#just severely suffering with holiday blues dont mind me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tamiddyinyourcity · 4 years

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Patrick admitting he didnt think hanging out on valentine's day would be a good idea since its a romantic holiday and he thought it would be romantic

Then of course the night i gave him the letter on his porch

and did the "do you want to kiss me?" test to see if he would act on however he mightve felt or not

and he said no

and i gave him the goodbye letter

which yesterday he said was rude and he tried to say "i mean it was pretty mean, im pretty sure you tried to say my dick was small" and i got so mad since NO, DUMBASS, i literally wrote an entire paragraph about all the physical and emotional traits i liked about you, INCLUDING "plus you've got a great dick and balls" (i may have memory loss, but nigga you're not gonna lie and say that a heartfelt letter I wrote specifically with all my heart and soul for you was mean.... if anything, it just reflected his flaws emotionally.)

just for him to be sad when i left?

because oh look

he had romantic attraction for me

as if contacting me in a "fuck it, lets work this out" way wouldn't have had me pounce at the opportunity?

then four days pass

i try talking to them again

it goes terrible

because he invited me over to answer the big questions

then answered none of them

and when asked why he texted me the shit romantically

he tried yet again to make me feel like i was crazy for assuming that telling a woman you wanted to kiss her was gaslighting her

AND THEN

Made it hyper clear that he preferred a reality where i was out of sight out of mind and dealing with panic attacks, stress from blackouts, and severe pain mentally and emotionally instead of taking a few minutes to talk things out with me

and oh look

i blacked out mid panic attack and attacked him

because he didnt give a damn about me out of the blue

why care at all? if i was just gonna be forced out of his life anyway. and he showed he had no care.

i still feel bad about certain parts of that night, but not all.

Since..... just why care? Why? Ever?

and then lo and behold

he revealed he was lying and actually did reciprocate all of my emotions and feelings

even romantically

and was pushing me away...

....

I just dont fucking get it whatsoever.

And great, now its June and I still am suffering.

I'm getting dangerously close to suicide.

I just hate how he took so long to give me the simplest of answers.

Made so many lies and excuses.

Pushed so much blame on me when he knew i was right and just wanted to avoid any sort of conflict, or by ignoring problems he thought they would go away.

I just hate ever giving them a chance.

They hurt me so damn bad and now im crying about this

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