#like i’m sorry but the internet has rotted y’all’s brains | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

junker-town · 6 years

Text

Trash Or Nawl: Philly is the kingdom of everything good in the world, Dilly Dilly

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what's going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I've given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn't trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it's up to you.

Joel Embiid is the NBA’s greatest gift

Y’all can say whatever you want but I am absolutely here to do two things this week:

Get off some Pro-Philadelphia propaganda as usual and

Talk that cash-shit

Embiid is the best center in basketball. This is not up for argument. This is not a drill. He played 30-ish games last year and shoulda been the Rookie Of The Year, but I understand we are in a giving business and have to do something nice once a decade for Milwaukee.

Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Also big ups to my guy Luke Walton who thought it was smart to leave Julius Randle on Embiid for an an entire quarter. This ain’t about Boogie Cousins, this ain’t about KAT or that other dude in New York. This is about the future. This is about Philly.

I AM SORRY BUT IF THE BASKETBALL TEAM IN YOUR CITY DOES NOT HAVE A 7’3 CENTER MADE OF VOLTRON PARTS FROM OLAJUWON, SHAQ AND STEPH CURRY I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR YOUR INPUT. IF YOUR CENTER DIDN’T DROP 46-15-7-7 YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.

This is what Sam Hinkie died for. Raise them cats. Trust the Process. The ghost of Allen Iverson is now with the heart of Cameroon. We can only pray Embiid gets a tat of Hinkie on his forehead so we know it’s real. 215 forever.

Verdict: Hot Fire

Before we move on, a note from management:

I am here to rant about the Dilly Dilly, by Nate Scott

This isn't even my column and I don't care. I'm grabbing the mic here, because I feel like the one sane man in an insane world.

 Guys, are we doing the Dilly Dilly thing? Are we really fucking doing this? Seriously. Look me in the eye. Right in the eye. We're doing this? As a culture, we are deciding we're in on the Dilly Dilly thing?

I don't even care about craft beer, which I guess the commercial is trying to shit on. I actually drink Bud Light because I'm a simpleton and cheap and it's fine.

youtube

The main problem here is that this shit. Is. Not. Funny. It's not even remotely funny. It's a dude saying two made up words, and repeating them over and over again so us morons of the world have it hammered into our brain and think it's funny, or something. Actually, I'm pretty sure we don't even think it's funny. It's just something we can remember and say and have it be something other people know, so they can acknowledge us and we can feel acknowledged. It is a drunk cry for help. It is a scream to the void for some small recognition of one’s existence.

It's the same way pop radio works. They just play a song over and over again until we accept that it's good, except we don't even think it's good, we just sort of have it become part of us and then sing along to it to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves, maybe. I don't know. This is all dark, and sad, and it's playing into the very horrifying solitude and despair that is contemporary American life. Look at us: We are seizing on nonsense phrases and repeating them back to ourselves so that we may, if only for a moment, feel less alone. You know what, King? I like Bud Light, but fuck it. Throw me into the pit of despair.

Verdict on beer: V V Good

Verdict on Dilly Dilly: **flips double birds**

...Tyler back now. Sorry about that.

What’s a Cowboy to an Eagle?

I don’t even know where Texas is. I don’t know what Dallas is. But what I do know is: that shitty ass rotting piece of gum y’all have as an owner ain’t finna save you from this ass-whippin comin on OUUUUUU SUNDAY NIGHT.

Yakubian Warren Moon aka Yung GingerSnaps aka Carson Kick Ass bout to set your secondary ablaze. As a reminder, I am only here to talk that cash shit. And one of my favorite hobbies happens to involve this mysterious team that’s not 8-1.

This will honestly be the first time I select a white quarterback over a black quarterback when it comes to success in the box score. I have reckoned with that. It upsets my spirit. But I am here to say CARSON WENTZ FINNA FIRE OWF ON THAT ASS DAK PRESCOTT.

Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

I cannot bring myself to actively root for a man that not only represents the goodness of a state that’s barely in the union but also uses a horseshoe for a hairline. Philadelphia gave this great world democracy, cheesesteaks and battle rap and I’ll be damned if weak ass Jerruh Jones and Dak Prescott ruin the greastest gift football has ever known since August 2017: the Philadelphia Eagles.

This does not mean I forgive Donovan McNabb for being hot garbage juice in the 4th quarter of the 2004 Super Bowl. It does mean I am willing to accept my reparations in the form of another chance at glory. **Cracks 18 Bud Lights** Dilly, Dilly.

Verdict on the Cowboys: The most trash there’s ever been

Verdict on the Eagles: God’s greatest gift

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.

0 notes