bon's secret dream
a fic inspired by a post of the same name happy kos anniversary @crabbng !! wc: 5675
summary/preview:
“So… how long has this been here?”
“The farm? It’s… always been here?”
Hana makes a little inquisitive sound. “I guess I’ve never come this way before. I wasn’t expecting a farm out here at all, nevermind- uh- you.”
Bonic frowns. What the fuck does that mean.“What the fuck does that mean?” he asks.
"Fucking chickens," Bonic mumbles, paces away from his most devious chicken - a brown girl named Cow. The other chickens are so well behaved, never causing any trouble, while Cow always manages to find her way out of the pen and to the strawberries Bonic's been growing in front of the farmhouse. He knows chickens like fruits, but he didn't know how crazy Cow would go for some strawberries. His day had started so well, too; he'd woken up, tended to the sheep, fed the goats, checked on Bonnie. And then he'd caught a blob of brown flashing across the field, towards his house.
Sometimes he wonders why he'd had the idea to raise chickens.
Bonic trails behind Cow, keeping his steps quiet, avoiding any twig that could give him away: if she notices him, she'll bolt, and Bonic is not in the mood to run after a chicken. Crouching in Cow's blind-spot, he watches her inspect a patch of strawberries, cocking her head to the side.
Cow takes a tentative step forward.
Bonic grabs her.
She flaps her wings, startled, and then quickly calms, accepting her fate.
“Got you,” Bonic says, petting Cow’s head. “Little shit,” he says affectionately. Cow looks up at him and blinks. “I know, I know, but these are my strawberries – you can’t keep stealing them.” Cow blinks again and turns away. “I- You can have one strawberry, how’s that?”
He dips down to pluck a single, ripe strawberry for his mean, manipulative chicken.
The coop is a little ways from the house, down a short cobblestone path. Bonic lets Cow down in the area he fenced off, and gives her the strawberry. He watches, for a moment, as she happily pecks at it, defending it from the other chickens who waddle over to see what the fuss is about.
“Menace,” Bonic remarks.
When he turns, it’s only because of his past teachings that he doesn’t visibly startle at the sight he sees. There’s- There’s a man. On his farm. A short man with red hair and-
Bon squints.
And his cat. Sort of.
She’s struggling out of his hold.
There are many things that go through his mind, namely that this man just happens to be very attractive, and it’s oddly endearing seeing him try to wrangle this small cat in his big hands, but also there is a man on his farm, so, naturally, Bonic asks, “what the fuck are you doing on my farm? And why?"
With a short yelp, the man jumps and searches for Bonic. When his eyes settle on Bonic, he relaxes and puts on a small, sheepish smile. His teeth are… sharp.
“Hi! I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a farm here. My name is Hana, I – this stray comes to my house for food and she’s very precious to my daughter, and she got injured? The cat, I mean, and I tried to help but she ran off so I followed her and uhm… Well, I got her!”
Bonic sighs, and steps closer to the idiot –Hana – who followed a fucking stray cat to his farm.
“Hello, Hazzy,” Bonic says to the cat. She meows at him pathetically.
“Is she yours?” Hana asks.
“She’s her own cat,” Bonic says. “But yeah, she lives here. Sleeps with the sheep. On the sheep.”
He gestures for Hana to hand the cat over, which he does, so that he can inspect her- and maybe save the guy from getting scratched up. “Where’s she injured?”
“Right front leg,” Hana says. Bonic notices him looking around the farm. “So… how long has this been here?”
Bonic examines the leg, pressing gently down the length of it. He finds some swelling above her paw and she meows at him as a warning. “The farm?” Bonic asks idly, checking her other legs.. “It’s… always been here?”
Hana makes a little inquisitive sound. “I guess I’ve never come this way before. I wasn’t expecting a farm out here at all, nevermind- uh- you.”
Bonic frowns. What the fuck does that mean?
“What the fuck does that mean?” he asks.
Hana’s eyes go wide and he fumbles his words. “I-I mean, you’re- it’s- it’s the middle of nowhere, and you’re” - he clears his throat, shaking his head - “Can we start over?” He extends a hand. “My name is Hana. May I have the pleasure of knowing yours?”
Scratching Hazzy’s ear, Bonic looks Hana over, not even trying to hide how he judges him. Hana stands, hand still outstretched, mouth twisted anxiously. Against his better judgement, Bonic tells Hana his name. He doesn’t shake his hand. His hands are full of defiant cat, anyway.
