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buckleysjareau · 4 years

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baby you know i just wanna leave tonight

9-1-1 Week 2020, Day 5: “it’s okay, you can cry.” + hurt

If there was one thing that people knew about Evan Buckley, it was that he didn’t want people to know him.

People find out more about Buck than he ever wanted them to know when the Buckley's come to town.

read on ao3

tw; past childhood neglect, past emotional abuse, emotional abuse, mention of a car accident

If there was one thing that people knew about Evan Buckley, it was that he didn’t want people to know him.

He wasn’t cold, and he didn’t shy from making friends, but his friends could count on one hand the things they knew about him. He trained to be a Navy SEAL, he tended bar in South America, and he had a sister named Maddie. The last one only came up because she showed up in Los Angeles one day.

There are certain things that Eddie notices when it comes to Buck and personal questions. There was one time Christopher asked if Buck was going to make his dad a card for Father’s Day and Buck tensed up like he’d been asked if he was guilty of murder. His response had been simple enough for Christopher, just that his dad was in Pennsylvania, it’d be too far to send it.

He doesn’t mention that Christopher sends one to his Abuelo in El Paso.

Another thing he gets weird about is his college education. He’s joked about not remembering what he wrote his college essay on, but that’s as far as that went. Karen asked him about it once and instead of answering, he deflects and puts the attention back on her. He notices the look Hen shares with Karen right after and he realizes he’s not the only one that’s noticed something off.

When the team learns something new about Buck one day, it’s brought up by Chimney.

They’re at Eddie’s house for a team gathering, the Rams game on the TV. Bobby, Chimney, and Eddie have all of their attention on the game when Chimney looks over at Buck sitting on the loveseat, completely unenthused with all of their game day chaos.

“I’m surprised you’re not more into the game, Buckaroo. Didn’t you play football?”

Buck’s eyes turned to saucers. “How do you know that?”

“Maddie told me. We were talking about if we’d ever get our son or daughter into sports since neither of us are very athletic in that sense, and she told me you played all through high school and college.”

That gets a reaction from everyone. It’s something new they’ve learned about Buck, so of course it’s exciting, but Buck looks like he’s ready to bolt.

“How is that relevant?” He gulps.

“You’re gonna be his or her uncle, so at least one of us is good at sports.” Chimney laughs, which was the wrong thing to do, because Buck stands abruptly.

“Maybe you should wait until they’re old enough to decide what they want to do instead of just putting them in a sport they might not wanna do.” After that, he runs out. Maddie follows after him with a sigh, guilt and anger written on her face.

No one talks about it after that. His friends noticed just how much Buck refuses to talk about himself, how uncomfortable it makes him, so they back off. He’d come to them on his own time, whenever that may be.

Little did they know that they’d all be finding out a lot more about Buck than they ever thought they would.

Eddie walks into the firehouse with coffee for Chimney and Buck at the beginning of his shift. He knows things are hectic for Maddie and Chimney seeing as her due date was a couple of weeks away, but he also knows Buck is not excluded from the stress.

He’d been over Eddie’s the night before and after Christopher was put to bed, the random facts about pregnancy and due dates started spewing out. He knew most of them because of Shannon’s pregnancy books but the fact that Buck knew them most likely meant he fell down the Google rabbit hole. He really only does that when he’s stressed or can’t sleep.

Coffee would be a nice surprise.

He finds Buck sitting on one of the couches in the loft, hands in hair, his phone on his lap. It’s obvious he’s not happy, maybe a little mad, but mostly he just looks scared.

“Hey, Buck! I got you a coffee.” Eddie sits next to him and places the coffees in front of them. “You okay?”

When Buck looks up, the change in expression could have given him whiplash. He’s pretty fast at putting on a mask, he’ll give him that.

“Oh! Thanks, man, I definitely needed this.” He laughs. “Yeah, I’m fine!”

“Then why were you staring at your phone like it killed your puppy?”

“I don’t have a puppy.” Deflection. He sighs when Eddie gives him a look. “Maddie just told me… something.”

