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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

#survey #surveys #questions

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itisiidiocy · 6 years

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The Sweet Case of Keller

"Your last name is Keller, right?"

"Yeah how did you know that?"

Fangs was yawning as he walked down the Southside High's hallways, tired after the previous night's late night show at the Twilight when he saw his hazel eyed friend leaning against the lockers.

"Yo! DeSantos!" Fangs called out only to be met with silence.

"DeSANTOS!" He tried again.

Shaking his head he walked towards his greasy haired friend who was smiling stupidly at his phone.

"Joaquin!" Fangs shook the other serpent by his shoulders to bring him back to earth.

"Oh hey Fangs!" Joaquin said startled. "Sorry I was just...." He looked down at the phone in his hands and Fangs swore that he saw him blush a little.

"What got you all smiley this morning, huh?" Fangs teased.

"Oh no nothing...erm just came across this cool meme--"

"Oh come on Joaquin, it's no secret that you hate memes. You are that one fucktard of our group who doesn't know how to respect memes so stop lying" Fangs accused.

"Am not! Since you guys keep babbling about how good memes are, I thought I might give it a try" Joaquin countered as he awkwardly shrugged and scratched the back of his neck.

Fangs narrowed his eyes skeptically and then exclaimed excitedly.

"Ohmygod, there's a boy!"

"What? no!" Joaquin quickly denied

"Oh yes, you always scratch the back of your neck when you're lying. TELL ME MORE!"

"No I don't and there is no boy. Back off Fogarty" Joaquin snapped

"There is." Fangs continued, unfazed.

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"YES"

"ye-NO"

"Ha!" Fangs high-fived himself. "I knew it. I knew you were hooking up last night when you went to get popcorn and returned like 2 light-years later."

"Our greasy boy is finally getting laid" Fangs gushed.

Joaquin just shook his head at his overly proud friend and made his way away from him and walked towards his next class. Fangs ran to catch up with him while continuously nagging about the Joaquin's new 'love interest'.

"Don't you have a class to attend?" Joaquin asked frustrated.

"Aww, look at this love sick boy" Fangs said into the air. "so lost in thoughts that he even forgot that we have chemistry together" Fangs teased again deliberately pressing on the word 'chemistry'.

Joaquin just rolled his eyes and proceeded inside the apparent chemistry lab.

The corners of the lab were tainted black due to the numerous chemical explosions that took place there courtesy of Sweet Pea. At the back, the Ghoulies were hurdled up, smoking pot--in the chemistry lab of all places-- and laughing loudly.

Joaquin and Fangs looked at each other and sighed. They were surprised that the Ghoulies were actually going to attend a class after all.

"Hello students" Mr. Saltzman's voice rung through the lab making the students hurry into their respective stalls. Joaquin went and sat at his usual secluded corner while Fangs went to sit beside a Ghoulie-glaring Sweet Pea.

"I see the royalties decided to join us today" Mr Saltzman commented upon seeing the Ghoulies.

"What can we do Mr Saltzman? Our love for you is endless" Bucky-one of the Ghoulies-spoke up. "Besides, You are the only teacher who still lets us in their class."

"And then you ask why I question my life choices" Mr Saltzman muttered to himself.

"Anyways, since you are so enthusiastic about giving education a chance, why don't you start on with the class today? Read us on from where we left off on Friday?" He asked Bucky "oh wait, you were probably stoned on Friday, and on Thursday and Wednesday and literally every other day of your existence, much like your education."

At that, Bucky's smile vanished and his expression replaced with an angry and somewhat embarrased one.

Mr Saltzman deadpanned at the group, already used to their antics and turned to the rest of the chucking class.

"Mr DeSantos, why don't you do the honors today?" He asked before he turned towards the board and writing down the heading.

"Mr DeSantos?" He asked again upon not receiving a response from the serpent.

Fangs looked up from doodling in his book to see Joaquin dreamily stare at his closed book with a small smile on his face. Fangs smirked knowing what was up.

"Joaquin!" Mr Saltzman exclaimed just like Fangs did not too long ago.

Joaquin jumped up slightly from his chair, startled by the shrill sound of his name being called out by his teacher.

"Uh y-yes ma-...sir?" He questioned, lost to the happenings in his surroundings.

