#itsmylife.mst
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 13]
For something that makes absolutely no sense and conveys nothing of substance, this fic does go on for quite a while. I honestly don’t even remember how many chapters are left, but we’re at least a few more from the end.
There’s a bit of gore in this one.
Recap: Marissa tried to take down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion, accompanied by Wheatley, who was predictably useless, and Rattman, who was also pretty useless (and also died, but whether or not that’s permanent remains to be seen). It was revealed that Chell is actually Rattman’s daughter due to some sort of DNA mix-up. The co-op bots showed up to ostensibly help Marissa, but, after she defeated the Chell/GLaDOS fusion (killing Chell in the process), the bots turned on her and shot her in the head.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN OMG I GOT 102 REVIEWS EVEN IF THERE MOSTLY DUM FLAMERZ THATS STILL PRETTY GOOOD FOR A FIRS STORY!
Man, I love her optimism. Raging at your “flamers” is common for badfic writers, so seeing an author be positive about all the reviews she’s getting, even though they’re almost entirely negative, is kind of refreshing.
Unfortunately, MarissaTheWriter dropped this attitude later on, but let’s cherish it while it lasts.
ALSO THANK RAI AN APE SOME THING BECOS THEY GAVED ME SOME REALY COOL IDEAS FOR THE NEW CHAPTERS!
I don’t know who these two are. I’m guessing people who reviewed her story.
PS MARRISSA DIED THAT PROOVES SHES NOT A MARRY SUE OK!
Well, no, actually, dying is really common for Mary Sue characters. In fact, the original Mary Sue, the character from whom we got the term Mary Sue, died at the end of the fanfiction she starred in. It’s a good way to make your OC look tragic.
PPS THIS HCAPTER IS FROM WHEATLY POV
Oh geez. Oh no. I don’t know how much more weird British slang I can take.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER THIRTEN: MARRISSAS RESSUREKSHUN
Yeah, that’s the other thing. Having a character return from the dead has the effect of making them look super special and important, and overdoing that is how we get Mary Sues, so…
This was the most bloody terribel thing ever.
I agree.
Oh, you mean Marissa’s death, not the fanfic itself. I take it back.
Marrisser was died with a gun shoot to her soddin head an blood an branes were all over ever were.
Gross! Thanks for the mental image!
I gared at Atlas an P-Body hoo killed the one thing I loafed an shouted "YOU BLOODY BUGGERS IM GONNA WANK YOU!"
That’s going to be difficult. He has no arms and they have no genitals. It’s Aperture Science, though, so I’m sure he can find a way.
But I didnt have arms so i cold not hurt them but I sooooooo mad they ranned off any way.
Yeah, nothing scarier than Wheatley threatening to “wank” you.
Bloody sods. "Marrissa why didnt I was able to safe you! IM SOOOOO SORRY!" An I cried bloody bukets of robottears.
Not sure how that would work, but I don’t need it elaborated on.
It was the end an I thot a bout commitin sewiside like GLaDOS did when a turrent came up to me.
"GO HEAD AN BLOW ME SODDING BLOODY BRANES OUT SO I CAN BE AT PIECE!" I yelled loud at the turrent. "No im diffrent! I am Oracle Turrent an I no how to make Marrissa alife!"
Wow, okay, that’s a character I wasn’t expecting to make an appearance. The turrets can’t walk, though (except the frankenturrets Wheatley created, but the oracle turret wasn’t one of those), so I’m not sure how this one managed to approach him.
No bloody way I o-mouthed in all the shock. "How can she life wen her hed sodding exploded?" I britished at him for tryin a get my hopes up.
“Stop making up pointless new words!” I Irish-Americaned at the author.
"Rember that she has the speshal powers, one of them is that wen she eats the zombee taters instead of become a zombee wen she dies she just becomes alife a gain!" It all made sense, the turrent was a bloody geinus!
Well, they can’t very well feed her potatoes when she’s a headless corpse, so swing and a miss.
"Common lets wankin go!"
Does anyone know what MarissaTheWriter thinks “wanking” means?
The Oracle Turrent ranned fast an I rolled on my rale right to the zombee taters quikly we grabbed up all of them an got back to Marrissa body.
How are they grabbing things when neither of them have arms?
I coldnt help but cry at the site of my troo love with head all open an messy.
Yeah, sounds pretty gross.
"Its ok Wheatly soon she will life!" The turrent made me more happy an we started stuffin the buggerin taters in Marrissas mouth.
So she’ll come back to life, promptly choke on potatoes, and die again. Excellent plan.
Then she started coffin an all the blood was got healed.
I hope “coffin” was a pun. On second thought, no I don’t.
"W Wheetly?" She asked in the most butiful voice in the hole portal worled.
Marissa, give GLaDOS her vocal processor back right now and no one gets hurt.
"Oh Marrissa I thot you were bloody gone for wankin ever!" We hugged an kissed an things was gettin hot an heavy so the Oracle Turrent left becos he didant want to see that kinna stuff.
I don’t either. I’m going with the turret.
MEANWHILE IN THE PAST
…thinking about whether or not that phrase makes sense is hurting my head. Moving on.
Teen Fortress 2 was MAD an PEEVED at Gabe Jonson an his dotter Marrissa Roberts for killin there leader Cave Jonson.
Hey, hang on a second. Whose point of view are we from now?
They wanted ervange speshally on Marrissa sinse with out her Gabe wold not have been a hard fight.
I’m going to assume for now that we’re just in third person.
"We shold right a mean things on her facebook page!" The evil Heavy dummed. "No you idot this is the past facebook isnt invented yet!" The evil Medik extricated.
Interesting how they know about Facebook although it’s not been invented yet.
All of em was angry but coldnt thing of a way to revenge Marrissa when the evil Ingineer got a idea. "I no! We will create an evil clone of Marrissa an send it to the futur an kill her!" It was a good plan.
Evil clones are always a good plan!
After school the teen fortress all gotted together at evil Ingineers hose an builded the clone mashine.
Ah, yes, the clone machine.
How are they going to clone her? She left. She’s in the future. Doing something I’d rather not think about with Wheatley.
"But we dont have dna evidance?" Evil Sniper said in sexay british aksent.
I doubt that, seeing as he’s Australian.
But the evil spy lolled an pulled out some thing. "I stolled some of her hare just in case we needed it for some thing."
Outside of making evil clones, is there really much use for hair samples?
He frenched an gave evil Ingine the hare an they started to clone Marrissa.
You cannot use “he frenched” like that. You just can’t.
A few mins later the clonin was done an a gurl stepped out hoo looked kinna like Marrissa but more evil an mean with angry face.
So she looks like Chell, but meaner and hotter. Alright. I’m into it.
"I am Assiram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!"
Nice backwards name. Oh, sorry. Ecin sdrawkcab eman.
TO BE CONTINUED!
OH NO! CAN MARRISSA STOPS HER EVIL CLOWN?
I recommend getting a group of kids to fight it in a sewer somewhere in Maine.
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ITS MY LIFE|!
She’s right! Tune in next time for some evil clone and/or evil clown fighting action!
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 12]
Oh yes, friends, it’s back! It’s been entirely too long (two years too long, to be exact) and I hope you’re all ready for some more vaguely Portal-flavored nonsense.
No real warnings for this chapter, just typical MarissaTheWriter ridiculousness. And canon character death, maybe, depending on whether or not you take the events of this chapter at face value (and, if I remember this story correctly, you probably shouldn’t).
Recap: Chell and GLaDOS have fused into one entity, P-body is pregnant, and Marissa for some reason decided that Rattman is the only one who can prevent disaster even though dude is strictly a non-action guy. She located him and now the two of them are planning on taking down the Chell/GLaDOS fusion.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN YOU GUYSARE ALL SO WEIRD! YOU WERE GIVIN ME GOOD REVIEWS THEN YOU SAY IM A TROLL AN THAT YUR GONNA KILL ME AN PUT SALT IN MY THINGS?
That is pretty weird, yeah.
(I’m not even sure what she’s referencing. Maybe a play on “assault”?)
IF IT WERENT FOR THE PEPOLE HOO REALLY LICK MY STORY LIKE THE BUZINESS GUY AN SEPHRAL AN CAT NOT BOUNCY ID STOP IT RITE NOW!
I dunno who Sephral is, but “the buziness guy” is user ASBusinessMagnet (later a recurring character in MarissaTheWriter’s stories; I’m pretty sure we got married at one point), and “Cat Not Bouncy” is Tumblr user catbountry, who was going by “Not Cat Bountry” on Fanfiction dot net and who did a dramatic reading.
PS - I NO THAT GLADOS IS SPELLED GLADOS I CALLED HER FUSION CHELLGADOS BECOS CHELL ALREADY HAS THE LS AN IT SOUNDED MORE COOLER!
See, I told you she’d explain that. All makes sense now, right? Perfectly logical writing decision.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER TWELF: THE FINAL BATTLE
Bit of a misnomer, since this is not, in fact, the final chapter.
(Actually, if I remember correctly, MarissaTheWriter may have been writing by the seat of her pants; it’s possible she initially intended this as the True and Honest Final Battle.)
Ratman an I were goin thru the air ducks to get to CHELLGADOSs layer were the final show down wold be.
Oh my god, she means her lair, not her layer. That literally took me years to figure out. Holy fuck.
Wheatly was growlin an tryin to be scarry becos he didant have weapons so he was lick are cheer leader.
Considering what happens when Wheatley actually tries to be the bad guy, I think this is preferable.
We intered the layer an saw CHELLGADOS buildin turrents but these ones was speshal becos they cold walk a round an shoot an stuff!
Hey, I played Portal 2, I saw the turret assembly line. It’s pretty much autonomous. She doesn’t have to build them herself, and honestly I think she’d find it beneath her.
But maybe things have changed since I left the building.
"INTURDER!" One of the turrents called to CHELLGADOS. CHELLGADOS looked at me with all the angry she ever had.
That’s a phenomenal amount of anger. Surprised Marissa didn’t combust on the spot.
"Marrissa Roberts you have interfeared with my plans for the last time becos now I will kill you."
All right! Time for some murder!
Then she seed Ratman an got more angry. "RATMAN IS A LIFE? NOW YOU WILL BOTH DYE!"
I doubt she cares about killing Rattman, considering that she didn’t do so before and that he poses basically no threat on his own. Like I said… non-action guy.
CHELLGADOS taked out her portal gun wich was modified to shoot bullets lick a reel gun but cold shoot portals to just in case.
Okay, but does it really shoot bullets? I ask because the turrets use spring-loaded action in order to fire the entire bullet, which is obviously a hell of a lot less effective despite delivering more bullet per bullet. Explains why Chell can take so many hits without dying.
Point being, there’s no evidence Aperture Science knows how guns are supposed to work.
She fired the portal gun an it hit Ratman with a boom an I thot he was dead for sure.
But Ratman gotted up!
What? Is he still alive?
"Silly CHELLGADOS you cannt hurt me becos..." He pulled down his pants an I saw that he had replased his man thingys with... the space an rick cores!
…I know we’re leading up to a “balls of steel” joke, and I shan’t comment on that, but this raises so many goddamn questions. How do you replace your testicles with personality cores? A personality core is a hell of a lot bigger, and heavier, than a human testicle. Also, Space Core is in space, so how did Rattman get ahold of him? Did he shrink the cores somehow? How did this make him immune to bullets? How did he fit two personality cores in his pants? Why did he need to flash everybody?
My brain is hurting over this and I know it’s only in the story because the author wanted to make a stupid pun. Moving the hell on.
"IVE GOT BALLS OF STEEL!" (Thats from a game called Duke Nukum Forever its funny) The space core was still thing he was in space but Rick was mad at been one off Ratmans tentacles.
One of his tentacles? Are we in a hentai now?
"Well then ill just portal you into space like Wheatly an see how you like it you wont!" CHELLGADOS shooted a nother portal unner Ratmans feet an he was sucked into s space. "No dont you are my dotter Chell!" Ratman yelled as he got sucked in.
Uh… what? How? I thought Marissa and Chell were both Cave and Caroline’s kids in this story. Wasn’t that established several chapters ago?
"OMG HOW?" CHELLGADOS an me said at the same time to gether. "It all storted a long time ago..." Ratman gave us the down lo as he was just barely hanging on to the portal. "I used to work for Gabe Jonson affer he changed his name to Cave in onor of his dead brother. Caroline was got shot as you no Marrissa an was put in a robot body that was called... GLaDOS!"
