#maybe this is just how my own bisexuality is! idk im a nonbinary guy who's general outlook on life can be summed up as fuck it we ball

[keymintt]

bisexual, but not rly in an "i'm attracted to xyz" way so much as a "whatever the fuck happens, happens" way

#something something abt how sexuality and gender and queerness is 'defined' vs how it's experienced #maybe this is just how my own bisexuality is! idk im a nonbinary guy who's general outlook on life can be summed up as fuck it we ball #i ofc have my preferences and tendencies and attractions but those are broad at best nor am i like. super beholden to them #for instance i'd prefer to date someone who's not cis but if i hypothetically am into a cis person who's chill with my whole Situation- #-then it's like shit. alright! #and obviously anything that's a dealbreaker in a friendship to begin with is also going to be a dealbreaker in a relationship as well #also please don't be weird on this post! this is about my own sexuality and if you relate to it that's epic #but if you don't or otherwise feel the need to 'correct' me on smthin then pls just move on #no i won't shut up #< talking tag #also also its fine to rb this if you want idc

[anaryllis]

thank you ange!! okay so I'm recently coming to terms with being an nb trans guy despite id-ing as an nb lesbian previously. i've known for a while, but i'm just now telling people who are important to me for the first time and pursuing transition. my gf has been super supportive. i love her deeply. i KNOW i'm into women and many nb people, but lately i've been questioning if i like men or not. i know that since becoming more comfortable with my transmasc identity i've been fantasizing (1/4)

about situations with men, specifically other transmascs, and sometimes fictional / celeb men somewhat incessantly. like it's my go to fantasy right now. but i'm not sure i've ever been like attracted to a real guy irl. in fact i'm actively repulsed by many men. i guess all the transmascs in my life (my bro, my best friend) have only ever been in same gender relationships since coming out and i don't know if i'm genuinely into men or if like being mlm is just how i understand trans (2/4)

identity bc of the people in my life. like on one hand i really want for a guy to be attracted to me as a guy and care for me, that sounds so pleasant and gender affirming. the thought makes me happy. but it's also v possible that bc i identified as a lesbian before this i'm just sort of biased against heterosexuals and i'm not mentally prepared for the transhet label. like maybe being a straight guy in a ""queer"" relationship is too confusing to me. idk. me and my gf are openly polyam (3/4)

so i don't know if this desire to pursue men is like genuine potentially bisexual attraction or just some last ditch effort for gender affirmation or to escape straightness. i know on one hand it's not really that important but it's just so hard to categorize these thoughts and feelings and i was curious if you (or maybe any followers) had any thoughts about that. thank you so much. really (4/4)

hi yeah!!! first of all congrats on the new Gender, i hope its giving you all the joy & peace u deserve! & im especially glad u have ur gf to support u thru all of this. from my experience at least the switch from lesbian to well, not that, felt particularly difficult & having the positive ppl in my life rly made a big difference

this ended up rly long so under a cut it goes

like u said before u can rly only answer these questions for urself BUT i can tell u what happened for me & what i rly asked myself! my attraction to women has like, pretty much never been in question. i realized i liked girls age 12 and since then the fluctuations have been based on whether men were involved also lol. during my strongest time identifying as a lesbian, i definitely still had some attraction to men - but it was typically in the context of unattainable men & fictional characters, which sounded like comphet to me so i just didnt worry about it. most men disgusted me & i didnt rly have any close male friends. the closest man in my life was a recent ex that i had difficult feelings surrounding so i preferred to just, ignore it lol. i felt especially disgusted by the idea of being with a man while i identified rly strongly as a woman - both b/c of a revulsion to str8ness lol and also just like. discomfort w the way men see women u know? not to mention i was nonbinary even as a woman, and i had faith that women i dated would see that - i didnt have that faith in potential men i’d date