“Something?” He knows he shouldn’t push, knows what the outcome will probably be but he’s gotta try.

“Yeah. Something.” Buck has his fists tightly clenched.

Eddie sighs. “Alright. You know I’m always here to talk, right? About anything.” He reminds him like he does every time.

“Yeah, I know, thanks.”

Do you?

The conversation turns to something normal for the two and Buck seems okay, seemingly content to just drink his coffee and talk to Eddie.

Until Chimney walks into the loft. He looks apprehensively at the older man, like he’s going to say something he doesn’t want said out loud. It makes sense, Chimney must know more stuff about Buck than any of them through Maddie. He wouldn’t say he’s jealous, really, but he hates not knowing anything about his best friend.

“I got you a coffee, Chim!” Eddie calls him over and whatever Maddie told Buck definitely doesn’t affect him because the man has a big smile on his face.

“You shouldn’t have!” He takes a sip. “You even remembered the cinnamon! If I wasn’t with Maddie, I’d marry you in a heartbeat just for this, man!”

“You got him a coffee, too?” Buck gasps. “And here I thought I was special.”

“You’re special, Buckaroo. A special type of idiot.” Chimney grins but drops it as soon as he gets up and glares at him. “Cap! Help! I’m too young to die!”

“Buck, stop chasing Chimney, he’s too young to die.” Bobby says without even looking up from the tomatoes he’s chopping.

The banter and teasing seems to put Buck in a better mood and the look on his face when Eddie found him has long disappeared.

It doesn’t stay that way.

They were having family dinner, passing around food, and laughing about a call they just had where a six year old ran off from her parents to chase a squirrel and ended up in a tree.

“The mom was telling me that her ending up in high places was a normal occurrence.” Bobby laughs. “Athena said May was the same way.”

“Those parents were so cool about it. My mom would have killed me for getting the Fire Department called.” Hen snorts.

“My parents definitely would have just laughed at me once they knew I was okay.” Eddie can’t hold back a laugh at the memory it brings up. “My sister chased a stray cat and fell face first in cow manure and they still haven’t let her live it down.”

He looks over to Buck and sees the face he saw when he first came in.

Eddie changes the subject quickly in hopes it’ll change Buck’s mood but he’s zoned out.

They’re cleaning up when Chimney walks over to Buck, who’s cleaning the dishes, and asks him something that Eddie can’t hear. It’s not good, though, because Buck drops whatever dish he was washing back into the sink and backs away.

“Why would I do that?” He snaps.

“They’re your parents, Buck. I just wanted to know if you were coming.” It’s a quiet response but Eddie hears it.

Buck rolls his eyes and storms off, calling angrily over his shoulder, “you don’t know shit, dude!”

Everyone turns to Chimney. “What the hell happened?”

Chimney sighs, guilt written across his face. “His, uh, parents are flying in tomorrow. I just asked him if he was going with us to get them from the airport.”

Hen’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “You asked the guy who clams up at the tiniest question about his past if he’s going to pick up the people he refuses to talk about?”

He looks like he knows he fucked up. “I know, I know. It’s just, Maddie’s been reconnecting with them and I figured Buck was doing the same.”

Eddie gives him a pointed look and heads off to find Buck. When he does, he’s already changed into his gym clothes and hitting the punching bag like it’s his worst enemy.

“Don’t give me that look, man. I don’t wanna talk about it.” He huffs.

“I’m not asking you to talk about it. I’m not one who should be lecturing people on talking about their feelings. I’m just here to see if you’re alright, okay?” Eddie puts the boxing pads on as he speaks. “But maybe it’ll help if you have someone to swing at?”

Buck doesn’t say anything, he just turns to Eddie’s held out arms and starts pounding at the boxing pads. Eddie never falters or stops, he just lets Buck take out his frustration on him, only lowers his arms when Buck stops.

It remains quiet for a few minutes, only the sound of Buck’s labored breathing filling the air, so Eddie’s surprised when Buck speaks up.

