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creamfessions · 4 years

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unfiltered rant to a girl i fell in love with a year ago today. 9:26 pm,1-19-20

I miss you. God, I miss you so much. A year ago, I knew. A whole year has passed since the day I knew I wanted to be with you. And here we are, hundreds of miles apart and you thinking I hate you, and vice versa.

I have so fucking much to say and I know you don’t give a damn about any of it. So I’m saying it here.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Im selfish, Im arrogant, Im impulsive, Im immature, Im rude, i never think before i speak, im stupid, im alone, and im sorry. I am so, so, so sorry, A. I’m so fucking sorry. It sounds sarcastic and ingenuine but oh my god, I have no way to express the guilt I feel about everything. You should never have had to deal with me and I could have done so much more to treat you better and I wish upon all the fucking stars in the stupid fucking sky that I could go back in time and fix everything. But i can’t, and it’s killing me. It hurts so fucking much, every day that oasses and yet here you are still on my mind like in may of last year, before your trip to europe. I still have your gifts. The music box, the bracelets, etc. I still have the paintings you gave me for my birthday. The paintings I kept on my wall for months because they made me happy just to look at them. To know I was loved enough for you to take so much time and work on them even through your busy schedule. You have no idea how much those paintings mean to me, even now.

I never saw how much you loved me until it was far too late. the card you gave me on my birthday, the times you would come to my shows, the times you would visit me even though i was a 45 minute one way trip from your house. i didnt deserve you then, and i sure as hell dont now. you were so fucking good to me and i never appreciated it enough. funny though, i always found it odd how often you would do things for me and i didnt even notice. you put so much more effort into us than i ever saw, and im sure theres more to your side of the story than i will ever possibly know. you were never very open and i wish that wouldnt have been the case. but then you wouldnt have been you, and i love you.

yeah, i love you. immensely, more than anything else in this world. i wanted to marry you. crazy i know, given my stance on marriage. i just... you were really special to me. you made me feel things i never thought i could feel or would ever feel again. you taught me to be more myself and to enjoy life. you made me actually get excited for the days to come, because i had you. i was ready to take on whatever obstacles came my way because i figured no matter what, i would still have you by my side. and i fucking ruined everything.

i remembered why i got mad at you in the first place, A. it was when you told me you were gonna be someone else’s sugar baby when we were going to be talking about our relationship just weeks later. so i cut you off, thinking you had been entirely over me and i was extremely hurt. it felt like a blade in my heart, not to sound cheesy but it literally felt like i had been stabbed. so i was trying to forget you.

i want to go away from the previous points and explain some things. after i left my dad’s, i think we both know i wasnt myself. something changed. i was living this fantasy of “im an adult and i have everything under control”. and to be quite honest, that was absolutely the opposite. i was getting high or drunk every day to try and cope with the existential dread and the reality of things that i refused to face. thats not what an adult is. because i wasnt an adult. i was 17 and in love and had this horrible dream that i was hopelessly following. there was no logic for my actions. there was no excuse. i was acting like a child. and you didnt deserve to go through all of that. i really fucked everything up and i feel... awful. there are no words to express the guilt, the sorrow, the regret, the yearning-- i can hardly comprehend it to try and indirectly tell you through this dead forum site that no one even fucking uses anymore. im fucking stupid and you deserved so much better than a small town, pop punk stoner who never amounted to anything in life to begin with, let alone when he thought he did after he lived with D and V. i have a lot of growing up to do. and i have a lot of mistakes to learn from.

you dont even want to talk to me anymore. youre seeing someone else. youre already forgetting about me and pretending i didnt exist. and i really cant say that i blame you. no one can, youre doing the smart thing. as much as i love you and i miss you and want to be with you again more than anything else i have ever felt any of those things towards in my 18 years, you should probably stay away for your own good. im not even washed up or has been. i never even was. im pointless to even exist, let alone try to get you back. youre actually smart, so theres no way youd be dumb enough to even consider giving someone like me a second chance. i cry every goddamn day hoping youll text me or that ill wake up and this was all one giant nightmare but i know that what happened is real and i can never take it back or make up for it. im a fraud. im a fucking failure. the only way i can ever amount to something is if i take myself out and use my body to fertilize plants. you were a genius to move on. you really were. and im sorry i ever put you through being involved in my life. im so sorry, A. i hope one day you can forgive me, but i dont even deserve the consideration of forgiveness.

i hope your new cheesepuff treats you as well as i should have. you deserve it, princess.

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not-tryin-2-have-a-debate · 7 years

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part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk

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