#itsoffthechestatleast

[therealreeku]

I was never a part of a group growing up. I mean, that's not something I'm ashamed of or anything. I was just always better off as a secondary character in everyone else's story. I had my own, but it was a composition of little entrances in everyone else around me's stories. I would always ask myself why I wasn't so deeply indulged in any specific group like everyone else seemed to be. Purely experimental question. Understanding things makes me tick. And not understanding things only makes me want to understand them. I still see some of these random groups currently. In person. On social media. Some of them are a wake up call. I understand now that the reason was because I was too aware. Of life, of the things I said or didn't say. Too aware of what being alive and in control of myself means. Some of these people haven't changed. Haven't changed in the 5, 10, 15 years since I've met them. Back then, the stupid things we did as teenagers were excusable as just that. But we're nearing an age where it's no longer cute and it's translating into downright criminal. And my eyes are open. I could never be that person. Or those people. The ones who float on wind not giving a shit where they land or if they ever do. Most people have their hands out in desperation asking something to steer them in the right direction. Maybe they're scared of making the wrong choices. Maybe they weren't taught responsibility growing up. When does the thirst to always be better end? Because I fear mine has no terminal point. Mentally, motivationally, and wisdom based progression. I would be down right ashamed if I had to come face to face with my lack of try. Maybe that's what they're scared of. Coming face to face with who they are. Maybe they've never had to. Maybe they're not even seeing mirrors. And instead their minds have replaced any reality with cut outs of who they would rather be. But wouldn't it just be fucking easier if you were a better you instead of hallucinating one? Couldn't the mental effort put forth in maintaining the reflective facade be put forth towards actually changing your ideals, your goals for yourself?

#justranting #spilledguts #itsoffthechestatleast