Right, we know. How is he hanging on to the portal? Can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.
CHELLGADOS o-mouthed at his shockin words.
Did she forget she spent the beginning of this story being a goth emo over the revelation that she used to be human? Like… this isn’t news anymore.
"Gabe new he wold have to dotters named Marrissa an Chell but since GLaDOS was a prototip she an Cave coldnt make baby normal way an instead used the artificial enseamanation an grew test toob babys.
Hey, what the fuck is the “normal way” to have sex with a giant robot? Seriously, please inbox me if you know. It’s for a friend. I swear.
But there was a miksup an my dna got used instead of Gabes for one of the toobs that toob was... CHELL!" Then Rutman coldnt hold on any longer an fell into space an died.
Why did Aperture Science have a sperm sample from Rattman on file? How did they get DNA from Caroline, since her physical human body no longer exists? How does Rattman know about the mixup? Who carried the baby to term? How did two white people birth a woman of color? How did two white people birth a woman of color? I don’t know if I brought this up earlier in the MST, but I am directing that question at every “Chell is Cave and Caroline’s daughter” theorist too. You’re not off the fucking hook.
Then CHELLGADOS started shackin an looked funny. Chell was fightin back a gainst GLaDOSs control! "Marrissa there is not much time left you must kill me to stopped GLaDOS once and four all!"
Okay, but we know what happens when Marissa kills Chell — thanks to having consumed the “zombie taters,” Chell will just turn into a zombie. You don’t want the most tenacious woman in the world after your brains, but especially not when she’s fused with the most massive collection of wisdom to ever exist, who also hates you.
I o-mouthed becos Chells brane damage was cured so now I coldnt put her out of MISERY lol.
That’s actually not the concern I expected Marissa to have. She has no problem killing disabled people, but being fused with a homicidal AI who is using your body as her puppet is A-OK, even when the victim is begging for death?
Man, this girl could use some new priorities.
"But I cannt kill you Chell yur my sister there must be a nother way! Chell got sad "Hurry GLaDOS is takin control!" An she started lollin with evil. There was no way I cold kill Chell an then I rembered that GLaDOS used to be Carlion an that made me not want to kill herr neither.
Yeah, and remember how she used to be a well-written and complex character who cannot be reduced to a mere villain and who actually likes Chell so much she keeps writing songs about it?
Sorry, there I go talking about canon again.
"Bloody hell Marrissa shes powerin up!" Wheatly screemed from inside my jump soot an I looked up an saw CHELLGADOS was floatin in air an electric stuff was comin out off her. "THANKS MARRISSA YUO REMINDED ME THAT I USED TO BE CARALIN SO I REMBERED THAT I HAVE POWERS TOO!"
Hey, uh, what the fuck?
I o-mouthed, that dumb ingineer forgot to make it so only I gotted the powers! I didant no what to do now an it seemed hope less when a herd a sound. "Hey b**** were heer for backup!" It was... ATLAS AN P-BODY!
Who are they here to back up?
"OMG why are you jersk helpin me?" I asked while o-mouthin from the shock. "Becos CHELLGADOS is half yur sister an we dont lick you so we dont lick Chell neither!" Atlas eksplained. "An I rembered that you gave us the drugs an beer in the first place so if it wasnt for you we woldnt have drugs an beer!" P-Body added an Atlas nodded like yeah!
I guess that’s reasonable. I, too, feel indebted to those who give me drugs and beer.
We started ti fire are portal guns at CHELLGADOS an the portals combined to make a big portal black hole.
Co-op mode would benefit from the inclusion of this feature, I think.
"OH SH**!" CHELLGADOS screamed as the GLaDOS parts were all sucked out off Chell.
Should have attached them better, I guess.
Ones all of GLadOS was gone we closed the portal an Chell falled down on the ground. "Chell I safed you!" I rant to my sister an gave her hug. "Marrissa Im sorry, but the damaje from GLaDOS was to much..."
“…not to mention, having my butt sliced off after someone used their powers a little too recklessly…”
An she dyed in my arms. "Nooooo Chell my sister you are died!" I cried soooo much an Whealty cried to becos they was frends even Atlas an P-Body looked kinna sad.
Isn’t Chell gonna turn into a zombie now or are we not doing the zombie stuff anymore? Was that only because she was brain-damaged? This fic is confusing.
I put down Chells body an stand up when there was a clikclak nose be hind me.
Oh no! Not a clikclak nose!
"LOL we tricked you to get yur guard down Marrissa! Now die b****!" An Atlas an P-Body lolled an shot me in head.
I’ve probably mentioned it before, but I love that the author of this mess has no problem writing over-the-top violence but feels the need to censor the word “bitch.”
"Marrissa!" Wheatly screamed an ever thing got really black an I died.
Love the prose.
TO BE CONTINUED?
Yes, indeed, we’re not done with this fic yet!
OH NO MARRISSA IS DIED!
Oh, yes.
CAN WHEATLY SAFE HER?
Well, seeing as she’s dead, I think it may be a bit late for that.
FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ONE PS IM THINKIN OF MAYBE WRITIN A SPINNOFF A BOUT TEEN FORTRESS 2 AN GABE JONSON AN CARALION LIVIN IN PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL WHAT DO YOU GUYS THIN?
She actually did write that spinoff, by the way. I’ll put my MST of it up on this blog at some point.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 14]
Happy 2018! Though I guess it’s a bit too early to tell, and, as I was just saying on my primary blog, time is fake anyhow. I’d really like to get done with this fic soon so we can move onto new things in the new year, but we’ve still got a few chapters left (three more, actually, after this one).
No warnings except violence.
Recap: Wheatley used the zombie potatoes to revive Marissa. Don’t think about this too hard, or at all. Meanwhile in the past (don’t think about that either) the evil TF2 dudes decided they needed to make an evil clone of Marissa in order to defeat Marissa, so they did. Her name’s Assiram Strebor because of course.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN WHAT IS EVER ONE SAYIN A BOUT WANKER AN WANK? I THOT THEY WERE BRITISH INSULT WORDS AN NOW PEPOLE ARE SAYIN THERE NOTTY STUFF? OMG!
Aww. Someone broke the news to her, I guess.
Technically, “wanker” is an insult, but “to wank” means to masturbate, “wanking” means masturbating, and so on… so basically Wheatley has been spending the entire fic talking about jacking off, including threatening to jack other characters off.
(While we’re at it, “sod” is short for “sodomite” and is thus used as a reference to gay and/or anal sex… so there’s that, too.)
PS THIS CHAP IS IN TH EPAST SO ITS THIRD PERSONAL.
Sure.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER FORTEEN: HOW CAROLINE BECAMED GLADOS: THE FIRST EVIL OF ASSIRRAM
Well, I can tell you that story without the Assiram part. Turns out if you non-consensually brain upload someone into a massive supercomputer, she might be angry about it and try to kill everyone involved. And she might succeed. And she might find out she has a taste for killing, or maybe she already knew she did because she had a high-ranking position at a company known for extremely ethically dubious human experimentation. And then it turns out someone programmed her new supercomputer form to have a euphoric response to putting humans through potentially deadly product testing. And… well, you know.
But since this story has nothing at all to do with canon, nothing I just said is relevant in the slightest and god knows what will happen in this chapter.
"I am Assirram Strebor an I will kill Marrissa Roberts!" The evil clone said to Teen Fortress 2 who happied. "Wate! How can we be shure that shes evil enouf to really kill her?" The evil Solder questoned.
You’re not gonna take the lady at face value? She just told you she’s gonna kill Marissa and she doesn’t even know who Marissa is yet. I’d believe her.
"We will do a test to make sure shes reel evil." The evil Ingineer answered becos he was the boss of there plan. "Assirram you must do an evil thing to proove yur abilities."
Damn, that’s vague. What does she have to do? Kick a puppy?
He ordered an Assirram nodded with a "im gonna kill some body" look on her feces.
Maybe the “Teen Fortress 2” guys should have specified that she shouldn’t kill them.
"Okay f****** b**** ill g******** kill some b******!" Assirram said (she seys a lot of cusses becos shes really evil) an did a evil LOL.
It’s true. I swear like a sailor, and, also like a sailor, I am quite evil.
Assirram gotted out of the evil Ingineers hose an started lookin for a victum when she seed Gabe Jonsons house. "I herd he changed his name to CAVE JONSON affer are leader his ded brother so Ill do evil to hiim!" She thot with evil thots.
She’s evil and a thot? Damn, what a relatable character.
Insid Gabe Jonson an his frend Ratman was buildin a robot body for Caroline an it was almost done.
There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t know where to begin. Moving on.
"Compleet! Now we jus have to turn in on." Ratman siensed so CAVE flipped das switch an the robot mashine started movin an look round.
I hope everyone present is good at holding their breath.
"Gabe is that you?" Caroline asked? "Yes Carlion I have builted a rbot body for you it is called GLaDOS also I changed my name to CAVE in onor of my head brother."
“You know, the one who shot you?”
Ratman started to leaf becos this was a privat family moment. As we walked to the door he seed a girl outsid that was hot an pretty but kinna mean lookin.
So he decided to remove his testicles and replace them with personality cores.
"Ah this must be Caves future dotter Marrissa Roberts!" Ratman said out lowd an let her in but it wasnt Marrissa it was... ASSIRRAM!
…can I point out here that Rattman is a mostly unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic? Emphasis on paranoid? And that dude actually has quite good instincts? No way in hell he’d trust Assiram like that.
Assirram walked thru the halls an got to the GLaDOS robot an Cabe Jonson hoo were makin out.
Sounds a bit one-sided, honestly, since only one of them has a mouth.
"I hope Im not interruptin any thing lol" Assirram lolled so Gave an Caroloin an Cave stopped kissin an looked an saw Assirram.
Based on the phrasing, looks like we’ve got a threesome going on all of a sudden.
"Marrissa are dotter you returned for a visit!" They both exclamation with happy. "Yep an I see you made Caroline a new robot bod." Assirram smied becos her plan was workin an they didant notice that she wasnt Marrissa.
Well, I mean, isn’t she identical to Marissa? I don’t know why either of them would suspect her, since she actually seems to be trying to act like Marissa. Whom she hasn’t met, but whatever.
"Ill leaf you to alone for some mother dotter bondin time ok?" An Gabe went to go talk to Ratman.
I’m sure this will go well.
Caroline was soooo happy that Marrissa was back she thot when Assirram started smilin all evil like a bad clown or the Joker an then... SHE PUT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN CARALINE!
Wait, how? Was she carrying around a thumb drive or something?
"No!" GLaDOS screemed as the virus started to turns her evil. "Why wold you do this Marrissa?/!" Gabe Jonson yelled from the windo. She lolled meanly an said "I am not Marrissa I AM ASSRAM!"
You know, I’m not crazy about the name Marissa, but anything beats “Assram.”
An then Caraline turned full evil into GLaDOS.
That was fast.
"NOW I AM EVIL AN I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE NEROTOKSIN!"
Not sure Assiram thought this one through all the way.
Befour the cold do any thing Assirram went gone back to the evil Ingineers house.
Oh, never mind, I guess she’s fine.
Gabe screemed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" An he screemed it really lowd.
Just in case you couldn’t tell from the caps lock.
The evil Teen Fortes 2 was watchin the hole thing on there tv camra (but it was black an wite becos its the past so they coldnt see the nerotoksin becos it was green an not black or white so it didant show up).
Their camera can only pick up black or white objects? Wow, I’m sure they’re seeing lots on that thing.
Assirram came in from the door an all were cheerin at her. "You are reelly evil Assirram the plan will work!" The evil Ingineer congradulationed. "Indeed im so evil that Im gonna betray you!" An she pulled out a mashine gun an started to shoot up the evil Teen Fortress 2 becos she was just THAT MEEN!
I dunno why they didn’t see that one coming, honestly. I was going to make a joke about them being stupid teenagers, but then I remembered that I called this twist back in the original version of this MST which was written when I myself was a stupid teenager, so I’m not sure that’s fair.
Then Assirram seed the nettle that gived you powers lick Marrisssas so she injekted it into arm an alls went glowy an electric. "Now I have POWERS so I can kill Marrissa an her dumb robot ball boyfrend to an maybe take over the hole world!" She lolled with the most evil ever.
