#last week I had the PERFECT bag of mandarin oranges

[ukulelekatie]

you ever buy some fruit from the store that turns out to be particularly good for no reason so you get obsessed and go back to the same store and buy a shit ton more of the exact same fruit but somehow it isn’t the same and now you’re stuck with all this mediocre disappointing fruit?

#last week I had the PERFECT bag of mandarin oranges #they were juicy and sweet and perfectly ripe and so delicious #and I was so excited to get more #this week’s mandarin oranges? dry. tart. hard to peel #just katie things

[vcg73]

Witch!Kurt #42: The Calm Before the Storm

As promised, I got back to work on this.  :)

~*~*~*~*~*~

Adam hummed as he moved through the kitchen, fetching plates, cups, and cutlery from their cabinets and drawers before dishing up the two servings of eggs and sausage links he’d just finished cooking.

He pulled a large orange from the refrigerator and cut it into halves, placing one on each plate. He really preferred grapefruit, but Kurt hated even the scent of them, so he compromised by purchasing a large bag of Mandarins on his last shopping trip. It made him feel better, since Kurt had ceased purchasing his own former staple of strawberries once he had discovered that Adam was allergic. Adam had insisted that there was no need for Kurt to give up a favorite food, and Kurt had made a noise of agreement but Adam had noticed soon afterward that their grocery list never had that particular fruit on it anymore. The bottle of strawberry pancake syrup that had formerly graced their little condiment shelf had also mysteriously vanished. It was the sort of sweet gesture that his husband tended to make without thought, and Adam was determined to show that he appreciated it in just as subtle a fashion. He refused to be another one of those people in Kurt’s life who took his generous nature for granted.

Pouring a steaming cup of tea for himself and coffee for Kurt, he smiled at how delightfully domestic this was. Other than company, the thing he had missed most during his seemingly endless span in the emptiness of the Void was simply having something to do. Getting his hands on some small chore and keeping busy with it. Adam had never been an idler, never one to just sit quietly with his hands folded and wait for something to come along. From earliest childhood, he had been a doer, taking satisfaction from playing games, cooking meals, scribbling notes, inventing choreography, learning some new skill, or sorting out an activity for others. He and Kurt had that in common, along with having work and living spaces that tended to stay tidy and well organized, though neither took it to neat-freak levels. Adam had missed being able to set his hand to a thing and see it completed, and a small part of him thrilled at the mundane little task.

It bothered him more than he liked to admit that he was still slightly off his game when it came to getting his nerve up for comings and goings beyond the loft, even after six months back in the real world, but having a full time stay-at-home job now helped immensely. Most of his daylight hours were kept busy making calls, booking online appointments, and sorting out talent for various casting calls about town. It made him feel useful again, and after only two months on the job, he was already earning praise from his employers and glowing reviews from their clients. That little boost to his self-esteem was making him bolder about going outdoors and meeting people again. Now that winter was over, greenery was beginning to pop up everywhere and the days were becoming mild and pleasant, beckoning him to take a nice walk through the park, or down to Bui’s for a spot of tea on his lunch hour. He no longer worked for Mrs. Bui, having given up his position as stock-boy to an eager young high schooler once his schedule with H&B had been set, but he still liked to pop round for a hot cup, two or three delicious chocolate biccies, and a nice gossip.

And then there was Kurt. How lucky he felt each day to wake up to the sight of that beautiful face on the pillow next to his, to phone him at lunchtime to say ‘how are you’, ‘what would you like for dinner’, and ‘I love you’. Such simple words, but so full of delight to them both. And he liked to be here, finishing up his work for the day, or bustling about getting the evening meal when it was his turn to cook, having it ready when Kurt came home from work or school, and seeing his face light up with joy at the sight of him.

“Hello, husband,” Kurt would say, with that loving look in his beautiful eyes as he came forward for a kiss and a fond embrace. “How was your day?”  

Kurt took positive delight in that greeting, and Adam enjoyed hearing it just as much. He supposed over time the shiny newness of being married would wear off, but for now it was still great fun.

Adam buttered four newly popped slices of toast and once again divided them between the waiting plates, adding a quick smear of marmalade to his own half and a dribble of honey to Kurt’s. He added a bit of honey to his tea as well, then used the spoon he’d stirred it with to mix a helping of nonfat creamer and a packet of sweetener into the coffee. He took a small sip of the latter to test the level of sweetness, and then grimaced, wondering what he’d been thinking as he took a quick swig of tea to banish the taste. Kurt had grown up drinking Burt Hummel’s noxious brew, and he still preferred his coffee strong enough to degrease an engine or melt the spines off a cactus.

“Breakfast is ready, husband of mine,” he said, setting a plate and the coffee on Kurt’s side of the breakfast table just in time to greet him with a kiss as he wandered out from the bathroom, wearing a towel about his waist, skin fresh and still ever so slightly damp after showering.

Kurt kissed him back with a smile and immediately went for the cup, taking an experimental sip followed by a large happy slurp. “Mmm, this is great!” he said. “You used hazelnut creamer, didn’t you?”

Vaguely amused at his enthusiasm, Adam said, “I did. I used that cocoa infused espresso you bought last trip, and I thought hazelnut would be a nice complement to it.”

“Nutella in a cup,” he sighed blissfully, belting back another swallow. He kissed Adam again, on the cheek this time and said, “Be right back.”

Kurt disappeared into the bedroom, and Adam had just enough time to top up his cup and add another good dollop of creamer before Kurt emerged again wearing a smart new outfit of gray checked trousers, black shoes and belt, and a shimmery green, patterned button down. Now that he had truly got the hang of using his assorted magics, Kurt could get himself dressed for the day in the literal blink of an eye. The only delay would be in choosing which outfit to wear. It was the one power that Adam envied him, though he doubted that even being able to instantly don and discard clothing would give him the impeccably chic and polished look that Kurt always had.

After all, even his own power to whisk his hair into order with a thought did not give him the ability to look sexily tumbled when rising from his pillow of a morning the way Kurt typically did. Adam usually looked as though he’d received electric shock until he got himself under a hot shower, and he knew he could potter around in his closet for a good half hour trying on assorted items and still look like he’d just escaped from a harrowing ride through a clothes dryer. Lucky for him that Kurt found the rumpled look attractive.

“What’s funny?” Kurt asked, sitting down to breakfast. He hadn’t been gone long enough for the food to grow cold and he tucked in with an appreciative appetite.

Adam just waved a hand. “Oh nothing. Just musing about how unfairly gorgeous you are for first thing in the morning.”

Flattered, he blushed a bit, his eyes sparkling at the compliment. “You look nice too.”  

And he did. Adam had a video call with a producer this morning, someone his agency had landed for casting of a big-budget film. Adam’s job was simply to take down the particulars of cast size, shooting schedule, and what sort of roles they were looking to fill, and then he would take down their availability and set up a second meeting with one of H&B’s more senior casting agents. But even that required a bit more spit and polish than usual.

He told Kurt as much. “I must let them see that Hanover & Bradley is a posh firm, even down to the lowliest of booking clerks.” He straightened his black and gold striped tie before lifting his nose in the air and sticking his pinky out with extreme dignity as he took a sip from his teacup.

As he had expected, Kurt laughed. “Well, I’m sure they’ll appreciate it. I wish it wasn’t considered unprofessional to suggest casting yourself. I glanced at the script spec you were reading last night and that movie sounds right up your alley.”

Adam smiled. “Appreciated, but I don’t think I’m quite ready for the chaos of a film set yet. Though I must admit that I have been growing bolder of late. I’ve been considering scraping the rust off of my acting skills and joining the Lightning Circle for one or two evenings a week.”

For a moment Kurt looked blank, but then he brightened as the name clicked. “That’s the Improv group that your friend Joey runs, isn’t it?” At Adam’s nod, he clasped his hands. “Adam, that would be amazing! It’s a perfect way to stick a toe in the water and find out whether or not you’d be comfortable on stage again. Joey was an Apple, so he’ll totally get it if you’re not quite ready to get out in public yet. You two were really close during my freshman year, so I imagine it would be like slipping into a favorite pair of shoes to work with him again. It won’t even matter if you’re rusty, because figuring your way around an awkward moment is the whole idea of Improv.”  

Adam beamed at his support. “Exactly right. I had a talk with Janice during my last session about wanting to take baby steps back toward my aborted career. She suggested testing the waters in some small way, then reporting back on how it went. I was thinking Community Theater, or joining the Lexington retirees for one of their in-house productions, or a sketch comedy night somewhere. Then I recalled Joe telling us at the last Apples get-together that he’s renting a space in the Village. His troupe rehearses a few nights a week and performs on Sunday evenings. They write sketches, work out the framing, and then sort of fill in the blanks before an audience. I know for certain that I’m welcome to join.”

Kurt was grinning. “Then you should totally do it. Maybe we could start by attending a performance on the weekend, just to see what it’s like. That way you can make an informed decision about whether or not it’s something you want to do. I think it would be so good for you, honey. I know how refreshing it can be to put your problems aside and just be someone else for a little while. Plus it sounds like a lot of fun!”

Pleased at how easily Kurt had not only accepted the plan but dove straight in with his support, Adam said, “So, it’s a date then?” 

Privately he was thinking that if this worked out, it might be a bit of fun they could do together. The others always asked after Kurt, and seemed quite interested in his progress at NYADA, so they would be glad to have him.

“It’s a date,” Kurt confirmed. Munching the last bite of his breakfast, he glanced at his phone on the table beside him and made a startled sound. “Oh, gosh! Is that the time already? Isabelle asked me to help choose the summer dress selections for the website today and I don’t want to be late.”

Adam nodded. He needed to get himself ready for the meeting soon as well. “Have fun and I’ll see you this afternoon. Is it your turn for dinner tonight?”

“It was, but I’ll do it tomorrow. Brittany called earlier and asked if she, Santana, and Tubbington could join us. They’ll pick up something from the Golden Lotus on the way here.”

He was used to this. Members of their witch family dropped by at odd hours all the time and usually brought food with them, so Adam nodded. “I’ll text and ask them for an order of sweet and sour, or maybe some General Tso. That pineapple and green pepper concoction they picked out the last time was revolting. I was belching peppers for two days straight.”

Kurt laughed. “I already asked. Santana likes that stuff, but Brittany agrees with you, and of course Tubbington would probably stage a revolt if they didn’t get his beloved Kung Pao Chicken, so nobody balked at my request to add Pork Fried Rice and General Tsao.”

Taking one last swig of coffee, Kurt took his dishes to the kitchen, then hurried to the bathroom to quickly brush his teeth. Giving his husband a minty kiss goodbye, Kurt grabbed his bag and a light jacket and was out the door.

Adam stared fondly after him for a moment, then willed the magical ward back into place and went to his own work.

~*~*~*~*~

“What’s happened?” Adam asked when Kurt came through the door without his usual cheerful greeting. 

