#my stupid little brain operates on solving the puzzle or knowing why it was unsolvable but fuck!!!

[dex-starr]

I think I hurt myself real good going back into the past damn dude I’m stupid and I went back even further before me and I’m so dumb why didn’t I see shit

#fuck man sometimes I feel like I got left for things I couldn’t fully control and it hurts but I had some control but fuck I don’t know man #clearly therapy hasn’t helped me jackshit on this topic because I cannot get any closure on it #my stupid little brain operates on solving the puzzle or knowing why it was unsolvable but fuck!!! #I can look at these messages but they tell me nothing and show me nothing aside from what I lost and what changed #I only know your view in hindsight but I knew it at the time too I just didn’t know how to give you what you wanted haha #I can only ask forgive me I’m dumb so many times there but my brain just goes in circles #why did I have to fall head over heels for you I didn’t want to be with anyone before this!!!!! #I wanted to just wither away slowly and peacefully I wanted solitude I was ready to just float on somewhere without a care #and then I cared. I grew to care for you so much. I still care so much. I wanted to be with you so much. I still kind of do. #I still can’t really think properly when it comes to you and I hate it I hate my emotions so much sometimes I had emotional dysregulation #I hate my executive dysfunction #I hate my procrastinating nature I hate my stubbornness #I hate all the things that made me lose you #why couldn’t I just be the things that made you love me and want to stay why did I find it so hard to reconcile with myself