Hana drops his hand, rubs the back of his neck. Shaven hair, Bonic thinks. The red is natural, a rarity. Sharp teeth, red eyes…
“So, uh, the cat?” Hana asks.
“Right,” Bon says. “The cat.”
Hana reaches a hand forward, lets said cat sniff him before he pets her head. “Sprained leg,” Bon says, watching Hazzy lean into Hana’s touch. She craves affection, a bit like Bonic in that aspect. Suddenly, all he can think of is that he hasn’t been hugged by anyone other than Tera in years.
“How long will it take to heal?” Hana asks. “A week?”
“Or two. Maybe three. I’ll keep her here, indoors, but she finds a way and it takes longer when they move about so much."
Hana hums, scratching under Hazzy’s chin. Bonic just watches for a minute before Hana says, “Would- I mean- my daughter is… attached. And I don’t want to impose but would it be alright if we - uh - visited? Until she’s healed?”
“I- " He doesn’t get visitors. He gets Yahuul for short bursts of time every few weeks, and Tera - and Aoife by association - who’s too busy to come around more often than every couple of months - understandable since Bonic lives in the middle of nowhere which makes it even more mind-boggling that this guy and his daughter live in walking distance. He wouldn’t mind the company, even short-lived as it would be, as reluctant as he is to admit that.
Bonic finds himself nodding.
Hana’s eyes light up, red shining orange in the sun. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” he croaks.
“Thank you! I’ll - I’ll bring something! I should be off, uhm, have a good rest of your day.”
“You too.”
Hana leaves, turning to wave goodbye one last time, and Bonic is left standing at the gate with an injured cat in his arms, speechless. He just agreed to this stranger and his daughter visiting his cat. What is wrong with him?
He looks to Hazzy for guidance. She stares at him.
He scowls.
-
Hana never actually said when he would come around, and the next day when he doesn’t show, Bonic figures that he hadn’t been serious about visiting, or maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he saw reason and decided visiting a loner living on a farm in the middle of nowhere was a bad idea, and that he should steer clear. He accepts this fact around mid-afternoon. And yet, Hana is all he can fucking think about despite only having chatted with him once for about ten minutes. It’s so stupid. He can’t get him out of his head; his ruby red eyes, his beaming, sharp-toothed grin, his big hands petting that dumb cat so gently, so full of care.
Bonic curses himself.
He’s just… lonely, his logic reasons, he’s craving attention - it’s natural to cling onto the first new person he’s seen in… however long.
That night, as he’s getting into bed, Hazzy curls up with him, a rare thing for her to do, and sleeps on his pillow. He grumbles, petting her, and tries to sleep.
The next morning he’s woken by claws batting his nose.
“Fuck off,” Bonic mumbles. “I’ll feed you later.”
He turns over, away from the nuisance in his bed, but said nuisance meows at him urgently. He mocks her tone, sitting up and squinting at her. She sits patiently on his lap.
“Fine.”
He carries her to her food bowl.
He’s checking on the chickens when he hears his name being called. Or… a version of it.
He turns, a grimace already on his face, and sees Hana and, presumably, his daughter. He’s holding a tupperware of something - no doubt the ‘something’ Hana said he would bring.
“Hello again,” Hana greets with a smile when Bonic approaches them. “I brought stew. Made it myself.”
Bonic takes the proffered stew, feeling a loss for words. It’s been a long time since someone has cooked for him. Tera brings meals around sometimes, but this isn’t the same somehow. He shakes his head, brain stalling, and asks, “What did you call me?”
Hana’s smile falters. “Uh- s-sorry, I called you ‘Bon’-”
“Bonbon!” Hana’s daughter interrupts.
“Is that- is that okay?”
“It’s- fine. Hazzy is inside.”
“Hazzy?” his daughter asks.
“The cat,” Bonic says, leading them to the house.
“Oh, you mean Kitty.”
Hand on the doorknob, Bon pauses and looks down at the kid. “I guess?”
As soon as the door opens, Hazzy jumps off the sofa and meows loudly at them. She crowds Hana’s daughter immediately, purring loudly as she pets her.
“Baby calls her Kitty,” Hana explains as if Bon hadn’t gathered that, but also-
“Baby? ‘S a bit… on the nose,” Bon says, heading to the kitchen to put the stew in the fridge.
