#just thinking about this again bc my vivanse has been helping me actually feel my emotions in real time

[hofftrans]

One of the ongoing autistic experiences I have in my life is the whole "this is what my life is like, so I assume this is what everyone's life is like and it's just the human condition" and then not evidence checking that for far too long. Like obvs not something I let myself do re political and human rights issues like I understand there that my privellage plays a huge role in my view of life.

But it's more like the personal stuff or childhood stuff. Like a light-hearted example was me telling my mate recently about how I wished I could lucid dream and then after I explained my dreams to her she just delivered the "oh my sweet angel that is 100% lucid dreaming" and it turns out I thought everyone just has like a large control over their dreams (I had thought lucid dreaming meant absolute control)

Less light-hearted is my experiences with death and losing loved ones. Bc I assumed everyone by like 30 must have already had almost double digits of loved ones dying but I was chatting to a group of mates recently and was so surprised to hear how many had never lost a human loved one and had only lost pets (not to diminish that huge amount of grief, I had just expected people has lost human loved ones too)

Again this isn't like grief competitiveness or anything it's more just that I keep constantly assuming that my life has been v average with a few outlier moments bc my autistic ass just goes "well idk how anything 'should' be like or feel so this must just be the human experience that everyone has" and I need to remind myself that the amount of grief I carry is unique and something I need to treat with care and empathy and support towards myself for

#just thinking about this again bc my vivanse has been helping me actually feel my emotions in real time #and ive been feeling a huge amount of grief recently for my friend that passed away last year #and all the loved ones i lost before her #the only time i go back to my highschool is for wakes now. im only 28. im tired