#ive come to understand why andrew likes bee so much after seeing her more in tsc

[queen-of-seventeen]

Coffee & Cadets part IV

TW: Panic in relation to past non-con, only alluded to; Memories of war and an explicit death with minimum amount of gore.

Thank you to @akemiash for the beta! you’re a hero

Do you still feel? (Rainman, MAX)

ao3

Andrew did not have many material things he cared about to take to Neil’s place. Their place now. No, he wouldn’t think about it that way. It was like all the foster homes before. Neil would kick him out when he realized just how crazy Andrew was. It was only a matter of time.

If Andrew had a little more motivation he’d put up a countdown.

He put his bags down next to the boxes he’d brought in earlier. Four boxes. Two with books. The others with clothes. Neil had a bed for him so the other boxes contained clothes and bedding. The bag contained more clothes and the keys to his old GS.

The bedding in his bag was too small for the bed. It was king sized and decked in dark red bedding. His fingers clenched the strap of his duffel as he pulled it over his shoulder again. He walked out of the room as fast as the joint prosthetic of his foot would let him. He dodged Neil in the too big hall and started for the stairs.

“Andrew?” Neil yelled after him. “Where are you going?”

“That room is someone else’s. I’m not a replacement.”

“At first it was a guest room. Andrew! Matt from the shop? He and his girlfriend sometimes spend the night here and my uncle won’t tolerate anything less than huge when he stays over. It’s only big because of them. If you want a smaller bed I can call Matt to help move the one in the second guest room.”

How many rooms did Neil’s house have? Andrew didn’t like it. Too many hiding spaces. At the same time enough room for him to be on his own. “Why not put me in the second guest room?”

Neil cocked his head. “Because you’re going to live here? I assumed you’d stay for at least a couple of months. You need somewhere to sleep and something to sleep under. I do not want to die at my uncle's hands. That makes all these scars worth nothing.”

“Scars are never worth nothing.” Andrew stopped and turned towards Neil. The red head stood still at the top of the stairs.

“True.” Neil licked his lips. “Yours are worth so much. Mean so much. Mine just represent the past.”

“Don’t they all?”

Neil stayed still. “Andrew, take the room. It’s not that bad. I promise nobody will come in there without you wanting them to.”

“You really want me to stay here. Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil said. “It’s always quiet here.”

Andrew took his time going back up the stairs. The room had a lock with a bronze key that Neil had laid out on the desk. Andrew shut Neil out before he could come in. He didn’t care how Neil felt about that.

He pushed the boxes off the bed and fell backwards onto it. The bed was soft and he sink into the plush bedding. Why was Neil doing this for him? What did he want? Everyone always wanted something but at least his room had a lock on the door. A lock he had the key too.

Andrew took a deep breath. Bee told him to breathe from his stomach. That way he was less likely to panic. Something he might do either way. He had a room in the same house as another man while he still couldn’t fully trust on his prosthetic. It scared him a bit. His shirt fingernails pushed into the palm of his hands. It hurt but not enough. Breathing the way Bee told him to did not work. He promised Nicky and Aaron not smoke anymore for his health. Apparently one near death experience was enough for them. It was not enough for Andrew. He just wanted it all to stop. The sounds, the fast breathing, the thoughts.

His fingers fumbled with his phone before he got to his favourites. He’d hated it when Nicky set himself, Bee, and Aaron as favourites. He got it now. The phone rang. Once, twice, thrice. Click. “Hey Andrew! Why did you call? You hate calling.”

Nickys voice echoed through his head. It somehow seemed louder than the buzzing noise in his ears. “Andrew, are you okay? I can hear you wheezing.” Andrew didn’t answer and the sound became a bit more distant before coming back. “Andy, try to breathe with me. In for four and out for four. Make some noise if you understood.”

Andrew tried to say yes but his breathing still grew sharper. There was a stranger on the other side of the door. The room was too big. The house had too many rooms to hide in. He wasn’t safe. He crawled off the bed and sank down in a corner next to the closet. Better. Worse. Both. Neither. All of the fucking above.

“I’ll take the stumbling as a yes. Follow my breathing, in, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four.” Nicky kept it up for a couple of minutes. Andrew heard Erik talking in the background. Soft, non-disturbing. At least Nicky was safe.

When Nicky noticed Andrew could breathe on his own he stopped counting. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“No.” Andrew pulled his knees to his chest and started loosening the foot. If Neil wanted to kill him he’d probably be able to whether or not Andrew was wearing his foot.

“Do I need to text Bee or Aaron to call you?”

“I’m seeing Bee tomorrow. Could you just talk?” And he could hear the smile in Nicky’s voice when he said, yes.

It took Nicky over an hour of talking for Andrew to feel secure enough to leave his corner of the room. the only reason he did not panic again that very minute was because he had just spend ten minutes convincing Nicky that yes, he would be fine staying with Neil as his house and no, he did not want to go and sleep at Nicky and Erik’s instead. Sometimes his cousin could be adamant. His clothes were still in their boxes and bags. He didn’t have many things he took with him from the apartment since the bed was the only thing that was truly his and he didn’t feel like getting into a lawsuit for the other furniture when Neil had a bunch of nice things to fill his house up with already.

Neil’s house felt like a foster home all over again. The difference was that Neil had already had a chance to hurt him and didn’t. He had even given Andrew a hat to protect him against the cold. The difference was that Neil had given Andrew a room with a big bed. A room with a lock. A lock. Andrew could keep everyone out if he wanted too. Neil had given him a safe space. Just for him. Quiet and all consuming but his.

