#like. is it my parents' expectations and heteronormative standards that are making me convince myself i'm actually attracted to men? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

captocie · 6 years

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hey guys!! i got some questions about my being a lesbian and coming out and how i came to realize it, so i thought i’d answer those longform right here.

Have I told my parents yet:

Yes! I did! I told them both on the same day, this past monday. They had the sorts of questions you might expect, mostly my mom did, but she was very open minded and accepting, and after some explanation she said she was very happy for me. my dad just said, “cool” but like, genuine lol

Do I have a love interest:

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm I don’t know? I have a friend. She is really pretty. We’re going to meet for the first time on Weds, but I don’t know if she means for it to be a date, or just hangin out. I’m gonna let her lead on this bc I don’t wanna make it weird if it isn’t a date, but i would be kind of happy if it was one, too. I’m happy to let it be whatever it is.

How did I realize I am a lesbian:

This is a longer answer than the above, so you might wanna grab some water and get comfy, lol.

For me, the questioning process was extremely long and extremely halting, and began, ultimately, when I was in 9th grade, about 14 years old, which was the first time that I learned that people even could be a couple with someone who was the same gender as them.

I tried on a LOT of other identities before finding one that fit.

When I was 17 I thought that maybe I was bi, because even though I’d never had a crush (that i recognized as a crush) on a girl, I did have a really, really keenly felt fantasy that I had a girlfriend who loved me.

I didn’t really get to examine my feelings about women very much for the next few years, because I got into an extremely bad relationship at around that time that lasted about two years.

When I got rid of that, I did actually suspect I might be a lesbian, but my mom thought i maybe only felt that way bc of the ordeal that i’d just been through, and because she was my mom and bc the ordeal was indeed extremely bad, i was inclined to believe her.

I was, indeed, pretty traumatized by the whole thing. I didn’t want to sleep with any man, even the men i was attracted to, and i never had, but i thought “i was too young to want that then, and now i’m too damaged to want that now”

i was never really able to explore my attraction to women then, either. i tried to see if maybe i could get into a relationship with a cute woman in the art school i went to, but she turned out to be really pushy and aggressive and i was just not into that, and i did not know how to figure out who, if anyone, else was even interested in ladies! The only reason i knew the woman i was initially interested in was gay was bc she was DECKED in rainbows.

so i got into a couple of not great but not bad relationships with men. i was really into a couple of them, but i was also NOT into the idea of sleeping with any of them.

after that, i came across some stuff on tumblr, and i thought “oh, maybe i’m just ace. maybe i’m ace and also pan? maybe i’m ace *flux* and also pan?”

because the thing was i was into men, but i didn’t want to have sex with them at all. like ever. and i was into women, but i had never really examined that. whenever i was attracted to a woman, some part of me would also kind of say “oh, yeah but whatever” and kind of avert my attention from that because of a combination of subconscious internalized homophobia and compulsory heteronormativity in society.

it wasn’t until a couple of years after that that i started actually paying attention when i felt attracted to a woman, and it was only within the last two years that i started actually vocalizing when i was attracted to a woman

and a funny thing started happening which was that, the more that i allowed myself to experience this attraction and the more that i stopped brushing it aside and ignoring or dismissing it, the more i really found myself preferring women to men.

at some point, i just dropped the ace identity altogether. i very clearly just wasn’t into having sex *with men* but i thought since i was still attracted to them in some other ways, i must still be bi.

around then, a little over a year ago, i started learning about compulsory heteronormativity, and about the impact that can have on gay people, lesbians specifically. basically, when you grow up your entire life with all the world expecting you to marry a dude some day, it becomes what you expect of yourself in some way, and in some way or another you view men as mating/dating people even if that’s not how you naturally or would otherwise feel. I learned about a bunch of different ways that could manifest.

i didn’t really think it applied to me (spoiler: i was extremely wrong) and i was really defensive about the idea at first, honestly. who wants to be told they don’t know themselves as well as they think they do?

my questioning process really began to accelerate towards the end of last year, when i saw the musical Fun Home for the first time. The musical, for anyone who doesn’t know, is an autobiographical one written and starred in by Alison Bechdel. (Yes, that Alison Bechdel.)

It deals with her discovery of lesbianism and her relationship with her family. it has a really tragic part in act two.

i came away from it feeling extremely upset for days, and i managed to convince myself that it was because of the tragic part, and not because i felt some kind of confusing, intense pull towards lesbianism that i couldn’t describe or wrap my head around or understand or recognize.

from then on, i spent the whole rest of the year intermittently asking myself whether or not i might actually be a lesbian. and in the beginning, i thought “almost definitely not, probably i’m just bi. i’m just bi and i prefer women.”

but.... as the year went on....

six months ago, and then again four months ago, i came across this post of common experiences between lesbians who didn’t realize they were lesbians yet.

and i could relate. to over half, something like 53 of 79 of the points on the list

and i started really feeling like.... maybe i was??? a lesbian??? but i still was dealing with a LOT of doubt and confusion, most of which caused by compulsory heteronormativity, and i thought, also maybe i wasn’t one

i started to feel less and less like maybe i wasn’t one the more i thought about it, but i still thought like.... “maybe? i don’t know hmmmm”

it wasn’t until i was having a conversation with some of my friends about, of all things, which game of thrones character is hottest, and i said, “you know what i never actually wanted to be banged by any man, except this character, and he’s fictional. he’s the only man i’ve ever actually wanted to get banged by.”

and as soon as i said it i instantly knew two things.

one: that was entirely true what i just said. i didn’t even WANT to get banged by the one man in the entire world i could think of who was ostensibly perfect enough to meet all of my high high high standards (who was also just completely unattainable and who is VERY famous), i just wanted to be married to him some day and the sex idea was more of a “well i could stomach it, it would be worth it bc he’s so wonderful in other ways”

and two: that is a very very gay thing to be true about me

and so i decided a couple of hours later to have a discussion with one of my gay friends, they’re studying to be a counselor for lgbt issues and psychologist, and they’re really really nice, i asked them a bunch of questions

like, before the conversation was even halfway over i realized that i am definitely, without any shred of a doubt, a lesbian.

it is a very very lesbian thing to want to marry some man who you will very likely never even meet. (because society tells you you’re supposed to marry a man! and if the man you pick is someone who you never actually are gonna meet, then you’re not in any danger of actually having to follow through with it!) it is a very lesbian thing to focus solely on the companionship and affection in relationships with men (because those are things that all people need, and it’s really easy to misplace who you think you want those things from, especially when society is constantly reinforcing that “with a man” is the good and normal route to choose!)

one by one every doubt i had about possibly being a lesbian were answered and explained and everything made sO MUCH SENSE and i felt. so good about myself and so liberated and happy to be a lesbian.

and i still am!!

Happy pride 💗

#feel free to Ask me more questions about this if you want! <3

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