#like it only BECAME undeniable rape instead of grudging consent to unwanted sex when i said 'i don't have unprotected sex'

[thedreadvampy]

sorry guys it's a traumadump time

#the thing is it's just a bit mindboggling to me how i know all this and yet #i was running scared from doing anything about blanket contraceptives until i was nearly 30 #bc like. i started obsessively using condoms only after my abortion #bc. it's terrifying to try and every control over the sex you're having when you're used to the answer being no #like. i did not want to ask and be refused i wanted to keep pretending i was in control #when the truth is the majority of the time i wasn't #but if i just didn't look at how in control i wasn't. if i didn't ask for it to stop and i didn't ask to change anything. #i didn't have to know that someone didn't care whether i was ok. so i just didn't ask. for them to stop hurting me or to use condoms. #but getting pregnant was so horrific for me that demanding condom use became less scary than the alternative #still got pregnant 3 more times i think but my body dealt with it so it's ok #but like. the last time i got raped. like the time that made me put my foot down and say something has to change #and seek help and get therapy and deal with my trauma #like it only BECAME undeniable rape instead of grudging consent to unwanted sex when i said 'i don't have unprotected sex' #'if you have to have sex with me put on a fucking condom' and he didn't so i tried to prevent him so he physically forced me #and that's the fear coming true right? That's the REASON i hadn't wanted to ask before my abortion. that making that hard line in the sand #doesn't protect you it just makes the other person go mask off and hurt you more #SO TELL ME WHY #IT TOOK ANOTHER 4 YEARS AFTER THAT FOR ME TO ACTUALLY START WORKING TOWARDS ACCESSING HORMONAL CONTRACEPTION #this is also why it's so fucking upsetting that the implant really fucked up my periods so i was bleeding constantly #bc i finally acted only to find it wasn't a sustainable solution #right now I'm taking the Pill plus the implant to try and resettle my period #but tbh if it doesn't work after being on the pill temporarily i might just keep taking the pill #doctor said it's a good solution bc the pill manages the period disruption but the implant provides backup if you miss a day #red said