Hey, how do these powers work? I thought Assiram would already have powers given that she’s Marissa’s clone, but maybe this stuff doesn’t actually alter your DNA and I was just assuming it does because the injectable powers reminded me of BioShock. Come to think of it, how do you ensure a clone will be evil? Is that just automatically what happens when you clone somebody, like a particle vs. antiparticle thing? Is there an evil gene?
But then she realized... how wold she get to the future with the evil Teen Fortress 2 died?
She’s an evil clone, not a clever clone, I see.
"Ill just make the good Teen Fortress force me to make a time mashine an maybe kill them after words." She thot smartly but it was a evil smartly like a mad sientist.
Or maybe she’s both. I don’t know. Girl will fit right in at Aperture Science regardless.
Assirram used the fly power to fly to school were Gave Jonson an Ratman were givin Teen Tortes 2 the down lo. "An then the evil clone putted a comuter virus in GLaDOS an she turnsed evil!" Gabe was cryin wile Ratman gaved him tishyous.
I have no idea what author intention was for the “GLaDOS is evil because of an evil computer virus” plot point, but it’s kind of hilarious as a parody of bad Portal fandom headcanons. I see way too much sweet innocent Caroline vs. totally irredeemably evil GLaDOS in fanworks, and it’s honestly pretty silly. Yes, the upload process was undoubtably traumatic, and having that amount of power coupled with an uncontrollable desire to conduct unethical product testing is a really bad mix, but you cannot convince me that Caroline was any sort of angel. Come on. She worked for Aperture fucking Science.
But, again, this is “ITS MY LIFE!” so canon can go fuck itself for the time being.
Assirram flewed out to them at Portal High School an used her powers to makea glowy gun like in Green Latern (that movie was dum but he had cool powers I think Marrissa will have them to).
That movie was dumb, I agree, but I think this fanfic tops it.
"Built me a time mashine or Ill kill you all!" Assirram ponted the gun at Cave Jonsons head an coked the trigger. "OK OK WELL DO IT DONT SHOT!" The Ingineer screemed an they worked fast to build the time mashine.
Why’d she threaten Cave instead of threatening the Engineer directly? Weird detail.
…also, all of the Team Fortress 2 guys being overpowered by a single person is kind of funny, even if she does have superpowers.
Assirram got itn an prepared to go to the future. "Marrissa will stop you you cant win!" Cave Jonson said but Assirram just lolled an turned on the time mashine an flash bang boom she was gone to the future. "Marrissa has to powerful enouf to stop her shes the worlds only hope!" Ratman said with brave an they all nodded.
Rattman should do some inspirational graffiti if he believes in her that much.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Hooray! Can’t wait for... whatever the fuck happens at the end of this story, I honestly forget.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 11]
We're doing two in one night, because, y'know, I'm on a roll or something.
There is a description in this chapter that might qualify as body horror, and the r-slur gets used to describe brain-damaged!Chell again.
Recap: Gabe Jonson's evil twin Cave Jonson (don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it) cloned the cast of Team Fortress 2 and then everyone got in a fight. The time machine was destroyed. Cave Jonson and Marissa fought, and, though Cave was eventually defeated (by Gabe, though, not Marissa), Caroline was tragically killed. Gabe Jonson vowed to immortalize her in murderous giant robot form. The time machine was repaired and Marissa returned to the present.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN I CANT BEELEVE HOW MANY REVIEWS MY STORY IS GETTIN SOON ILL HAVE A HUNDERD! I LOVE YOU GUYZ!
For the record, nearly all of these reviews were nasty. One of the things I loved about early!MarissaTheWriter was her good-natured attitude towards her reviewers, even those she acknowledged to be flamers (in early chapters she would promise better content to those reviewers who were dissatisfied); this changed in later fics, where she became extremely vitriolic towards her critics, writing many of them into her stories as villains and often giving them horrible, gory death scenes. Kinda sad, really. May be why I always had a sense of MarissaTheWriter's work going downhill in later fics.
PS OK I WAS RONG ABOUT CAVE JONSON I THOT HIS NAME WAS GABE SO TO FIX THE PLOT HOLE, AFTER MARRISSA WENT TO FUTURE GABE JONSON CHANGED NAMED TO CAVE IN ONOR OF HIS DED BROTHER.
Well, that clears everything up.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER ELEVEN: RIES OF CHELLGADOS
“CHELLGADOS”?
“Oh thank bloody god were finally back in the sodding present Marrissa!” Wheatly happily said to me as we got out of time mashine into Portal Labs like it was befour.
Did you miss Wheatley and his horrible dialogue? I know I did… n’t.
With GLaDOS an Atlas an P-BODY died from last time now we cold have peace at last. Then some weerd noises started to come out of the walls lick something was climbin in im.
At this point it helps if you imagine the horror movie music.
The wall boomed up an a the scarryest thing ever came out it was… CHELL AN GLaDOS FUSIONED.
I’m all for shipping them but this is just ridiculous.
“Hahaha Marrissa you didt make sure I was realy dead. Now I have fused with Chell an she is the body an I am the brane an butt (Becos shes a a**!)”
Not really. "Ass" usually refers to someone who behaves foolishly, y'know, like a donkey. Come to think of it, are donkeys actually foolish? Have we all been wrongfully stereotyping donkeys all these years?
Chell was all covered with robothings an wiers with GlaDOSs head were her booty was an sum tubes in Chell face.
So is Chell now talking out her ass?
“Buggering wanker shes gone mad!” Wheatly cried.
CHELLGAODS lolled an opened a door from the wall an guess who stepped oot… ATLAS AN P-BODY bu something was diffrent about P-Body. She had a big bumpy thing in her robot place.
You know, I'm so disappointed. I wanted P-body to be a trans robot, dammit.
Not that pregnancy should be possible for a robot anyhow, but... you get what I mean.
“Atlas you b**** you madded me preganent now I cant drink or smoke drugs!” P-Body was soo mad soundin but Atlas said “Well you sholda thot about that befour we-”
“—did something no one outside of the kink meme wants to hear about.”
“SHUT UP YOU TO AN KILL MARRISSA!” CHELLGaDOS interoperated, they looked mean at me but I was fed up with all this an just shot my power blast at them an Atlas an P-Body bloomed up.
Did they turn into a pretty flower?
“Oh dear god save the queen its some bloody toobs!” Wheatly pointed up with eye an I look up an saw that toobs made Atlas an P-Body a gain!
Yeah, nothing scarier than tubes, Wheatley. The queen would likely be terrified if she wasn’t dead.
“Ever time you kill them I can just rebuild LOL” CHELLGaDOS said really loud.
If you’re wondering why MarissaTheWriter keeps typing “CHELLGaDOS” instead of “ChellGLaDOS,” don’t worry! It’s not a typo! All will be explained later!
I did a doble jump an grabed the toob, stuffin Wheatly in my jumpsuit so he was happy becos my chests were so big an squishy.
What I find odd is that there’s apparently room for Wheatley in Marissa’s jumpsuit. I mean, what, is it ten sizes too big?
Or is Marissa actually busty enough that she can do the thing where you keep your valuables (phone, wallet, etc.) in your bra, but with Wheatley?
I climed up the toob an entered the walls behind. All the wierd drawings was there sayin stuff like “The cake is lie” an things. There was only one person hoo cold stop CHELLGaDOS… RATMAN!
Rattman is a non-action dude, which is the entire reason behind the plot of both Portal games. He got the ball rolling by arranging for Chell to be tested next, when really she shouldn't have been a test subject at all thanks to her abnormal tenacity. He endangered the life of a woman he didn't even know (and it's definitely something he felt guilty over) because he knew he couldn't do it himself. Plus, with his mental state constantly worsening due to unmedicated schizophrenia (and likely other problems as well, thanks to all the trauma he's been through, the shortage of food, isolation, etc.), he's probably in much worse condition to fight GLaDOS now than he was at the outset. If he's even still alive.
That being said, this is a MarissaTheWriter fic so canon doesn't matter! Can't wait for the epic Rattman vs. "CHELLGADOS" showdown.
I had to find him usin my detective powers so I used them an saw that Rtaman had writed this stuff about 10 AM so the trale was still hot.
I ran thru the air ducks dodgin fans an cleaner robots that keeped sayin I was soo pretty an asking me to date them so Wheatly said “F*** OFF YOU BLOODY BURGERS!” An they stopped makin words.
Bloody burgers?
Since when are there cleaner robots?
There was a crumbly sound an I looked back, CHELLGaDOS was followin me thru the ducks!
I don't have a duck joke, but you can imagine one if you want.
“YOU CANNOT ESKAPE ME THIS TIME MARRISSA YOU WILL FINALLY DYE FOR STOPING ME FROM SEWISIDING AN BREAKIN MY TESTS!”
I try to be amused by GLaDOS's dialogue, but it's so bad that I don't know if I can be.
She was soo mad that she punched alls the way thrur part of the air duck an made Chells hand all bloody an bone. “YEOOUCH!” CHELLGaDOS yelled forgettin she was Chell an GlaDOS now so both feeled the same hurt. I lolled at them an sprinted way with my lung fall boots.
Try to imagine GLaDOS yelling “YEOOUCH!”. I tried, and I couldn’t do it.
The air duck collapsed so it was a good thing my long boobs cold brake the fall.
Little-known perks of being busty.
“Its a good thing we finally meet at last, Marrissa.” A strange lookin guy with thin an labcoat that was like cape say. “I am Ratman I fight a gainst the bad robots lick CHELLGaDOS an now we can teem up. Heer take this weapon its like GLaDOSs diskourage lazer beams but a gun.”
Thermal Discouragement Beams. Those are called Thermal Discouragement Beams.
And where’s Rattman’s Companion Cube?
I lolled at him an esplained “I dont need weapons I have cool powers instead.” An I went all glowy an electric an Ratman got a “dude WTF” look on his feces.
Kind of like the looks your readers have on their faces, MarissaTheWriter?
He got two of the lazer guns an put them on an said “Alrite Marrissa lets get ready to fight an kill CHELLGaDOS once an four all!” But I got kinna nervos becos then I wold have to kill my retorded sister an mom together too…
…not to mention, a good chunk of the canon cast…
TO BE CONTINUED!
SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT BUT THE NEXT ONE IS THE BIG FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN MARRISSA AN CHELLGADOS OR IS IT? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
Oh boy.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 10]
Everyone ready for more Marissa? Sure you are!
There's some gore in this chapter, and a (canon) character dies. The gore is mild, though (well, it's not really, but it's not described in much detail), and, as usual, everything is ameliorated by its being ridiculous.
Recap: Honestly, nothing really happened last time except a guest appearance by the cast of Team Fortress 2. Also, Chell and GLaDOS have now fused into one entity, but it doesn't really bear thinking about.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN THIS CHAPTUR IS REALLY ENTENSE BECOS THERES A LOT OF ACKTION!
And by “acktion” I’m hoping she doesn’t mean “hot OC-on-Wheatley action,” because that would be a bit too entense for me.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER TEN: WHO IS CAVE JONSON?
No one, so far as I know. I've heard of a Cave Johnson, and even of a Gabe Jonson, but this is a new one.
I got reddy to step into the time mashine with Wheatly when a guy showed up who looked my dad but more meen. “I am CAVE JONSON who is GABE JONSONS more evil twin!”
Well, looks like we answered that question. I guess we don't need to continue with this chapter after all.
He lolled like bad an some guys camed up from behind him. “I also cloned all yur frends to make evil ones they are called… TEEN FORTRESS 2 (Becos there in High School get it)!”
So is this the RED team or the BLU team?
I new that Caroline had powers now so I just went into the mashine when the evil Demomon explodd it. This was soo sad, I had finally gotted a way to return to the time when an now it was gone.
It's incredible how emotional this writing is. You can really feel Marissa's pain at not being able to return to her correct time. MarissaTheWriter is truly one of the literary greats.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I yelled like the sun an my powers golwed all round me with sparks an lighting.
Fluorescent lighting?
Also, “yelled like the sun”? How does the sun yell?
“I AM THE DEMONMAN!” Said the Demonaman an he fired bombs at the evil guys but Cave Jonson lolled some more an said “I have made the immune with sheelds you cannot hurt them.”
