#just a complete blur and idk if that’s from trauma with dad dying or just that something in me fucking snapped when I got ripped away from

[milo-is-rambling]

I keep seeing shit about like don’t compare urself to others and you don’t have to be successful by a certain age or anything but god it’s so exhausting being depressed anxious off and on suicidal since I hit puberty like I’m so tired like I have no idea how anyone lives their life and does things

#i will literally be like ‘oh I can’t get a job. I’m reading this book right now.’ as if that means I’ll be busy for the next month #like oh my god what is wrong with me I wish I was better I wish I meant it when I said I wanted to get better #if I wanted to get better I would put in the effort and take my meds consistently and get a job and try at all #but I just don’t even have the energy to pretend I want things to go well I just feel like I’ve missed my opportunity to make something #of myself even though I know I haven’t. it just all feels so fake. it’s all seemed so fake for so long #I feel like I’ve been out of my body for years and the only memories that feel real are from before I moved to Florida like 2021 - now is #just a complete blur and idk if that’s from trauma with dad dying or just that something in me fucking snapped when I got ripped away from #everything familiar in my life at once like it fucked me up and my old therapist said something about how moving again drudged up all the #feelings I felt as a nine year old when my family moved the first time but I think all the feelings I felt were new and different and I #just didn’t want to deal with them so we talked about my past but like. idk. it just all feels fake. #it’s my brain and I can’t ever get away from it this is just the brain I have and the past I have to deal with and the future I can’t escap #but it’s finnneeee it’s all fine I’m gonna smoke a bowl and go to bed and wake up tomorrow to my mom and her boyfriend on his birthday and I #will cry when they leave but I will mix myself a drink and pretend I’m fine with anything my life has become