#my first non-sagau piece and it’s about characters beating the shit out of eachother. par for the course tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

m1d-45 · 2 years

Text

1.4k words of how well i think genshin characters would do in a slapfight competition

summary: what it says on the tin. here’s an example if you’ve never seen a slapfight. skip to ~3 min in.

i delayed the second part of ‘dearly beloved’ for this. /srs

spoilers for albedo, diluc, and childe lore. technically also for mondstat’s archon quest. i swear excessively and have heavy biases.

cast, in no order: beidou, albedo, kaeya, diluc, childe, kujou sara, tighnari, heizou, shenhe, xiao, kuki shinobu, ayato, hu tao, yanfei

masterlist

beidou

- don’t think i need to explain this one. number one, she’s a sailor. number two, she’s a claymore user.

- she’s built like a brick and i do not take criticism on the subject. you’re wrong.

- she’ll walk in, taking a wide stance and crossing her arms, staring down whatever unlucky individual is her opponent. doesn’t matter how cocky they are, how many comments they make about “i thought this was supposed to be a real challenge!” or whatever. as the guy passes off his coors lite beer and prepares, she doesn’t say a word.

- she’ll just lift her chin, maroon eyes daring them to move.

albedo

- “ooo but albedos made of chalk, he’ll just shatter”

- nope. as funny as that image is, you’re wrong. incorrect. false. he has the bone structure of a person, he bleeds, he bruises, all of it. even if he isn’t organic in nature, everything that he is is human.

- now that we’ve got that aside, he can take a slap. absolutely. he probably has in the past, for whatever reason.

- his skin is pale—what with being chalk—so the redness shows up easier, but that’s the only evidence he ever got slapped, really.

- the most reaction you’ll get from him is a small flex of his jaw, maybe his eyes will slip shut or flutter. besides that, it’s like he never got hit.

- god forbid his opponent try and taunt him. i don’t know if that’s allowed within the rules but it is an awful idea to try.

- every movement of his is calculated, the careful fold of his gloves as he slides them off not betraying any emotion. the countdown starts but he doesn’t even try to wind up, barely giving his opponent time to prepare before it hits.

- don’t let the pretty boy alchemist look fool you. that opponent is walking out bruised, both on his cheek and his ego.

kaeya

- need i go on /hj

- can and will talk shit. it’s a given, sorry

- doesn’t matter if his opponent is a wall of muscle, he’s putting a hand on his hip and flipping his hair back, a scary gleam in his exposed eye. even if he has to tilt his head up to make eye contact, he will not let that stop him.

- when the slap comes, his shoulders will turn and it’ll definitely twist his body—he’s thin, lean instead of bulky, that’s expected. what isn’t is the laugh that immediately comes out of him, his stare as sharp as the spikes on his wrist when he lifts a hand to cover his mouth.

- “oh, is that all?”

- such a shit talker he gets the only line of dialogue in this piece. i love him.

- firm believer that he would give a better punch, just because his hand is probably better built for that, but his slaps still hurt like a bitch.

diluc

- so many opinions on this guy.

- first point, he’s a claymore user. automatically gets a leg up, just because his arms are used to swinging quickly with a lot of force behind them. he’s built beneath that jacket, and it shows.

- another that would make a display out of taking off his gloves, except his is less dexter level clinical and more ‘quiet victorian man winds down for the evening with a cup of tea and his latest read.’

- i think he’d have a hard time regularly swinging with intent behind it, but then he starts imagining his opponent with a fatui’s mask and it gets a lot easier.

- speaking of: his batman darknight duties?

- he literally spends his nights swinging around a claymore, you think he can’t hit one (1) guy??

heizou

- i encourage every heizou-haver to reread his story about the martial arts competition or whatever at the tenryou commission.

- his fists were his weapon and he was the undisputed winner. it’s the exact same here. another pretty boy that hits harder than you’d expect.

- sorry his section is short but i cannot elaborate. it’s so obvious.

- he’d get far, but maybe like. top 15? he’s not built for the heavier hits, and would definitely get dazed after a hit from, say, beidou.

- he couldn’t tackle the harder hitters, he would 100% pass out if he went into like top 5 territory, but everybody up until then better pray.

shenhe

- need i go on pt2

- she would 100% crack a man’s jaw. straight up.

- her face barely moves from a hit, and her opponent’s hand? its like they hit concrete.

- another short section just because i don’t feel the need to explain myself.

- she’s like the better version of childe: all the intent and strength, but with enough concentration to follow every rule, even when it looks like she doesn’t.

xiao

- xiao

kuki shinobu

- she is the literal definition of ‘talk shit, get hit’

- replay her story quest and go down the option that has her saving the gang members. the whole ‘gang rules’ arc??

- her only barrier would be taking off her mask, and though i’m not gonna touch on that specifically, were she to compete?

- she’d get far. she’s not really built for giving out or taking slaps, but she’ll do pretty good. 6.75/10

yanfei

- similar vein to shinobu.

- not really one that’ll get far, but will compete for bragging rights and get a respectable distance through the tournament.

- definitely nothing to scoff at, she may be a catalyst user but she’s also half adepti.

- she’s also a lawyer, so you can bet she’s following every single rule and still kicking your ass.

- also, that giant book she lugs around everywhere? the one in her idle? she has to have some sort of strength to her slap.

honorable mentions:

tighnari

- he could tank hits!! but he cannot give them out

- could take a slap like he was made to do it. would have to put away his hair but that won’t stop him. it would look like it hurt, but he waves off whoever asks if he’s fine.

- however, he could not slap hard enough, i don’t think. bows aren’t really brute force weaponry, and he’s more a healer in practice

- (not in-game, like in-lore)

kujou sara

- same problem, really.

- could take a slap, could not dish it.

- probably has a lesser chance at it than tighnari, really.

- it’s not her fault! she’s a ranged fighter! bows just don’t require the same muscle

childe

- i know what you’re thinking and the answer is no.

- now, he can take a slap. wont be fazed. he can give a slap. his opponent will be knocked out instantly.

- but he could never compete in a slapfight.

- he’d walk up, his face probably barely moving from its spot. but when it’s time to hit… he could not follow the rules at all.

- he’s too eager! he’s gonna play dirty! instinct can and will kick in and he’s either gonna slide his foot for a better stance or just fuckin deck the other guy.

- if he were to follow the rules, he would win hands down. but he cannot follow the rules, and so he is disqualified.

- sad days.

hu tao

- do not get me wrong. she could and would do excellent in a slapfight.

- she has the strength, the muscle, she could take a hit, the only thing she’s lacking is the will.

- in lore, she is not one for fighting. that is the one and only thing keeping her from wrecking every other competitor.

- she literally wrangles spirits day to day. she’s a polearm user—dude the strength required to spin those things around daily, especially with her kit?? she drains her own hp daily and still does it

- she’s not here because of a skill issue, but because of her beliefs. and that’s fair.

ayato

- dainty pretty boy that would be more affected by slaps than he’d let on, but it’s obvious in the way he sways and his hand shakes.

- he’d do well initially, but would 100% lose to even heizou.

- sorry king :/

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