Hana laughs, sitting with Baby by the coffee table. “You question ‘Baby’, but not ‘Kitty.”
Bon leans against the kitchen doorway, squinting. “The cat was named by a five year old-"
"I'm four."
"- a four year old. Baby was named by a grown man."
He’s heard worse names for someone, and truthfully he doesn’t think ‘Baby’ is the weirdest.
"How do you know Baby didn't name herself?" Hana says, turning to pet Hazzy/Kitty. "And anyway, what kind of name is 'Hazzy'?"
"Short for Hazard."
Hana laughs, caught off-guard. It’s a nice laugh, a soft shy thing, and Bon preens a bit.
"What's a has-hazard?" Baby asks.
“Something that could cause harm,” Hana says, still smiling.
Baby’s brows furrow. Her expressions are so clear they may as well have them written on her forehead. “But Kitty is a sweet girl!” she tells Bon. She says ‘sweet girl’ like it’s one word, ‘sweetgirl’, as if they don’t hear the words separately often. “She’s not a hazard.”
“She is,” he says, perching on the sofa by them. “She’s mean to my chickens. Scares them.”
“Does she try to eat them?”
“No, she’s- picky. Eats the stuff with jelly. She’s just mean. Seems to have a soft spot for you though.” Baby is fucking holding her and Hazzy doesn't even seem to care. "She doesn't bite you?"
She shakes her head. "Nope! Kitty loves me. Not a hazard at all."
“Huh.”
Seeing something in the corner of his eye, he glances to the window. “Oh, for-”
Fucking chickens.
He swings the front door open, accidentally scaring Cow off. Bon lets out a very deep, very emotive groan.
“Everything okay?” Hana asks, coming up behind him.
“My fucking chicken escaped again.”
“Do you want me to get her? My hometown had a lot of them, always ran into my garden."
“And leave me with your child?” Bon grimaces.
“You say that as if you’re scared of children.”
Bon laughs. “Children are scared of me.” He actually had quite the soft spot for them when he was still a part of larger society.
“Why? You’re not scary at all?”
Bon gestures to his face. He’s scarred all over, but it’s the face that gets most people.
Hana frowns. “Well, I think you look nice. Look, Baby isn’t scared of you. It’ll take two seconds. I trust you.”
Bon makes a disapproving sound, but lets him go. “Be careful, she’s a b- menace.”
He rounds back to Baby, crouching next to her awkwardly.
“Sooo… Your dad,” Bonic says, watching Hazzy curl up in Baby’s lap. “He’s… nice.”
Baby nods. “He is! And so are you- he told me.”
Bon cocks his head. “He told you- what, exactly?”
“Hana said you were nice and tall and pretty.”
Bon has a feeling Baby hasn’t quite grasped keeping things secret. But damn… pretty? No one's called him pretty since he got all burned up.
“I see,” he says, feeling his face flush. “I see. Okay. Uh- are you… in school?” he asks in a desperate, poor attempt to direct her attention away from that bombshell.
“No.”
She carries on petting the cat, oblivious to all. Bon's mind swarms. He doesn’t have much of an opinion on his appearance - his body is a tool, a vessel - but he knows he isn’t nice to look at, he's… well.
“Hana’s right,” Baby says suddenly.
“About what?”
“You’re very tall! Stand,” she instructs. As Bon stands, Baby does too. She just comes up to his hip. She looks up at him, her lips pursed. “Yes. Tall. More tall than I’ve seen.”
Bon laughs, feeling the urge to pat her head. “You live with a four foot tall man in the middle of nowhere - that’s not much of an accomplishment.”
Baby shrugs and sits back down. Bon slinks down next to her, propping his arm on the couch.
Hana comes back just as Hazzy falls asleep in Baby’s lap.
“Well,” he says. “She’s back home.”
“It go okay?”
“Yeah, I got a little scratch, but it’s nothing.”
“A scratch?” Baby asks.
“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Hana assures.
Getting the feeling it’s not nothing, Bon approaches Hana and takes his arm, gently but with a firmness Hana can’t escape. He probably could escape it, Bon thinks, feeling the muscles of Hana’s forearm, but he doesn’t.
“That’s - uh. Not nothing,” Bon points out. “I mean. I should clean this. And you might want a bandage.”
