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spiderfan22 · 7 years

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DAY TWO HUNDRED AND SEVEN - 1/30/17

“DUMPLINGS (MORE, MORE MORE)” by DJS

I think these two are amping up to kill each other.

Also, I’m not including the whole play this time, just the new pages, because that was starting to get fucking annoying. Check back for previous posts for the rest of the story.

Guest trails off, that sudden silly-happy spirit gone as quickly as it came. Lost again. Beat. Then quietly:

GUEST

Hey, do you wanna hear a story? Or not even a story but like more of an anecdote? Or not even an anecdote but just something I noticed about me recently? It was when I was getting my hair cut. I go to one of those cheapy-y places so generic I can’t even remember the name of it. Great Clips…? Smart Cuts…? I don’t know, not important. I just noticed that I am the worst at hair stylist chit-chat. Like they try to engage me in, you know, very general-type topics. BROAD: we’re talking local sports, TV shows, friendly, nothing too personal or that would force you to “out” yourself on any particular controversial issues. Like they’re not hitting me with where I stand on a woman’s right to choose. I’m in favor obviously but - I mean a woman’s body is her own… thing. But I’m getting off topic. The point is the normal chit-chat thing people do so effortlessly? Small-talk, right, you would call it? I can’t. I can’t. I am just incapable for whatever reason of sustaining for any length of time, you know, beyond the perfunctory responses of, just basic like “Good.” “Yeah.” “Sure.”

A for instance or example?

One time I’m sitting there, in the chair, the barber’s, and I’m wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. Pretty much my usual get-up, Star Wars or something superhero related…

(Important Note: however Guest is costumed, it must be explicit in how they are styled that they would never, under any circumstances, wear Star Wars or other geek related apparel. They are just not that person. To put it more bluntly, Guest is lying right now.)

GUEST

…I’m kind of a geek that way. Or just really, really set in my ways. Like I want to be able to reach into my drawer in the morning and grab a shirt and not have to worry about it, like I’ll look down and I won’t even know what I put on but it’s okay ‘cause it’s “Hey, cool, Spider-Man.”

Anyways, I’m wearing a Star Wars shirt. And I sit down and the first thing-

Well, I mean let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that it can’t be easy for the stylist either. I mean I’m sure when they go to beauty school or whatever they’re not given lengthy courses on social discourse. But a big part of their job is to be this talkative, you know, outgoing, to engage the customer, to build a rapport in that thirty minutes or an hour not much time, so that 1) the customer feels safe, you know, reasonably sure this total stranger with a sharp object isn’t going to just stab them in the eye, or slit their throat Sweeney Todd style, but is also a professional who’s gonna make them look good. And secondly, the haircut industry being a gratuity-inclusive system, they want you to like them because they make more if you like them, the idea being here that a lot of time when you get a haircut, you’re pretty much just looking for the same thing you got last time, so what you’re really judging them on is personality. How were they personally with you. I mean am I wrong? I don’t think so, but speak up now or forever hold your peace.

No but it’s, I guess what I’m trying to say is it takes two to tango. And the conversation, if that other person’s not giving, usually the customer… oh, it’s death. It is death to sit through. For both parties. Because there’s that forced feel to everything, like you’re not in Great Clips anymore but the dentist, ‘cause it’s like pulling teeth. Ugh!

But anyway, back to my story. So I was sitting there, or I was sitting down, they’d just called my name. And the stylist – and isn’t it that they always tell you their names and you even shake hands but I can never remember – the stylist says, she notices my shirt and says, “Oh did you see that new Star Wars movie?” A completely non-loaded, just chit-chatty question. And my response is, I go “Yeah…” and sort of trail off, “Yeah, yeah…” totally non-committal. So then she asks if I liked it, a natural follow-up, and I just say, “Yeah, it was okay.” Again, the most wishy-washy bullshit response. I don’t elaborate, I don’t ask if she’s seen it, I don’t ask if she’s more of Star Wars person or Star Trek, or a million other lines of inquiry I could have gone down, I don’t say anything, I don’t engage her back, I just leave her there hanging, this perfectly nice, just-doing-her-job, just trying to get through her shift, you know, vary the days- and I always tip well, I always tip like five bucks, it’s not that it’s just- I feel like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain here. Y’know?

And the reasons for that are… well, they’re… they probably just come down to me being so introverted. Like that’s just my wiring, that’s just how I’m built. And it’s sucky, it… yeah. Kind of debilitating.

(Pause. Guest makes sad trombone sound:)

Wah-wah.

(Pause. Then as Dan re-enters)

But it’s not like I can just stop getting my hair cut either.

Dan enters with a large mixing bowl covered by saran wrap.

DAN

(overhearing)

What about a haircut?

He sets the bowl on the table.

GUEST

Oh, nothing. Just some sad pathetic story I was telling them.

DAN

It wasn’t boring was it?

GUEST

(considers that)

I don’t think so. Introspective, sort of rambling…

(to audience)

I don’t know, what did you all think? Did you think my story was boring? Or maybe it held some special significance for you, was RELATABLE even…?

DAN

A haircut – how is that relatable?

GUEST

Well, we all get haircuts don’t we?

DAN

Most people, yeah…

GUEST

Well, see. There you go. There you are.

DAN

(mocking, lightly)

There I am.

Dan exits again.

GUEST

Where are you going now?

DAN

(off)

Just a few more things. I only have two hands.