“They want to be a part of the baby’s life. Maddie decided to let them, and now they’re gonna be here in less than twenty four hours and I’m pissed, okay?”

“Your parents?” He doesn’t know why he asks, he knows the answer.

“Who else?” Buck bites.

“I’m sorry, man.” He wants to know more. He wants to know why he’s so mad about Maddie letting them in her baby’s life, wants to know why in their two years of friendship this is the first he’s ever heard Buck mention his parents. He wants to know everything but he doesn’t want Buck to start pulling back from him for asking too many questions.

“It’s whatever.” Buck’s never looked so uncomfortable and Eddie hates that he’s the one making him feel that way around him. “Can I come over after this shift?”

“Of course. Always.”

Before the conversation can get any further, the alarm rings and everything else is forgotten.

It’s seven in the morning when they get to Eddie’s, just in time to say bye to Christopher before Carla takes him to school. She’s not surprised to see Buck, but she senses something’s up because she raises an eyebrow at Eddie while Christopher is giving him a hug. Eddie’s head shake clearly doesn’t satisfy her but she doesn’t say anything.

They say their goodbyes and they end up on the couch, Netflix pulled up to continue watching Parks and Recreation. Usually after a twenty four hour shift Eddie would be sleeping as soon as he was home but it’s what they usually do after bad shifts. He could tell it’s exactly what Buck needs to relax so he’ll stay awake a little while longer.

“Meeting my parents is going to be inevitable so please pay them no mind when you do. Please.”

“Why, Buck?”

“Just don’t, okay? You’ll understand.” He sounds desperate so Eddie doesn’t ask again.

It’s quiet again after that, only the sound of the TV playing throughout the room. He feels Buck’s leg stop shaking and before he can look over, Buck’s resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder and snoring. Deciding against moving him to get up, Eddie rests his own head on top of Buck’s and closes his eyes.

He doesn’t come to until his phone rings five hours later. Maddie’s name lights up his screen and has him glancing over at Buck, who still seemed to be knocked out on his shoulder.

He swipes to answer. “Hey, Maddie, what’s up?”

“Hey! Do you know where Buck is? He’s not answering his phone.”

“He’s right here. He’s sleeping.” He whispers.

“Oh, alright, let him sleep.” He was planning on it. “Can you let him know when he wakes up that our parents made it safely and want to see him?”

He sighs. His parents appearance is what has him so uncomfortable so he really doesn’t want to, but he tells her he will anyway and says goodbye. He feels weird about Buck’s parents being here after the conversation of them had been avoided for so long so he really can’t even begin to imagine how Buck feels.

Buck’s brows furrow in his sleep, a frown present on his face like he’s somewhere he doesn’t want to be in his mind. Eddie sighs for the thousandth time that day.

“I’m so sorry, Buck.” He hopes it reaches his dream.

Eddie despises Buck’s parents.

He meets them for the first time at Maddie’s last minute baby shower the next day. The shower was their mother’s idea and had Maddie asking Buck to make his famous red velvet cupcakes at seven in the evening. He’d been frantic the whole night and he ends up stress baking way more cupcakes than needed for their little party.

That already has Eddie annoyed with her but it only gets worse from there.

“Evan, honey, it’s been forever!” Buck is tense as he hugs his mother.

“Hey, mom.”

“Oh, honey, how many times do I have to tell you to cover that thing? People don’t want to see that.” She’s pulling out a tube of foundation before she even finishes her sentence but Buck ducks away from her.

“I don’t want it covered, thanks.” He smiles tightly. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s in the other room talking to that cute captain of yours.”

The mention of his father being in the same room as Bobby has him completely frozen. Eddie doesn’t like how panicked he looks so he steps in and nudges his shoulder. “Let’s go say hi to Cap.”

It gets Buck going again, enough for him to move his feet and into Athena’s dining room. The Grant-Nash’s are saints for throwing such a last minute get together, especially one planned by someone Eddie has already deemed annoying.