Hana shakes his head with an assuring smile. “It’s fine!”
“I am no longer suggesting.” He drags Hana by the arm to the kitchen. “Clean it under the sink.”
While Hana cleans the blood from his arm, Bon grabs the first aid kit from the cupboard under his kitchen sink.
"Is Hana okay?" Baby asks, creeping into the doorway. For a moment Bon questions how she got up without disturbing the cat, wondering when she woke, but then he sees said cat over her shoulder, sleeping. How the fuck?
"I'm fine, Baby," Hana assures.
"I've been meaning to ask actually - does your dad have a history of lying?" Bon asks Baby. Hana pouts at him, but Baby nods, and then he pouts at her instead. “Who knows where that chicken’s nasty feet have been,” he says, taking out a roll of bandages - a bandaid wouldn’t cut it - and a sterile wipe.
He gestures for Hana to hop up on the counter and give him his arm. Hana has this look on his face as if he’s worried he’s burdening Bonic, as if he’s not literally fucking bleeding. “I should have expected this,” Bon says, cleaning the wound. “She’s a little shit.” He can feel Hana’s gaze on his head, can feel a slight puff of breath ruffle his hair. Hana's skin is warm under his own.
“No, it’s fine - don’t worry about it, Bon. She’s a feisty one.”
Bon huffs. “Yeah.”
He wraps a bandage around Hana’s arm - it might be a bit overkill for the wound it is, but at least Hana won’t bleed all over everything.
“Thank you,” Hana says softly.
Bon raises his head to catch Hana’s eye, and quickly looks away because the look on his face is so unreasonably sincere and… almost fond? And he has no right to be when this is the second time they’ve met.
“No problem,” Bon rasps.
He lingers for a moment, by accident, still holding Hana’s arm in his scarred hands.
“Are you okay now?" Baby asks suddenly, making Bon drop Hana’s arm and clears his throat. She no longer has Hazzy, suggesting she woke up at some point and left.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Hana says. He hops off the counter and picks her up with a playful roar. She giggles brightly. "See?" he says, propping her on his hip. "Good enough to pick you up."
Bon smiles at them as they head back into the living room before he starts tidying up. When he gets back into the living room, Baby crowds him.
“We’re going home,” she says bluntly.
He blinks. “Right.” He looks to Hana who’s trying to get Baby’s attention. “I’ll- uh- show you out.”
Baby takes Hana’s hand and they walk out.
Hana’s helping Baby into the car when he stops, fixating on something towards where the sheep live. “Not to alarm you,” Hana says, “but you have another trespasser.”
Bon looks over. Ah.
“That’s uh- Yahuul. They visit sometimes.”
“And… and lift the sheep?”
“Yeah,” Bon sighs. Baby’s trying to climb on the car seat to look over the roof at Yahuul, so Hana just lifts her onto his shoulders. It makes her about as tall as Bon. “That’s how I first met them. I heard some rustling or whatever and went to check it out and… they were… y’know lifting my sheep. I don’t know why. Maybe they like… lift weights? But my sheep are the weights? Fuck knows. Anyway, I don’t care because they help out.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, they uh- they’re like my very own big and scary sheepdog. Except, y’know, they live out in the woods and I have to force them into sleeping on my couch when it gets cold.” He shrugs. Yahuul is weird, but that’s Yahuul. “You wanna meet them?”
Hana turns to Baby who is nodding emphatically.
“Sure.”
They head over to the sheep and upon seeing them, Yahuul meets them halfway. Despite the chilly weather, they aren't wearing much coverage - Bon wonders if they ever get truly cold. Maybe they developed thicker skin after living in the woods for who knows how long.
“Yahuul, Hana and Baby. Hana and Baby, Yahuul," Bon introduces.
Yahuul waves.
“Right. They’re mute. Or deaf.” He turns to Yahuul. “You never clarified.”
Yahuul shrugs, smiling.
Okay, then.
“You know sign?” Bon asks Hana.
“Yeah, I had… a- uh… a lot of spare time when I was younger.”
Yahuul signs, ‘You have sharp teeth.’
Hana laughs softly. “Thanks.”
“What did they say?” Baby asks, tugging Hana's hand. Yahuul crouches, looking to Bon.
They sign word by word as Bon translates each one.
Baby laughs. “So do I!” she says proudly showing off her chompers.
