#not in a negative way. im just genuinely endlessly fascinated by people who copy the tagz of the postz they rb down to even the

[thevalleyoftriumph]

you know i just saw the strangest thing

#not in a negative way. im just genuinely endlessly fascinated by people who copy the tagz of the postz they rb down to even the #personal commentary tagz. like... do they know they just copied down my comfort character tag?? do they know #if the person that brought thiz to mind about seez thiz Hi! i promise im not upset bc thatd be a dumb thing to be upset about #im just Genuinely Baffled?? im not sure why people do it im curious. is it like.. automatic? or something? #kitkat chitchat #if someone who doez thiz on Purpose seez thiz [or knwoz their blog doez it #whichever one iz the cause idk] then uh i do wanna say #if you rb a post that i add personal commentary on in the tagz OR my .zip tag to #please try and go back and edit it to remove thoze 😭 id rather that not be copied #funny commentz or general fav tagz are obviously fine and generally i cant stop you if you do thiz on purpose #i dont REALLY care #itz just a personal preference you feel me?

[pensiveponder]

I’m thinking more about mania andFuck I just noticed some REALSHIT?I was thinking of mania as Good feelings and Deprrssion as bad ones butit’s not it’s more like - intensity. Mania can manifest as obsessive anything reallyand I’m noticing like. I’ve often felt sort of confused and disoriented by like

amikaYesterday at 11:35 PM

its really tough to realize when youre in it too

critterdustYesterday at 11:35 PM

why I might suddenly enjoy things one dayAnd not lateror how likeI basically can’t remember anything since before some day where I suddenly switchedI think maybe I should consider not taking adderall on manic daysbut I’ll have to think on thatbut uhBecause I didn’t recognize my feelings as manicI was absurdly reckless with my emotions + this crushAnd also I’ve been constantly confused about my fluctuations and mostly just, genuinely I would say “disoriented” is the best way to describe  it(edited)Of frequently feeling like the person who made the last decisions was not me somehowAnd a state of confusion of how I got myself into this World stateBut like. While I’m depressed I spend a lot of time angry at myself for not being “lightning boned”So much so that maybe when I’m manic I try to force certain emotions way too hard tooBut instead I could just. Calmly and legitimate await the change and actually accept that I have mood cycles(And try to do my best anyway on depressive - it’s a good time for going for walks and doing calmer stuff actually. It’s not impossible to do Work in this mode if it’s simpler stuff too)Instead of seeing mania as “when the emotions good” I mostly just need to see it as like“when are the behaviors erratic - when are the emotions intense (even if negative feeing)”it’s not like phases are ALL ONE for me generally either but mostly you’ll see 1-2 week periods that are primarily defined by oneThere also are a lot of things that I just saw as aspects of my personality that are actually only shown in mania (an obvious example is the version of me that generally likes to act “publically eccentric” and also the version of me that is endlessly fascinated by things (June gasps at the sea, and then the pier, and then this tree, and then the clouds, and then the sun - oh! Isn’t it all beautiful?)But if I can recognize that these things exist on a track of sorts I can probably do a lot less self guilty shit and also be able to like. Know actively what set of decisions I should be using lately (such as directing mania to healthier activities, remembering the properly rest and appreciate calmer activities in depressy)Oh my god mania + insecurity is absolutely why I used to get myself into parasocial relationships for little phases

amikaYesterday at 11:51 PM

(sorry im here, just helping a friend with a design project live too)

critterdustYesterday at 11:51 PM

Oh yeah it’s np!! I just realized like. Ok I need to write these down(Me thinking) I think one thing that fucked me up a bit is like, as a kid anytime I would express manic energy my parents would either guide me at better uses of it or it’d just be written off as Me Beint Weird Sometimes And not a thing that had cycles. Basically I was treated as if I was choosing to exhibit a set of traitsBut Imagining that I just chose to be in this state really makes it difficult to properly interact with itAnd also that me having a strong desire to change to one state usually means a change is about to happenGenerally this involves a specific subjectHoly fuck - every single one of my fiction Entities is just a different maniaI genuinely feel like. A large amount of my best qualities are basically mania driven. But a lot of my worst ones too. and that’s something for me to take careful consideration of

October 21, 2019

critterdustToday at 12:08 AM

I’ve basically viewed most mania-driven traits with either sheer admiration or total shame depending on my perspective on them but there is a healthier way to see myself than thatand additionally I can’t be thinking of the manic self as my “true self” and the other selves as like, lesser forms

critterdustToday at 12:23 AM

When I’m feeling a desperate need of “confirmation” of some thing from another person socially is when I often act the weirdestI mean one way to relieve that is to receive confirmation of whatever the anxiety isbut anothe ris to mentallynlikenTo Notice that what I’m feeling isn’t really “real”. Like it obviously feels real and anxious / insecure but it’s not actually probably a legitimate one - which means I probably don’t need to address it in some (probably overly grand attempted) way either(it’s legit ok to not be reading these at this point btw I just, need to write this here now and then copy paste it for reasons I can’t explainadditionally even tho recognizing these patterns is useful and important I’m also not going to treat these as some total determinate of me - these are more like guidelines of how to examine my expected mental bias not like “oh I’m feeling depressed guess I better not even attempt to do anything” or etcWhile manic issues are definitely.. ok something to note for my internal state recognizing. I’m actually most now thinking of how it changes my behavior to othersas a more, like, concern(minor note my parents used to note how they thought I’d gotten extremely too high energy lately and this must be bc I always get kicked into a manic cycle whenever I go on a trip for some reason

critterdustToday at 12:40 AM

Ugh another thing I do while manic I need to stop doing is, I start to ignore social signals from people when I don’t like the signalwhich additionally creates this weird behavior where I try to maximize the output of positive signals with no thought at all to the creation of negativeswhich is - just, totally irrational! Since I still notice them and feel weird about them!I just behaviorally ignore their existence as if they had 10% the strength they do or somethingI want to say “June attempts to create positive signals to assuage an insecurity” is maybe the absolute most shameful action that I sometimes actThere’s a healthier way to engage with positivity and insecurity with friendships than that (and like, I usually understand this)