#ive had a very shitty past couple of weeks ive been stressed non stop | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

undyinghappinessblog · 5 years

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Oh Hi!

Oh hey. Haha fuck I sound like my 6 year old self...”Oh hey diary! How are you? Sorry I havent written in a while..” But....yeah. I haven’t. So I think I have quite a few things to catch myself up on.

I am not really sure if the reason I have’nt been writing. It think its a combination of being really busy (I moved, my cousin got married, my grandma Betty passed away, Ive been working two jobs pretty consistently, I’m still in acting classes, I’m trying to find a new agent) mixed with the fact that I am seeing a therapist once a week, so I guess a lot of the things that I would find myself writing about on here are being worked out with a professional in the real world.

The trouble with being so busy, is everything kind of tends to feel like its coming at you at a warped hyper speed, you know? Like I feel like a lot of the time I dont have the luxury or the time to really process anything or be in the present moment because I’m too busy worrying about what needs to be done, or I am working....Its something that I have been trying to work on in therapy. I am also meditating before I go to sleep at night-trying to be present and also boost my self confidence. And when I finally DO have a minute to process things, I find myself being really tired and needing to lie down and close my eyes. Its really hard to find that time for me, and I am learning more and more that that time is something that I really need to find a way to prioritize. Finding time to just be with myself and not be distracted by thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing or what I need to do in the next couple of days, you know?

I also find myself getting a little sad and scared that I am too busy worrying and stressing and working myself so hard that I am missing out on moments that are more important...Like genuine time with myself or my friends. Really enjoying time in the moment with little things like the sun, blue skies, leaves blowing in the wind, reading a book, painting, writing, etc.

Anyway..I guess that was just a really long winded way of me saying ‘I have been really busy’.

So...I’ll just give a quick recap of the past couple of months.

Okay, so I thiiiiiink I wrote about working on ‘Sacred Lies’ on my last post? But just in case, I will give a quick little refresher. So I got cast as an SOC principle character on a TV show about a cult...and my roommate Daniel actually got cast too, so it was really nice to have a carpool buddy and someone that I could talk to on set. But it turned out that I was actually okay on my own too. The cast was really nice and I ended up making some pretty cool friends with a couple of them.

Its been prettttyyyy much dead for me since then though. So in terms of acting, I have been unemployed since April. And I knooowwww that I should feel liucky for the opportunity-AND I DO!!!. Its just, I am starting to feel a little antsy...and wanting to get back on something...anything!! I’ve said it many times before, but its really hard for a woman to navigate through this industry. And I’m not even a fuckin minority- I know I have white privelage, and I feel shitty saying this, but....Its been really tough for me as a woman in this industry in the past few months, man.

Like. I am just going to rant here for a sec. Since Sacred Lies, Daniel has booked 3 more shows and has gone down to LA twice to see casting directors and shit. And I have had....maaayybe 3 auditions? I wanna say 2 of them were one liners. What reaaallllyyyy bothers me is that I can guarantee that these booking have NOTHING to do with his talent, or his resume (think I have spoken about his weird act-y voice and his horrible, narcissistic attitude). It all has to do with the fact that he is a tall, young looking white guy. THATS IT.

The thing I dont understand about hollywood is this. They FINALLY make these HUGE blockbuster films starring women and people of colour like ‘Wonder Woman’ and ‘Black Panther’ and ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and they all make MAAAADDD bank. They are so well received that they break box office records. Which absolutely makes sense because there are people who are FINALLY feeling represented and like they ACTUALLY see themselves in the characters on screen. But they still make so many films that have a 1. pro-dominantly white cast and 2. Most of the main characters are played by WHITE MEN. Like...How many Hollywood Rom-Coms have cast someone who identifies as First Nations as a lead? Someone who identifies as Middle Eastern? Muslim? Asian? Lesbian? Trans? Non-Binary? Truthfully, there are maaannny things about the injustices in this industry that I am not even aware of, and I could be overstepping my boundaries by saying all of this, but man. If I am feeling unrepresented and angry as a white woman, I cannot even IMAGINE how angry many of the minorities feel. Fuck it makes me so angry man. Honestly, I could talk about this for hours until my head blows up or I throw my fucking computer across the room, so I am just going to stop there by saying this. More people of colour need to be cast (especially First Nations actors!!), more women need to be given larger roles and more women need to write, direct, produce, AD, edit, sound design-every single role in film needs more women. Period.

Okay moving on. My cousin Alex got married this summer! Fuck that was emotional. The whole experience was just so lovely and happy and so much fun. She was married on the lake that we grew up spending our summers on. There was a lot of smoke from forest fires, but it was still so beautiful. Our family was there and it was amazing. I was Maid of Honour (My sister was supposed to be there as Co-maid of honour with me, but she was at school already, down in the states, so she couldn't be there.) and I was also the MC. I was really stressed about it at first, but once I had a few drinks in me, I felt better and had alot of fun (I think the guests had fun too...unless they were all just pretending to laugh at all of my jokes...). I gotta say though, I am not a huge fan of her husband. He’s not friendly, very needy and relies on her too much and their relationship reminded me a lot of what my parent’s looked like when I was growing up. Plus his family is fuckin trash (His bother and his brother’s girlfriend ended up getting in a huuggeee fight the night before the wedding and the cops were called, so Alex’s husband ended up calling her and asking her to come get her...) Anyway. Their relationship isn't any of my business...and as hard as it is to see someone I love be married to someone I dont particularly like or respect, I gotta let it be and hope for the best for her.

My grandma Betty also recently passed. Which was very sad. I’ve experienced death and loss before, but it was when I was younger. This was the first time that I experienced death as an adult. When I think about how my sister and I got through what we did when we were kids, I just...I dont know how in the hell we did it. Becuase my grandma had dementia, and was very unwell and not herself, when I got the call, I was almost relieved. Obviously I was very sad. But I also felt strangely grateful for the time that I had with her and I also felt very lucky to have someone like her watching out over me. Like I FINALLY had someone in my corner. I still cant believe that she's gone. Saying that she ‘passed away’ is still so strange to say.

Anyway...thats pretty much it. Lots of life happened in the past couple of months. Lots of crying, anxiety, laughs, reminiscing, hoping, meditating, painting, more crying, more anxiety...just lots of life man.

I gotta say though, instead of ending this on a note of desperately hoping for ‘something good to happen’ by masking it with “manifesting”, I think I’m going to end it by saying this instead.

I am going to take better care of myself. And be kinder to myself. I think that something good will come out of that regardless. Whether it be through acting or just my relationship with myself. For once in my life, I am going to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary (at least for now) and will happen as its supposed to, according to the universe.

And by saying that, by putting myself first, I think everything I have ever wanted for myself will come when its ready and in a healthier and more welcomed way.

Okay. Thanks.

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