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roidespd-blog · 5 years

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Chapter Fourteen : G AS IN GAY

GAY… MEN ?

It is quite hard to tackle what gay is exactly as it looks simple enough but the specifics are way more complex. If I use it as an umbrella term, it covers men, women, trans men and trans women who happens to identify with this sexual orientation. Easy then. But the term “gay” was rejected by many lesbian women who wanted to forge an identity on their own aside from the shadows of homosexual men. So today, you can come out as a ‘gay woman’ but never use the word because it is still too broad and tight to people who are not exactly you and have more privileges. Also, and that’s the really interesting thing about it , the word gay has been favored by homosexual men most of all when describing their sexual orientation. And since I’m trying to cover everyone, I think it’s quite inevitable I begin dissecting what’s closest to one category. Consider this article about Gay Men — sorry, everyone else. You did or will get your due.

SEMANTICS

The word “Gay” is an english word which made its appearance in the 12th century. It comes from the very old french word “Gai”. “Gai” meant joyful, carefree or bright and showy. A meaning that was incorporated its english counterpart with the now famous Gay Nineties of late 19th century. Gay became a synonym of Homosexual in the 20th century. That’s when it got real sexual. Although to be fair, in certain circles, it was already the case, as someone gay could mean “addicted to pleasures and dissipations”.

One of my favorite movies of all time, Bringing Up Baby (1938) with the exquisite Katharine Hepburn, seems to be the first film to use “gay” in reference to homosexuality. Cary Grant is forced to wear a woman’s feather-trimmed robe when his clothes are sent to the cleaners. To that he says “I just went gay all of a sudden!”. And believe me, he was not in a carefree mood.

The earliest paper trail of the use of gay as homosexuals comes from Alfred A. Gross who said something so vile, I cannot NOT share it with you (as it shows how the world perceived, perceive and keep making us perceive ourselves) : “I have yet to meet a happy homosexual. They have a way of describing themselves as gay but the term is a misnomer. Those (…) are about the saddest people I’ve ever seen”.

If you really go into the specifics of what gay and straight mean, you see the world’s perspective of those “life choices”. Straight means seriousness, respectability, moral. Gay means uninhibited lifestyles and hedonistic values. And I’m not even gonna mention all the euphemisms that were created after the word gay. I already did in a previous article.

GAY AS AN IDENTITY

Gay as an “identity” is not something that is embraced by all. Some find it too clinical, focused more on the physical actions of one rather than his romantic feelings. Some rejects it because they see the undesirable cultural connotations and still-current negative slang usage of the word. Some loathes because it sounds too limited and box-like. I find it too broad and unfair to the rest of the community. Gay was for so long everyone in the community in the eyes of the general public. Because men were the most flamboyant and out there for so long, they overshadowed the rest of their brothers and sisters and appropriated the word for themselves, forcing the slow built of the acronym L G B T Q + (One letter at a time). As usual, men (as homosexual as they were) weren’t gonna let space for anyone else. Now, everything “gay” is a direct reference to homosexual men. A gay bar is mostly directed at bars with men. But let’s be real for a second. As GAY MEN, it is quite hard to forge ourself a proper “identity” with this word as its use has been turn so much against us.

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“That’s so gay” This pejorative usage had its origins in the late 1970, as homosexuality was seen (ahah, “was”) as inferior or undesirable. it is still a common phrase for people nowadays. I honestly can’t stand it. EVEN gay people use it and I’m not even sure they grasp the irony of their words. It harms the community by using a common phrase that spreads casual homophobia. Don’t do that, it’s LAME (see, another way to say things. Isn’t it nice?)

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Gay is not an identity. If you are a gay man, or an homosexual man (whatever the term you want to call yourself), you are describing your sexual orientation. Though it is part of your identity, you have a lot more to publicly claim that your love for cock — and if you can only define yourself as a cocksucker, well you’re more narrow than my top, almost-never-bottomed asshole.

“HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF GAY YOU WERE ?”

PINK TRIANGLE

It is commonly accepted that a gay man needs to walk a certain way (or “funny”), talk a certain way (or “girly”) and dress a certain way (or “colorful” which can also describe their personalities). As television and cinema were slowly opening up to the idea of homosexuality, it was shown that a man who loves other man had to show it in every way possible. Be gayer that gay. What’s the point of all your fuss if we, straight people, can’t even recognize you ? The truth is, as I’ve said earlier, gay is not an identity. If you happen to be a homosexual, you identity traits should not be affected by it. Unfortunately, we are a group in constant renewal as we are not born into our community but later join it (or not). And since the world has mostly denied us existence, the only basic structure we have is the simplistic binary heterosexual perception the world has of us. The colorful ones.

