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mint-merriment · 5 years

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PvZ: Neighbor's Perspective

Child, looking up to see me in my front yard: Mommy, what's that lady doing in her yard?

Suburban Mother, not looking: Oh, she's just gardening, Timmy.

Child: Oh, okay. *a pause* Mommy, what are those gray people doing on her lawn?

Suburban Mother, checking: Gray people-? Oh!

*an explosion, followed by a triumphant whoop*

Suburban Mother, swooping her child up in her arms: Don't ever go there, okay, Timmy? You might get affected by her /weirdness/.

Child: Okay, Mommy.

~~~

Child, in bed, looking out of window: Mommy, I can't sleep.

Suburban Mother: I'll read you a bedtime story, then!

Child, still looking out of window: But the big booms will wake me up!

Suburban Mother, frowning and peeking out the window: "Big booms?"

*explosion with purple mushroom cloud, followed by a jack-in-the-box tune and a scream of frustration*

Suburban Mother, quickly closing curtains: Oh, don't mind those! Just- here, Timmy. *hands him a pair of earphones*

Child, unable to hear from the loud, kiddy music coming from the earphones: Okay. Goodnight, Mommy.

~~~

Child, in backyard, peeking over my fence: Mommy, why are those plants in the pool?

Suburban Mother, checking: In the pool? *checking* Oh, those are lilypads... they're meant to be planted in water.

Child, looking at my frantic planting: Oh, okay. *a pause* Mommy, the gray people are back!

*dolphin noises*

Suburban Mother, swooping child up in her arms: Don't go there, Timmy! You could get hurt! Or even worse, AIDS! *shudders*

Child: Okay, Mommy.

~~~

Child, at night: Mommy, why is it so gray outside?

Suburban Mother, fondly: Oh, Timmy. It's just fog!

*fog is suddenly blown away*

Child: Mommy, where did the fog go?

Suburban Mother, confused: I... don't know?

*splashing noises, followed by bubbly noises and clanking*

Suburban Mother: Just go to sleep, Timmy.

Child: Okay, goodnight Mommy.

~~~

Child, staring up at roof: Mommy, what's the weird lady doing on her roof?

Suburban Mother, unaware: Don't be silly, Timmy. There's nothing to do on the roof!

Child, pointing: But Mommy! She's on the roof with the gray people! And cabbages, /and/ corn!

Suburban Mother, squinting: Wha- why would she be up there with /food/?

???: YEEEEEEE-HAAWWW! *a zombie drops from somewhere and steals a plant*

Suburban Mother, cringing: Let's just go back inside, Timmy.

Child: Okay, Mommy.

~~~

Child, at night: Mommy, there's a giant robot!

*distant yee-haw*

Suburban Mother: What? Don't be ridiculous, Timmy. Giant robots don't exist.

Child, pointing out the window: But, Mommy, look!

*giant robot proceeds to step on my roof*

Suburban Mother, looking out window: !!?! *faints*

Child, continuing watching: Ooh...

*the entirety of the zomboss fight*

Child, watching Zomboss' robot collapse in on itself: Aahh...

*triumphant screeching, as I hold up the silver sunflower trophy over my head*

Child, clapping politely: Good job, Miss Weird Lady!

Surburban Mother, waking up: Wha- Timmy? What just happened?

Child: *gleefully* Miss Weird Lady destroyed the robot with her plants!

Surburban Mother: ...Okay, time to go to bed, Timmy.

Child: Goodnight, Mommy! *turns to outside window* Goodnight, Miss Weird Lady!

*muffled goodnight*

Suburban Mother, walking away from her child's room: I need a drink...

#pvz

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