the real Crisis thing for me was actually developing a crush on my then guy best friend / now boyfriend lol! i didnt understand how i could be feeling so strongly about him when i was supposedly a “lesbian”. i’d already been questioning my gender for a time and that just added more confusion for me & i did a lot of rly long & hard thinking about it, reflected on my own interests (previous partners/crushes, unattainable crushes, etc.), how my own gender played into it, etc. the conclusion i came to was: 1. my attraction to men (irl, attainable ones) is rly dependent on trust. the fact of the matter is ive just never been in that many close, trusting relationships with men so crushes rarely developed. but when they did it rly v obvious it was genuine so i believed it was true, and 2. i do think my gender has a lot to do with it! i feel a lot of the same gender euphoria ur talking about when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. idk if id call myself transmasc truly but that element of my identity is rly tied to my attraction to men. aand 2b. i think a lot of my stress surrounding relationships with men in the past (like i talked about with dating them as a woman) has been about dysphoria. i didnt feel like it was possible to be with a man before that wouldnt be dysphoria-inducing - but instead it gives me gender euphoria!! which rules!! 3. oh and also like. when it comes to unattainable men im into cis & trans men, but of ppl ive known/been into personally its p much always been trans guys. i felt a lot of guilt around that before, but i do think that just has to do with t4t feelings & that feeling of trust! so unpacking that as being ok also made a difference for me

i do get ur concern about avoiding straightness - i havent had that specific concern, but i do think i was rly moralistic about my attraction to men. like, i felt like being bi didnt fit with my feminist politics, you know? and im definitely bi, so that was bad for me. so i do wanna say: if youre not into men, thats okay!! being a trans guy who loves women is wonderful in its own way, and i dont want u to have to feel shame about that. that said, in my experience i think having Gayness at the core of your attraction makes perfect sense. if exploring your gender as a guy feels linked to being attracted to guys, ive felt the same and you wouldnt be alone in that!

do whatever feels good to you & explore however. but imo my advice is basically: if/when you pursue men romantically, i feel like you’ll Know if its genuine or not. if you’re wanting to be particularly cautious, i’d say like leave the dating field open for guys even if ur not Actively pursuing them, and if the right one comes along that you feel that attraction for him, then i think thatd be wonderful!

sry for the. incredibly long answer but TL;DR: only you’ll know for sure, but it sounds to me like a potential attraction to men is worth exploring for you! so be gentle & patient w urself but whatevr conclusion u come to will be good. and ALSO u can always change ur mind!!!! theres not a max amount of identities u can have, u can change and rethink whenever. best of luck to u!!!!

#Anonymous

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

im gonna ask you a question. so, right now i identify as female (cis). and i'm not sure about it. how did you realize you were nonbinary? i tried out they/them pronouns once and i didn't like it. but like. sometimes i don't feel right with my name and my pronouns and my body. but that just might be depression or me zoning the heck out haha. i'm young, i have time. but i just want help? ? ? haha thank you and i really love your blog

Aw, no worries, nonny.  

So I’m going to preface this by saying that everyone’s experience is unique, I’m not a professional anything, take anything I say with a grain of salt and do your own research and come to your own decisions.  I will also mention that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the major symptoms of BPD is a lack of identity, sort of the… throwing yourself into things and other people and other people’s styles and making that who you are over and over and never quite feeling like you have an identity that means “you”.  I mention this because that’s one of the things that currently has the biggest impact on me of all my BPD issues, and that has colored my entire gender journey, which in turn colors my advice and thoughts about it.

So as far as me realizing I was NB, it was a looooong process.  I felt kind of dysphoric and maybe not-female for literal years, then I came out as trans because I figured “this probably means I’m a trans guy” and it felt MUCH better but still not quite right.  After a couple years I went “yeah, not quite a guy either. …I guess that means I’m neither?” and that’s pretty much how that happened.

All that said, I’ll mention the following things: 

1) the more I recognized and processed the internalized misogyny I have, the less dysphoric being read as female has become.  It’s kind of plateaued and I think I’ve mostly just hit “i’m nb but more comfortable on the feminine side of things than I used to be” but hey, who knows, right?  I mention this one first both to get it out of the way and because of stuff you mentioned in your ask.  It’s not unheard of at ALL for cis women to feel very dysphoric about their bodies and uncomfortable with their womanhood.  It’s not universal, though, it’s just a possible option.  Our society hates women and teaches women to hate themselves, but whether you’re just a woman dealing with the fallout of living in a deeply misogynistic society or a trans person is something only you can decide.