"What's in the Dreamland for us today? Disney princess or lesbian porn?" Mr Saltzman sassed causing the classroom to erupt in chuckles for the second time that day.

"Spare him today Mr Saltzman" Fangs smirked from his seat in the middle back. "Someone's got his brain a little too pre-occupied today"

The class once again erupted into a series of 'ohh' and teasing whistles as Joaquin sunk further into his chair.

"Quiet!" Mr Saltzman shouted, frustrated. "Now, Mr DeSantos, if we are finally back on Earth again, could you summarise what we did before the weekend?"

"Sure eh sir" Joaquin answered awkwardly before picking up his book.

He narrated the synopsis of how carbon particles form a covalent bond instead of an ionic one due to their incapability of losing or gaining ions.

While the Ghoulies engaged the class with an acute comparison between carbon particles and a reproductively infertile person, Fangs caught Joaquin glaring angrily at him and turns to look the other way when he saw Fangs looking.

Fangs panicked internally. He knew he fucked up. He shouldn't have teased Joaquin in front of the whole class especially when he didn't know if what he guessed was true.

After the class, Joaquin quickly gathered up his things and bolted out of the classroom.

"Joaquin!" Fangs ran out after him hot on his heals, leaving a confused Sweet Pea behind.

"Joaquin! Listen up!" No response. "WAIT UP DeSANTOS!"

"come on! JOAQUIN!" Fangs grabbed his serpent jacket in an attempt to stop the raging bullet.

"WHAT!?" Joaquin angrily turned to face Fangs almost knocking him over.

"What do you want fangs? The details of my rendezvous with a 'someone' hmm?" Joaquin sassed, furious.

"Dude, come on! It was just a joke. Why are you getting so upset?" Fangs tried to reason.

"Because no one can know and it's none of your fucking business!" He whisper-yelled.

"Okay one, ouch and two, what do you mean no one can know?" Fangs inquired.

"Yoo-hoo" Joaquin sing-songed. "I JUST said, it's none of your business"

"Joaquin come on, you're worrying me now. You almost never get angry and right now you're furious in-spite of knowing that I was joking." Fangs rambled on "You always tell me about stuff and now you're saying it's 'none of my business'? Well yes sir, it is absolutely my business and you know what? I'm definitely not going to stop bugging you until---"

"His name is Kevin Keller" Joaquin sighed.

"---you tell me who-- wait, Kevin Keller? As in Sheriff Keller's Keller?" Fangs asked shocked.

Joaquin nodded.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!?"

Joaquin jumped up and sealed Fangs' mouth with his palm, looking around to see of anyone heard him.

"Quiet!" He whispered sharply. "Now you see why no one can know?"

Fangs straightened up and and jerked Joaquin's hand from his mouth.

"No shit, Sherlock" he huffed. " What were you thinking? Seriously, of all the jerks you could choose from, you chose the town sheriff's son while being part of a motherfucking gang!?"

"Well, don't blame me! You wanted to know, now you know." Joaquin shrugged.

"Wasn't riding a motorbike, carrying a knife in your pocket while wearing leather 24x7, getting a huge ass snake tattoo and hanging out in a bar full of drunkards all at 16 enough rebel for you?"

Joaquin deadpanned, severely regretting telling him anything.

"Does he even know that you're a serpent?" Fangs inquired.

"Of course he does. I have a 'huge ass snake tattoo' remember? He promised he won't tell if I won't."

"And you believe that?"

"Yes I do. And you are not going to question that" Joaquin stated.

"Have you totally lost it, DeSantos? He is fucking sheriff's son! It's written 'beware' in block letters on a big red sign board on his head!" Fangs exaggerated.

Joaquin looked around to check again if anyone was eavesdropping or intrigued with Fangs' not so subtle behavior.

"Look, I- FP put me upto this. He needs to keep an eye on the sheriff for..." he hesitated "....for some reason I don't know of. He's planning on doing that through his son and asked me get on his good side." Joaquin whispered.

"FP put you upto this?" Fangs asked, confused.

"Yes. Now please would you drop this and promise to never mention it to anyone. Just you and me okay? Or else FP will roast me alive." Joaquin said sincerely.

"Yeah yeah don't worry about it" Fangs sighed, casually shrugging off his friend.