The buoyant mood Kurt had left home with this morning had transformed throughout the day into a feeling of tense foreboding that had been palpable the moment he walked in the door. Before that, actually. A more tamped-down version had been singing along their emotional bond for the past couple of hours. 

Adam found himself wondering if their idyllic breakfast this morning had just been the calm before some great storm. Whatever it was, he suspected that their Sunday theater plans had just been cancelled. “Is something wrong in Ohio?”

“No,” Kurt said, speaking the word with a hint of hesitation. He made an impatient gesture with his hands as he amended it to, “Not exactly. Nothing’s really wrong, but I had a text from Sue Sylvester today and I suspect it’s no coincidence that she sent it to me on the same day Brittany and Santana suddenly decided to drop by for dinner.”

Adam agreed that this was unlikely. Sue had kept her promise to keep tabs on the Blaine situation for them, but she wasn’t the ‘just dropping a friendly line’ sort of person. “What did it say?”

Pulling out his phone, Kurt showed him the message. ‘Red Alert. Paddington has taken a flea dip.’ “What on earth?”

“Sue always codes her messages,” Kurt explained. “She thinks satellites are sharing them with the C.I.A. or something. Paddington is the nickname she gave to Dave Karofsky after he came out as gay. Y’know, as in a baby bear.”

Adam snorted, picturing the hulking young man he had briefly glimpsed on his aborted surveillance trip to Lima dressed in a duffel coat, red hat and wellies. “So in her own peculiar way, she’s telling you that Dave has rid himself of a certain pest?”

“That’s how I read it,” Kurt agreed. “He must have broken up with Blaine. Either he shook off Blaine’s persuasive influence somehow, or he just wasn’t as taken in by it as we assumed. I’d be interested to find out what happened. The important thing for now is that if Dave is gone, then Blaine doesn’t have anyone handy to power-dump his stolen magic into. That might make Blaine vulnerable.”

“Or it might make him more of a problem,” Adam reminded him, willing away the shiver of apprehension that skittered down his spine at Kurt’s words. “If Blaine has suddenly found himself alone and forced to return to what Santana colorfully calls the ‘snatch and splooge’ technique of transferring power, he could be extremely dangerous.”

Kurt shook his head. “That’s assuming he hasn’t stored power in half the innocent Standards in Lima. He was always unnaturally good at swaying a crowd to his side, long before the soul-polluting began. He’s a lot easier to deal with one on one than with a pack of supporters behind him. Especially ones who are convinced against all logic and evidence that he can do no wrong.”

Reading his meaning in that, Adam said flatly, “You are not going to face him alone, Kurt.”

“Well, I’m not sending you to spy on him again,” Kurt countered with a trace of heat. “I don’t want you going anywhere near him.”

“Nor I you, so if you think I’m going to just sit here safely on the sidelines while that nasty blighter attacks you, then …”

“Adam, I’ll be at twice as much risk if I’m worrying about what might happen to you,” Kurt interrupted. “I’m not an idiot. I know how dangerous he can be, and that you both want and deserve to be with me when I face him, but he nearly killed you once, and then just seeing him for an instant all but paralyzed you! The last time you two were face to face, you were at full strength and he still nearly destroyed you. What if he finds out that you’re not only still alive, but that I’ve married you, and once and for all torpedoed his plans for me? He’ll go berserk and I don’t want to risk him taking that out on you. If I put you in his line of sight, I might as well be pulling the trigger on you myself.”

Adam wanted to argue back that he would be equally devastated if Kurt were to face their enemy alone and be killed or sent to the Void. Which might well be the same thing, since none of their group might be able to find and rescue him if he were to be banished to that place without an anchor. But Kurt would resist such reasoning. For all his instinctive mother-henning of loved ones, he could be remarkably blind when it came to his own well-being.

“Darling, what with all the Lima people who came to our reception, I highly doubt that Blaine has remained oblivious to my miraculous return from the great beyond. I’m safer with you, and the members of our coven, than I ever would be alone.” He struggled to keep his voice calm, even though he suspected that his emotions were broadcasting loud and clear anyway. “I may not be as physically strong as I was the first time I encountered him, but magically I’ve grown stronger. One of the upsides to being part of a good coven. Since Joining with you, I’ve gained new levels of control. But what you’re forgetting is that neither one of us is in this alone. We have a group of excellent witches and Familiars at our back, as well as friends and family. It may turn out that Blaine has put together an army of brain-washed sycophants, but if the Intelligence we’ve received thus far is true, then we also have Coach Sylvester’s magically-inclined Cheerio squad to counter them.”

As he had hoped, Kurt responded to the logic of this statement. “That’s true,” he said slowly. “I hate the idea of putting kids at risk, but I’d put my money on the Cheerios over Blaine’s personal Fight Club any day of the week.”

“I wouldn’t discount Sebastian’s influence over his former prep-school peers either,” Adam pressed. “Or for that matter Finn and Sam’s influence over your old Glee Club, which might even have countered Blaine’s a bit. Just because you’ve been left with that self-enamored tosser as your sole responsibility in the past, doesn’t mean you still are. You were a lone ship on a stormy ocean once upon a time, Kurt, but now you’re the captain of a veritable armada, and the rest of us are just waiting for an order to fire a shot across Blaine’s bow.”

Kurt’s mouth, which had fallen open during Adam’s impassioned speech, clicked shut and he gave him a wan smile. “I’m not sure you aren’t being just a little too optimistic here, but you have a good point.” The smile widened. “You like to claim that you’re not much of an orator, but you give a darned good rallying speech.”

“I think so too,” Santana said by way of greeting, making the two of them jump in surprise as she opened the door and walked casually into their discussion. Kurt had dropped the ward as he came inside, and left it down knowing his friends would be arriving right on his heels. “And he’s right, oh Captain my Captain. If you go back to Lima and cut us out of all the fun after keeping us waiting for months to kick Anderson’s bubble butt, we’ll disown you and elect a new coven leader. I hear Drumsticks has his eye on the spot.”

“Johnny? But he never…oh,” Kurt said in chagrin, laughing a little when he realized she was teasing. “I guess I’m being kind of stupid.”

“Never bothered us before,” she replied, a wicked twinkle in her eye. “I take it you heard from Sue?”

Brittany and Tubbington, who had come in behind her, put their sacks of food down on the kitchen island and Brittany said, “She sent us a message this morning before I called. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything then.”

“Paddington?” Adam queried, wondering if they’d got the same text Kurt had.

Tubbington gave him a frown and said, “Dawn Patrol”.

Not as familiar with Coach Sylvester’s unique personal code as the rest of them, Adam said, “What does that mean?”

“Be on alert because it might be time to come to Lima and get Blaine out of everybody’s way,” Santana translated casually.

Seeing his confusion, Kurt said, “Dawn. You know, as in the dish-washing soap that’s supposed to be extra good at clearing away greasy messes? It … never mind. The point is that Blaine has been dumped, and Coach thinks it might have him off balance enough for us to make our move.” He looked at their guests and said, “Adam was reminding me that we’re a team and that Blaine is no longer just my problem.”

“He’s right, Junior,” Tubbington garbled as he pulled a steaming box and a pair of chopsticks out of the nearest bag and stuffed a large bite of food into his mouth while he spoke. “I been keeping tabs on your family through Sebastian and he tells me that Blaine has already started sniffing around your house now that Sam is living there again.”

“What?” Kurt said in alarm, jumping up from the chair he had just taken.

Brittany patted his arm. “Don’t worry, nobody is in danger. That’s part of what we wanted to tell you tonight. Your dad has Fam, that’s what Sam and Finn call themselves when they’re not being individuals, did you know that? Anyway, Burt has made them wear that cologne Adam made for him at Christmas, just to be safe. He offered some to Sebastian too, but a Familiar can’t be influenced by Wild Magics so he didn’t need it.”

“I should mix them up a fresh batch if Burt is sharing,” Adam mused, already considering ways he might beef up the recipe while still keeping the cologne smelling pleasant. Having been victim to Blaine’s venomous influence once, Sam and Finn might be more than usually vulnerable, and that wasn’t a risk he wanted to take. “Perhaps I could mix it into a deodorant, so there would be no danger of anyone forgetting to wear the potion. ‘Magical Musk for Men’, or some such.”

“You should do it,” Santana agreed, shrugging when she saw that nobody was bothering with food except for the always voracious Lord Tubbington, and going for plates and forks, which she spread around the table before helping herself to a serving of fried rice. “The old stuff does its job, though. Sebastian reported to L.T. that Blaine showed up at the house last night, God only knows why, and Burt met him at the door with a wicked set of hedge-clippers in hand.”

She cackled at the thought and everyone else had to grin at the picture it painted when Brittany added, “Your dad told him he’d had a feeling that it was time to prune away the obnoxious weeds that were in his yard. Then he clacked the blades just a couple of inches from Blaine’s crotch and stared him down until he ran off.”

“Didn’t stop moving until he hit the Lima Bean, from what I hear,” L.T. said with satisfaction, treating them all to a window-shaking belch as he picked a stray vegetable from his beard and popped it into his mouth. “Damn, that’s great. The Lotus must have a new chef.”

Kurt, no longer surprised that his father hadn’t reported the visit, sighed and sad down, taking a spoonful of rice and another of steaming beef & broccoli. Adam and Brittany likewise sat down and helped themselves to a serving of mouthwatering entrees. Adam happily sailed into the box of spicy chicken, also accepting a spoonful of beef & broccoli when Kurt shook the box with an inquiring look. Santana pulled out a second container of Kung Pao, having known from experience that nobody else would have a chance at the initial serving of Tubbington’s favorite, and passed it around.

“If Blaine is already trying to get in good with Sam again,” Kurt mused after a moment, “then it really does support the idea that losing Dave must have come as an unpleasant shock. To his ego if not his magic-stealing. There’s no way he could know that Sam isn’t alone anymore, right?”

“No,” Adam said, “I’m sure he doesn’t know. After all, he believes that he murdered Finn, just as he thinks he did to me. But if he’s seen him around Lima, then even without Sight he must realize that Sam is suddenly a good bit healthier than he was when their friendship was broken off. I could see so clearly, and I don’t even know the poor fellow well.”

Brittany nodded. “We went to visit my folks a couple of weeks ago and I looked in on Fam. Sam’s almost back to his old self again. You did a really good thing for him when you joined him with Finn.”

“Technically that was Sebastian’s idea,” Kurt said, giving credit where it was due. “And all of you helped.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one who actually did the heavy lifting,” Santana countered, having no patience for self-effacement. Not when it came to an act of combined delicacy and power, not to mention personal risk, that had left even her cynical self in awe. Sounding baffled by her next words, she added, “And Finn is happy riding around in the back of Sam’s brain. I thought sure he’d be going crazy by now, given how much he liked being the center of attention back in high school. Instead he seems to think he’s some kind of secret agent. As long as Sam lets him take the wheel and do what he wants a couple of times a day, he doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck that nobody else knows they’re taking to Finn Hudson, ex Lima superstar.”

