#like by no means is this the worst i've ever been. i'm chillin.

[hurglewurm]

bro when u are trying so hard to curate ur life experience so u don't go insane but the insanity comes from within

#i have been experiencing severe intrusive thoughts xoxo #when u feel urself get triggered when nothing is happening and u look inwards and it's You??? it's smth in there???? #and ur like WHO IS THAT?????? and it's you. like #does this make sense. #hurgle says things #was it earlier this year that i was starting to feel like i wasn't actually mentally ill lmao #like by no means is this the worst i've ever been. i'm chillin. #but at this point i'm like. oh this might be a Bigger Problem. #and i don't want that ! no thanks x #if i never look at it or get it diagnosed it's not real am i right babes ! #(don't live like me. go to the doctor.) #(don't keep things from ur therapist. or if ur brain deletes them when u need to speak abt them write them down)

[cas-coding]

list of my stims and tics to show you you're not alone.

i probably pass for neurotypical in many environments i enter, and i realize the privilege that i have because of this, but that does not mean that i am neurotypical. i have been diagnosed with GAD, depression, OCD, gender dysphoria, ARFID, and am waiting on an autism diagnosis appt later this year.

my point of making this list is to help anyone feel less alone than they might have felt before. even if you can't see me stimming or ticcing, i am, and that means that anyone could be stimming or ticcing along with you and you might not notice. you are not alone.

but here's my current list of stims, tics, and echolalia <3

wiggling my toes, specifically trying to position the seam of my sock into a certain position

kicking my foot. i have a friend who makes fun of me for kicking her all the time, but she knows it's a tic and i can't help it and the teasing is all in good fun

adjusting how i'm sitting. this is a big one if i have a large temperature fluctuation!! (and i'm not talking like oh, i'm uncomfortable with how i'm sitting, i'll adjust type deal. i'm talking every two minutes im like swinging my knee over my shoulder to get a better position)

hitting my hip. this happens a lot when i am stressed, especially if it is due to my own mistake.

shaking out my hand. this is a calming action, typically one i do in loud environments or when i have to eat a food i don't feel comfortable eating. in severe cases, i shake both hands rather violently. (i once shook so hard i had to wear wrist brace for a week)

putting my hand in a fist and nodding it. as a child i was told this was sign language for yes, but i have no idea if that's accurate or not. i've had this stim since i was nine as a nonspeaking way of showing my extreme excitement for something.

twirling my hair, occasionally pulling it. i have curls and so while it looks like i'm just touching up some curls, it typically is a tic that happens when i am very uncomfortable.

scrunching up my face and shaking my head. this can range from looking like a cute anime sneeze to a straight up meltdown. this happens when i am trying to tell someone no and they do not listen to me.

chewing my fingernails and the skin around them. this is by far the worst stress reaction i have, but it's also become a grounding technique. i've done this ever since i was little to stop dissociating as the pain will typically pull me from that headspace.

squishing my stomach. this is associated with eating and feeling unhealthy.

repeating the phrase 'mish mish.' i saw it on a tumblr post about two months ago as a way someone was referring to misha and now i say it as a comfort phrase. if someone could tell me why i latched onto this specifically that would be great.

humming, but not a specific tune. i typically try to find the pitch of whatever is bothering me most (like if there's a tornado test siren) as a way to feel like i control that stimulus.

just making sounds. you all know the sounds i am talking about. thee sounds

but, by far, my biggest and most frequent tic is neck tensing. this one is borderline dangerous. first my neck tenses up and then my head will shake, just a little bit until i either a) manage to stop by some miracle or b) my neck grows so tense i get stuck in a little sideways tilt for about 30 minutes.

other general sensory issues i have:

clothing texture

overlapping noise

watching tv without subtitles. literally cannot do this

the texture of whatever i am standing on (i'm not kidding, i will literally only wear fuzzy socks bc of this)

body temperature

tastes and textures of foods

restraining or constricting physical touch (for example: hand on the shoulder? so chillin. hug? i think the fuck not)

END OF LIST

#neurodivergent #stimming #tics #undiagnosed autism