#like it seems really clear that i've had lowgrade health issues during my life that were probably based in underlying autoimmune responses

[suncaptor]

i think i do have PEM since the covid vaccine thinking back on the last three years of my life like. the patterns. but i dislike that bc i would like to believe that if i engage in intense compulsive behaviours I'll actually be able to fix my body and be okay again. which is why I've spent the last few years lowkey convinced the reason why i was so much healthier at 19 than my early/mid 20s was because I was bulimic. like bitch get real you have had excessive compulsive exercising moments too it just doesn't do the same thing to your body anymore.

#tw eating disorders #the idea of having PEM is soooo distressing but it would. make so many things make so much sense. #i definitely have some form of cfs and dysautonomia or whatever #like it seems really clear that i've had lowgrade health issues during my life that were probably based in underlying autoimmune responses #causing inflammation which makes sense considering my mom has crohn's and glaucoma and there's a lot of stuff like that on her side #but I was able to work with it i just got migraines and horrific pms issues and collapsed a lot and was always dizzy and stuff like #i could move my body and live and function i just sometimes got fucked up yknow? #but then when i got the covid vaccine it made me SEVERELY ill and i never could get better #bc it sent off this overreactive immune response that couldn't modulate and sent a cascade of inflammation across multiple systems in my bo #(and to not sound incredible about this and back it up I have a record for ulcers/gastrisis/optic nerve hemmorage/optic neuritis since thos #can be seen or whatever) #but it did it like. everywhere. #so all my old issues were worse in a way i was not used to #and also doing things like getting very in shape did not actually help any of the ways Doing Things In The World caused me to get so tired #/in so much pain/crash #or how bad my EDS and fatigue is #etc #also soooo many neurological issues my least favourite :) #which is just ahhhh #but no one will tell me how to fix it :( #i think it's probably similar to Long Covid not because the vaccine gave me covid or something #but because LC seems to be a similar issue of multisystem inflammation due to the body continuously fighting off covid #even after the acute viral symptoms pass? #but i don't know bc no professionals will talk to me about it :( #you know how hard it is to have severe living instability and mental health issues then having your body literally not working at all and #not being able to fix it and also having no one even believe you about it because it's so rare and all #i'm SICK AND TIRED #god #i just want to be able to fix it with enough passion like. can't i just over extend myself until my body is stronger? #but i do think i have PEM. maybe I should try really really hard anyways and see if it makes it worse or not :) haha!