“I suspect without the influence of power-hungry girlfriends, he’s actually happier out of the spotlight,” Kurt said dryly. “He liked being part of the Quarterback-Head Cheerleader power couple, until it became more pressure than fun. Then he hooked up with Rachel and she was a cattle prod in the backside as far as the craving for fame and popularity went. It wasn’t until they went long-distance and Finn didn’t have anyone to give him orders, or any independent direction of his own, that he kind of crashed.”

Brittany nodded. “And Sam always felt more comfortable having an image to hide behind, so he probably likes being able to sit back and let Finn take over some of the time.” She smiled gently. “I think the people who used to know them both are a little confused, though. People never seem to see things clearly without a map.”

Remembering some of the mind-bending leaps of logic this woman had taken in the years he had known her, Kurt had to agree. Brittany always saw things clearly, it was one reason she had the most powerful gifts of Sight and magical intuition he had yet encountered, but unfortunately her idea of clarity rarely matched up with anyone else’s. At least not without a lot of practice in translating her thoughts. He had become far better at ‘speaking Brit’ over this past year than he had ever done when they were schoolmates.

“Makes sense,” he said. “Okay, so assuming my family is safe, Fam’s secret is still intact, and Blaine is beginning to lose control, how much time do you think we have to deal with this?”

“Not long, I would say,” Adam said, brow furrowing in thought. “When I confronted him two years ago, he panicked and went into immediate attack mode. Same with your brother. If he’s reeling from the insult of being dumped, and possibly from the withdrawal of whatever power he’d stored up in your friend Dave … well, I fear we’ve left this kettle boiling too long as it is.”

Tubbington cut in, “Oh, he’ll be feeling it, I’m sure of that. I don’t know if that other kid is still in town or not, but if he broke off their relationship it’s a cinch Dave’s not willing to let Blaine cozy up for a nice easy power withdrawal. Whatever magic had been stored in him would have started draining away almost immediately once he was at a safe distance.” 

At Kurt’s querying noise, Adam said, “As you know, magic has a shelf-life. We can only do so much before we’re either starving or exhausted from having used up our reserves. Storing magic in a prepared object allows it to stay viable for a while, like storing perishables in the freezer. But storing it in a person would mean using their physical reserves. Like storing those perishables in a hot garage. The power would begin to ‘go bad’ in a very short amount of time, and while the vessel could be damaged in the long term, they could also be helped by it in the short.”

“In what way?” Kurt asked, resting his elbows on the table and pressing his lips to steepled fingers as he unconsciously adopted a studying pose.

Santana answered, “Like, if Sam had been critically injured and Blaine had siphoned a portion of his own power, his own life-force, into him to keep him alive until they could get medical help, that would be okay. Noble, even. Not that something that selfless would ever occur to him.”

Tubbington agreed, “I’ve been around long enough to see that happen a couple of times, but before the human litter-box came along, I’d never even heard of a witch, regular or Wild, stealing magic from other witches without their knowledge and power-dumping it into some poor unwitting Standard. Only to steal that power back for their own personal use with no thought as to how much damage they were causing. That he did it to supposed loved ones?” He made a sound that suggested he was about to reject the box of Chinese food he had just inhaled.

“The sorts of things we can do as witches gives us an advantage over the majority of society,” Adam resumed. “And it is widely accepted throughout the community that that sort of privilege gives us a firm ethical responsibility to not misuse our power, nor go mucking about in the lives of Standards. I have wondered from time to time if the general bias against the weak, uncontrolled power of most Wild witches hasn’t led to the rest of us dropping the ball there. After all, if one never knows they’re a witch, how is one to develop the ethical foundation that is, quite frankly, expected of us? Blaine Anderson is an extreme case of self-aggrandizing moral decay, but I doubt he’s alone in it.”

“Well, there’s a cheerful thought,” Santana said sourly. “You’re saying all this is somehow our fault?”

Surprising them all, Kurt who said, “No. I spent months, years even, blaming myself for all the crap Blaine pulled when we were together. I’ve finally accepted that I wasn’t responsible for his actions or responses, only for my own. I’m not going back to thinking otherwise. Blaine was hypocritical, oblivious to other people’s feelings, and painfully self-absorbed long before he and I first started having problems. I was just too infatuated at first, and too emotionally beaten down later, to actually see it. I suspect from certain things he’s told me about his childhood that he always has been that way.”

Adam nodded. “True, and we’re speaking of Blaine as though he were a child, with no ability to recognize how destructive his behavior has been. He’s not.”

Brittany nodded. “There are a lot of bad people out in the world who got there without any help from magic. People who commit terrible crimes every day. Blaine is just doing his the easy way.”

Making a frustrated motion with his hands, Kurt said, “If the magical community is at fault in any way, it’s in not actually behaving as a community. NYADA is as much a school for witches as a school for performing artists, but you’d never know it until something goes wrong.”

“Do you know they actually had the nerve to send us a sternly worded letter after our wedding, admonishing us for performing a Major Working without a senior coven official present?” Adam said to Santana, Brittany, and Tubbington in response to his husband’s disgusted tone. “Basically they scolded us for not asking permission. Kurt was ready to go down to NYADA on the spot, likely leaving a few scorch marks in his wake, but I convinced him to not ruin a promising academic career, and to take a different approach.”

Smiling slightly, having come to appreciate Adam’s occasionally twisted sense of humor, Santana said, “What did you do to them?”

He blinked at her with calculated innocence in his too-wide blue eyes. “I merely passed the letter over to Gran, with a gentle hint that she wasn’t being properly respected for her status as a Senior level witch, and reminding her that Carmen and her crew never did apologize for their laxity in my own rescue.”

She laughed, “Oh, you are evil!”

Kurt laughed as well. “We got another letter that same week advising us to ‘please disregard the former missive’ and congratulating us on our wedding and a ‘difficult job well done’.”

“Honestly it was as close to groveling as I ever expect to see from the Almighty Carmen,” Adam chuckled. “Gran must have given them a tongue-lashing they’ll never forget.”

A sigh came from Kurt. “That’s what’s so frustrating, though! If powerful coven leaders like Madame Tibideaux, whose business is supposed to be education, would only make it their mission to trade information, help those who need it and make sure nobody falls through the cracks the way Finn and I almost did, and assessing and training those with power without treating those with unusual types of magic as second-class or unimportant, the world would be a much better place. They have the power, and they could make sure that cases like Blaine’s wouldn’t happen, because someone would always have their eyes open to step in and redirect someone who’s going the wrong way before they turn into a complete disaster.”

A swift interested chain reaction of glances and nods passed between his companions. Every good coven eventually developed a higher purpose, something beyond mere friendship and the occasional Major Working. Kurt had, without quite realizing it, just hit upon theirs. Their peculiar mixture of powers and creative problem-solving, Adam’s interest in the history of witchcraft, Johnny’s fascination with the mechanics of spell crafting, the unexpected co-mingling of Animagus and Purebred Familiars, Kurt’s own seeming magnetism toward all manner of people, both magical and Standard, drawing even Wild witches and the extremely rare Magic Dampers into his sphere; all spoke to the blending of a wider, more open overall community.

Oblivious to their silent communication, Kurt went on, “I guess that’s why I still feel like confronting Blaine is up to me. Or rather, to us.”

“Well, you know you can count me in,” Lord Tubbington said. “I’ve wanted to flex my claws on that ugly little scratching post since the first time I saw him.”

“Mine too,” Brittany said with no trace of irony. “I knew he was up to something bad the first time he came to Glee Club dressed like male Rachel.”

Still smirking a bit, Santana said, “I’ve been waiting to kick his ass since last Thanksgiving. What do you say, Kurt?”

He nodded. "Let’s get Dani, Johnny, Monica, and Elliott over here. I think it’s time we put together a plan.”

THE END

#Witch!Kurt #Kadam fic #One Three Hill Coven #Kurt Hummel/Adam Crawford #not Blaine or klaine friendly

[moonbeambucky]

The Price of Gold - Epilogue

Pairing: Lance Tucker x Reader Word Count: 3973 Warnings: fluff

Summary: As a sports journalist you’ve traveled the world interviewing famous athletes. You’ve loved your job up until you find out your next article is on the last person in the world you ever wanted to talk to, Lance Tucker.

A/N: I can’t believe this is over! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported this! This fic has been my life for the past few months and it really means so much to me! Written for @green-eyeddragonfanfiction Dragon’s 3k Follower Creative Content Challenge. My prompt was “I can’t be in love with you!” gif source (x) 

PART 18 | THE PRICE OF GOLD MASTERLIST

Saturdays were the busiest day for Tucker Gymnastics, with most parents available on the weekend to accompany their kids as they learned gymnastics from one of the very best in the field. On this particular Saturday the center was closed for a private event, one that would show no profits but make Lance Tucker’s heart richer with love.

Ariel Tucker, named after her mother’s favorite mermaid, was turning two years old today and Lance closed the center to the public to finally give Ariel her first official gymnastics lesson.

Waking up slowly you felt Lance’s chest pressed to your back, hearing his soft snores made your lips curve into smile with a sudden urge to look at his face. Shifting on to your back Lance inhaled stiffly, the corners of his lips pulling upwards as he nuzzled against you again.

“Good morning beautiful,” he said in a raspy whisper, his eyes still closed. It was the way he greeted you every morning since you moved in together and you never got tired of hearing it.

Within two years of dating you and Lance were married. It was the wedding you always dreamed of. Held at an estate south of Spring Hill you were married with an ocean backdrop, a cool breeze flowing through the air. Friends and family surrounding you to celebrate your special day, with both you and Lance shedding a few more tears than anticipated.

The moment he saw you it was like the world stopped spinning. Accompanied by your father, you glided down the aisle like an angel floating through the heavens. Wearing a strapless ivory mermaid style dress, lace and beads beautifully accentuated your body. Carrying a large bouquet of cascading flowers colored like the beautiful sunset behind him Lance thought it was the perfect accent to a more than perfect wedding– that is until you stood before him.

The tears that had formed in his eyes suddenly dropped down his cheeks as he smiled at the delicate pearls around your neck. They were Dorothy’s, given to you after her passing as part of her wishes. You knew the significance, these were the pearls Lance’s Grandma Ruth had worn on her wedding which she passed down to Dorothy for her wedding who always knew she would give it to you.

You choked back your own tears, smiling as you and Lance held each other’s hands during the ceremony, knowing how lucky you were that after half of your lives apart you found each other again.

“Good morning baby,” you replied, scratching your fingers through his hair, enjoying the surprisingly peaceful morning for as long as you could.

