#joelsmixtape fic

[joelsflannel]

doomsday (j.m)

tags/warnings (18+ MDNI): ANGST, lots of fire imagery? (not sure where it came from but we’re rolling with it), trauma (discussions of canon events. i.e joel’s been dealt a pretty shitty hand), feelings of betrayal, hurt/comfort, fluff at the end because i’m not a monster, grief. 

summary: (joel miller x f!reader) joel miller is good at a long of things, but opening up is not one of them 

word count: 1.1k

series masterlist

A/N: this is the first official installment of my new series mixtape! i really hope you enjoy, i almost made this chapter smutty but when i checked the word count it was 1111 and the angel number was just too good to pass up. 

your mental health is more important than reading a fic, please take care of yourself and skip this one if any of the warnings are triggering to you <3 

PLUS a big huge massive thank you to @pedgeitopascal for 1.) being the best and 2.) letting me rant and rave to her about this fic 

pull the plug, make it painless

i don’t want a violent end

don’t say that you’ll always love me,

‘cause you know i’d bleed myself dry for you over and over again

—

Things were getting better. They were. The three of them stitched and mended together by fate, probably trauma, and love; a family. 

Sometimes, though, there were things that slipped through the cracks of the mosaic they’d built. Sometimes years of unexamined pain boiled up and over, burning whatever and whomever it touched. 

It wasn’t that Joel’s intentions were to shut everyone out. No, he’d gone so long without the comfort of someone to confide in that it was hard to express the burning pit of affliction that seemed to radiate in his very being. Sarah. Tess. Tommy. Ellie. You. Everyone he’d cared about, everyone he felt he’d failed, occupied the inferno. 

He wanted to let you in, needed to, and he was trying but some fires burn unbidden. 

That’s how he ended up here, standing across from you in your shared living room. His hands itched to hold you, to find purchase on your skin, comfort you. Comfort you from what, though? From him? The feeling of being the cause of your tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes feeding the flames, fueling that nagging feeling that he was falling short. 

“I can’t,” you look up at him, voice quiet and tired. “I can’t sit here and watch you detach from yourself, from me, from us. I love you, I love you so much that my soul aches for you. I can’t breathe when you're around and I can’t breathe when you’re not.” 

“Please, Joel.” eyes filled with pleading tears, the soaked sleeve of your sweater trying to wipe them away but the tears still flow, and the ache still gnaws away. “Fuck, you have to let me in. You’re always telling me that you can't lose me but I can’t lose you either.”

He’d never seen you seem so small, so defeated, “I don’t wanna hurt you, angel.” 

The look on your face said it all, the bright smile you normally wore had been replaced by a twisted expression of heartache and longing. Your eyes were puffy, brows furrowed as you drew in a shaky breath, “You know what hurts? What feels like you’ve taken a knife and twisted it in my stomach?” the words taste bitter on your tongue, getting caught in your throat and mangled by emotion, “The fact that despite everything we’ve been through together, it never feels like you fully trust me.”

“Darlin’,” his voice low, thick with emotion, “I’m just afraid that you won’t look at me the same way. What if I say somethin’ and it scares you away? I can’t risk you.”

Those eyes he loves so much are big and watery, betraying the notion of every inch of your body longing to be close to his.  “Let me have a say, let me decide what I can handle. Please just quit shutting me out, I can��t handle that.” 

Finally, he finds himself closing the gap between them, bridging what felt like miles in two steps as he takes a seat on the threadbare couch that the three of you had patched up with various fabrics over the years. 

He takes your hand in his, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for bein’ cold, bein’ distant, for shuttin’ you out.” his grief weighs heavy on his face, taking a deep breath, and rubbing a calloused hand over his face, steeling himself, “My life has been a lot of things. It’s been scary, lonely, everything but easy. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, I’ve dealt as much pain as I’ve been given.”

As if you can see him withdrawing back into himself, you place a hand on his cheek, “Come back to me. Don’t wander off so far into that head of yours that I can’t reach you, please.”