Yahuul’s ever present smile changes just the slightest bit, upturning a little more at the corners. Then, they stand, wave and leave without another word.
“Strange person,” Hana says.
Bon shrugs. “You have red hair and shark teeth.”
“Good point.”
-
To say Hana inserts himself into Bon’s life, while not entirely accurate, is partly true; he does do this, but also Bonic allows him. He allows Hana to come over every few days - the times in between getting shorter and shorter each week - and he allows Hana into this space, this safe haven he’s made for himself. Hazzy's leg has long been healed up, and there's no longer a reason for them to visit. But as Bon watches Hana drop down on the couch, throwing his legs over Bon’s, Bon realises this has always been so much more than wanting to see a fucking cat, at least for Hana - Baby was definitely in it for the cat. But today Hana is alone - it's Baby's first day of school.
“It’s weird with her not in the house,” Hana tells him.
“It’s been an hour, hasn’t it?” Bon points out, deciding in his head what to do with his hands. Hana is so free with his affection, it seems so easy for him to ruffle Baby’s hair, to lead Bon somewhere with a hand on his elbow or at his lower back.
Hana pouts. “Yeah…”
“And doesn’t her school day last for like… four hours?”
“Five,” Hana says as if it makes all the difference. “But yeah, basically.”
Bon can’t help his grin or the fond feeling that creeps up his chest. He shakes his head, laughing at Hana. Hana smiles right back at him, a laugh tinting his question of, “What? I- You’re not allowed to make fun of me!”
“‘M not making fun,” Bon says. “I get it- she’s- she’s your baby.”
“She is.” Hana agrees, leaning closer to rest a hand on Bon’s bare thigh. He knows Hana’s saying something else, something he should definitely be listening to, but it’s hard to concentrate on the words when, suddenly, all he can think of is every place they’re touching, the warmth of skin against skin. He can’t entirely feel it due to the thick scar tissue across his body, can’t feel it like he knows Hana can, but the weight, the pressure - it’s nice. Cozy. “Uh- sorry,” Hana laughs nervously. “I’m rambling, I just- I appreciate your company. It’s a bit lonely sometimes.”
“Yeah- yeah, I haven’t… seen another person apart from Yahuul, Tera and Aoife since… maybe since I moved here.”
Hana goes wide eyed. “When did you move here?”
Bon sucks in a breath, thinking. “Uh… five-? Five years ago?” He shrugs. It’s probably longer, he doesn’t have the best concept of time here. It was a blur, moving out here, a hasty but planned escape from a bad situation; he doesn’t like to think about it- it’s in the past. “Why did you move out here? Not exactly the most fun place for a kid.”
Hana smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “People didn’t like me. Or Baby when she came along.”
Bon makes a questioning tone.
“They were… scared of me, I think. I never really caught the 'why' of it, but I suppose… well, you know,” he says, gesturing to himself. Bon takes a good long moment to really look at him, but all he gets from it is, oh, oh he is really handsome. Freckles, a soft jaw, a nice nose, handsome scruff… a cute blush colouring his cheeks.
Bon shakes his head. "I don't know."
Hana makes this face as if it’s inconceivable that Bon doesn’t understand. “My teeth?” he says. “My hair? My-” he chuckles bitterly. “I never left my house, I had to teach myself how to read and speak the language - I- They all thought I was a freak. And then Baby came along and she was just like me and… I couldn’t let her grow up there. They called her names while she was still barely six months old, thought she was… cursed, or something.” He shrugs, rubbing his stubble. “I figured we’d be better off elsewhere. Without people. I think I might have made it worse, though, I mean- I was so scared of her getting hurt that I isolated her.”
“‘S that why you put her in school?”
“Mm. And I can’t homeschool her- it wasn’t a fun experience for me. I still pronounce some words wrong.”
“I noticed,” Bon says. “That’s really shitty - what happened to you two. You didn't deserve that."
Hana smiles. "I know. You are the first person to tell me that. I just hope Baby doesn't remember it. One time… when she was two, we went to the market and she…" Hana shakes his head. "She's just a fucking kid. She didn't deserve any of it."
Bon rubs Hana’s ankle with his thumb, squeezes it reassuringly.