He was in need of a haircut, letting the time in between appointments go longer than he was used to. He didn’t mind though, his hair was the least of his concerns, not when any free time could be spent with you and Ariel. He needed a shave too, his stubble coming in a lot more than he normally let it. The combination made him look a little older but in a more distinguished way. No longer was he the spiky haired arrogant gymnast but the man you always dreamed you would grow old with (and thankfully no warts were to be found!)

“Speaking of babies,” he paused to rub his hand along your swollen belly, “How is the little guy doing?”

You were halfway through your second pregnancy, the name of your son to be determined. For now he was just “the little guy” and you were excited to welcome him as part of your growing family.

“Well he’s pressing on my bladder and if I don’t get up right this second I’m definitely going to pee on the bed,” you joked.

It was time to get up anyway, with Ariel’s giddy anticipation for her birthday you certain she would come flying into your bedroom any minute. Pushing yourself to sit up you were about to get off the bed before Lance called out for you to wait.

Turning around he stood on his knees in the center of the bed, dressed in boxers and white t-shirt, moving closer towards you for a kiss. Despite his morning breath you would have kissed him for hours, or until Ariel would undoubtedly come in, but at this moment you had to push him away as you clenched your legs together while running to the bathroom.

Lance laughed at your loud sigh of relief through the door for finally being able to pee. He laid back on the bed, his arm thrown over his eyes to block the strong morning sunlight from coming in through the window. With a smile plastered on his face Lance thought about how lucky he was to have this life.

He’s pulled from his peaceful reprieve as the pitter-patter of tiny feet echo off the wood floor, with tiny hands reaching up and grabbing the blanket. A quiet voice squeaks out a call for her Dad who turns and smiles at his little girl, lifting her up. Purple painted toes support her tiny frame that barely makes a dent on the mattress.

Born six weeks premature, Ariel required a short stay in the NICU, with you and Lance at her side every day. She made it through without any major complications except for the fact that her parents were even more overprotective of her. It was the main reason Lance hadn’t begun teaching her gymnastics.

You and Ariel visited Lance quite often at the center and she was always squirming to get out of your arms and join her Dad and the other kids for what she thought was playtime. She was so much smaller than the other children, and even though Lance would be at her side through each move he didn’t want his little girl to get hurt in any way; you both agreed she wasn’t ready yet.

Lance kissed her forehead, rolling down her Doc McStuffins pajama top that shifted up to expose her cute belly button.

“Daddy guesshwhat?”

Lance sat up against the headboard, “What is it Starfish?” he excitedly asked.

“Is my buhhthday!” she grinned, showing off her tiny teeth.

“It is?” he feigned surprise. “How old are you today?”

“I twoo!” she replied, holding up two small fingers.

“No you can’t be two! You’re my little baby,” Lance said, scooping her up into his arms as if he were cradling an infant, pressing kisses all over her face as she giggled from his ticklish stubble.

“No… I... Big... Girl,” she said in between fits of laughter.

Lance shifted Ariel so she faced him, “Okay, okay, you’re my big girl. What does my big girl want to do for her birthday?”

Ariel’s face lit up like fireworks, “Tumbwle!”

You stood in the doorframe watching their exchange, your heart growing bigger in size at the love Lance had for your daughter. He was the perfect father, loving, gentle, kind; he was the antithesis of Mitch Tucker.

“Daddy and I will take you to tumble but first we have a surprise for you!” you spoke up, your voice catching your daughter’s attention.

She jumped out of Lance’s arms, plopping down towards the end of the bed as you walked towards her. Sitting on her knees she was face to face with your large stomach and pressed a kiss to your belly.

“Good mawning bwother,” she said. For now Ariel was excited to have a sibling, once your or Lance’s attention is diverted from her there might be an issue.

Ariel was the sweetest little girl with an equal mix of Lance and your younger selves in her. She loved to sing, making up her own songs that she would perform as you and Lance sat together on the couch watching and cheering for her.

Like her namesake she was always in the water, with you and Lance playing “mermaids” with her. With floaties secured around her arms you would hold her by the waist on the surface of the water as her arms swept out in front of her with her legs wildly splashing behind. Ariel would swim to Lance and rescue him from the evil Ursula, also known as a smiling inflatable octopus pool toy.

When she was out of the water Ariel was never without her favorite teddy bear, your own childhood bear that once sat on the shelf proudly displaying Lance’s first medal, that is until Ariel made grabby hands and began to cry for the doll. The medal is now on your nightstand, hanging off a framed photo from your wedding day, a daily reminder of how far you and Lance have come.

Lance dressed Ariel as you prepared breakfast. Things had changed so much since you were a kid, now there were endless recipes on Pinterest to choose from, some you were able to master and others not so much. Today you made whole grain pancakes, pouring out two smaller circles of batter that would become the ears on the bear you were going to create. Using banana slices you placed them on the smaller pancakes as the inside of the bear’s ear, and one on the larger pancake as the snout, with chocolate chips becoming the eyes and nose.

In a small bowl was a plain yogurt with a fruit rainbow of raspberries, mandarin oranges, sliced green grapes and blueberries. So much work goes into preparing such a pretty breakfast all the time, your parents definitely had it easier.

Clinging to Lance’s frame as he went down the steps Ariel wore a coral halter romper with a hibiscus flower print and white strappy sandals with a large flower embellishment. He placed her at the table in her booster seat as she smiled at her pancakes.

“Where Teddy?” she worriedly asked before you brought him out from the table behind her.

Teddy required delicate cleaning since he was an old bear, something you occasionally did overnight as Ariel slept.

After eating and cleaning up yogurt on Ariel’s cheeks the three of you grab the bag you packed and head out to the garage. You handed Lance your car keys as you opened the door for Ariel, securing her in her car seat as Lance adjusted the mirrors.

“You know you’re gonna need a new car babe,” you said, as Lance pulled out of the garage and clicked a button for the door to close. Lance still had his convertible Mustang though the top has been up every time he’s driven with Ariel as per your insistence. “There’s no way you’re going to be able to fit another car seat in that thing,” you continued.

“Yeah I know,” he defeatedly huffed. “But there’s no way I’m getting a minivan!”

You burst out laughing as he looked over at you, his blue eyes full of stern conviction.

“Definitely not!” you agreed. “You’ll have to get something soon though, the little guy’s coming in a just a few months.”

“There’s still so much to do! New car, finish his room, name him!” Lance chuckled.

“Yeah I know,” you said running your hands over your stomach. “Well at least we know what we don’t want. No Brayden, Aiden, Grayson or Mason...”

“Yeah, not happening. Hey Starfish, what do you think we should name your brother?” Lance called out to Ariel who was playing with her dolls.

In one hand was Teddy and the other was Stuffy, the blue dragon from Doc McStuffins. Her growing brain mulled over the decision of names between the two stuffed animals. “Stuffy!” she cried out.

“Stuffy Tucker?” Lance questioned.

“Well, maybe if he has allergies,” you joked. “Sweetie what’s the name of the police dog on PAW Patrol?” It took a while for you and Ariel to think of the name until it finally hit you. “Chase! Lance, what about Chase?”

“Hmmm,” Lance mused out loud, “It’s a maybe.”

You quickly reached your destination, bringing Ariel for her first visit to Weeki Wachee. She had no idea what was happening until the “mermaids” swam in and Ariel gasped out loud, crying out “Mermaid!”

She was watching them in the same awe struck manner as you once did, pointing towards the viewing window as the mermaids swam by with a large smile plastered on her face.

Next you went to the wildlife show, with Lance having to hold Ariel tight in his lap as she kept wanting to pet all the animals. Your anxiety increased as the teenage employee kept bringing out progressively larger snakes until he finally showed off a small alligator.

Now that you were a mom you tried to find the balance between allowing Ariel the freedom to grow up while still being nurturing and protective. Right now you were going to be protective, extremely protective and used this opportunity to remind Ariel that these animals are not pets. Blowing out a harsh breath you wondered if you caused your own parents as much worry.

After the show you sat at a picnic table for a snack, giving Ariel a sippy cup of milk and putting out some Cheerios, string cheese and a mandarin orange that you shared with her. Lance made sure you ate more than just that, pulling out carrot sticks and a granola bar from the bag along with some water. Smiling you leaned forward to kiss him in return for his thoughtfulness.

You were taking a lot of precaution as the risk of another premature birth was always there. Lance was a big help, staying home more often to allow you more time to rest. Your workload lightened as well. You were still able to Skype with athletes for your articles but travel was out of the question. You were thankful having prepared a lot in advance to release during your maternity leave.

After eating you took Ariel on the boat ride. She sat in between you and Lance as she excitedly pointed out every fish, turtle and bird that you passed. When the ride was over you asked the driver to take your photo, the three of you saying “cheese” in unison, though Ariel screamed the word, which echoed off the roof of the boat.

Finally, you were headed to Tucker Gymnastics and Ariel was bubbling with anticipation. Lance had gone into his office, you suspect to check in on calls and emails while he waited for his girls. After a quick trip to the bathroom for both you and Ariel, you changed her into a shimmery purple leotard.

Lance’s door was still shut so you picked barefoot Ariel up carefully and walked her over to the photo of young Lance and Dorothy.

“This is your Daddy as a kid!” you said, pointing to him in the picture. “And this is your Grandma Dorothy. She is Daddy’s mommy.”

“Where Gamma Dowthy?” Ariel innocently asked.

“Grandma Dorothy is everywhere. When the sun warms up the day that’s Grandma Dorothy giving you a big warm hug, and when the moon is out at night she’s looking over and watching you sleep.”

Though she’s too young to truly understand you wanted Ariel to know Dorothy and one day when she’s older you know Lance will have her read your article. He still considers it one of the greatest gifts you’ve ever given him, though nothing compares to the love you show him every day, and the family you’ve made together.

Lance pulled open the door to his office, stepping out with a serious look on his face. He tightened a red bandana wrapped around his forehead and clapped his hands together, “Let’s do this!”

Reaching into his pocket he walked over to Ariel, pulling out a smaller bandana for her to match him. Ariel leaned towards Lance who took her from your arms and you followed them into the main gym. Lance leaned down in front of his antsy little girl who would not sit still as he gathered her hair together to tie it up and tie the bandana on her.

Once she was ready Lance put his palm up, “Let’s go for the gold!”

Ariel slapped his hand, “Go faw gold!”

Lance started slow, easing her into tumbles. “Squat like a frog,” he said, adjusting her hands and feet, “Now stick your tushie in the air and look at your belly button.”

Ariel giggled at the way Lance taught her but he guided her through the movement, assuring her head was placed properly for her to roll through. Lance made it a fun as she repeated the motions until she got it before moving on to a backwards roll. She was definitely Lance’s kid as she completed a backwards roll much more gracefully than you ever could.