Couldn’t you at least use portals? (Does Marissa still have her portal gun?)
Let's all appreciate Demoman Demonaman's dialogue.
My powers were still chargin up an they finished an I fired a bolt of electric stuff at Cave Jonson but then… HE FIRED ANO BOLT OF ELECTRIC STUFF TO ME! “Haha ha! The evil Ingineer gave me powers like yurs Marrissa now you will die!”
Cave Johnson has superpowers?!
I change my mind, the existence of this chapter is completely justified.
He shooted more powers at me but I had a trick, I still had me portal gun.
Well, that answers my question. But why did no one comment on it before?
And why didn’t she use it before?
I powered up teh gun an fired a black hole to were Cave Jonson was.
The black hole started suckin up all the things but Cave Jonson cold fly an escaped.
Yeah, I don’t think being able to fly is really adequate to escape a black hole. Being able to exist outside the realm of physics, on the other hand, might come in handy.
“Can I fly to?” I asked in shock at the power. “No, you can only space flight but Ill put the power Caroline becos shes yur mom.” So the Engineer taked out nettle a gain an put it in Paroline an I started to hoover.
This has nothing to do with vacuums!
Or anything, for that matter. This has nothing to do with anything. There might as well be vacuums.
“FLY ON!” I yelled an soared to wards Cave Jonson who was at the tracks beatin up all the football players an tryin to molest the cheer leaders becos he was an evil jerk like Atlas an P-Body. “Hey you big jerk Cave Jonson pice on someone yur own size!” I smirked with hands on hips.
So Marissa is the same size as Cave Johnson?
“No you dont you die!” Cave lolled an shot lighting bolts an power missiles at me. I used my detective power to figure out were he wold fire an be in a nother place wen he did. “How can I not hit you with all my big booms?”
Hit me with your big booms... c'mon, hit me with your big booms... fire away...
I lolled at him. “Thats becos yur a bad guy an an bad guys loose!”
This is some 4Kids level dialogue right here.
Then I shot him with the biggest powerup I ever had an there was a big flash an Cave Jonson was gone.
I flewed back to the jim an saw Gabe an Caroline an Wheatly an the good Teen Fortress 2 cheerin “Marrissa! Marrissa! Yay!” They were all so happy an proud of me it brot a tears to my eye.
It brought a tears to her eye. A tears. A singular, yet plural tear.
“You guys are all the best! You shold come with me an Wheatly to the future!” Gabe Jonson looked sad an told me “No Marrisser, if we go life in the future then it will break the time streem an cause a paradoks.”
Marissa traveling in time isn't a paradox, but if anyone else does it it is. Okay.
I cried alittle more an hugged Gabe an Caroline. “I guess this is goodbye my grate future dotter.” Caroline sniffled. “Also you must have a nother child named Chell but she will be less hot an pretty than me ok?” They both nodded “Ok” an we were all happy.
“No, really, I mean it. You have to make sure she’s uglier than me. It’s very important.”
“Marrissa I’ve repaired the time mashine its time for you an Wheatly to home.” The good Ingineer said. I picked up Wheatly hoo was a sleep becos he didnt have his rale to charge on an stepped into the mashine.
Wheatley can sleep?
Am I the only one who’s imagining the time machine making the TARDIS sound?
Lights started goin an flashin when suddenly… CAROLINE WAS GOT SHOT! “I was not dead it was just a trick!” Cave Jonson sayd holdin up the gun.
So, what, he turned invisible right as Marissa hit him?
Gabe went on the ground an cried some then stood up an screemed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“THIS STORY MAKES NO SEEEEEENNNNNNNSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Then with all the furry from his hole mussely body Gabe Jonson jump kicked Cave Jonson an blew up his head.
He kicked him and that blew up his head?
Cave Jonson was died for real now but at what cost?
At the cost of your story sacrificing yet another little scrap of its already tiny amount of credibility.
Gabe ranned to Caroline body (I coldnt becos the mashine was still powerin up with me in it). “Carlion, pleese be ok!” Gabe cried to Caroline an blood was comin out of her every where.
So, blood coming out of her eyes, nose, mouth, ears, skin… and so on…
“Im sorry Gabe but the woond is fatal she will dye soon.” The Medik said with tear in eyes.
Yeah, because the Medic really gets all choked up when someone dies or is injured.
I don’t care if he’s “the good Medic,” this is still OOC.
“Gabe, Marrissa, I… love… you…”
“…but in different ways… obviously…”
Then she died.
So now Marissa shouldn’t exist and none of this will have happened. But if this didn’t happen, Marissa would exist. And if Marissa existed, then she’d screw things up again and Caroline would die. But if Caroline died before Marissa was born, Marissa wouldn’t exist. But if Marissa didn’t exist, this wouldn’t have happened, and—
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Gabe cried a gain. “I will build you a new robot body Caroline an it will be called… GLaDOS!”
“Just invented that name on the spot, have no idea what it means.”
I o-mouthed but befour I cold stop him the time mashine sent me back to the future!
I could write quite extensively about how this story contradicts canon, itself, and common sense multiple times, but I really don’t want to think about it any more than I have to.
TO BE CONTINUED!
OH NO! NOW MARRISSA AN WHEATLY ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT BUT CAROLINE IS TURNED INTO GLADOS!
So what? That already happened anyway.
AN WHAT IS HAPPENED IN PORTAL LABS NOW THAT CHELL AN FUTURE GLADOS ARE FUSIONED?
Sexytimes, obviously.
FIND OUT NEXT IME ON ITS MY LIFE!
Yay!
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 9]
I meant to post on Christmas, but I slept most of the day on Christmas. Anyway, it may be late, but here’s the next chapter of MarissaTheWriter’s debut fanfiction. Happy holidays.
Recap: Last chapter involved a lot of time travel, and that made it even harder to follow than this author’s work usually is, but I’ll do my best to sum up the important bits. We got to see Marissa and Wheatley’s first meeting, after which Marissa’s powers accidentally transported her even further back in time, to when Caroline and “Gabe” were in high school. Marissa is now living with Caroline, the setting is clearly the latter half of the 20th century rather than the former half, and Marissa has explained to Caroline that she’s from the future and is Caroline’s daughter. Think that about catches us up.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN THIS WILL BE THE CHAPTER WITH ALL THE BIG REVLATIONS!
Sounds exciting.
PS P-BODY IS A GILR? THANKS FOR TEH INFO ILL WORK THAT INTO THE STORY!
Via a bizarre retcon, I’m sure. (I feel like a wonderful opportunity for trans robots is being missed.)
PPS OF CORSE GABE JONSON IS DEAD THATS WHY MARRISSA FOUND HIM IN ARDOID HELL DUH!
Why would a human go to android hell upon dying? Is our good pal “Gabe” secretly an android?
…actually not too ridiculous a plot twist for this author.
ALSO WHOS CAVE JONSON IS HE LICK GABES EVIL TWIN THATS A GOOD PLOT IDEA!
Oh no.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER NINE: PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL AN A REVALATION!
Should I be worried? I feel worried.
I turnsed round an saw that it was… WHEATLY! “Marrissa Im soo glad I found you! The black bloody hole sodding sucked me in too!”
What? How could it have? Didn’t he get “punced” in the last chapter (by GLaDOS, no less)?
I gloped Wheatly an gave lots of hug an kisses while CAROLINE (See I listen to constertive crit instead of FALMER TROLLZ) was all “OMFG”.
Poor MarissaTheWriter. Her reviewers are such falmer trollz.
Also, “gloped”?
Wheatly locked at Carline an said “Who the bloody hell is this ugly bugger?” Becos she wasnt a pretty an hot as me an Wheetly wasnt used to seein other humans.
Shut up. I’m sure she’s gorgeous.
Notice how Marissa immediately goes back to misspelling Caroline’s name.
“I better explain all this stuff this is my boyfrend Wheatly the robot-ball (I cant rember was GLaDOS called him an it was meen an stupid any way) we’re from the future where yur an we need to get back to then.”
What GLaDOS called Wheatley? You mean “that little idiot”?
(No, I know she means “Intelligence Dampening Sphere.” At least, I think she does.)
I gave Carolion the down-lo. “Ok but I am ony a junor in Portal High School so im not smart enuff yet to build a time mashine. But I no some guys hoo can.”
So, let me get things straight: Is this a high school AU fic now, or is this just some high school Cave and Caroline went to? Because, if it’s high school AU, then why is it not mentioned that it’s alternate universe? And if it’s the past and Cave and Caroline attended school together, why is the school called “Portal High School”?
Then Cabe Jonson came in the room.
You might want to word that differently.
Also, since Cave and Gabe are apparently two different characters now, which one is this?
“I herd every thing! We must wate for toromow then go to school an time mashine you too.”
…Does anyone know what this means?
So Gabe Jonson went home an me an Caroline an Wheatly all sleeped in her big doble bed but we didnt do no thing gross lick that ok!
Well, good, because Caroline is your mother, Marissa.
The next mornin we woke up an readied for school. “Marrissa how can I school when im a bloody roboball?”
This reminds me of a dream I had where I was at school and Wheatley showed up. I remember being irritated because he wouldn’t shut up and I kept getting weird looks.
At no point in my dream did Wheatley ask how he could school, or refer to himself as a “bloody roboball,” however. You have to focus on the small blessings in life.
Caroline smied an said “Dont worry I can pretend yur my sience fare project.”
“Since, you know, high school students often invent sentient AIs.”
We got Portal High School in Carlines car which as a cool ferrari. Are long hare was blowin in the breeze an we were signing pop sungs like “Party in the USA” an “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” an Wheatly sang to but didt no the words.
Do I even have to point out that this makes no sense? Well, in case I do: Aperture Science was founded by Cave Johnson in 1947. You do the math as to what time this would be taking place.
When we gotted to Portal High there was a lot of guys starin at me becos I was the new girl an more hot an pretty than the others.
And totally not a Mary Sue or anything.
“Sorry duds Im takin =D” I waved cool an struted my stuff with Carlion.
You don’t want those guys anyway, Marissa. They’re duds.
“When do we meet the time mashine?” I asked to Caraline an she said “Gabe said his frends will meet us a lunch we have to class until then.”
“Meet” the time machine? What, is it sentient?
(Actually, in this fic it wouldn’t come as a surprise.)
Are first class was jim (Caroline hacked the net work so all are classes were the same).
Again, this is the early nineteen-somethings. No network. No hacking.
I spent a minute or so wondering who “Jim” was before I figured out that she meant “gym.”
Affer we got in are jim close some guys were starin at me an hootin an lookin at my bobs so I yelled “YOU PERVEARTS!” An they ran away becos they saw me ‘angry face’.
But not because she’s a Mary Sue or anything.
“OMG!” Caroline OMGed “Look at the noo mascots there soo coot!”
Yes, OMG was just used as a verb.
I looked at them an saw… “Carline those not mascots there… ATLAS AN P-BOY!”
Because they’d totally blend in.
Altas an P-Boy saw mee an P-Boy “MY NAME IS P-BODY NOW BECOS IM ACTUALLYA GIRL!” P-Body yelled loud at me.
On the bright side, looks like we have canon trans robots.
I o-mouthed an Caroline went all “Dude WTF?” a gain.
Yeah, I don’t blame her.
“Give us more drugs an beer or well shoot you an yur frend!” Atlas goaded an taked out a guns.
I don’t think this is a very well thought-out plan. Marissa and Caroline probably don’t have any “drugs an beer” and there are presumably other people the co-op bots can get those things from.
Caroline was a scarred an shakin while I jus held Wheatly reel tite but he didt say no thing becos he was pretendin to be a sience fare project.
Wheatley knows how to shut up?!
That may be the most unbelievable thing in this story so far.
“OH NO YOU DONT!” A big fat kid russianed at Atlas an P-Body an landed on them like squish! He goot up an brush robot parts of off him an went to shack my hand.
“Russianed”?
“My name is Russian name so pepole just call me Heevy cos Im reel fat LOL!” Heavy russianed to me while I was shackin his hand.
Oh dear lord.
Team Fortress 2 crossover? Really?
“You got heer just in time.” Caroline lolled.
The Heavy guy ponted to the left an there were some other guys. “These are my frends, we all has cool niknames they are: Scot, Spy, Solder, Medik, Sniper, Demonman, Piro an Ingineer were seinors so we can smart enuff to build time mashine for you.”