“Buck! Eddie! You’re finally here.” Chimney looks like he wants to be anywhere but that dining room right now. “Where’s Christopher?”

Eddie smiles. “He already went off with Harry and Denny somewhere.”

“Here we are.” Buck chuckles awkwardly. “Hi, dad.”

“Evan.”

It’s so awkward in there that he’s about to say something but Bobby beats him to it by clearing his throat. “Athena tells me you brought your red velvet cupcakes?”

Buck laughs. “Yeah, and there’ll be plenty left, don’t worry. I made way more than necessary.”

The smile on Buck’s face dims when he hears his dad scoff under his breath. “So you can bake but not cook? Of course.”

“Your son is an amazing cook, Mr. Buckley.” Bobby defends, ignoring the implication of his words.

“Alright. Let me ask you this Captain Nash… Is Evan as good of a firefighter as he is a cook?”

Buck’s eyes widened. “Just leave it be, dad.”

“He’s an excellent firefighter, one of the best I’ve ever had under my captaincy.” Bobby places his hand on Buck’s shoulder and smiles. “The one-eighteen is lucky to have him.”

“If he was so good then he wouldn’t have had to have six surgeries, Captain Nash.”

Eddie wants to punch this guy.

“I will never understand why you would ruin your life like this, Evan.” His tone is cold. “You had a full ride to Duke University. You wouldn’t have had to have those surgeries if you hadn’t dropped out your senior year and quit the only noble thing you’ll ever do.”

Full ride to Duke University? What the hell?

“Can we not do this now?”

His father ignores him. “You could have been drafted by the NFL. You could have been making millions of dollars by now if you stuck to it.”

“Thought you wanted me to be a doctor?” He snaps back. “I hated football. I only ever played so you would be proud of me but you never were. Dropping out was the best thing I could have done for myself because it meant I was done living for you.”

His outburst from the team get together finally made sense to them.

“You dropped out to whore yourself out around South America, that’s hardly living, Evan.” His mom decides to chime in making Eddie clench his fists. “You broke your father’s heart. You should have been more like your sister.”

“I broke- I broke his-” Buck shakes his head. “You know what? I can’t. I can’t do this.”

“Yeah, run like you always do. I really don’t know why we ever bothered with you.” His mom shouts and Buck stops abruptly.

“You didn’t! You never bothered with me. You never cared enough about me to bother. I did everything to get your attention, everything! I played football, I got all As, I said fuck a social life, I have to study. I dated your boss’ daughter. Nothing I ever did got you to actually look at me. Hell, even me wrapping my car around a tree didn’t make you pay attention to me. You want to be in my niece or nephew’s life? Fine, I don’t care. But I don’t want you in mine.”

It’s quiet as Buck runs off.

As Eddie runs after him, he hears Maddie telling her parents to leave. Thank God.

Buck is pacing in the backyard with his hands covering his face when Eddie finds him. He’s breathing heavy, no doubt still reeling with pent up anger.

“Hey.”

Buck looks up, tries to smile at him, then looks away. He sits on one of one of the benches used for their outside table and looks next to him then back to Eddie. He takes the invitation.

“You turned out pretty great considering your parents.”

Buck chokes out a wet laugh. He notices a tear that Buck brushes away shamefully, turning away from Eddie like he was embarrassed.

Eddie places a hand on Buck’s knee and squeezes. “It’s okay, you can cry.”

Those words are what opens the floodgates. He hears a sniff, then a whimper, and then Buck is shaking with his cries. Eddie lets out a sad sigh before he reaches out and pulls him into his chest. “Football is a dumb sport anyway.”

Buck appreciates his attempt at humor because his crying is accompanied by laughter a second later. Eddie holds him through it all, holds him until he’s not crying anymore.

Buck pulls away and smiles shyly at him. “Thanks.”

“Always. Me having your back extends to this, just so you know.”

He smiles. “Are they gone?”

“Yeah, your sister made them leave right after you left.”

“Good, because I really want a cupcake.”

#911week2020 #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #maddie buckley #buck begins #my fics

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