With your phone in hand you took a bunch of photos and videos, all of which you knew you would have to send your parents. Even though they would be coming over later for cake and presents they insisted on having their own copy of every picture of their granddaughter and you can’t blame them. Your own phone was filled with thousands of pictures of your beautiful girl.

Lance worked on some poses, teaching her how to do a bridge. Soon she was in a downward dog position in front of the wall. Lance told her to keep her arms strong as he braced one hand on her arms and the other under her stomach for support.

“Walk your feet up the walls,” he said, as her little feet staggered asymmetrically up the wall. “You’re doing great Starfish!”

It wasn’t quite a handstand, not yet at least but you know with Lance’s guidance she would get there one day, just as you did.

Afterwards Lance whispered something in Ariel’s ear that made her jump up and down. Lance carried Ariel to the balance beam that was closest to the ground, placing her down and standing behind her as he cupped his hands around his mouth as he announced, “The US Women’s Gymnastics Team proudly presents ARIEL TUCKER!”

You pleaded for him to wait so you could record this. When you were ready Lance lifted Ariel onto the beam, holding her hands as she walked across it, stopping midway as he told her to jump up. As Ariel jumped Lance lifted her up high over his head before placing her gently down on the beam again. She walked to the end of the beam, jumping off as Lance held her.

He carried her over to the uneven bars, still gripping her waist as he held her up, instructing Ariel to hold on to the lower bar. He swayed her body from side to side, all while providing commentary on how the young gymnast has skillfully mastered the uneven bars. Next was the pommel horse, where Lance held her up and she wasn’t sure quite what to do. Lance began to tickle her stomach and so she burst into a fit of giggles, her little feet stomping up and down which made it look like she was dancing.

“And for her final challenge, the vault!” his voice boomed.

Ariel clung to Lance as he stood midway in the runway. He jogged lightly, dodging the vault and jumping into the foam block pit behind it.

“Ariel Tucker wins the gold!” Lance cheered, kissing Ariel on the cheek. She nuzzled into the crook of his neck, stretching her arms around him and you were so happy to have recorded that moment.

Lance placed Ariel on the mat’s as he pulled himself out of the pit, scooping her into his arms again to head back to his office. He opened the small refrigerator that was stocked up on juices boxes and snacks for Ariel. She sat in his chair, swinging her dangling legs around as she sipped from an apple juice box.

“Here,” he said, grabbing a water bottle for you and pulling out a packet of almonds from his desk. “Come on babe, you know you want my nuts.”

“Lance!” you yelled in a whispered voice.

“What? It’s protein,” he smirked, opening the packet and tossing a few almonds into his mouth before handing it to you so he could untie his bandana.

You shook your head at him all while smiling and Lance leaned closer to rub the tip of his nose against yours, your face scrunching in return at the contact.

“I love you so much Lance,” you said, tilting your head to press a kiss to his lips.

He pulled away quickly asking, “What about Jim?” You squinted at him in confusion, wondering who Jim was and why you were supposed to love them.

“For the baby. Maybe Jim for gymnastics. Or James. James Tucker,” Lance worked through his reasoning out loud.

“Definitely not Jim. James is a maybe.”

Lance cupped your cheeks in his hands and leaned in to kiss you more sincerely, pulling away from each other before things got too steamy.

After arriving home you put Ariel down for a short nap. With Teddy by her side you tucked Ariel in and went downstairs to begin baking her birthday cake. Passing the photos that hung on the walls you stopped to smile at each one, pausing at Dorothy’s photo wishing she was here to see her grandchildren.

Lance stood behind you as you measured flour into a large mixing bowl, pressing a kiss to your neck which made you squirm with delight.

“Look at this,” you said, reaching your arms out in front of you, “I feel like I’m so far away from the counter!” You laughed as you gestured to your large belly that kept you back from the countertop.

“Just a few more months,” Lance said, pressing a kiss to your temple.

You continued to prepare the ingredients, placing them in the mixer and setting it. You saw Lance was attempting to say something but you couldn’t hear him over the sound. Once everything was done you smiled and he repeated himself.

“I asked if you should really be on your feet, Y/N. You have to take it easy,” he said, bringing over a stool.

You looked warily at the seat, “I think I might break it,” you half joked and Lance shook his head.

Instead of getting on the stool you took Lance’s hand in yours, “Lance, I have an idea for a name,” you said softly.

Lance waited for you to continue, rubbing his thumb along your hand.

“What about Theodore? For your Mom,” you suggested, looking up at him with hopeful eyes as you waited for his response.

Lance’s lips curved into a bittersweet smile, once again you found the perfect way to honor Dorothy.

His palm caressed the swell of your belly, “I love it Y/N, I love you, I love you so much,” he whispered before capturing your lips in a sweet kiss.

“I love you too.”

The night was filled with laughter as Ariel ran around with your parents, opened up her presents and ended up with frosting all over her face.

Lance picked her up in his arms, laughing as she leaned forward to place a sticky kiss to your cheek. Your parents snapped the perfect photo with all three of you laughing widely. You wiped Ariel’s face and then cleaned your own, tucking yourself under Lance’s other arm for another picture.

The life you imagined with Lance had gone off track for a bit but you were thankful everyday for being given the opportunity to come back to each other. Lance stood proudly, with one arm wrapped around you, his little girl clinging to his other side like a starfish on a rock.

The Olympics were a distant memory, fading away as Lance finally achieved his greatest accomplishment and was rewarded with gold every day in the form of the love he shared with his family. 🏅

🏅 THE PRICE OF GOLD PARENTHOOD DRABBLES 🏅

#dragon’s3k3c #lance tucker x reader #lance tucker fanfiction #lance tucker x you #lance tucker fanfic

[jacks-tracks]

Mexico 2 weeks in

The wind blew strong and cool off the Sierra Madres last night. This AM the gusts are back the tops of the 10 foot waves crashing onto the beach. Surf is a constant background noise, varying only with the wave size and frequency. Those rollers reach the mile long curve of playa Zicatela, coming in from some far off storm. Surfers rate Zicatela #6 in the world, flying in for a couple of days  when the set is perfect. Some never leave, joining the locals who swoop across the wave faces at dawn and dusk. Beginners go to Surf School at protected Carizilillo, learning to stand and catch that first wave. Then they move on to La Punta, where more complicated sets curve into bay around the rocky point and outlying rocks The sea colour shifts moment by moment with the slant of the sun, and the shape of the waves, shivered by the wind into a dozen shades of blue, fringed by a startling white by the shore break, aquamarine over the sand banks shallows and deepening to azul where the pale sky creates the misty horizon.

   Not to whine, but never again a “red eye” flight. Aeromexico leaving at 11:30 pm left at 2 am. I think I saw my connecting flight taxi past as we landed. i spent the night in Mexico city and went onward the next am. Puerto Escondido is still beautiful, and the view from the collectivo van as we can off the hill and circled the bay was terrific, white sand, rolling surf, palms waving, and a long horizon. Casa Dan feels like home, and old friends greeted me warmly. I started in room 1a next to the office, an red tiled swear box, looking out through a lattice into the library and main access.Convenient for chatting to passers by, open kitchen, so everyone knew what was cooking, but with the bedroom private. Happily  for me the woman who rented the upstairs room had trouble with the stairs, so we swapped  my ground floor room  for her upstairs vista balcony spot.

    Concerned about Covid, but my local Doctor assures me that the numbers here are low and stable. Mask protocol in stores and transport, and since i live outdoors all day i feel safe.  The New Market 3 blocks away has filled in it’s stores and has most everything I need. Oh the tropical fruits! I staggered home with 3 bags of  papaya (huge), canteloupe, finger bannana, starfruit,mandarin oranges as well as some tangerines for juicing, avocadoes, red and white onions, garlic, potatoes, carrotts, lettuce, cheese, fresh chicken, and whole wheat bread. Gone are the days of hitting a dozen tiny stalls to fill alist. Gone too  is bargaining for prices. Now there is an electronic weigh scale that totals the prices. It’s still very cheap, and repeated custom produces unexpected bonuses as the vendor tosses in a second grapefruit, the flower seller adds another bunch of lovely yellow daisys, and the fish seller slips in some extra shrimp. You can guess I am doing my own cooking, both for economy and to avoid any covid exposure.

   My Spanish is improving, as i review my workbook from the Nicaraguan school, and use Google translate for odd words. I do have a good accent, which leads people to believe i am fluent. Well ,fluent until engulfed in a torrent of Spanish salted with slang. Everybody appreciates the trying, and I am unfailingly polite. Though the women who staff the office do speak some English, they make a point of suffering my tortured grammer, and kindly correct my efforts. In return I make them fruit smoothies, and when the maids take their lunch under the courtyard palapa, i take them cake or fruit. Cheap for me, and a treat for them.

That’s all for now... 

[ellocentipede]

Nocturne Alchemy Halloween 2019 Review

I’ve been sitting on this post for a long time—my apologies! I kept ordering decants because I was so curious about this collection, and I didn’t want to post until I had all of the reviews put together. This was a really great collection, and many of my favorites were surprises! Buckle up, buttercups, this is a long one!

Halloween 2018

Scent description: Pumpkin Incense, Raw Fig and Pumpkin puree, Tonka Bean, Blue Sugar, a drop of Kashmir, a drop of labdanum, a drop of clove and a breath of white amber.

Very pretty—but not what I expected! This is clean, resinous sugared incense on my skin and I love it! The musk is a beautiful addition. It smells like a fancy metaphysical shop!

Halloween 2019

Scent description: Waxy Candy Corn, Vanilla, Cotton Candy, Spun Pumpkin Cotton Candy, Bourbon Vanille with touches of almond, pistachio, gold sweet tobacco and white musk.

This is a pretty, candy corn scent, but leans a tad sweet when combined with the cotton candy notes. I know a lot of people love this one, but I prefer Halloween 2018′s incense and Halloween 2020′s rich sandalwood to this blend’s candy bag!

Halloween 2020

Scent description: A special All Hallows’ Eve blend of  7 Sandalwoods (Hawaiian, Indian, Australian, New Caledonia, Indian Santalum Album, Karnataka Sandalwood, African Sandalwood (Baphia Nitida), Cardamom essential oil, Clove essential oil, Bourbon Vanille Absolute, Bastet Amber Absolute, smoked sandalwood infused with oak and pine smoke in the NA Studio.

I love NAVA’s sandalwood, so even though this has smoke listed as a note, I had to try it. It’s a beautiful sandalwood scent with a touch of sweet smoke! The smoke is not dominant or acrid at all. This is beautiful and I’m happy to have it!

Eternal Ankh Spice

Scent description: White Amber Absolute, Powdered and reconstructed oil of Egyptian Vanilla Husk, Vanilla fleck, African White Vanilla Absolute, Essential oils of Nutmeg, clove and Cardamom with a drydown of beautiful Eternal Ankh Vanilla

In the bottle this smells Eternal Ankh-heavy with just a dash of spice, but on skin the spice blooms and is really beautiful. I get mostly the cardamom with a hint of nutmeg in a cloud of EA. This is really perfect for "fall" in my neck of the woods--where the forecast has high temps in the 90s through the first week of October.