He shakes his head, his body tense. You can see the gears turning, the fire of panic fighting with the fear of vulnerability, the idea of laying everything out on the table for you to see. He knows, he knows that you would never do anything to hurt him. You’ve been through far too much yourself to pick apart the dirty details of his past. The only reasons he has for closing off are internal, every fiber of his being putting up shutters to lock his grief away from your gentle touch. Even now when he looks over at you, those big beautiful eyes opening themselves up for him, warm and inviting if he would just let himself fall. 

“When I lost Sarah, it was like a part of me broke. There’s this hole in my heart, a void that I can’t fill. I-,” his voice shakes, clearing his throat as tears fill his brown eyes. “Nothin’ takes the hurt away, I can’t get ‘er back” 

You suck in a shaky breath, in all the time you’ve been with Joel, he’d never broken down like this. Never let his walls down enough for you to see that pain, the raging ache that consumed him. “Nothing I can do or say will bring her back, I would do anything to take that pain away.” wiping away his tears as they fall, “You have to let her live on through you. The people we were lucky enough to know, the people that we love are never truly gone. From all you’ve told me about her, she wouldn’t want you to live a life plagued with guilt.” 

His features soften at her words, his breath evening out, the fire slowly dissipating. It was as though you were the one person that dared to brave the chaos he was sure surrounded him. Your eyes search his, willing him to see that you were right there, that you would always be there. 

He hesitates for a moment, eyes still weary as exhales a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I never stopped lovin’ her. I never will. She’d want me to be happy, live for somethin’ more than myself.” 

He reaches out, cupping your soft cheek as you lean into his touch. “Thank you,” your voice is barely above a whisper, “for letting me in.” 

“I’ve never been the best at openin’ up, but with you,” he pauses for a moment, an almost peaceful expression painting his face as he looks at you, the unbearable weight in his heart shrinking down and breathing you in. “with you, I guess I was just so afraid of losin’ you that I didn’t realize I was the one pushin’ you away. I need you to stay.”

“I love you.” a soft smile tugs at your lips, placing your hand gently over his larger one cupping your cheek. 

A small sigh of relief escapes his lips, leaning forward slightly and pressing his lips on your forehead, 

“I love you too, darlin’.”

song: doomsday by lizzy mcalpine

#joelsflannel masterlist #Joel Miller #joel miller fluff #joel miller x reader #joel miller one shot #post!outbreak joel miller #post!outbreak joel miller x reader #jackson!joel miller #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller angst #joelsmixtape fic #the last of us imagine #the last of us #tlou x reader #joel miller fanfic #firefly-graphics divider #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x y/n #cafekitsune dividers

[joelsflannel]

mixtape masterlist

pairing: joel miller x f!reader rating: 18+ minors please do not interact series summary: a collection of fics based on different songs, all the same reader but can be read standalone. essentially a mixtape of songs that make me think of joel miller warnings (for entire “series”, each fic will have its own set of warnings attached as well): the occasional angst, implied age difference, canon trauma, mental health, adult themes, fluff, pet names (its joel miller, cmon), canon violence, hurt/comfort, feelings of betrayal, grief, 

angst: ❤️‍🩹

smut: ❤️‍🔥

fluff: ❤️

note: fics are not posted in sequential order, I'll do my best to arrange them as i post them. titles like this mean that I'm planning on writing a fic but they will not necessarily be posted in that order nor are all songs listed

doomsday ❤️❤️‍🩹

summary: joel miller is good at a lot of things, but opening up is not one of them word count: 1.1k

lovebug

touch tank

american pie

suspicious minds

work song

movement

sunflower, vol. 6

bags

you could start a cult

mona lisa, mona lisa

to be continued...

#joelsflannel masterlist #joel miller x reader #joel miller fluff #joel miller smut #joel miller x you #joel miller one shot #the last of us hbo #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller angst #joel miller fic #joelsmixtape fic #joel miller fanfic #tlou #pre!outbreak joel x reader #to read #pre!outbreak joel #post!outbreak joel miller #post!outbreak joel miller x reader #firefly-graphics divider