#like sorry but im transgender do not fucking look at me stranger

[transmechanicus]

It is sunday night. I remain exhausted.

#my stuff #i tried everything this weekend and nothing is healing my Existential Ambivalence #like i know i cooked and i saw friends and i did my hobbies and normally i'd be proud of myself for all that but i just...don't care #i wanna call out sick or something tomorrow. I'm worried about my finances and i genuinely think im gonna have to move somewhere cheaper #like i was expecting my tax return to offset the slow bleed of money from my savings each month and that Is Not Happening #And its not like i have any way to Make More Money #bc im a grad student and we're contractually prevented from doing so #So that means i'll need to move when my lease is up this summer and i really don't fucking want to #i like where i live i just wish it wasn't so goddamn expensive on rent #even like $200 cheaper would be world changing for me #but no instead i gotta look at my bills after power and car insurance and food and be like oops guess i lost $100 this month #and god forbid i get coffee or eat out in the cheapest way possible bc somehow that adds up to like $100 the second i look away #im sick of being anxious about this!! im not eating enough as it is!! #i also don't wanna get a fucking roommate bc i don't want someone in a space i've come to consider my own #like sorry but im transgender do not fucking look at me stranger #so the only real solution is to move and that's such a fucking hassle and it doesn't solve the problem now and i just want this to get bettr #i wish all students a very $2000 raise forever #and all landlords a very Scrooge Moment that makes you cut my rent in half #ave omnissiah

[noxrynne]

feel free to ignore me im just rambling out thoughts really ‘cuz like idk i got annoyed with how tumblr said “fuck ur tags”

Like, for me personally, usually people tend to like use old, outdated or bad phrasing when trying to get to know me on a more personal level and what it’s like for me to be transgender. In this case like, I do get uncomfortable, but I kinda can understand why they’re using those terms with me. Like, granted, it took me a long time to really come across any transgender vocabulary or terms since, for a long time, I just was never exposed to any of it through anything other than TV. And sitcoms at that (so like, pretty shitty exposure). 

Sometimes I’m like, “Okay sure, I’ll talk a bit and I’ll just like explain what makes me uncomfortable through their language and stuff. I can’t talk for -everyone- but at least it might help some people get some more respectful language to start off with.” Other times I’m just like, in a bad mood or had a bad day and kinda get sarcastic since that’s something I tend to get when I’m upset or nervous but not like, having some problems parsing stuff mentally (when that happens I tend to stutter or just like, stop mid sentence and try to remember wtf I was saying).  I’ve had a lot of encounters with people who were genuinely wanting to know me better, like old friends and stuff who wanted to reconnect. Or just someone who is trying to make some talk while I’m like, sitting around in their office waiting on something (like eye exams and such when someone’s fitting glasses for me). 

Basically no one really uses correct language. I have a hard time really holding it against them? Because when I first started realizing I was transgender, I had like, 0 conception of what that meant. My entire concept of like “what is a transgender person and what’s that mean” was from sitcoms on TV. Googling it back then I remember being more confusing than anything, and I honestly ended up finding the right language, terms, finding the like... I dunno, like the information overall? From friends, from friend tumblrs, going through the same thing. It was a lot of “OH, I relate to this!!!! OH, that’s the word for it? OH, what’s dysphoria... OH I feel like what this definition describes a lot!” and I’m kinda lucky I like, had that online friend circle. 

Like before I was always terrified I’d look like how the standard “here’s a crowd of hookers, here’s an obviously masculine individual with the deepest voice we could find in a dress” thing on TV goes. It was a big block for me b/c I didn’t want people to point and laugh at me, or make fun of me like how it always goes on TV (and that’s really all I had to understand like, what it’d be like to be in public?).  Before I found like, actual vernacular and language for everything I was always scared to talk about it. All I knew was the word “transvestite” and I knew that wasn’t right, I hated the sound of it personally, and the definition was wonky and I only ever heard the term in an extremely negative context. (The only thing I recall that ever put it in a positive enough light for me was Rocky Horror, and I used to watch it a lot because I always wanted to be pretty enough to wear some of those costumes and stuff). 

But like, when people ask me questions about being trans and everything I tend to like, say “Oh, please don’t call me or refer to me as that. It’s used really negatively all the time, and people have used that term to mock me and hurt me. Transgender is what I am.” I tend to be pretty polite in general, like I’m the person who when knocked over is more likely to apologize to whoever knocked me over. It’s kinda just how I am I think, though I always did wish I was a bit more assertive and that I could stand up for myself more often.  Usually a lot of those discussions end positively. Like, “oh I didn’t know that, wow, that sounds rough” and stuff and it feels kinda nice that this person is willing to like listen to what I have to say (and usually immediately starts using the language I prefer with myself). I usually use the “Well... I was a boy” thing since no one really seems to grasp “Well I was always a girl, but like, my body was more masculine so I was declared a boy from birth” (as in with that description they tend to think “so wait you have a... ?” and that’s awkward for me to like talk about with someone’s who’s basically a stranger x.x;;;). But the other phrase tends to click with them like “Ohhh, okay.” Though like, I kinda try to explain it’s really not as cut and dry like that, it’s just sort of hard to articulate I guess? At least for me it is, to where cis people with 0 concept of what it’s like to be me will understand what I mean, at least. 

I only really tend to use the “mtf” phrase online since in actual IRL talk it sounds clunky to me, so I tend to say “Designated male at birth” and just shorten it since it’s kinda... I dunno, I like how it describes that aspect better? “mtf” always makes me think of Craisglist dating ads on top of that x.x A lot of like, terms in general have been used to insult me (ie; transvestite, tranny, boy in a dress, etc... ), usually online though some people IRL have the lack of respect to do it, too. (I’ve had a lot of other stuff in the past, like been offered money for sexual favors, received rape/death threat messages, etc...). I also absolutely HATE it when anyone says I’m a “trap” that’s like... I hate that more than someone calling me a “tranny” to my face. I really -hate- that term. 

I dunno, I guess I take more of an “intent” approach (and this is just me PERSONALLY I’m not like, preaching or anything and I’m SUPER SORRY if it comes off that way I don’t intend it to x.x;;;)

Since like, I have friends (just like... I’m pretty sure everyone’s misgendered me once by accident, but it’s like to me, it’s an accident and I get that happens. If it’s being done intentionally it hurts, but my friends never do that [luv u guys]).  Idk I rambled on the subject a lot, I kinda have like... I mean this is again just a personal thing. Other people will feel different, other people will hold different feelings/views/thoughts. I just know like, this is how I am x.x;;;; idk

I just rambeld off ‘cuz it made me think a lot and stuff about like me personally. Idk. 

#Kit trans stuff #personal entry the information really just pertains to me not like everyone else? #since everyone feels differently on this and that's fine