Bastet’s Ice Cream: Halloween Spice Cake Crystalline Creme

Scent description: Buttery Coffee cake, Cinnamon and nutmeg, Vanilla Bean powder, Bourbon Vanille Absolute (original BV in Studio Limited), a shot of Espresso bean oil to hold up the spices, Vanilla Crystalline Cream, Butter accord, Caramel Accord, French Vanilla Bean Absolute, Vanilla Milk accord, Crystalline Absolute and Vanilla Sugar

This should be called Snickerdoodle Crème. I tend to amp cinnamon, and I smell a lot of it here, along with the Crystalline Crème. Yea, this is snickerdoodle ice cream on me!

Vampire Bourbon Patchouli Bat

Scent description: Golden and Black Patchouli essential oils slow-drip blended into our Bourbon Vanille Absolute, Sugared Vanilla pods with hints of Oak and Hinoki wood

A silky, smooth patch, sweetened with creamy, sugared bourbon vanilla. This is sweeter and smoother than the original Vampire Vanilla Bat. It’s well blended. Alas, NAVA’s patch just doesn’t work for me, and this blend is no exception.

Blackout

Scent description: NA Chypre accord (labdanum, oakmoss, lavender, patchouli and neroli), Jasmine Absolute, NA Oudh, Bastet Amber Absolute, Mandarin, Clove and Amber accord

A pretty chypre! The florals are tamed by the clove and oudh. The oudh here is smooth, not too gritty. I think I may be smelling some benzoin? Unfortunately this one starts to not be so great on my skin. The oudh becomes more prominent and begins to remind me of a petting zoo.

Blood

Scent description: Kashmir (Studio Limited), Pipe Tobacco accord, Caramel Oudh (NA Studio), Black Patchouli leaves, Palo Santo essential oil, Italian Bergamot, Italian Pine resin, Frankincense Resin, Myrrh wood and Bastet’s Musk

Sweet tobacco, airy incense, smooth patchouli, and pine. This one is a bit like cologne on me. This one seemed to be a popular scent this year, but it falls flat on me.

Blood Queen

Scent description: Wild Black Currant, Cemetery Musk, Santalum White (Studio Limited), Kashmir (Studio Limited), Black Musk, Blood Wine accord, Black Violet and Lilac essence

Lots of tart, juicy red currant. Smells like kool aid or fruit punch. A floral note starts to come through—the lilac, perhaps? A littttle soapy. Reminds me a bit of Wally Wallaby—fruity floral. I don’t love this one, but I also tend to not love fruity florals.

Dark Ghost Velvet

Scent description: Velvet Blend: Eternal Ankh, Jasmine, Vanilla bean, and musk all weave the scent of Dark Ghost Velvet into Eternal Ankh Vanilla Absolute, Black Vanilla, Black Clove and a touch of Kashmir and Black Musk (Studio Limited)

Yessss. I was hoping this would work for me, and it does! I love NAVA’s jasmine scents. This one is beautiful—it’s a deep, creamy, true jasmine scent with a dry smokiness here from the clove. A beautiful floral for the cooler months.

Ghost

Scent description: Maydi Frankincense, Black Orchid, Tonka Bean Absolute, Crimson (Studio Limited) Musk, Caramel, Lemon, Cola accord with Kola Nut and a drop of Ceylon Cinnamon

This one is a pretty Cola scent, but unfortunately I don’t get much else. It’s fairly similar similar to Koala. Blue, but Koala has a beautiful, rich labdanum note (the same one that’s in Midnite Bunny) that deepened the scent and gave it some complexity. This one is pretty wispy, and alas doesn’t last long on my skin. A ghost of a scent indeed!

This Mortal Coil

Scent description: Balsamic Sandalwood, Mahogany wood, Turkish Rose, Musk

Well, this is gorgeous. This is what I wanted from their Rose Musk blend, but somehow that one didn't work for me. It's a beautiful musky rose deepened by the sandalwood and mahogany. Not sharp at all--super smooth, woody rose.

Dragon’s Eye

Scent description: Magnolia Blossom, Orchid, Rice Milk, Lotus essence

Pretty, smooth, well-blended florals in creamy rice milk. This is not overly sweet or screechy—it’s a very mild floral fragrance. I don’t get any bubblegum from the lotus—but there’s a hint of lemon.

Moonsand

Scent description: Light essences of Pear, Clementine, Heliotrope, Gardenia, Plumeria and White Amber Absolute

I almost passed on this one, but it may be my favorite of the update! It's so beautiful. It really fits the name--somehow it smells like a glowing jar of sand blessed under moonlight. It's a tropical fruity floral and is a bit reminiscent of both EA Violet and EA Orchid

Skeletonic

Scent description: White Birch, Tonka Bean, Vetiver essence, Birch wood, Bastet’s Musk Absolute, Black Styrax

This one smells sharp in the bottle—like sappy, green wood and cologne. On skin, it’s surprisingly not sharp at all! It does smell like green woods—like sunlight dappling through light green leaves in a forest in spring. The benzoin (styrax) is surprisingly not ruining this one for me. It’s very gender neutral, and reminds me of BPAL’s Elf scent. Unfortunately for me, the benzoin comes out with wear and turns funky on my skin.

Halloween Dreams

Scent description: Lavender Absolute, Organic Lavandin Flowers, French Lavender, Halloween Candy accord (sugars and caramel), Crimson Musk (Studio Limited), Halloween Bonfire Smoke accord (NA Studio), Ember wood smoke infused Lavender buds

Fresh lavender flowers, burnt sugar, and a hint of smoke. Too smoky for me!

Pumpkin Spice Cotton Candy

Scent description: Cotton Candy accord, Strawberry-Sugar accord, Pumpkin Pie with Cinnamon, Clove, Ginger and Nutmeg

Exactly what it says on the tin. Dry, warm pumpkin spice spun sugar.

Candy Corn Cotton Candy

Scent description:

This doesn’t smell like cotton candy to me. Instead it’s a rich, creamy, chewy artisanal caramel.

Hekate Cat

Scent description: Black Hemlock, French Lavender, Pistachio, Sandalwood, Vanilla Pudding accord, Brown Sugar and a touch of White Cinnamon

A blast of pistachio and vanilla pudding, with a hint of tart/poisonous berry that must be the hemlock. I’m not a fan of this one, unfortunately.

Hemlock Cat

Scent description: Blue Hemlock, English Lavender, Musk, Vanilla Cake accord, Vanilla, Brown Sugar and touch of Cinnamon

This smells like a fruit jelly made with a tart, poisonous berry, and a hint of lavender on top of cake. A unique scent, for sure! I think maybe the hemlock note is not working for me.

Castaway Coconut

Scent description: Cotton Candy accord, Bastet’s Ice Cream blend, Vanilla Wax accord (NA Studio), Cherry, Pineapple, Candy Corn Vanilla accord, Crystalline

Huh! This one is like Coppertone! It’s suntan lotion-esque coconut!

Pineapple Punch

Scent description: Sweet Pineapple, Orange zest, Vanilla, Brown Sugar accord, Sweet Coconut, Crystalline & Bourbon Vanille Absolute blend

Tart, strong pineapple with a hint of creamy coconut milk. Smells like a tropical drink.

Shipwreck Spice

Scent description: Mortar pestle of Clove, Pine needles, Cinnamon Bark, Nutmeg, Green Cardamom, Patchouli leaves, Orange Zest, Apple Skin, Crystalline (vanilla from Studio Limited), Romanian Green Cognac essential oil, Crystalline, Vanilla Bean and Vanilla-infused Musk

This smells like Christmas! I get pine and winter spices (clove and orange) in a cloud of vanilla musk that softens the edges. There’s a bit of smoke on drydown.

Pumpkin #27

Scent description: Bourbon Vanille (Studio Limited), Black Fig, Raw Pumpkin (no spice in this blend)

Smooth, creamy, and mild pumpkin pie filling--no spice! The pumpkin is not like raw pumpkin—it’s more like the canned pumpkin pie filling but with zero spice (nutmeg, cinnamon, etc.) added.  The fig is really fragrant and nice, giving it some flavor without heavy spice. It smells like the same fig that's in Summer Fig Crème. I really don't see anyone not liking this scent--it's very pretty and seasonal without being "spice candle in your face".

Pumpkin #28

Scent description: Buttery Pumpkin accord (vegan), Crystalline (Studio Limited), Bastet’s Ice Cream, Butter Cream Icing accord, Madagascar Vanilla bean

Sweet, creamy, lightly spiced pumpkin pie filling, with a touch of something like the butter, pecan, and brown sugar topping that I put on my sweet potato casserole. This is a great pumpkin scent for those who are sensitive to spices (like myself).

Pumpkin #30

Scent description: Tonka Bean Absolute, Moonstone (Studio Limited) Absolute, Egyptian Musk, Pumpkin Pie accord (cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, ginger)

This is the pumpkin spice scent for a world travelling archaeology professor. It's pumpkin spice with Egyptian musk coming through on drydown. It's dry, smooth, rich, and warm, a bit exotic.

Resurgence Collection (items from last year, rereleased)

Bastet’s Ice Cream: Candy Corn Crystalline Creme

Scent description: Etherian Vanilla (not yet released Etherias scent, a ghostly vanilla skin scent), Candy Corn accord, touch of almond, butter, Crystalline two-fold, Vanilla Crystalline Cream, Butter accord, touch of Mallow, Caramel Accord, French Vanilla Bean Absolute, Vanilla Milk accord, Vanilla Orchid, Crystalline Absolute and Vanilla Sugar.  A new take on a gourmand vanilla Candy Corn.

This one is pretty awesome. It does smell like candy corn ice cream. It’s not overly sweet, but is a nice, mild vanilla caramel scent. It’s interesting to me that the candy corn note on Halloween 2019 was too sweet for me, but here it’s just right. I think the ice cream note provides creamy sweetness without being tooth-achingly sweet. I’m a big fan of the Bastet’s Ice Cream scents in general.

Bastet’s Ice Cream: Halloween Spice Cake Santalum Creme

Scent description: Buttery Coffee cake, Cinnamon and nutmeg, Vanilla Bean powder, Santalum Sandalwood Absolute, a shot of Espresso to hold up the spices, Vanilla Crystalline Cream, Butter accord, Caramel Accord, French Vanilla Bean Absolute, Vanilla Milk accord, Vanilla Orchid, Crystalline Absolute and Vanilla Sugar.

I love this one! It does the cinnamon/snickerdoodle amping thing when wet on my skin, but dries down to a creamy, lightly spiced cake with a good dose of NAVA's awesome santalum. 