I’ll admit I laughed at “Demonman” and the Scout being called “Scot.”
Is this the BLU team or the RED team?
The Ingineer got up to me. “Well little lady I herd you need a time mashine builted. Well Im a seinor an I passed my time mashine exam so I can help!”
I rather like the idea that there’s a “time machine exam.”
He started buildin the time mashine when Gabe Jonson came in.
“Well I guess this is goodbye my dotter.” He cried a little an gave me hug an I hug back. “Ill miss you to Marrissa Roberts yur the best dotter I didt have yet.” Caroline was cryin so I gave her hug too.
Why is Marissa’s last name “Roberts” if her dad’s last name is Johnson? I mean, I know it would have ruined the twist, but still.
The Ingineer gotted up an said “THE MASHINE IS COMPLEET!” Befour I cold go in the Ingineer stoped me an took out a big nettle.
A big nettle? Is he going to sting her with it?
“Also I made a injecshun that will give you speshal powers.”
Because the Engineer can totally do stuff like that. Wouldn’t that be more suited to the Medic?
I lolled an said “I already have them becos this is the past this must be how I got them in the first place.” The Ingineer thot a min an said. “Okay Ill put them in Caroline so when she babys you then you have them to not mess up the time streem.” He put the nettle in Caroline an electric happened all over her an I felt even MORE POWER FULL.
Makes perfect sense.
I grabed Wheatly an got ready to go in the mashine when…
MEANWHILE IN THYE FUTURE!
Back in the future Chell was still tryin a booty quake but no thing jigglewiggle.
It’s a bit difficult to “booty quake” when your butt got sliced off.
In fact, I would imagine that lots of things would be… somewhat… difficult. Like being alive.
“Hey you over there come heer!” A voice said an Chell went to it. It was GLaDOS head not died affer all!
Yeah, well, she never does die, does she?
For which I am very, very GLaD.
“I can be yur new booty!”
That makes sense.
So Chell piced up GLADS an put where butt was there. GLaDOS started to LOL all evil an wiers came out of her an into Chell so she was transform just like GLaDOS planed…
TO BE CONTINUED!
*dramatic reverb*
OH NO CHELL AN GLADOS IS FUSED TO CHELLGADOS! HOW CAN MARRISSA STOP HER NOW AN CAN SHE EVEN GET BACK OR IS SOME THING GOIN DOWN AT PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL? FIND OUT NEXT TIEM!
So, to recap: No big revelations, just one absurd TF2 crossover and much mangling of canon/history/the minds of us all.
I bet you just can’t wait for more.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 8]
This fanfic continues to be even worse than I remembered it. Worse in a good way, of course.
Some sexual references in this chapter. Nothing explicit, but it is made clear that two characters have sex. Also, one of those characters is a robot.
Recap: Marissa killed everyone. No, really; her powers were stronger than she counted on and, long story short, she ended up killing everyone in the fic, minus Chell, who merely got her butt sliced off. (Don't think about it.) In an attempt to set things right, Marissa found a time machine and is now trying to travel to the past in order to fix her mistakes. Or something.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER ATE: TIME FOR ADVENTURE
Chapter ate?
The time mashine squirted me out into the past an I looked round.
The time machine… squirted you out into the past?
Oh, also, in regards to the time machine — what I find the most irritating about a time machine just randomly appearing with absolutely no explanation is that it would have been incredibly easy to come up with an explanation for why Aperture has a time machine lying around. I mean, seriously now.
I cold see a girl in a jumpsuit like mean doin tests bu she was much less hot an pretty so it must’ve been past Chell.
Is this really a difficult distinction to make or do you just need to emphasize how much more attractive you are than your sister?
“OH GURGS!” I yelled in sad, Chell didt do tests becos she was booty quakin so I must’ve goned to far back to Portal 1!
Does anyone know what “OH GURGS!” is supposed to mean?
But the time mashine hadnt been invention yet so I had to find a nother way.
So you went back in time to before the time machine was invented? Isn’t that some sort of paradox?
“YUO ARE NOT PART OF TESTS PREPAIR TO DI!” GLaDOS said at me but I still had my portal gon an powers.
You have no idea how much I HATE HATE HATE this dialogue for GLaDOS.
I charged my powers into the portal gun wich made it glow an electric stuff round it. I fried it an the portal wasnt a normal portal but a blak hole!
If I remember correctly from the Aperture Science Investment Opportunity videos, doesn’t the ASHPD contain a black hole at its center? That was in the “Boots” video, right? I’m not making this up?
At any rate. For this story, that’s actually a reasonable plot development. Well done, author.
Chell wasnt brane damage yet so she was smart an got away bu the GLadOS camra wasnt lucky an got sucked in. I lolled at dead GLaDOS camera an went to find some thing that could make me future.
Wait wait wait wait wait. What?
The entire black-hole thing only served to destroy one of GLaDOS’s wall cameras?
That has got to be the dumbest thing I ever—
I saw sum rbots doin tests in a diffrant room an they looked kin a familiar.
Wait a minute. GLaDOS hasn’t created Atlas and P-body yet.
“Hi my name is Atlas an this is P-Boy (he changes his name to P-Body later thats why hes P-Boy in the first few chapters).
Glad you fixed that continuity error! Fic's totally better now!
” P-Doy waved nice at me I realised these must be prototip Atlas an P-Body from befour they were jerks!
So why’d they turn into jerks? No reason? Drugs and beer? GLaDOS being a meanie? [Insert alternate guess here]?
“My name is Marrissa Roberts an Im lookin for a time mashine to get me BACK FO THE FURTURE lol.” Atlas an P-Boyd didnt understan becos this was the past an Back to the Future wasnt invented yet.
I know next to nothing about Back to the Future, and I’m not too clear about when the events of the first game take place (especially since the timeline’s been retconned since Portal 2 came out), but I’m willing to bet that Back to the Future had already been “invented” at that time.
Not that Atlas and P-body — sorry, P-boy — would know about it anyway. Or Marissa, for that matter.
“GLaDS didt make a time mashine yet bu you can sleep in the relax hotel for some years or somefin.” P-Boy said an I went there.
Much like Atlas and P-body are never called Atlas and P-body in the dialogue, GLaDOS is never referred to by name by any of the other characters. Sure, Portal's cast is also very small and a significant portion of it is nonverbal (Chell and the co-op bots), but Wheatley's too terrified of GLaDOS to use her name, and I kind of feel like the bots would be, too, if they could talk.
In any case, it feels weird. Though god knows why I'm pointing that out in the context of this fic anyhow.
Little did I no I had assidentaly left some drugs an beer from Wheatly body in the room an Atlas an Pboy saw them an smoked them an became jerks!
See? Everything really is your fault. I’ve been trying to tell you that, but you were too busy ruining everything to listen to my advice.
Usin’ a portal I got to relax hotel in notime there was a lot of sleepin guys an a robot ball lookin at them.
Okay, so it’s probably Wheatley. But wouldn’t it be better if it was one of the other personality cores for a change?
My heart droped in happy.
As hearts are wont to do.
“WHEATLY!” I screemed ayn rand towards him.
…sigh.
Wheetly looked ta me an said “Bloody hell yur the most butiful girl Ive ever wankin seen!” This must been when Wheatly an I first met! “OMG How do you no my name an woo are you?” He asked too.
I’d point out that this is just messing up the timeline, but there are so many ways to write a time-travel story that I don’t even know what this author is trying to do. Also, it’s a nonsensical story.
“Im Marrissa an I no yur name becos… I guessed lucky?”
Well, that’s certainly believable.
I didt want to let Whatly no I was from the future or Id mess up the time streem.
Okay, good, we’re laying down some basic ground rules here. Let’s hope MarissaTheWriter sticks to them.
“Do you no how I can get to the future?”
…and she didn’t. Well, I suppose that’s not very surprising. But nonetheless.
Nice job breaking it, hero.
Wheatly thot on my question. “Sorry I can think becos yur so hot an pretty I get distracted.”
“And not because I’m a moron or anything.”
I lolled at the compliment an gave him a kiss.
…oh god I don’t want to read about Marissa kissing Wheatley please someone make it stop…
“I AM IN LOFE WITH YOU!” An I smelled at him.
Did he smell nice? The fangirls would like to know.
“Wheatly yur such a charmer I love you toe.” Wheatly o-mouthed an WE STARTED TO MAK OUT!
That sounds both awful and one-sided.
An you pervs out there Im not riting what happened next! =P
Good.
After Wheatly an are “private time” (winkwink) Wheatly say “Ill put you in this bed an you can sleep till the future my lopve.”
I really hate all this wink wink nod nod allusions to sex scenes I did not actually write stuff. Especially when the sex in question (between a metal sphere and a Mary Sue) sounds totally unappealing to being with.
I thot to myself how cold I have ever gotted a better guy than Wheet.
Well, maybe next time you could try for one that’s human. Though that might be setting your sights a bit high.
The it happened! The wall falled away an GLaDOS was lookin at me.
Because she’s just chillin’ like a villain on the other side of the wall, apparently.
“MARRISSA ROBERTS I NO WHO YOU ARE AN THAT YUR FROM THE FUTURE!”
And how does she know that? Just because she’s GLaDOS?
Unless she overheard Marissa’s comment about going “Back to the Future.” Or worse — she could hear what Marissa was saying to Wheatley, which implies that she heard, uh, the non-solution-related euphoria that was presumably taking place.
Which would completely justify any awful thing she decides to do to one or both of them now.
Wheatly got shocked but I telled him “No Wheatly shes a lier!”
Well, at least that part’s true.
Wheatly got mad an said “GLADOS IM NOT SCARRED OF YOU NO MORE I GOT THE POWER OF LOVE!”
Oh, how precious. I’m sure that’ll just stop GLaDOS in her tracks now.
So she punce Wheatly a way.
So is that “power of love” thing working out for you, Wheatley? Because right now it looks like you’re being… “punced”… and that’s not a good thing.
“NOW YOU WILL DIE FOR KILLIN IN THE FUTURE!” GLaDOS turned on here nerotksin.
Here’s hoping that Marissa lost her immunity…
“Did you forgot Im immune to nerotoksin lol?”
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
GLaDOS had a “Dude WTF” look on her feces. Then got smart a gain an said “Oh yeah yur powers well I no were they came from an how to stop them.”
JOY JOY JOY
Then some thign happened. I got all glowy an electic my powers were strongar then ever.
HATE HATE HATE
“No, imposable!” GLaDOS scrammed an I said “DIE B****!”
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
An shooted my powers but it wasnt rite power. Instead ano black hole opened an I was sucked “LOL you are died!” GLaDOS boated an started doin more tests on Chell.
JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY
Then the black hole got all black insid an I blacked out.
So, when you were inside the black hole and it got all black and you blacked out, was the blackness all black?
When I awaked I was in a crass room an there was students ever where with “WTF” looks on their feces.
Drinking game: Take a drink every time the author says “feces” instead of “faces."
Also, what’s going on? She’s in a classroom? Is this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day or something?
A guy got up an he looked realy familiar like I seed him befour. “Hi my name is Gabe Jonson an this is my girlfrend Karolin.”
Oh crap. It isn’t Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, is it?
But… but what’s going on? Cave and Caroline openly dating?
Oh, never mind, it says “Gabe” and “Karolin,” so canon is safe. For now.
He ponted at a hot gurl that looked kinna like GLaDOS if she was person.
I have no idea how you judge that.
I understand that what the author’s trying to do (or would be trying to do, if she was serious) is convey to the audience that GLaDOS used to be Caroline. Setting aside the fact that the audience already knows that, there’s also other ways to show the connection. After all, one of the things that helped me figure out that plot twist early on was that I recognized Ellen McLain’s voice acting.
“Who you?” She asked kinna jelous bcos I was touchin her boyfrend. “Uh… Im Marrissa Roberts im a new xchange student.” I was tootaly wiered out becos I didt no where I was.
And neither do we.
Then it clacked.
It clacked? Is that the opposite of “it clicked”?
Gabe Jonson… Karlion… I more deeper in tim to the PORTAL HIGH SCHOOL!
OH GOD NO
PLEASE NO
NOT A HIGH SCHOOL AU FIC
“My hose blowed up cold I stay with wonna you?”
Because that’s a perfectly plausible claim, and a perfectly reasonable thing to ask of two people who only just met you.