Andrew left the bags where they were. He crawled over to his crutches, it was easier and a bit faster than getting up, hopping over and going down again, and stood up. He wasn’t ready to go downstairs but he was hungry and Neil said there was left over Chinese.

The Chinese was in no way leftovers because it was all warm in plastic bags and brought by Renee Walker. One of the million faces he did not want to see. Especially after his epic breakdown.

“Andrew, hello,” Renee said. She was sporting that stupid, little smile and her cross necklace and her hair was dyed in the same rainbow hues as the last time. Would Allison still do her hair? He couldn’t care enough to ask.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew hobbled to the kitchen island to sit on one of the bar chairs. His right crutch was just a couple centimetres off and it hurt his arms to use it for too long.

“Neil asked me to bring him Chinese. Dumplings and spring rolls. And I brought you something.” Renee kept standing. Her feet slightly apart. She was squaring up for a fight. A fight he couldn’t give her.

“You shouldn’t have.” He pulled the bags towards himself. Either Neil remembered Andrew’s order or he had told Renee he would be there. He guessed the latter. Meddlesome, ginger devil.

“I wanted to ask something.” She finally sat down on the opposite side. “Did you kick me out of your apocalypse team?”

Andrew clenched his jaw. If Neil overheard he wouldn’t understand but he did. “Forgot how to take care of yourself?”

“Just didn’t know how it felt to get frozen out by you. I should’ve called Aaron for advice.” Her fingers fiddled with the necklace. The light sparked off the silver.

“He would tell you he is the only doctor I still trust.”

“Because the other ones amputated your foot? It was blown to bits!”

“You wouldn’t know about my limbs or any missing parts.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

“I didn't know I was obligated too.”

“Andrew, I’m your friend. Nicky and I made up your nickname. We had our first drinks together.”

He wanted to go upstairs and hole himself up in the room Neil prepared for him. He got too chatty with Renee. Always did. It tired him. But he did not go upstairs. This was one of the conditions of living in this house. This way he would not bother Nicky even more.

He gulped. “I do not owe you anything. You do not owe me anything. If the zombies decide to eat me I’m not your problem.”

Neither of them knew if the zombies were physical or mental. She wanted to hug him. She didn’t. He wouldn’t appreciate it.

“At least take the plant, Andy. You could throw it at their heads. Convince the zombies to become vegan.”

“I could throw it at your head.”

Renee smiled at him like she knew he wouldn’t. She was right. It made Andrew want to throw it even more. “Keep it. Almost everything in here is Neil’s. let something be yours. Keep it in your room for all I care. This pancake plant is low maintenance after all.”

“Pancake plant?” Her smile grew wider. “Okay, I will not throw it at your head. I just want to eat.”

She joined him in finding plates. She knew where all of them were. If she wasn’t a lesbian- He’d almost assume she was dating Neil. Neil sat down at the counter as they pulled the food from the bags.

“I hope the talk went well. I don’t see broken plates anywhere so I’ll believe the silence.” His eyes zeroed in on the plant. “She gave you a plant. Renee, didn’t I tell you all of those die in my house.”

“I’m sure Andrew is better with them than you are. He used to have green fingers.”

“From here all I can see are short ones. In training camp could his finger even reach the trigger.” Andrew froze. His mind sending him miles away. Finger on the trigger. He heard shots all around him. The small house in front of him was empty except for a small boy holding a gun in his hands. He didn’t shoot Andrew. Andrew didn’t shoot him. The guy behind Andrew did and the blood splattered on Andrew’s face. The little boy was dead. Dead and gone and Andrew hadn’t been able to help him. One more person that he had let down.

Renee tried to cover up for Andrew’s panic but Neil had already noticed.

Neil didn’t get closer. He did talk. Directly to Andrew. “Andrew, can you hear me?” Silence to wait for an answer. “Okay, breathe with me first. In, out. In, out. Can you tell me three things you can hear.”

No, he couldn’t. He should. Nicky used to do this for him too.

“Your voice, my heart, Renee eating.”

“Three things you see.”

“Your hair, the ugly drawing on the fridge, spring rolls.”

“Three things you can feel.”

“The chair, my ankle, my shirt.”

Andrew’s breathing evened out a bit more. This was not a good day. This was the second time that day he had freaked out. Maybe he did need to sleep with Nicky for the night. This day was not having a good impact on him.

“Andy, do you still carry the knives?” Renee asked. He nodded. “Than there is nothing to be truly afraid of.”

“There is always something to be afraid off.”

It took her a second to regain control of her face but he had already seen the sad look. He didn’t feel sorry. Feeling sorry meant feeling something at all. Something other than fear and pain and horror. Everything was grey but sometimes things were alarmingly red. This was just a very red day.

Dinner finished quickly. Renee helped put the plates in the washer. No more having to wash them by hand for Andrew.  It was probably the highlight of the day.

He hobbled after Renee to let her out of the house. Neil was trying to set up Netflix on his tv. He claimed he only took it because Matt couldn’t pay for it and Neil knew he wouldn’t just accept Neil paying for the account.

“Don’t forget to throw the plant at the zombies.”

“I don’t forget anything,” Andrew answered because he could not say thank you. A couple more session with Bee and he would tell her.

Renee leant against the doorframe and Andrew leant on his crutches. “So is Neil in your apocalypse team?”

Andrew had to think about that. In the end the answer was simple. “It’s either I take him for mine or he already took me for his. I’m not sure which it is.”

Renee hummed. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”

The door closed behind her.

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