Bastet’s Ice Cream: Pumpkin Pie Crystal Creme

Scent description: Pumpkin cream, Pumpkin skin, Black Fig.  Pumpkin Pie Spices: Nutmeg, Ginger, Cinnamon, Clove, Butter-Vanilla Bean and Vanilla Crystalline Cream, Butter accord, Crystal Vanilla-Musk Absolute, Caramel Accord, French Vanilla Bean Absolute, Vanilla Milk accord, Vanilla Orchid, Crystalline Absolute and Vanilla Sugar.

I purchased this bottle last year when it was first released, in the hopes that the ice cream element would soften the pumpkin spice into a magical pumpkin scent of dreams for me. I ended up rehoming that first bottle because there was too much cinnamon, and it caused an eczema reaction on my wrist and the palm of my hand. This year I decided to give it another go, and surprisingly it’s not as spicy. I’m not sure if my skin chemistry has changed, or if a year of aging has tamed the cinnamon, but whatever it is, I’m not complaining. This is a pretty pumpkin pie scent with a tiny dollop of fresh whipped cream sitting on top. It reads just a bit woody and dusty to me, and I think it’s the fig note. I really like how NAVA combines pumpkin and fig (as in some of this year’s pumpkin blends above, and Halloween 2018). This is a lovely scent, it’s just not my pumpkin pie scent of dreams.

Dawn by Ian

Scent description: Plumeria, eNVie saphir, Bastet's Amber, Rice Milk and Blue Crystalline

I love this one! A fresh, bright plumeria (not shampoo-like as it can sometimes be) tamed with gentle, creamy rice milk and deepened with musky, cloudy amber. This is a great year-round option. It’s classy and elegant. Rice milk becomes more prominent with wear, and the plumeria recedes a bit while remaining the heart of the scent. A beautiful creamy floral—not overly sweet and absolutely not screechy.

V by Thoth

Scent description: Incense, Sweetened spices of Cardamom, Cinnamon, Allspice and clove swirled with Vanilla pods, Ghost Musk and Copal Resin

This is sort of a dream incense scent on me. It’s hard to review in the way that Alchemist Bazaar (also a beautiful incense blend on me) is hard to review—it’s just so well-blended. I don’t really smell the cinnamon or allspice, which is a huge surprise since those notes tend to be so punchy and dominant. I am getting a fair amount of copal. This is like Copal incense and other precious resins (amber, perhaps?) simmering. It’s not “sweet”, but it’s also not sharp—it’s very smooth and elegant. If you think you would like this blend at all, I highly recommend trying it!

Scarlet Bat

Scent description: Red Sugar, Crimson Musk, Black Tea Leaves, Neroli-sugar, and NA Black Patchouli Absolute

The siren song of “Neroli sugar” (and the excellent reviews) led me to blind bottle this one, but I should have known better. I will say that this is one of only a couple of NAVA’s patchoulis that has alllllmost worked for me. I get a lot of tea leaves, that read as almost anise-like or cinnamony to my nose. This is like a spicy (as in cinnamon), sugary, musky patchouli. Close, but no cigar. It may have worked for me without the patch!

Pumpkin #21

Scent description: Bourbon Vanille, Pistachio, Pumpkin essence, Almond, Cherry rind, Pistachio Pudding accord, Crystalline and Egyptian Musk

Review pending receipt of decant!

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Nocturne Alchemy’s beautiful scents may be perused and purchased here: https://nocturnealchemy.com

[superfitbabe]

Thoughts the next morning: “Why HELLO, Buddha belly.”

Oh golly, I haven’t had ANY day of eating like this one! So many people have some sort of stance on cheat days. From what I’ve seen, most people do not recommend cheat days as a regular part of one’s regimen, but some people suggest that cheat days are most certainly okay or even beneficial for one’s progress. Personally, I do not follow a routine that involves cheat days on a regular basis, let alone, intentionally once in a while. Even though I do attend many vegan food-filled events where I don’t eat the best, I wouldn’t consider those a full-blown cheat day. I’d say that I eat at least 1,000 calories over my maintenance during those events, but otherwise, nothing too drastic.

However, I was really, really curious to see what a cheat day does feel like. People often comment on food challenges saying that those food feats are their regular days of eating. Intriguing, right? I wanted to know what it felt like to consume an entire day’s worth of not-so-healthy food, as well as see what I could maximally eat without feeling sick to my stomach. Hence, I scheduled a cheat day to eat all of my favorite foods that are filled with gluten, salt, oil, sugar, fat, carbs, and deliciousness that I wouldn’t eat often. They were all 100% vegan, of course! In general, I cook with little to no salts, seasonings, and almost no oils. But that cheat day was an exception. If it tasted good, it went in my mouth.

As a disclaimer, I would NEVER, EVER recommend that anybody consume this amount and this type of food daily. It’s not healthy, not reasonable, and most certainly not feasible (at least for me). I would rather spend a week where I consume enough nutrient-dense foods for the entire week with one cheat meal maybe 1-3 times in that whole week, versus restricting myself for 6 days a week and then offing all bets on the last day. To me, that’s yo-yo dieting, which is never a healthy lifestyle. If you do want to schedule a cheat day in your weekly or monthly routine, I suggest talking to a medical or dietetic professional, being smart, and listening to your body wholeheartedly.

Anyhow, going back to my intentions for this cheat day, I wanted to firstly celebrate my last full day in Los Angeles during Memorial Day weekend with a bang, gain some weight that I lost (in an unintentional and unhealthily fashion) the past weeks, enjoy some delicious vegan treats that I brought to the trip, and see how much I can possibly eat! Everything tasted absolutely fabulous, and I am stoked to be sharing these wonderful meals!

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MEAL 1: Vegan zucchini chocolate chip loaf (provided by my college’s dining and culinary staff) with a Purely Inspired Organic vegan French vanilla protein spread, mochi, a raspberry double chocolate brownie Fig bar, and Big Kettle cinnamon French toast apples. Tasted like the offspring if you were to cross-breed a brownie, a chocolate chip muffin, zucchini bread, a s’mores bar, and apple pie. Otherwise, AMAZINGNESS.

MEAL 2: a heaping bowl of Kashi GoLean Cinnamon Crisp cereal, The Organic Pantry Company raisin coconut granola bites, and Silk vanilla plant protein soymilk. The Kashi cereal tasted amazing, the granola tasted more like plain flax crackers with coconut and raisins than granola, but the soymilk was so creamy and perfect! I still loved it a lot!

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MEAL 3: random plate of broiled tempeh and a bag Gardein mandarin crispy orange “chick’n” in the orange sauce provided in the package. Hands down, THIS WAS CRAZY. The chick’n pieces tasted more like chicken nuggets in orange sauce rather than actual pieces of orange chicken, but I still loved them wholeheartedly! Not something I should eat everyday, but yep. Ate the whole bag. No bloody shame.

MEAL 4: (unpictured) CLIF chocolate peanut butter-filled bar. Did I eat it before taking a picture because it was so yummy? Maybe…

MEAL 5: Half a bag of Beanfields ranch chips. ADDICTIVE, but I got full pretty quickly from the meals earlier.

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MEAL 6: “I Am Open” maple miso glazed Brussel sprouts and the “I Am Resolved” soul food plate of red beans and dirty rice, collard greens, barbecue jackfruit, a gluten free cheddar jalapeño biscuit, coleslaw, jerk tempeh, and barbecue sauce at Cafe Gratitude! The Brussel sprouts were demolished easily, and so were most of the Resolved food except for the jalapeño biscuit and the collard greens, which didn’t really taste that special, in my humblest opinion.

MEAL 7 (unpictured): some Surf Sweets vegan fruity bears and vegan jelly beans that tasted like childhood, a granola truffle that tasted super fancy, a vegan fortune cookie that was like…well, any fortune cookie, and candied ginger that tasted DISGUSTING.

MEAL 8: two R bars–one of them being the Prickly Pear Pecan and the other being Peanut Butter and Jelly. Both tasted like condensed Larabars! I really adored both in their own ways; the pecan bar resembled a pear crumble and the peanut butter and jelly bar reminded me of the PB&J Larabar, which is my favorite flavor! Highly recommend them both!

MEAL 9: My mother surprised me with a vegan mango sorbet popsicle stick! I wasn’t expecting this at all and downed it with enthusiasm. It tasted so refreshing and perfect for the warm weather!

MEAL 10: The famous General Tso’s Brussel sprouts from Cruciferous, a new vegan restaurant in Los Angeles that debuted at the Vegan Street Fair! They tasted like General Tso’s chicken at any Chinese restaurant–a meat eater and vegan will adore them alike!

MEAL 11: Three fist-sized scoops of vegan s’mores ice cream, salted caramel ice cream, and sunbutter and jelly ice cream with rainbow sprinkles from Cocobella Creamery. Easily annihilated and hands down, my favorite vegan ice cream on the planet! The salted caramel is so silky smooth like a mix of nice cream and real ice cream, the s’mores was so rich, soft, fluffy, and decadent, and the sunbutter and jelly ice cream tasted a lot lighter yet perfectly nutty and sweet. Cocobella Creamery is a MUST if you’re ever in Los Angeles!

MEAL 12: Bento plate of white rice with sesame seeds, broccoli, fried Pokémon tofu with onions, and a cabbage salad at Gokoku Vegetarian Ramen! I used to be SUPER FEARFUL of white rice because I would usually wake up with some sort of skin malady the morning after. I always thought I had some sort of skin intolerance to it until today when I realized it was my own mind manipulating me into believing so! But I woke up the next morning with clear skin and lots of energy, even after eating more white rice in a day than I’ve eaten in the past four years. It tasted a lot softer than brown rice, but I still prefer the graininess and fibrous density of the whole grain brown, wild or black (my favorite kind) rice. But either way, it was such a refresher to revisit an old “forbidden” item on my list and discover that it’s not entirely bad!

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MEAL 13: A takeaway lemon blueberry coffee cake from Cafe Gratitude! I forgot what the name of it is, but it was super delicious! I ended up having it was 3-4 spoonfuls of creamy almond butter to cap off the night. PERFECTION on a plate.

New YouTube Video: What I Ate on My First Cheat Day (vegan) Thoughts the next morning: "Why HELLO, Buddha belly." Oh golly, I haven't had ANY day of eating like this one!

[milenasanchezmk]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[fishermariawo]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[watsonrodriquezie]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[cristinajourdanqp]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[cynthiamwashington]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

The post 6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Article source here:Marks’s Daily Apple

[recentanimenews]

Feeding fairies can be tricky business, but "Restaurant to Another World" gives us the perfect solution!

Crepes have been a tradition in my family for a long time. When I was little, my mom would make them every Sunday morning for my sister and me. Mom is amazing at making crepes, they always turn out golden and round, perfectly formed, with tiger stripe patterns across the surface. We would fill them with syrup, apple butter, sugar, and all manner of other delicious things. It was one of my favorite breakfasts of the week! Unfortunately, the skill for crepe making did not translate over to me. Every crepe I've ever made has been a miserable mess.  