An Karlin said “OK we can be lick sisters!”
Because that’s a perfectly reasonable response to a stranger asking if she can move in with you, and it definitely seems like a plausible component of GLaDOS’s personality.
We wents to Karlins becos we were too cool for school which was nice an pink an the guy from Leave it Beaber was next door.
Wait — was school nice and pink, or was Caroline’s house nice and pink?
“Welcome to my commode!” Karoline yelled with pride at her room.
We barely even know what Caroline was like and I still think this sounds OOC.
There was a doble bed an a hairdresser an a toilet an closet with huge cloths.
There was a toilet in her bedroom?
“Ill leave you gurls alone lol.” Gabe Jonson said an left to do mainly things.
Okay, I will admit I laughed at the idea of Cave (or Gabe?) leaving to do manly things. (Or mainly things?)
Karolen an I satted her bed an talked bout cute boys an muisic an stuff.
Totally sounds like something GLaDOS would do when she was human.
“How about Justin Beaver isnt he teh hostess?”
Justin Beiber is a hostess now? I'll admit, I didn't anticipate that particular career move.
Karlin looked at me funny. “JUSTIN BABER ISNT INVENTED YET ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?”
Setting aside the fact that Caroline is aware that Justin Beiber should not yet exist, I like the implication that he's manmade. Possibly a not-very-sophisticated robot.
I o-mouthed an said “OH S***!” Then I locked door an covere windos. “Promise you wont tell no none.”
Because being from the future is one of those embarrassing secrets you have to hide, and if you randomly let slip that you’re from the future to an almost total stranger you can expect them to go along with it.
An Karolin pinky sweated with me.
…Pinky sweated?
“Alrite Im from the future an Im yur boyfrends dotter an I think yur my mom!” Karolin o-mouthed I thot from the revlation but then I looked an saw she o-mouthed becos som eone jumped out an…
…d died, horribly.
TO BE CONTINUED!
WHOS JUMP OUT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ITS MY LIFE!
Bet you can’t wait, can you?
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 7]
One more chapter for tonight and then I really have to go do my homework. Really.
More self-harm in this chapter. Also, death and gore.
Recap: Last chapter was from Wheatley's POV. Atlas and P-body convinced him to do DRUGS AN BEER with them, and while in his drunk/high state Wheatley agreed to a plan to get revenge on Marissa (revenge for what is not clear). When the three robots arrived at the chamber where Marissa was testing, though, they found that the stress of her recent breakup with Wheatley had turned her... into a goth emo.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN THANKS FOR THE GOOD REVIEWS YOU LAST TOW ONES. AS LONG AS THE REEL FANS SUPPORT ME THIS STORY WILL NEVER DYE!
I was trying to think of some joke I could make involving “reel,” “tow,” and “dye,” but I got nothin’. Sorry.
ALSO THANKS FOR TELLIN ME ABOUT NEXT NOT NECKS ILL REMBER THAT. =D
Next, someone should tell her about “remember,” not “rember.” It’ll blow her mind.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER SEVEN: BATTLE OF THE GOTH EMO WAR
Battle of the goth emo war?
Battle… of the war?
What?
All of sudden Wheatly an Altas an P-Body was were I was an looked all shocked at me. I was a goth emo now an had died my jumpsuit black an was cuttin myself while listenin to Avril Lavinge music.
That black jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid. I can’t even see it and it still looks stupid, that’s how dumb it is. Where did you get the dye, anyway? Was it just lying around in a testchamber? Because that’s dumb.
Why is Avril Lavigne music the mark of a “goth emo” in this? That doesn’t even make sense.
“Marrissa what happoned to you?” Wheatly asked but I just cryed at him an yell “You broke me heart Wheatly, so Im a goth emo now an were threw!”
…You monster.
I got up like crazy an puched Wheatly in the eyeball-thing so hard he fell of the rale an landed with a huge crush an he was broken.
Look, author, if GLaDOS squeezing Wheatley with her claw thing didn’t kill him, I find it hard to believe that your OC can kill him by punching him.
Although she is a Sue, so never mind.
“NOOOOOO WHEETLY!” I ranned to the robocorpse an picked him up in my arms. “You are died an now our baby will have no father.” I cried even more an cut myself a copple more times.
And GLaDOS laughed and laughed and laughed.
Atlas an P-Body was froze in shock at the site of Wheatly’s kill. Then a guy walked in with a tool box an lots of tooles.
He had a tool box and tools? We never would have guessed.
“Don’t worry my dotter Ill fix him!” Gabe Jonson looked at me an smiled an I was reel happy an gabe him the Wheatly body so he could make it work a gain.
Assuming that by “Gabe Jonson” the author means Cave Johnson, I don’t think letting him attempt to fix Wheatley is a good idea. And by that, I mean “It’s a really bad idea."
“Oh no” He o-mouthed. “Wheatly body is full of drugs an beer!”
I wonder if the author’s trying to justify how easily he broke, or if this is just a side note.
Although, since she’s trolling, it doesn’t really matter.
Atlas an P-Body got nervos an I glared at them reel mean like an said “What did you do TO WHEATLY YOU B*****S!”
Nothing, technically. It’s not like they forced the drugs and beer on him. Or did they?
My powers started glowin like the sun an electric sparks went ever where. “Marrissa stop yur powers are too strong!” Gabe pleeded but I was soo angry that I didt listen an powere up more until electric stuff went every all an the whole room explosioned!
Those test subjects. Always destroying testchambers for no reason at all.
When I woke up there was messy dirt an marks all a round me an the room was destoryed.
Well, that’s typically what happens to something when you make it explode.
I looked a front of me an saw Atlas an P-Body was died an I was happy.
Does this mean you’re no longer a goth emo?
Then I saw a skelton that was Gabe Jonson an Wheetly an I got sad a gain an started to cut myself some more while singing a My Kemical Romace song.
One skeleton that was both “Gabe Jonson” and “Wheetly”? What?
As Tara would say: MCR ROX!!1!111
“Hahahahaha!” GLaDOS started lolling at me. “Now you are a goth emo an killed all yur friends my plan worked.”
At this moment, I don’t care that GLaDOS is so OOC (okay, I do care, but still); this is still the best thing to happen in this fanfic so far.
I punched fist into hand an got the most angry ever, this was all GLaDOES plan! “Wheatly wasn’t realy cheetin on you Marrissa I was controllin him an I gave Chell the brane damage relaps! LOL!”
JOY
GLaDOS had gon two far this time an I needed to kill her for ever now.
Don’t. You. Dare.
My powers were flowin threw my vans an I blew up the wall an went to GLaDOSs room.
Just turn on noclip mode, it’s easier. And less… messy. And you get to look at cake you can’t eat.
“YOU MADE ME KILLED WHEATLY AN A GOTH EMO AN ROONED EVER THING NOW YOULL PAY GLADOS YOU B****!”
GLaDOS made Marissa kill Wheatley and a goth emo? Was “Gabe” a goth emo? Or is the author just typing in a particular ridiculous manner?
I used my powers to make my jumpsuit not black no more becos I had stopped being a goth emo for good.
It still looks stupid on you, though. It says so right here in your file. I’d try and find the passage again, but it’s hard to find one little thing like that because it’s so full of everything else that’s wrong with you.
“No stop Marrissa you cannt kill me im yur mother!” I stopped an thot she was lyin but then I used my detective power an new it was true.
This entire fic is a perfect example of the "New Powers as the Plot Demands" trope.
I couldn’t kill my on mother but she was a evil mother so maybe I cold.
Oh, just make up your mind already.
“I killed you ones befour I can do it a gain!” I powered up my powers like a fireball of the glowy electric powers an shot them at GLaDOS an blew up the hole room.
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
GLaDOS was finally ded but I wasn’t happy none.
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Sorry. Does “hate” still look like a word to you?
Wheatly was still gone an I had killed him.
You monster.
Then Chell came into to the room cryin an I saw that the exploshun had made a peace of metal slice her butt off so she couldn’t booty quake none more.
What? A piece of metal sliced Chell’s butt off?
Ever thing was rooned an not even my powers cold fix it now. I sat down on knees an cried some more (but not emo cry becos im not a goth emo any more).
Normally, I’d be enjoying the Sue’s misery, but I’m too busy hating everything else in this story.
It was teh end but not happy which meens Im not perfect so Im not a Mary Sue AREEL WRITER or what ever yur name is!
I could go on a long rant about what makes a Mary Sue, and why Marissa most definitely still is one, but I trust you guys don’t need to hear it.
Chell tried booty quake but with no bom all that happened was blood got in places from the shakin’ an some blood hit a werd machine. It was…. A time machine!
Yep. Been there the whole time.
Haha. Get it? It’s funny because I said “time."
I’m going to refrain from making the obvious “don’t make eye contact, the lab boys tell me that’ll wipe out time” joke.
“OMG I can go back in time an stop me from killin Wheatly an make every thing happy a gain!” I ran tinto the time machine an pressed some bottons and there was a huge flash…
…and there was GLaDOS, looking extremely fucking hot.
(2014 edit: hey, present-day Skep stepping in here to explain this to new readers. I'm referencing a line in "My Immortal." "...and there was [x], looking extremely fucking hot" was something of a minor meme on THW back in the day.)
TO BE CONTINUED!
UH OH MARRISSA IS GON BACK IN TIME BUT DID SHE GO TO THE RIGHT TIME OR MAYBE TO PORTAL 1 TIME WINK WINK FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
Does that mean I get to make cake jokes?
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 6]
It's become a bit of a pattern that when I have a ton of studying to do, I suddenly decide it would be a really great idea to update this blog. Have some more awful fanfiction, everybody!
There's self-harm in this chapter (briefly, at the end, but this time it's a human character self-harming rather than a computer), some drug/alcohol references (more so than in most chapters of this story), and some very ridiculous Britishisms.
Recap: GLaDOS continued testing Marissa and being a goth emo, Chell relapsed into her brain-damaged state and Marissa learned that the only cure for her is the ZOMBEE TATERS, and thanks to an encouraging comment Wheatley made while watching Chell dance Marissa now thinks her robot ball boyfriend is cheating on her.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN: OMG 30 REIVEWS! TAKE THAT FLAMERZ YUR JUST MAKIN MY STORY MORE POPULAR ALSO IM NOT BEEN OFFENSIVE AGAINST BRANE DAMAGE BECOS CHELL IS JUST A PRETEND CARTOON I WULD NOT INSULT REAL BRANE DAMAGE PEPOLE THATS JUST SICK!
A pretend cartoon? As opposed to a non-pretend cartoon?
ASLO, THIS CHAPTER IS FROM WHEELTYS POV.
If you think this is a good thing, you haven’t been paying attention. This author can’t (or doesn’t, seeing as she’s trolling) write Wheatley, and as Marissa’s love interest he’s sure to be full of nothing but praise for the Sue. So, yeah, this might be even worse than Marissa’s POV.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER SIX: THE BIG ADVENTURE OF WHEETLY
Wheatley, whose name has never been spelled right in this story. Not once.
I was sooooo upset with me self becos I betrayed Marrissa an was a bloody soddin wanker.
See what I mean about her not being able to write Wheatley?
I didt meen to but I saw Chell booty quakin an was over come. Back when we first met I licked her an she liked me but things didnt bloddy work out.
“I licked her an she liked me.” How most relationships start, I’m told.
I’m going to picture Wheatley licking Marissa on the cheek or something, because the alternative is just too awful.
She was less hot an pretty thaan Marrissa an didnt catch me on my rale!
Catch you off your rail, you mean. And that’s because it’s actually impossible. (Because plot reasons. You have to drop him so he can be resentful later. True fact.)
So I saw her booty quake an rembered when we was datin an got all lovey.
I don’t want to know what happened. I want to forget that this was even mentioned. Pass the brain-bleach.
Her bom (AN THATS BRITISH FOR BUTT LOL) was all jiggly wiggly an it was like when I was in charge of the hole place an we tested.
I believe you mean “bum”.
So, tell us, Wheatley: was Chell’s bum part of the reason you, ah, enjoyed testing so much?
Then I turned into an evil bugger an she dumped me.
No, at that point you were already an evil bugger.
Also, I don’t know how this timeline is supposed to work. When did Marissa get pregnant? Was Wheatley cheating on Chell with her or not?