"Fangs no." Joaquin looked Fangs in the eye as he firmly held him by his shoulder. "You don't understand. You can't tell anyone. Not even Sweet Pea or Toni. This is important okay? No one means no fucking one. Got it?"

"Yeah, jeez Joaquin" Fangs started as he noticed Joaquin's worried expression.

"Oh god okay, I hereby solemnly promise that this secret stays between the sonority and no outsider would know about it, even if they threaten to feed me to Godzilla." Fangs said in all seriousness.

Joaquin's eyes softened and he burst out laughing. "I'll take your word on that Fogarty"

He turned around to leave as Fangs voice teasingly called from behind.

"By the way, you don't have to blush everytime he texts, you know. FP won't know, trust me"

Joaquin threw a middle finger over his shoulder as he started walking faster in the opposite direction, desperately trying to hide the red creeping on his cheeks and the involuntary smile on his lips.

"Damn you're screwed, DeSantos"

"Joaquin and I used to hang out. He talked about you all the time."

@buggiebreak

#southsideshowcase #southside serpents #fangs fogarty #joavin #joaquin desantos #kevin x joaquin

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sending-the-message · 6 years

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What Happens When you Write to Satan instead of Santa Part 4: The Neighbor Wants to Fight FrankenTeddy by lifeisstrangemetoo

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Fire breathing butterflies were whizzing around my head when I got the call from Josh’s parents. We had tried to put them in a jar, but apparently old jam jars are no match for Hellfire, and the butterflies had burned their way through.

They had also managed to burn through four of my curtains, one couch cushion and all of our ice cream(though I suspect that was actually Franken Teddy), and yet they seemed completely immune to their own fire.

I struggled to pay attention as Josh’s mom, just as much of a bully as he was, shrieked at my on the other end.

“IF YOU THINK FOR A SECOND THAT YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH HAVING SOME GOON ASSAULT AND THREATEN MY CHILD I’VE GOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU.”

“Well, um, you see Josh was pulling the wings off of Sarah’s butterflies and--”

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOME STUPID BUGS. YOU KNOW WHAT, SMART GUY? I’M GONNA HAVE MY HUSBAND COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS.”

“Rita, I really don’t think that’s a good idea, because-”

The line clicked dead in the middle of my sentence, and sure enough, within a minute Rita’s husband was pounding on my door.

Ms. Hatchetface answered the door to reveal Rita’s husband Mike, a heavily tattooed man with way more biceps than brains, in a tight shirt that looked like someone had vomited rhinestones all over it.

“So,” he began in what I can only assume was his best tough guy voice, “where the fuck is this guy who threatened my kid?”

“Oh, Franken Teddy?” Ms. Hatchetface replied cheerily, “I think he’s upstairs trying on dresses with Sarah. Hey, Franken Teddy!” Ms. Hatchetface called out.

Mike looked a little bit unsure of himself as the seven foot tall teddy bear dressed in a unicorn cloak descended the stairs.

“I HAVE ANSWERED THE LADY HATCHETFACE’S CALL,” he boomed out in a voice so loud I could feel it in my gut.

“This man wanted to talk to you about what happened with Josh,” Ms. Hatchetface said.

“I REGRET THAT I DID NOT SEND HIM TO HELL. BUT I BELIEVE THAT FATE SHALL AFFORD ME ANOTHER OPPURTUNITY.”

That seemed to make Mike angry enough that he forgot his common sense for a moment, and he jammed a finger into Franked Teddy’s chest as he spoke.

“Nobody threatens my family,” he said through clenched teeth, “I’m gonna kick your fucking ass bro.

“I AM NOT IN POSSESSION OF AN ASS. I LACK THE HUMAN NEED TO DEFECATE,” Franken Teddy replied.

“I mean I’m going to fight you, bro.”

“I AM NOT DESIGNED FOR FIGHTING. I AM DESIGNED FOR LOVING. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO LOVE YOU INSTEAD?”

Mike’s mouth hung open in stunned silence.

“Are you...coming on to me?” he asked, his voice much smaller this time, “You know what?” He cleared his throat. “I don’t need this, I’m just going to call the cops. I’ll see you in Hell, buddy.”

“IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WISH,” Franken Teddy replied, and before I knew what what happening, there was a black and purple swirl of flames around the two of them and they had disappeared.

“Did...” I said weakly, “did he just take him to Hell?”

“Oh” Ms. Hatchetface replied, “Franken Teddy’s always been a bit literal. I’ll go fetch them.”

She stood there for a moment with a placid smile on her face.

“Are you... going to fetch them?” I asked.

“Oh, right now? Ok sure, why not.”

With that, Ms. Hatchetface disapeared in a puff of purple flames and smoke. My head began to feel warm on one side, and I wondered for a moment if I was having a stroke. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in a picture frame.

My head was on fire.

Before I had time to panic I felt a cold blast and my vision went white, and I realized I was covered in foam. I turned around to see Sarah holding the mini fire extinguisher from under the kitchen sink and grinning.

“Thanks for umppphhh--” my sentence was cut off by foam as the fire extinguisher blasted me in the face again.

“Sorry, Dad,” Sarah said. “You were still on fire a bit.”

“That’s okay, Honey,” I replied.

I heard the familiar sound of rushing air that was usually accompanied by black and purple flames and turned around to see that Ms. Hatchetface had returned, along with Franken Teddy and a much paler looking Mike.

“D-d-d-d-demons...” Mike stuttered, “I saw demons...”

“Jesus, Franken Teddy,” I said. “where did you take him?”

“I DELIVERED MY GUEST TO THE GATES OF HELL CITY’S GREATEST HELLSCAPE.”

“You uh- what now?” I asked.

“The Hellscapes are like Hell’s theme parks,” Ms. Hatchetface explained.

“Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad,” I said.

“Well, not for the demons, no,” she said. “But for the damned souls, it’s more like a themed arena of torture.”

“Oh,” I said.

“I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE HUMAN DID NOT ENJOY HIS TRIP. THERE WERE SNOWCONES.”

“But they were made of human blood,” Ms. Hatchetface said.

“BUT THEY WERE O-POSITIVE--THE MOST DELICIOUS KIND OF HUMAN BLOOD.”

Ms. Hatchetface’s tail twitched as she giggled.

“Well uh....” I trailed off. “Is there any way we could maybe make sure he doesn’t remember what happened?”

“I BELIEVE I CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE,” Franken Teddy replied, and before I could stop him, he had used his enormous paw to bash Mike over the back of the head.

Mike immediately fell over, either unconscious or dead.

“I HAVE SEEN THIS TECHNIQUE EMPLOYED IN THE BLACK SQUARES YOU REFER TO AS TEDDYVISION.”

“You mean television?” I asked.

“WHAT IS A TELE?”

“It’s short for telecomunni...you know what? Never mind.”

“VERY WELL.”

“So what should we do with him?” I said, staring at Mike’s unconscious form drooling onto my carpet.

“LADY HATCHETFACE HAS INFORMED ME THAT HUMANS DO NOT EAT OTHER HUMANS. I HAVE NO OTHER SUGGESTIONS.” Franken Teddy replied.

Just then an ear-splitting scream filled the air, and I saw our neighbor Rita standing in the doorway, hands on either side of her face and pale as snow.

“What did you people do to my husband?” she wailed, throwing herself on the ground and slapping Mike’s face hysterically in what I can only assume was an attempt to wake him. She must not have quite believed him when he said he was okay, because she slapped him a few more times just to make sure. When she was done making sure that he was still alive she looked up at all of us. Her eyes were bulging out of the sockets as she pointed a shaking finger at me.

“You...” she said, her face so red that she made the pink-skinned Ms. Hatchetface look like an albino, “I’ve already called the cops on you freaks. You’re all going to jail for a very long time.”

As if on cue, a police cruiser rolled to a slow stop in front of my house, and two officers made their way slowly towards my door.

“Which one of you is Rita?” the tall, dark-haired officer asked.

“I am!” Rita practically shouted as she jumped to her feet. “And these,” she said with venom in her voice, “these are the freaks who attacked my husband and son.”

Ms. Hatchetface grinned at the officers placidly as her tail snaked its way up under her skirt until it was hidden from view.

“Are you the husband?” the other office asked, kneeling down on the ground next to Mike with a sympathetic expression on his face.

“Yes,” Mike said. “Officer,” he whispered, “these people aren’t human.”