  When I saw this recipe pop up in Restaurant to Another World, I knew I had found my calling, the food I was destined to make. This was my weekly challenge. This was the reason I started blogging in the first place! I was going to set aside all my failed crepe attempts and make amazing crepes for you all to see how good they can be. 

  The first step was getting a big pan. Having just moved, I needed to buy all new pans anyway, so this was easy. The second step was making sure my pan was heated up to a screaming hot temperature. You have to go really hot on the temperature setting so that the crepe doesn't stick to the pan. Having a non-stick pan helps, too. In prior attempts, these were my two biggest mistakes.

  When it came to making crepes this time, I'm proud to say that they turned out great! I didn't burn anything (except my fingers, nothing stuck to the pan, and I had relatively few rips and tears. I really think this is due to the fact that I don't yet have a new spatula, so I was not using the best tools for flipping pancakes (IE a child-cheater and my FINGERS). Overall, though, i was really impressed! I really think the non-stick pan contributed a lot to my success, but hey, I'll take it!

  With that set aside, it was just a matter of preparing everything else! The whipped cream came together easily, and I got to put my old cake decorating skills to good use when it came to piping. The fruit was easy to find, and a cinch to cut into the right shapes. Luckily, I already had chocolate syrup, so I just had to buy some strawberry jam to go on top of the fruit. With the crepes done, assembly was a cinch, and super easy! There is so much room in this recipe to customize to your heart's content. 

  Watch the video below to learn how to make your own mixed fruit crepe! 

      Ingredients for the Mixed Fruit Crepe:

Crepe recipe adapted from here. 

1 cup of cream

2 tbsp powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1 cup flour

2 eggs

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup water

2 tbsp butter, melted

1/2 tsp salt

Pineapple, cut into chunks (canned)

Mandarin orange slices in syrup

Whole kiwi, cut into bite-sized pieces

Strawberry Jam

Chocolate Syrup

Mint leaves (garnish)

    To Make the Mixed Fruit Crepe:

  1. Start by whipping the cream. Place cream in a metal or glass bowl and beat with a whisk or a hand mixer. 

2. When soft peaks are achieved, add in the sugar and the vanilla.

3. Keep whisking or beating until medium stiff peaks have formed.

4. Place into a piping bag fitted with a star tip and set aside.

5. Prepare fruit by cutting into bit sized pieces. Set aside

6. Put flour in a bowl with eggs. Whisk to combine. Add in the milk. Whisk to combine. Add in the water. Whisk to combine. 

7. Finally, add in the melted butter and the salt. Whisk to combine. 

8. Heat a pan to high heat. Lightly butter the pan.

9. Ladle batter into the pan- about 1/2 cup depending on size of your pan. Immediately spread the batter around the pan by lifting the pan and rotating until batter completely covers the bottom of the pan.

10. After about two minutes, flip the pancake. Allow to cook another minute. 

11. Put crepe on a plate, and fold in half. Pipe rows of whipped cream over the middle third of the half circle, in the shape of a slice of pie.

12. Place fruit strategically around the whipped cream. Finish by adding strawberry jam over the fruit. 

13. Fold the edges of the crepe over the filling, so it is completely encased. 

14. Garnish with chocolate syrup and mint leaves. 

    I hope you enjoyed this post! Check in next week for another recipe. To check out more anime food recipes, visit my blog. If you have any questions or comments, leave them below! I recently got a Twitter, so you can follow me at @yumpenguinsnack if you would like, and DEFINITELY feel free to send me food requests! My Tumblr is yumpenguinsnacks.tumblr.com. Find me on Youtube for more video tutorials! Enjoy the food, and if you decide to recreate this dish, show me pics! :D

  In case you missed it, check out our last dish: Natto Spaghetti from "Restaurant to Another World". What other famous anime dishes would you like to see Emily make on COOKING WITH ANIME?

By: [email protected]

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

[watsonrodriquezie]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[fishermariawo]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[cristinajourdanqp]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.

[milenasanchezmk]

6 Food Products I Love to Hate and 5 I Just Love

Any old time readers remember the Fuming Fuji? He was the lovable yet ornery food critic of early MDA who railed against chocolate milk, cocoa puffs, chicken fries, applesauce (he was seriously biased here), and frozen waffles. He’d get a little carried away, and we eventually had to put him down (ironically, by turning him into applesauce), but his heart was in the right place. Today, I’m paying homage to the Fuming Fuji by having a little fun with some of today’s more absurd food offerings. Then I’ll follow up with some that I’m enjoying these days.

Let’s go:

1. Peeled Sumo Mandarins in Shrink Wrap

Whole Foods is a great store. They carry the best brand of mayo, for one. And two, they offer some of the most nutrient-dense food around. But now and then I find myself raising an eyebrow (or two) at something on the shelf.

Last year, they began offering pre-peeled sumo mandarin oranges in plastic shrink wrap. Because mandarin oranges weren’t already expressly bred to be easy-to-peel. Because orange peels weren’t crafted by evolution to protect the delicious interior. Because even if you were able to somehow peel your own orange, what the hell are you going to do with the peel?

2. Fried Gluten with Peanuts

The anti-Primal, fried gluten with peanuts has everything you’re not supposed to eat on strict paleo or Primal:

Gluten.

Rancid soybean oil (both frying and storage medium).

Soy.

Sugar.

Legumes.

And it’s all packaged in a can no doubt lined with ample BPA. If you were to toss a pallet of these into a CrossFit box, the universe would implode on itself.

3. Gluten-Free Water

The best satire is indistinguishable from reality. I’m pretty sure that Clara Gluten-Free Water is a real brand whose earnest mission is to give you “peace of mind throughout the day,” but boy is it tough to tell from the “portraits” of the water to their commitment to a diverse customer base (intended for anyone “at a vipassana retreat or simply working as an account manager at an award-winning boutique ad agency”) to the odd phrases they coin (“lifestyle-oriented individual”).

Who am I kidding. I’m going to start drinking this stuff and get on the righteous path. Who could say no to this face?

4. The Juicero

Ah, how I love the hubris on display when Silicon Valley tries entering the food space. From Soylent diarrhea to shmeat to disappointing vegan “mayo,” it rarely goes right. The Juicero is another example.

A $700 juicer that used proprietary packets of fresh produce, like a Keurig coffee maker only for kale juice, the Juicero just never made sense to me. How could such a set-up—shipping refrigerated single-serving produce packs—work?

It hasn’t. The company just announced they’re pulling out and issuing refunds for the Juicero.

5. Unicorn Froot Loops

I just don’t understand the “unicornization” of foods. What makes Unicorn Froot Loops unicorn Froot loops? I assumed they would have severed cereal horse heads with horns interspersed with the loops, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. They’re just different colored loops. There’s a unicorn on the box. Is that it?

Do kids really like unicorns so much that they’ll clamor for Unicorn Froot Loops? Is there a huge demand for unicorn-themed foods? Sure, put enough sugar in it and they’ll eat it, but what specifically about the unicorn is drawing people in?

Maybe if these were made of real unicorn meal, I’d sing a different tune. That’d be a healthy high-protein breakfast. I imagine magical beast flesh has plenty of undiscovered micronutrients, too. Oh well.

6. Yoni Beer

It was inevitable, in hindsight. Of course they were going to make beer using vaginal bacteria. I’m actually surprised it took this long. After all, “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina.” You get this message in fortune cookies, for crying out loud.

Look, I’m not going to disparage reproductive organs. But, well, the vagina a person chooses to consort with is a personal decision. I don’t just want any vagina’s lactic bacteria in my beer.

Then there’s the inevitable question I’m sure we’re all wondering right now: when’s the male version coming out—and will it derive active cultures from smegma? How long do we seriously have to wait?

But enough negativity. What do I love?

1. Turkey Legs at Disneyland

My kids are grown. I have no real reason to brave the crowds and visit Disneyland. And the product I’m about to recommend isn’t good enough to get me to go anymore. But when I did go, when my kids were of age and I did go to Disneyland, the turkey legs were a lifesaver. I still think about them.

There’s no gussying it up: It’s just a big tender smoked turkey leg. For about $9, you get around a pound of meat and sinew and tendon and gelatinous unctuousness. I’ll happily wait in line for Star Tours if I’ve got a turkey leg to gnaw on.

2. The SousVide+

Mike and Mary Dan Eades are good friends of mine, so when they asked me to highlight their upcoming SousVide+ I was more than happy to do it. Then I got to try the thing, and came away even more enthusiastic.

3. Chili Peppers

The farmer’s market has been great for fresh chilis lately. I’m loving fresno and serrano chilis, or any chili with moderately high heat that retains its fruitiness. There’s even a stand that sells Thai chilis on the vine. Just look around at your local market, as there are many different types. Ask to try them! I keep a tupperware container full of chopped chilis, garlic, shallots, and ginger that I can quickly add to stir fries without messing up a cutting board or getting hot chili residue all over my hands.

I’m also really into dried ancho chilis, which I eat like fruit bark. Seriously. Try it. I got the idea after listening to a podcast episode of “Conversations with Tyler” with Mark Miller, where they do a dry chile tasting and discuss how to choose dried chilis. Even better is a handful of dried ancho chili strips mixed with beef jerky.

On the powder front, chipotle chili powder is essential. Mix it with cumin and garlic powder for an incredible addition to any meat dish.

4. Wide Mouth Canning Jars

I’ve been pickling a fair bit of produce. Stuff like sauerkraut and kimchi, while delicious and not that hard, still take a bit more effort than I’m willing to expend these days. Plus, you have to worry about keeping torn up cabbage that loves to float submerged under the brine. It’s a big headache.

Instead, I’ve been pickling whole garlic cloves (I just get the big bag of organic peeled cloves from Costco), various spices like ginger and turmeric, small onions and shallots, and all the chili peppers I just mentioned. It’s great. Add the produce to the wide mouth canning jar, fill with salty brine (teaspoon of salt per cup of water or thereabouts), and wait for bubbles to start appearing. The relative density of the ingredients means keeping them submerged is simple. Sometimes I’ll spruce it up with a few dashes of fish sauce, or maybe a layer of olive oil at the top.

5. Short Rib “Steaks”

My new favorite “steak” is the short rib. Not the Korean cut with the little bone islands dispersed throughout, though that’s great, too. I prefer the English cut with the whole rib bone. To get a “steak,” I use a sharp knife to separate the meat from the bone. I season the meat with salt and pepper, throw it in the oven for 15-20 minutes at 270°, then sear it over high heat for a minute on each side. Even better—you can reserve the bone for soup.

Perfection.

That’s it for today, everyone. Do you have any personal favorites (or absurd discoveries) to add? Share ’em on the board, and have a great week.