2) I have known more than one cis female lesbians who identified as nb and don’t anymore, or identified as a trans guy and now identify as nb or cis.  There is a lot of bullshit that most of us are trained into unknowingly about hating women and hating ourselves, and when we find ourselves loving women, it just compounds like… EVERYTHING.  So if you’re a lesbian or bi, this could be something to keep in mind.

3) my most dysphoric moments were also tied to what I would consider my most disassociated moments.  When i’m struggling so hard to even feel a connection to my body, things that make me actively NOT identify with my own body are like that much worse.  It could also be the other way around, but either way, they can feed into each other.  Mental illness can be a huge influence on your identity.  That doesn’t mean your identity is wrong just because you’re mentally ill - i firmly believe that part of the reason I identify with nonbinary so hard is because it’s sort of an “in-between, unspecific, not really anything” sort of identity to me, and that’s how I feel about my identity at large most of the time.  That said, identifying as NB has been a source of relief and joy, so even if it IS stemming from my BPD I don’t give a shit because it makes my life better.

4) It’s okay to change.  If you’re cis now, and you identify as NB or a trans guy later, that’s okay.  If even later, your identity shifts again, that’s ok too.  Some people find who they are young and never really stop feeling that.  Some people are really fluid and have a complex and ever-evolving relationship with their identity.  Neither one is wrong. Your labels are for YOU.  To make YOU feel like you have a handle on yourself.  As your understanding of yourself changes, your labels might change too.  That’s ok.  Anyone who tells you it’s not is not worth your time.

5) You are valid.  I know that’s basically a meme at this point and it’s a funny one, but the thing is that you are.  You are you.  You’re allowed to be you, and feel your feelings.  The important part of any of that is how you REACT and ACT ON those things. 

6) You’re allowed to tell people no when they ask questions.  You’re allowed to say “that’s personal” or “I don’t feel comfortable answering that” or “sorry, you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock that part of my backstory” or whatever.  You do not have to feel obligated to explain yourself and your identity and how you came to that identity and how it affects your sexuality etc etc ad nauseum to everyone who asks. It’s okay not to answer questions about things that people technically have no right to.  It’s also ok to answer them if you’re down for it, but you’re not being rude by saying “no, that’s too personal, I’m not comfortable with that”.  If they push it, THEY’RE the ones being rude.

7) The last and possibly most divergent from the original topic thing I’m going to say is possibly the most controversial?  And it’s more about attraction than gender, but in my experience, dealing with one inevitibly means dealing with the other at the very least inasmuch as where they intersect, but that experience is why I’m including this. Unless nothing else has worked for you, I would stay away, at least initially, from the split attraction model.  That’s the x-sexual/x-romantic split, and identifying them separately.  I am not saying they’re bad or that they can’t be useful or helpful, but the thing is that they are mostly of use to the ace community, and only to a limited extent.  Diving into them when you don’t need to can just over-complicate things; as much as labels are for YOU, it also doesn’t help to be overly specific.  If you can be sexually attracted to both guys and girls but you’re only interested in being in relationships with girls?  Sure, you could say you’re bisexual homoromantic (as a girl that is) but unless that is something that is NECESSARY FOR YOU, you could also just say you’re bi with a preference, or say you’re a lesbian because yes i think bi women who are still attracted to guys physically but have no intention of or desire to be with men can call themselves lesbians if that’s more comfortable for them.  I say this mostly because I and more than a few people I know have done the split attraction model because it’s what is being done or w/e and it messed with them being able to actually deal with issues they were having and correctly identifying their sexualities and etc etc etc.  It’s not intrinsically bad or harmful or wrong, but it’s also not intrinsically good, and it’s not useful for anyone.  Unless you think it’s absolutely the only way to find your identity, I would largely steer clear of it for yourself.  I put this last because it’s the least related to your actual question.

…I can’t think of anything else rn.  Use the identifiers and terms that you’re comfortable with but don’t feel bad or ashamed of changing them if you realize they don’t apply anymore.  Don’t feel like you have to identify things super-specifically just because it’s common practice.  Uh…. idk, i’m a wee bit tipsy but hopefully some of this was even a little bit helpful?  GOOD LUCK MY SMOL ONE, EVEN IF I CAN’T HELP I’M HERE TO LISTEN IF YOU NEED AN EAR OR A SHOULDER!

#Anonymous #audience with the gods