“They’re not?” the officer asked, a thin crease spreading across his brow.

“No,” Mike said. “They took me to Hell. I saw demons... and monsters... a-and-”

“Okay, well I’ve heard enough,” the first officer cut him off, turning towards Rita. “Lady, you know it’s a crime to prank call 911, right?”

“What?” Rita’s mouth flopped open like some sort of fish. “You’re acting like I’m in the wrong, here? These people... these freaks attacked my family!”

The dark-haired officer shook his head.

“Where I’m from,” he said, “we don’t call people who look different from us freaks. You can either vacate the premises on your own or you can vacate them in the back of my squad car.”

Rita’s face took on a cartoonish expression of disbelief, but when she saw that the officer wasn’t kidding she grabbed Mike’s arm and attempted to tug him to his feet. After an awkward moment of struggling the two were stumbling away back to their house. The first officer turned to Franken Teddy and said sympathetically:

“My cousin has a growth-hormone condition too. You just let me know if those people cause you any more trouble.”

He set his business card on the table next to the front door and motioned for his partner to leave.

“Oh, and, I know it’s none of my business,” he said, turning to Ms. Hatchetface, “but you should get some aloe-vera for that sunburn. Not that you uhh, don’t look beautiful. I just mean, I mean you’re very beautiful and-”

His partner loudly cleared his throat and patted the rambling officer on the back.

“Er, right,” he said. “Time to go.”

“Of course,” Ms. Hatchetface giggled as she shut the door behind them.

“Well, that went better than I expected,” I said. “I mean, that really almost got out of hand.”

“INDEED,” Franken Teddy replied. “I WAS ALMOST UNABLE TO PURCHASE A SOUVENIR FOR THE PRINCESS SARAH.”

“Wait, what?” I asked.

“Hooray, a souvenir!” Sarah squealed.

Franken Teddy began rummaging around in his unicorn cloak, and I held my breath, dreading what he would pull out of it. I let out a long sigh of relief when he finally produced an ordinary looking TV remote.

“What does it do?” Sarah asked, tilting her head to the side.

“Uhh, I don’t think that’s an appropriate gift for a child, Franken Teddy,” Ms. Hatchetface said.

“NONSENSE,” replied Franken Teddy. “IT IS A CHILD-FRIENDLY ONE.”

“A child-friendly what?” I asked.

Ms. Hatchetface plucked the remote out of Franken Teddy’s paw and began laughing to herself.

“Oh I see,” she said. “In Hell the demons watch the punishments on a sort of reality TV,” she explained, turning towards me, “and they can select the punishment they want to see with their TV remote controls.”

“Wait, what?” I said.

“But this one is for child demons,” she continued on, “take a look.”

The remote was black plastic, and looked like any other TV remote control you’d find at the store. Printed across the top in silver letters was the phrase: “The Remote of Minor Inconveniences.” Instead of numbers and menu buttons it was covered in buttons that said things like “tickle,” “tinnitus,” and “unscratchable itch.” At the center of the remote were two big purple plus and minus buttons that simply said “intensity.”

I realized that Sarah was standing on her tiptoes behind me too late to stop her from snatching it out of my hand and mashing the “tickle” button as she pointed it at Franken Teddy, who immediately erupted into roars of laughter.

“HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW. I FIND NO HUMOR IN THIS SITUATION BUT I AM UNABLE TO STOP LAUGHING. HAW HAW HAW HAW.”

I was about to take the remote away when Ms. Hatchetface caught my eye and smiled, and I forgot what I was doing.

“Why don’t we leave them to it, Mr. Rogers?” she said. “I had a um, private matter I wanted to discuss with you.”

“P-private matter?” I asked.

Those glittering obsidian eyes were like bottomless pools of water shimmering in the moonlight as they drew me in.

“Yes,” she giggled. “But let’s just keep it between us two. Maybe we could go somewhere more discreet?”

“Uh... yes, yes, discreet,” I said. Great idea.”

She smiled as she reached out and grabbed my hand, leading me slowly across the room and up the stairs.

She led me into the master bedroom and sat me down on the bed, closing and locking the door behind her, before turning towards me. One corner of her mouth was raised into a smirk as she looked at me and said:

“So about that private matter.”

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

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