-
Those years ago, when Bonic was planning to move out here, he knew the cons to isolation outweighed the pros, but he’d gone through with it anyway because at that time it was his best option- he still believes it is. And now that Hana is around almost daily, Bon is realising just how detrimental cutting himself off from society was; mentally, he’s a lot happier, lighter with Hana around. He had, and still has, Yahuul and Teraat and he enjoys their company when he gets it, but Hana is… he brings something else to Bon’s life. At first Bon was reluctant to admit it, but what he feels for Hana may not be strictly platonic.
It's not as if he's in love with Hana, but there's definitely… something akin to it. Maybe he's just in denial, though.
It's just that when he sees Hana playing with Hazzy, he gets this wave of fondness roll over him. And when he laughs at a joke, Bon wants to do anything he can to make him laugh again. And he can't stop thinking about Baby saying that Hana said he was pretty. He'll be watching Hana pet Bonnie, or Cow, or he'll be lying amongst the sheep, playing with Baby and Bon will wonder how this man, this gorgeous, embodiment of the sun thinks Bon is pretty. Bonic's just… Bonic.
And- fuck, the nickname Hana's given him, the name that Bonic has adopted for himself, Bon. How fucking cutesy is that? Fucking Bon… Is that really how Hana sees him?
But things are good, lately. Hana and Baby are good company and it’s hard to believe that they’d only just met just a few months ago. They visit regularly. By the time Hana and Baby come over, Bon's finished all the important chores, but ever since he'd moved out here Bon has taken up baking, so sometimes he'll leave the eggs for Baby to collect and he'll help her crack them while they make whatever baked good they decide on that day. And Hana always insists on helping Bon harvest herbs or fruits and veggies; Bon always gives him a cut to take home.
Things are so good that it catches him off-guard when he wakes up one morning with a scream in his throat.
He sits up abruptly and clutches his arms, his face. He's fine, he tells his racing heart. That was a long time ago now, he's all healed up. Mostly. Bon thought he was done with this, with the nightmares, but clearly not.
He lies back down, curls up into himself, and breathes deeply. His memories of it all are always so prominent in his mind, always creeping in the background, when he has these dreams, and Bon knows already his day is ruined - that's how it always is. He knows that all day he will be thinking about the smell of burnt flesh and hair, the months spent in hospital, and the slowly diminishing number of people visiting him. One day they all stopped altogether, all except for Teraat. The pain, he knows it was excruciating, the worst he's ever felt, but he doesn't remember it as much as the despair, the depression, the isolation. It's at the forefront of his mind now, and he knows he has responsibilities to attend to, animals to feed, crops to check, but the thought of it all is so overwhelming. So he stays in bed.
At some point, he does manage to get up, manages to convince himself to at least have a shit day on the couch rather than waste away in his bed. Yahuul drops by at around nine, not caring to knock before barging in with crossed arms and a face that could be concern, could be a grimace.
‘You haven’t fed the chickens,’ they sign.
“Haven’t done anything,” Bon mumbles.
Yahuul puts their hands on their hips and huffs a breath. ‘I’ll do it,’ they sign. Bon hums in thanks, and turns over to face the couch. Maybe he’ll sleep. He hears a knock on the wall, and he turns his head. Yahuul’s standing by the front door with a subtly pinched expression.
‘Feel better,’ they sign, and promptly leave.
Just the words make something shift in him, and he does feel a bit better.
He sleeps, and wakes again after an undetermined amount of time to Hana at his door. He, unlike Yahuul, does knock before entering. Bon doesn’t bother to straighten himself up, knowing that Hana won’t mind.
“Hey,” Hana greets, his voice soft and his expression concerned. He's got Hazzy with him, bundled in one arm. “I saw Yahuul- they said you were having a bad day?”
Bon groans, rubbing his eyes. “Can’t a man have a shit day in peace?”
Hana frowns. “Unfortunately no, because you can’t do this all day.”
“I can, and I have.”
Hana approaches the couch with a huff and lifts Bon’s outstretched legs to sit under them, letting Hazzy jump from his arms and right onto Bon's belly.
"Oof," he wheezes, petting the cat.
Hana rubs his big hand over Bon’s leg, thumbing under his knee, as if the huge scar isn't there.
“Do you want to talk about it?"
“No."
“Do you want me to talk?”
“I want…” He feels his face flush at the idea, and he grimaces, turning away.
“Bon?” Hana frowns.
Bon covers his face with his hands, lets out a long groan and says, “to fucking… cuddle,” like he’s allergic to the word. And Hana laughs so softly, so fondly, Bon can’t handle it.