GUEST

I said I would help.

DAN

(off)

I know.

(returning)

I know.

Dan carries on a plate with two spoons, two forks, and a thick stack of pre-moistened dumpling wrappers. Everything goes on the table.

GUEST

Smells good.

DAN

That’s the filling, yeah.

GUEST

What’s in it?

DAN

Mushrooms and cabbage.

GUEST

MMMMM. All chopped up together?

DAN

Yeah/

GUEST

Cooked or?

DAN

Yeah, sauteed.

GUEST

Can I try it?

DAN

…Sure.

GUEST

Is that ok?

DAN

Yeah go ahead.

Guest removes the saran wrap from the bowl and, using one of the forks, brings a mouthful of filling from to their lips and blows on it.

DAN

It’s not hot.

GUEST

Oh.

(Guest tries the filling. Nodding)

Mmmm. Oh. Yeaaaah.

DAN

Good?

GUEST

Yeah, really. I can’t wait to try it in the actual dumplings.

DAN

Then let’s get started.

Dan sits down and starts to lay out the materials. Guest joins them at the table.

GUEST

You seem more in a chipper mood than when we last saw you.

DAN

Well, I took some time backstage to think about things.

GUEST

Like what?

DAN

Just my general outlook on our relationship. The dynamic we share.

GUEST

And what conclusion did you come to about that?

DAN

That you’re not really my antagonist in this thing.

GUEST

How profound.

DAN

And even when you make comments like that, “How profound”, which could read like you’re trying to get at me, needle me into blowing up again, this big reaction, you’re IN ACTUALITY doing me a favor.

GUEST

A favor.

DAN

Yes.

GUEST

What kind?

DAN

Well, you’re supposed to be like that little voice inside my head, right? You know the one: that I argue with, that’s always criticizing me, making me feel bad, guilty, or just shitty; that overanalyzes every interaction, stretching moments, obsessing over the minutest; that worries me, panics me, berates me, frustrates me, makes me feel like the most disgusting human being for even thinking that, scares me into a corner, then fucks with me taunting me from the dark.

Beat.

GUEST

And that’s who I am?

DAN

Well yeah, pretty much. You’re an instigator, right? A rabble rouser; a provocateur.

GUEST

Don’t get foreign with me.

(pause)

So if I’m not the antagonist – which, let’s be honest, your description of me doesn’t entirely jive with if I’m always this critical apparition, I don’t know if that’s the word you’d use but – this kind of identity in your life, causing you stress and, just creating all sorts of turmoil for you. So if I’m not that, DESPITE what you claim, what does that not make you: the hero?

DAN

Exactly. I think we’re really blurring the lines here into a grey area of, of thinking about character.

GUEST

Awesome, ‘cause everyone loves the color grey so much. Grey really pops.

DAN

I love you.

GUEST

Oh shut the fuck up, are you high?

DAN

What??

GUEST

No seriously, are you on something? Right now?

DAN

…no.

GUEST

You hesitated.

DAN

Only a beat. And it was because your accusation is totally ridiculous-

GUEST

Why?

DAN

Because I’M NOT.

GUEST

The lady doth protest too much I think.

DAN

The lady doth protest as much as it takes when she’s TELLING the TRUTH.

GUEST

Your mood.

DAN

What about / it?

GUEST

Just like you flipped a switch. And people don’t have swings like that all willy-nilly, apropos of nothing.

DAN

What about bipolars?

GUEST

We’re not TALKING about people who spend half their year living in the ARCTIC CIRCLE.

Now something kicked you in the ass mood-wise, and if you think I’m just going to let you get away / with it again-

DAN

Get away with what? / With what again?

GUEST

With turning this into another hospital-hostility situation, it’s NOT gonna happen. NO LIES-

DAN

But I didn’t, I… there was nothing-

GUEST

BullSHIT, Dan. Now what is it? You don’t seem drunk.

DAN

I’m not.

GUEST

(finding the bottle they brought onstage)

And neither was I for that matter. That was merely a clever acting ruse for yours and the audience’s amusement.

DAN

Don’t you mean a-RUSE-ment?

Dan smiles gleefully. Guest starts to crack, and it takes all of their willpower to keep them from smiling too.

GUEST

You will not – break me – with bad puns.

DAN

But they’re your weakness.

GUEST

No, they’re YOURS.

DAN

Touche.

GUEST

(pause)

The fact you just said “touche” like that, with that little smirk on your face, totally un-ironical, means you’re DEFINITELY on something. You are UP.

DAN

Better than down.

GUEST

Stop turning everything around, that’s just easy! Stop quipping!

DAN

(channeling Devo)

When a problem comes alone, you must quip it!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

Quip it good!

GUEST

I will fucking hit you.

Plus I think they already made that joke in one of the Austin Powers movies, so kudos for the retread.

DAN

Well, it’s a popular song.

GUEST

You can’t stop.

DAN

I can, I’m just choosing not to. The shoe’s on the other foot now and if you can’t take the heat maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to vacation on the sun.

GUEST

You’re insufferable. You INVITED me here-

DAN

Oh sorry, am I not being a good host? Let me get your coat…

Dan moves to remove Guest’s non-existent jacket. It almost gets physical as Guest shakes him off.

They stare at each other for a beat, Dan grinning, Guest more nervous and worried than anything.

To be continued...

#DUMPLINGS #meta bullshit #at war with yourself

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