Matt Bomer is gay. Liberace was gay. Do you see any specific identity traits between the two of them, beside their sexuality ?

That doesn’t mean you can’t cultivate your feminine traits, be flamboyant and fabulous. But just like everything else, you need to be sure that you have this inside of you because it is you, not because you adapted to the heterosexual gaze. And that’s just the idea of gayness that has been cultivated by society in general. I now want to talk about the idea of gayness inside the “gay community” (by that I mean gay men).

2. GAY TRIBES

As I was researching the different gay tribes that a gay man can belong to (I don’t know then all by heart since I refuse to adhere to them in any away — although as a younger man I described myself as a bear trapped in the body of a twink), I immediately landed on an article from Fast Company called “An Illustrated Guide to Recognizing Your Gay Stereotypes”. The article was talking about the work of illustrator Paul Tuller who was “reclaiming and celebrating” the archetypes of the gay community. That made my blood boil into supernova-like temperature.

Among those illustrations were the following clichés :

The Bear (a husky, large man with a lot of body hair) The Twink (a typically younger, thinner, gay man with little or no body hair) The Twunk (a young gay man who had the face of a twink and the physique of a hunk — jesus…) The Otter (a typically thinner, hairier gay man) The Drag Queen (that is a JOB. Do you even understand your community ? shut the fuck up)

There’s also : the Daddy (a man who is usually middle-aged and had a more dominant personality) the Jock (a gay man with an athletic build who typically enjoys sports) the Geek (a gay man with deep and enthusiastic knowledge of one or more hobbies, activities, professional fields or intellectual pursuits) the Poz (someone who is HIV positive… ) the Discreet (a gay man who is not out) the Clean-Cut (that’s a way of grooming!) the Rugged (that’s ALSO a way of grooming!) The Leather (it’s not an identity itself since it refers to a sexual fetish but whatever)

Those are terms that you can find to describe yourself on dating apps like Grindr (you can only choose one, three if you pay premium access).

Gay man, do you recognize yourself in these ? Off course you do. You can even associate those terms at will and make a comprehensive description of the image you have of yourself and/or the one you want others to have of you. Unfortunately, we are never going to advance as a community and a movement if we keep trying to put our own in little boxes. I do not want someone to come over to me and assume that because I look young and I’m somewhat thin, he gets to fantasize about me or be interest in talking to me because I’m a twink. I don’t want to put into the world that I’m in pursuit of a Daddy Bear with Leather interest ! That’s offensive and reductive. Why are you willing to do to ourselves what others do to us ? Don’t you see that the 50-year old cliché of the Fabulous Gay with pink feathers coming out of his ass is just the grandfather of “The Tale of the Bear and the Otter” ? (just made up that name, I need to make a children’s book out of this). I honestly think that tribes inside a tribe are the most counterproductive artifacts a person can face and it kills the individuality one can have. That’s just my opinion.

I haven’t even talked out the body issues that comes with the fact that you are gay.

This is what you’re supposed to look like :

That’s the picture perfect image most gay men are looking for on dating apps. To some, if you don’t look like that, you’re not even worth looking at. I mean, I already talked about racism on another article, but this is different. This is what a young 16 year-old think is supposed to be desirable. That’s the goal. Sweet boy, most people don’t look like that. I have fat. I have a little belly. I’m not okay with it but I can’t really fight it. I also believe that the gay community, NOT society, gave me the impression that my body was not enough to be considerable good looking. Sure, I’m cute. But hot ? Never felt that way. If I was a heterosexual man, I do believe that I would not be subjected to that much scrutiny from my sexual partners. And if I feel like that, I’m sure I’m not the only one.

So, “How did you know what kind of gay you were” ?

Young gay boy, you don’t need archetypes to define what kind of gay you are. You need to define what kind of human you are and the rest will follow. Don’t fit into a category put together by the community just like, previous to that situation, you decided not to fit into the category society wanted to put you in (aka straight). It took me years to know that. Build an independent spirit that is not polluted by pre-conceived notions of gayness. I hope you let yourself grab that opportunity too.

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