“Yeah,” Hana says, so easily, “of course. Come here.”
Bon uncovers his face, seeing Hana’s arms outstretched for him. Bon gets up, lets himself be pulled into Hana’s embrace. He lets Hana pretty much manhandle him, not having the energy to do anything against it, and he ends up with his head resting on Hana’s firm chest with Hana’s hands, heavy and grounding on his back. Hazzy had slinked around them and is resting by Hana's feet.
“This okay?” Hana asks quietly.
Bon nods, melting into him. His body goes limp and he has to stop himself from burrowing into Hana’s chest. It’s been a very long time since he was held like this, with a solid, warm body beneath him and a hand in his hair. It’s overwhelming, the way Hana is so gentle with him. Bon huffs wetly, hiding his face in Hana’s soft jumper.
“Bon? What’s wrong?”
Bon shakes his head, not trusting his voice.
Hana noses his hair. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “Sometimes… we get a little too overwhelmed. You’re no different.”
They lie there for a while, Hana rubbing Bon’s back as he silently cries into his shirt. It’s fucking embarrasing really, but Hana doesn’t seem to mind. He's good like that; he's patient and kind and sweet and so overwhelmingly good and Bon doesn't deserve him. Bon sniffs and wipes his face, muttering an apology.
“Don’t,” Hana chides softly. “It’s okay.”
“I-” Bon clears his throat. “When I was younger I used to- I craved affection more than anything. When I got- when I got burned up I couldn’t handle touch. It’s not like anyone wanted to anyway so it was- fine. But I get this… this tingly feeling in my skin, as if…”
“As if it’s craving it.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t hesitate next time you want this, I don’t mind. I like cuddling with you.”
“I like being with you," Bon admits. "I don't feel like a freak when I'm with you."
"You're not a freak."
"I'm not not a freak."
"Is this what's bothering you today?"
"I get these… stupid nightmares. Reminds me that everyone who loved me or even just liked me left me after this" - he gestures to his face - "Everyone says they're there for you, but no one has the capacity to be there when you're having a fucking breakdown in the bathroom because everything hurts and you don't…" - he clears his throat, shaking his head. "I used to be- y'know, cared about, and now no one does."
"I care for you," Hana murmurs. "Tera cares for you, so does Aoife, I can tell. And Baby really likes you. The people who left you when you were hurting don't deserve you, and you don't deserve them. You deserve good things. Good friends.”
“I have good friends,” Bon says.
“And we’re not going anywhere."
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I like you," Hana whispers. Then, after a moment, "Might even love you." Bon tilts his head up to look at him, only to see him looking right back. Part of him itches at it, being seen like this, but he can't help his heart picking up its pace in anticipation. He can feel Hana's beating just as much.
"Don't joke with me," he says, pulling away.
“I would never.”
“You mean it?”
Hana bites his cheek. "Yeah."
"Like- really?”
Hana laughs softly. "Yeah."
Bon flushes, embarrassed. "It's just- no one ever really means it, y'know? I mean my own fucking" - he shakes his head - "I just- It's hard to trust it."
"You trust me, don't you?"
"Without a doubt," he says immediately.
"Then trust me."
"What the fuck does 'might' love me mean?"
Hana barks a laugh. "I don't know! I- You know!"
Bon's face splits into a grin and he laughs with him. "How the fuck would I know?"
"Have you ever felt like… I've only known you for a few months, but I feel like it's been years. And - And you're such a sweet man, and I- I'd do anything for you. To keep you happy, to-"
His words are cut short into a little surprised sound as Bon kisses him, but then he kisses back and brings a hand up to cup his cheek and Bon can't stop the words on his tongue.
"I'd do anything for you," he whispers against Hana's lips.
Hana grins. "Would you kiss me again?"
Bon does. Again and again and again.
"Does this mean you 'might' love me too?"
"Yeah."
Hana presses kisses to his cheek, his nose, his forehead, making Bon giggle quietly the whole time. He doesn't know how to handle this - it's all so much. He hasn't been loved like this in so fucking long and-
Hana's gaze trails to the window.
"What?"
"I think I just saw Cow."
Bon groans petulantly. "I should never have gotten those fucking chickens."
Hana laughs and kisses him again. “Come on, let’s save your strawberries.”
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