want,” Malfoy said primly.

“Please, Ron.”

“I should call the Aurors!”

Draco threw his hands up. “You are an Auror. The man sucking me off is an Auror. Do we need any more law enforcement here? I don’t think so!”

“There’s always a need,” Ron hissed. “Don’t get me started on the downsizing.”

“Yes, well, I would like Potter to continue downsizing my dick, so there’s the door, goodbye, thank you, fuck off.”

It was at this point that Ron realized that he was traumatized for life. That he’d just caught his best mate sucking off someone in the loo. That life would never be the same. That he was a changed man.

He said this all out loud, of course.

Harry groaned from inside the stall, and it wasn’t the good kind of groaning either.

“No one respects me.”

Hermione turned her keen eyes on her boyfriend, looking so much like Professor McGonagal that Dean made a face and ducked behind Seamus.

“We’re at the Leaky Cauldron, aren’t we?” she said. “You were allowed to choose the venue. You also chose the flavor of the cake.”

Ron pouted. “Strawberry is fantastic.”

“Harry hates strawberry.”

Hermione wasn’t having any of his complaining even though she’d not consulted him on the party at all. It seemed like no one wanted Ron to plan his best mate’s birthday, and that honestly hurt.

“The theme was going to be Near Death Experiences. I was going to make bald party hats and hand out edible noses.”

“And I wanted the cake to be shaped like a giant cock,” Seamus added. “Malfoy could be equipped, you know. Near death experience is right.”

“SURPRISE!”

Harry had tumbled out of the floo and confetti had been quickly thrown in his face. Malfoy strutted out of the fireplace behind him with a sneer.

“Happy birthday!” shouted everyone.

Ron bravely managed to put aside his disappointment and enjoy the party. It was rather tame for the most part, though the drink flowed liberally and Hannah was looking a little done in after the third hour. Ron had also forgotten why exactly he was not respected enough or whatever.

“I love you so much,” he told Hermione, who was not drunk but absolutely giggling. “I never didn’t like you. The moment I saw you I said to myself, 'Ron Weasley, you will never measure up to her,’ and that sounds bad, I guess, but in my kid-brain I knew. I knew that what I really meant was, 'Ron Weasley, that girl right there is the best girl you’ll ever find. You can stop looking now, mate.’”

Hermione was bright red, and Harry was crying.

Malfoy looked unimpressed. “When I first saw Harry I thought he didn’t bathe,” he announced.

Harry scowled.

“But then I realized he was just poor and felt bad for him.”

Dean whistled.

“But then I realized none of that mattered because he was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and if I could have him then I wouldn’t mind being seen with an unwashed peasant in public, because I would be the happiest person alive.”

Harry sniffled.

“In fact.” Draco suddenly stood up. “I’d like to say, for the record, that I am not drunk.”

“Why?” Seamus asked, appalled.

Draco straightened his robes, and then slowly and dramatically – got down on one knee.

“Harry Potter, with no alcohol running through my delicate veins – ”

“What?” Ron hissed.

“ – and with nothing keeping us apart, most especially dark lords and Weasleys – ”

“What?”

“ – on the anniversary of your birth, this momentous day, I ask for your hand in marriage.” He then gazed up at Harry affectionately. “Marry me,” he said.

“NO,” shouted Ron.

“Yes,” cried Harry.

“Mazel tov,” said Pansy. “It’s about time.”

CODA

“Ever since we defeated the dark lord, Harry and I have spent most of our time drunk,” said Ron, the Best Man, holding up his glass of champagne for emphasis. “In retrospect, it would have been nice to have been drunk before then, but I imagine we would have had a harder time winning the war that way. Or easier. You never know.”

Hermione dropped her face into her hands.

“The first time Harry came to me with the news that he and Malfoy were dating, I was not drunk enough. The second time was better. I had passed out by then. After that I sort of accepted that no matter how much I drank and how many times I tried to ignore it, Harry loving Malfoy was not a hallucination or a dark spell I contracted via doorknob. No, the truth was, Harry loved Malfoy. That was it. He loved him.”

Harry sent Draco a shy smile.

“After a brief period of mourning, I decided to vet Malfoy thoroughly. I have with me now a stack of parchment documenting the many wet dreams Malfoy has had during his seven years as Blaise Zabini’s roommate, his questionable choice in music, his criminal record, and the fact that he doesn’t like cheese as proof that there are many things very wrong with Draco Malfoy.”

Hermione looked furious, but Ron only nodded to her respectfully.

“But Harry loves him. He loves him and he’s not even drunk. So to hell with it.” He raised his glass. “To Harry and Malfoy. May you continue to love each other until the end of time. Be happy. Stay sober. Someone get me another drink.”

#drarry #HP FIC #harry x draco #so this happened #I'll be back to the Bagginshield soon #promise #but SOMEBODY got me all into drarry again #cough

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