…You know what? I don’t care. I just want to stop thinking about this.
“OH YEAH Chell SHAK THAT BOOTY!” I screamed out loud to Chell but I didt realise someone else was watchin… Marrissa!
But that’s not even what he yelled to her in the last chapter!
“WHEATLY HOW COLD YOU!/11″ Oh bloody hell sod she saw me with Chell god save the queen!
The Britishisms in this fic are just... otherworldly.
“OH BLOODY WANKER!” I yelled a gain an ran away faster than ever befour on my rale.
You ran away. On your rail. Got it.
I couldnt let Marrissa see me cheetin any more I was real sad.
Soon I was in a place I didnt see befour there were drusg ever where an beer an playboy magazines it was where Altas an P=Body lived!
Playboy magazines? Couldn’t they at least have a copy of that “The Girls of Aperture Science” calendar or something?
I looked round some wwhen a thing grabed me!
Just, you know, a thing. The kind of thing that grabs you. With its grabby… hand… things.
“He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?” P-Body said an gave ne a drugs. “No.” I answered becos drugs are bad I new from Marrissa. “How about drink some beer then?” Asked Atlas. I didt bloody want to but the peer pressure was strong an I was reel sad after all…
Oh, look, she copypasta’d this and just changed it to Wheatley’s POV. How very clever.
So I sayd “Ok fine you sodding wonks.”
You have no idea how much the phrase “you sodding wonks” delights me.
Also:
wonk |wä ng k|
noun informal derogatory
a studious or hardworking person : any kid with an interest in science was a wonk.
• a person who takes an excessive interest in minor details of political policy : he is a policy wonk in tune with a younger generation of voters.
ORIGIN 1920s: of unknown origin.
So we have that.
So they gave me beer an drugs an I started to smoke them up.
I don’t even want to know how this is possible.
They feeled real good like the testing so I was happy an got hi.
You know what, Wheatley? If it felt anything like testing, I don’t want to hear about it.
But, then again, if it actually did feel like testing, we’d all be hearing about it.
I started tellin my story to Atlas an P-bODY an they herd me tell it.
So they were listening. Good to know.
“Then she bloody dumped just becos I was enjoyin’ the floor show with CHell an booty.”
She didn’t dump you, she said “How could you?” Or screamed it, rather.
I like how this is phrased as if Chell’s booty is a separate entity from Chell herself.
Atlas an P-Body pated me on the ballback an said “Ots Wheatly we unnerstand yur problems thats why Marrissas a b****.”
The ballback?
I shoud have listened to them but I did any way an got angry like I was on sterods ore something.
GET MAD! I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!
“You shoud get revenge on her an show her whos boss!” \P-Body agreed while drinkin more beer.
Revenge, yay!
“Yur right guys we need to teech that b**** a lesson!” I angered becos the drugs an beer was makin me confused. I was such a bugger bloke but I felt sooooo hi I had to.
Good! Go get revenge! Yay!
“Lets go fine her an teach Marrissa her lesson!” Altas yelled an I an P-Body said “YEAH!” an we charged lookin for Marrissa.
This is awesome all of a sudden.
We found her in a test room an I was shocked… she was wearin a black jumpsuit an cuttin herself while lisitin to Avril Lavinge music! Marrissa had became… a goth emo!
And now it isn’t awesome anymore.
Look, GLaDOS, just cut the crap and throw her in the incinerator.
TO BE CONTINUED!
SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SHHORT BUT I DONT LIKE WRITIN AS WHEATLY THE NECKS PART WILL BE LONGER AN WILL MARRISSA STOP BEEN A DUMB GOTH EMO?
And we don’t like you writing as Wheatley! Works out nicely.
ALSO GABE JONSON WILL COME BACK AN HE HAS A BIG SUPRISE!
With real confetti this time?
FIND OUT!
Oh joy.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 5]
You know what I should be doing right now? Homework. You know what I'm not doing right now? Yup.
Warning that this chapter features the return of brain-damaged!Chell, and also the return of the r-slur being used to describe brain-damaged!Chell. Also some self-harm. Also, some DRUGS AN BEER.
Recap: So it turns out people were turning into zombies because of the potatoes in Aperture Science I mean, Portal Labs, which apparently cause those who eat them to turn into zombies when they die. Due to a portal gun malfunction, Marissa entered a portal into android hell, which is more or less what it sounds like except Cave Johnson sorry, Gabe Jonson was there in a hot tub with lots of hot babes. He revealed that Marissa and Chell are his daughters. Chell recovered both from her brain damage and from being a zombie thanks to being in android hell — don't ask. Marissa used her powers to rescue herself, Chell, and Gabe from android hell, but accidentally brought GLaDOS back to life again in the process.
Whew.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN THANKS FOR THE SPELLIN CORRECSHUN ON WHEETLY WHO IS NOW WHAATLY AN GLADOS IS NOW GLaDOS!
“Wheetly” is now “Whaatly”? What a big improvement.
Good job with GLaDOS, though.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER 5: CHELLS BOOTY QUAKE REMIX!
Oh dear.
GLaDOS was makin me do tests a gain with lots of traps an turrents.
JOY
Becos she was a emo goth now all the walls were black an red an there was Avril Lavinge an My Kemical Romance music playin which made it hard for me to do the tests an GlaDOS was cryin an cuttin herself on the big screen comptuer.
HATE
Also, if the walls are black and red, doesn’t that make the tests quite a bit harder? You need white surfaces to portal onto. I suppose you’d still have the floor and ceiling, but nonetheless…
And why is GLaDOS using what I can only assume are Wheatley’s old screens in the test chambers? She never did anything like that before. It doesn’t seem like her style.
Note that she’s gone right back to capitalizing GLaDOS’s name incorrectly.
WHEATLY whos name was right this time was back on his rale an had to clean up all the robot blood from GLadOS cuttin herself an it was all messy an sticky like the repulsive gel.
I’m not sure how WHEATLEY whose name was not right that time either is able to clean up the robot blood, especially since there is no such thing to begin with.
Repulsive Gel. Okay, that did amuse me. Also, I’m glad she didn’t use Conversion Gel in her analogy.
I pressed a botton that made the test done an got ready for the next one when a rumbling happened all of sudden. A thing fell out of the seeling an it was… MY COMPANON COOB!
Companon Coob?!
I ran so fast to the coob an gave it a big hug an cryed some becos I was so happy at least GLados had gived me one thing to be happy with.
…And then GLaDOS fizzled it, and laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Ooh, boy.
Then the prototip portal gun came out from a wall-hole an made a new portal to Andord hell.
You thought we were done with android hell, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong.
“You must drop the coob in Adroid Hell now Marrissa or ill put NEROTOKSIN in the room!” GlADOS said.
Now this is a plot development I can get behind!
I culdnt kill my companion coob, he was my best frend besides Wheatly an Chell, then I rembered Gabe Jonson was supposed to be here an he was my dad so maybe he was workin to stop GlaDOS which gave me renued strength to do more tests but I had to find away to not hurt my coob.
Pfft. The cube will be fine. All Aperture Science equipment can survive temperatures up to 4000 degrees Kelvin, remember?
If onyl I had a powers to solve the test without hurting my companion boob I thout.
Your… companion boob?
“HURRY UP MARRISSA THE NEROTOKSIN IS ALMOST REDDY!” GLaDOS angered when I realized one of my powers is NEROTOKSIN immunity!
Is there suddenly a rule that NEUROTOXIN must be typed in all caps?
Not that I disapprove, though, I guess.
Also, why didn’t Marissa figure this one out earlier? If she’s been doing tests alongside Chell, then she’d have run into it a fair number of times in the past.
“Go head an toksin me Glads.” I boated to the dumb emo goth computer women.
I don’t know if “Glads” was a typo, or if it was this author’s attempt to give GLaDOS a nickname. Either way, I kind of hate it.
What I really hate, though, is GLaDOS getting called a “dumb emo goth computer woman”. Only two out of five are correct, and that’s just not good enough.
“DOT SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!” GLaDOS started pumpin all the room with icky green farts that smelled reel bad but didt hurt becos I was immune.
Are you trying to ruin deadly neurotoxin for me, author?
I piced up the companon coob an went threw door an saw something bad….
…hot turret-on-cube action?
Chell was shakin’ her butt all jiggly a gain an dance crazy an Wheatly was watchin.
Never mind, that’s worse.
“SHAKE IT BACK IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!” She sung an I realized that Chell had a relaps of brane damage.
I almost ended up quoting an Eminem song here, but then I didn’t.
Anyway… uh. This fic is ridiculous.
“YEAH Chell BOOTY CUAKE IT!” Wheeatly cheered becos he didt no I was watchin.
“WHATLY HOW COLD YOU?” I screemed an Wheatly said “OH BLOODY WANKER!” An ran off on his rale.
THE PLOT THICKENS
You know, I generally hate the Chell/Wheatley pairing, but at this point I’d gladly (GLaDly?) take it over Marissa/Wheatley.
Chell was still retorded but I GlaDOS taked my magum pistol so I couldn’t fix her.
And by “fix”, Marissa means “shoot in the head”.
Anyway, we know how well that worked out.
I sat down an started cryin.
Tears of blood?
How cold Wheatly bretrayed me when I was preganent with his robot ball/human baby an we loved eechother?
I don’t know that cheering while Chell dances counts as a betrayal.
Also I needed to fix Chell so she would stop doing dance crazy with shake butt but not even my powers could fix brane damage.
Really? But it’s just a minor case. Of serious brain damage.
“THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE FOR BRANE DAMAGE!” GLaDON yelled out loud with no indoor voice. “IT IS THE ZOMBEE TATERS!”
“GLaDON”?!
Also, I like that we’re pointing out tropes here, but why does GLaDOS yell all the time in this? She… doesn’t do that.
Now it all made sense!
…no.
When Chell was zomboy she was act normal so to safe Chell I needed to make her zombee a gain! This was bad news. I had to pick between retorded normal Chell or smart zombee Chell an even sores Wheatly was cheetin on me!
Perhaps this is what GLaDOS meant by “short, sad life.”
But probably not.
I walked off leavin Chell to dance crazy an found the zombee taters.
Just, you know, lying around in some test chamber or something.
I picked one up an started to CRY. “WHY IS EVER THING GOIN BAD AN WRONG AN WHEETLY ABDONED ME FOR MY TARDED SISTER?”
Why? Well, I’d give you the chance to guess, but knowing you every single guess would be incorrect. So I’ll tell you: You’re just getting what you deserve, for being a murderer and an awful person. No wonder your parents abandoned you. They could probably tell just by looking at you that you would grow up to be foolish and ugly. And you did. You’re probably even worse then they suspected you’d be. What happened to you to make you this horrible?
…I’m sorry. I got a little carried away there. Let’s continue the MST.
Cry came out of all my eyes an all every where. I didn’t no it at the time, but it was part of GLaDOS plan, she was turnin me into a goth emo!
I have no idea how this is supposed to be revenge, but I’m pleased that GLaDOS’s plan seems to be working so far.
MEENWHILE Wheatly was rollin on his rale with tears in eye becos he was sad for betrayin me. “Why did I bloody have to betray Marrissa my one true love? I am a sodding wonker!”
You have no idea how much the sentence “I am a sodding wonker!” delights me.
He didn’t mean to betrayed me but he secretly had a love trangle between me an Chell but he thot it ended but guess not.
I… I guess not.
“I have to a polozie to Marrissa an make things better a gain!” Wheetly speeded on his rale back to me when some thing grabbed him it was… ATLAS AN P-BODY!
I read this first as “some things grabbed him” and my first thought was “Thing 1 and Thing 2?”
Thought I’d share that with you guys.
“He b***** wanna smoke some drugs/?” P-Body said an gave Wheatly a drugs. “No.” Wheatly answered becos drugs are bad he new from me. “How about drink some beer then?” Asked Atlas. Wheatly didt want to but the peer pressure was strong an he was reel sad after all…
…and he was expressly designed to make bad decisions, after all…
Drunk Wheatley. I wonder what that would be like?
TO BE CONTINUED!
Yay.
WILL MARRISSA AN WHEATLY GET BACK TO GETHER?
I hope not.
WILL GLADOSS EVIL PLAN BE STOPED?
I hope not.
WHERE IS GABE JONSON?
I don’t care.
FIND OUT NECKS TIME ON ITS MY LIFE!
