#like it feels like my brain got completely rewired by a self-taught dropout electrician. it's all wrong and bad for literally no reason

[mosspapi]

Straight up not having a good time rn

#my brain is still being incredibly stupid #atp I genuinely don't think it can b anything other than the start of a flare #like it feels like my brain got completely rewired by a self-taught dropout electrician. it's all wrong and bad for literally no reason #like what other reason would I just Randomly get so violently depressed I can't think abt anything other than kms #plus my adhd meds are absolutely not working rn either #normally I'd have more of a warning before we got to this point but it's been so fucking hard to tell when smth physically is wrong anymore #but also. I've been saying 'I think this is the start of a flare' since I got sick and it's never been a flare. so it's possible I'm just #permanently gonna b stuck in this state of 'my brain is non functional' and idk what to do abt that #like I can mostly cope with physically getting worse. it sucks and I hate it but I can adapt and manage myself ok. #I CANNOT however cope with being debilitatingly suicidal at all hours of the day anymore. #my brain doesn't work well enough anymore to deal with that shit again. I cannot do that. so idk what the fuck I'm gonna do here #was any of that coherent? I don't think so lmao #oh well. I'm exhausted and my brain is fried and all I can think abt is hurting myself so what can ya do #armchair speaks #suicide mention #tw suicide mention