Hooray.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 4]
Two chapters in one night! Aren't you guys in luck.
Recap: Marissa and Wheatley returned from space. Back in Aperture Science — er, I mean, Portal Labs, they encountered Chell, who had indeed become brain-damaged sometime before or during the events of Portal 2. For some reason, Marissa thought it was appropriate to shoot Chell in the head to "put her out of her misery," a decision that soon came back to bite her in the ass when Chell turned into a zombie. Also Marissa killed GLaDOS again. Let's see how long she stays dead this time.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
AN: BEFOUR THE CHAPTER HERES A SHOUT OUT TO SOME OF MY REVIEWS!
XHEADFONECHICKX – THANKS FOR THE IDEA, I REMBER GLADOS SAID THAT ANDROD HELL WAS A PLACE IN PORTAL 1 SO THAT GAVE ME THE IDEA FOR THIS CHAPTER!
Do you mind if I rant for a minute? Hell, what do I care, it’s my blog. I write the MSTs around here, I can rant about Portal all damn day if I want to.
Now, I’m not going to talk about the author. She’s trolling, so this isn’t about her. What does annoy me is that the “android hell” line in Portal somehow got turned into WMGs about how Chell is an android. Guys… it was a joke. It was a reference back to the line at the beginning of that testchamber when GLaDOS says that Chell is going to be sent through a live-fire course designed for military androids. Just because GLaDOS said “Well done, android” does not mean Chell is one; this is GLaDOS we’re talking about, remember? Chell isn’t fat either, but that doesn’t stop GLaDOS from making cracks about her weight.
The only somewhat reasonable WMG you could derive from that line is that android hell is perhaps the same thing as the room where all the robots scream at you, though that’s also a stretch. Bottom line — stop making up crap, people. Make up interesting things instead.
THE PIE3 – OF COURSE ITS BAD CHELL BOOTY QUAKED AN NOW THERE ARE ZOMBOYS, IF IT DOESN’T GET BAT THE STORY WULD BE BORON!
I was going to make a joke here, but everything I could think of just felt so elemental and I don’t want to be boron you.
Yeah, I know. Those jokes were just bat.
ITS CALLED CONFILCT MY TEACHER TOLD ME SO!
Is this the teacher who taught you to spell? Because, if so, I question their advice.
ITS MY LIFE!
CHAPTER 3: HELLO HELL, THE RETURN OF GABE JONSON!
Gabe Jonson?!
Also, why are there two Chapter 3’s?
I o-mouthed in shock at zombee Chell an Atlas an Wheetly just screamed real loud.
That’s our Wheatley. Helpful to a fault.
There was no weapons to fight them with but I thot hard an used the portal gun to portal below me an far away so I escaped with Wheetly.
Weapons? What happened to her superpowers?
Also, she better move those portals before Chell just walks through. I assume that even zombie-Chell is good at thinking with portals.
“That was a close one Wheetly” said to me an we started lookin for clues on why zomboys happened.
Forget zomboys, you have a zomgirl after you and she is pissed. Also, never mess with Chell if you want to continue being alive.
Then was wen I realized one of my powers was super detective an I new where zombees came from. THE TATERS!
What? The potatoes are zombie potatoes?
Does this mean GLaDOS spent half of Portal 2 as a potato zombie? Because that’s awesome.
“Those were zombee taters if you eat them an dead you will be zombee.”
ZOMBIE POTATOES!
I esplained to Wheetly who o-mouthed. Then a portal happened an Chell an Atlas came out with nifes ready to eat us!
Knives?! Where did they get the knives? Why do they need them, anyway?
Oh, by the way, I’m totally rooting for Chell to turn Marissa into a zombie.
My powers were still all wonky so I culdnt fight them instead we ran fast but triped. I looked to what I triped on an saw it was…. A prototip portal gun! I piced it up an test fired it at Chell an Altas who falled down it an flames came up.
Another tip-off that this author is a troll: she actually came up with the somewhat clever idea of having a prototype ASHPD malfunction and send you to weird places. Like android hell, in this case.
The last time I saw this idea used, it transported all of Aperture to the world of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and also turned Chell into a pony complete with working portal cutie marks. Just for some perspective.
“Bloody hell it’s a buggering portal to andord hell!” Wheetly realized an I new he was right.
Wheatley is right?! STOP THE PRESSES
Even tho they were zombees now I had to safe my sister an Altas from androod hell so I grabed the prototip portal gun an jumped in. “Marrissa no its toooo dangerous!” Wheetly cried but I had to do it.
Marissa has a very weird set of morals. Shooting your sister in the head because she’s brain-damaged = fine. Leaving your zombie sister who wants to eat your flesh in android hell, where she will presumably be fine since she’s not an android = WE MUST SAVE HER?
Insid androd hell was a bunch of metal an fire with robots gettin bet up I saw Glados an Chell an Atlas all there being hurted by robodemons from the game DOOM. I wents up to Cshell an saw her was not zombee any more an o-mouthed at me.
So she’s miraculously cured now? What?
“Marrissa you saved me becos there are no zombees in adroid hell thank you!”
Oh, now that explains everything, doesn’t it?
Chell hugged me an I was happy that my sister was safed but now we had to fined Altas an get out of here. So we went lookin for Atlas when I saw a hotub made off lava with a muscely guy in it an lots of hot babes.
And this is somehow part of android hell?
Chell was reel suprised at him an I thot telepathic “Whats goin on Chell whos that guy?”
Why did you need to use telepathy for that?
“That guy is…. GABE JONSON!”
Thanks. That really cleared things up. Everything just makes so… much… sense.
The man looked up at us when Chell sayd it an he was all shocked. “Marrissa is that you?” He was all scarred lookin an made fart bubbles in the hotub which made all the hot babes angry so they left.
I’m not even going to pretend to know what’s going on here.
“OMG How do you no my name?” I asked in shock an o-mouthed. “I no it becos your… MY DOTTER!”
DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN, NON-SURPRISING PLOT TWIST
We all even the robots o-mouthed an Chell fainted becus wewere sisters so she was Gabe Jonsons dotter too.
No. Really.
No mention of how this could imply that Caroline is their mother, and therefore GLaDOS is partially their parent? Assuming Caroline wasn’t deleted, of course.
Gabe got out of the hotub but he was NAKED so it was all gross an I ran away. “OMG OOPS!” Gabe said lolling an got some pants on but I was already goin far away.
Here at Aperture Science, all employee clothing is not only specially made to withstand the flames of hell, it’s able to sense your nudity and appear at the appropriate moment no matter what dimension you’re in. We’re not sure when this will come in handy, but we figure that if we keep running these tests this’ll prove itself useful eventually.
After some far runnin I got back to the portal an saw something bad! Wheetly was all tied up an P-Body an now alife Atlas were throwin the taters into androod hell an robots were eatin em an turning to zomboys!
But… but you said there are no zombies in android hell!
A robodemon ate one an becomed the big zombie boss monster from Reisdent Evil only he had a portal gun an rocket launchers. Gabe Jonson ran up carryin Chell but zombees were chasin them! Atlas an P-Body lolled an said “Bye B****!” an closed the portal leavin us rapped! We had been Left 4 Dead!
This whole thing is so ridiculous that sometimes words fail me.
“Marrissa you most use yur powers its the only hope.” Gabe Jonson said an I new it was true. I bended down on the metal floor an thot hard an sparks came out of my everwhere an I glowed brite gold. Gabe Jonson o-mouthed at me an Chell was still uncosios so she didnt do nothin. There was a huge flash of the britest lite ever an we were in Portal Labs!
Problem solved!
“Yay we did it!” I sad huggin Gabe an Chell. Then some one started to lol at us it was… GLADOS!
JOY
“You let me escape from Ardod Hell now I will have my revenge on you Marrissa Roberts!”
MILD CONFUSION
TO BE CONTINUED!
MIXED JOY AND TERROR
OH NO! CAN MARRISSA ESKAPE FROM GLADOS ONCE AN FOR ALL AN IS GABE JONSON REELY A GOOD GUY AN DAD? FIND OUT SOON!
So I’m hoping Marissa can’t escape from GLaDOS, because I’d really like some revenge to happen. That would be nice. You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge!
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 3]
I thought I remembered this fic pretty well, but no, I didn't. It is worse than I recall and also makes even less sense. Clearly my brain was trying to protect me from the memories of this horror, and I have undone all its hard work in an instant. But hey, it's for you guys.
A warning: this chapter depicts a character suffering from brain damage and said character is portrayed in a truly bizarre manner and at one point another character uses the r-slur (albeit misspelled) when referring to them. Said brain-damaged character is subsequently shot and killed. I think it looks a lot worse when I describe it that way as opposed to how it's actually depicted, given the ridiculously over-the-top nature of everything MarissaTheWriter writes, but take caution.
Recap: Marissa discovered that she possesses various superpowers, and accidentally used said powers to bring GLaDOS back to life. Using her new powers, Marissa rescued Wheatley from space. The chapter ended with the two of them about to be hit by an asteroid.
Chapter 1
Previous chapter
To all the flamerz I got a good review so there, pepole like my story an yur just trolls.
The pepole tryin to give consertive criticism tell me what you don’t like or yur as bad as the REAL TROLLS!
The troll is calling people trolls. Love it.
ITS MY LIFE
Chapter 3 MEETIN WITH CHELL
Marissa is going to walk in on Chell and GLaDOS doing… tests. And it will be so awkward. And sexy.
…I’m sorry. (No, I’m not.)
The asterood was headin right for us an hit us an it hurt my every place. Wheetly got alls broken but robot Glados was not close an pushed way into space.
Well, now Space Core will have company! Space company! In space!
“I hope yur bloody powers can help us sodding land!” Wheetly yelled becos he was scared. I tried hard an a magic shield came around me an Wheetly so as we started fallin to Earth no thing bad happened.
So, to answer Wheatley’s query, Marissa’s bloody powers can help them sodding land.
As well falled fast towards Earth I saw Portal Labs comin up front so I braced myself round Wheetly.
APERTURE SCIENCE. NOT PORTAL LABS.
Aperture is underground, anyway. What, does Marissa have X-ray vision too?
I wouldn’t be surprised, actually.
We landed with a huge crush to were Atlas an P-BODY (Thanks CONSTRACTIVE CRITISIM GUYS AN NOT TROLLS) were smokin more drugs.
Constractive critisim is the best kind of critisim.
The looks on there feces were classic when ethey saw me back with Wheetly.
They’re robots. They don’t really have faces. Or feces, for that matter.
“What are you doin here this is are turf!” Altas yelled loud at me an punch but my shield broked his hand. “Imposable!” Then I kicked him back an looked to P-Body an glared at him so he pooped robot stuff an ran away.
Never mind, apparently they do have feces.
Suddenly without warnin a girl jumped from the whole in the seelin I made when I landed.
THE PLOT THICKENS
She was wearin a jumpsuit like me an she looked like me but a little less pretty an hot.
So, Marissa looks like how Chell will look in Portal 3?
I new immediately it was Chell.
You're her fucking sister, of course you knew it was her. Don't tell us this like it's news.
Chelllooked at me an smiled an started to dance crazy.
Dancing is not science!
“SHAKE IT BAKE IT BOOTY QUAKE IT ROLL IT A ROUND!” Chell sung as her danced an shake butt.
I'm kind of speechless, honestly.
Wheetly got sad lookin an told me “I forgot to mention she got brane damage an cant solve tests no more that’s why Glaods let her go befour.”
Well, that just takes all the heartwarming out of Portal 2’s ending. Thanks.
I cried some tears at my retorded sister shakin her butt all crazy an stuff like on the Sym-Bionical Titan show.
I have absolutely no idea what show Marissa is referring to but I'm fairly certain this is not an apt comparison anyway.
I got out a magum pistol an went up to Chell head to shoot an pet her out of her MISERY (which is also a movie).
“Pet her out of her misery”?
Also, this is not the appropriate response to your sibling dancing and not being able to solve tests. Just for future reference. I don’t think this would hold up in court.
The gun went off like boom boom boom an Chell falled down with blood from her headhole.
…So no sexy testing scene?
“Im sorry my sister.” Wheetly was cryin an I started cryin to becos it was a really sad day.
Does this make them goth emos? Are they going to listen to Avril Lavigne now?
After all the tears came out I got up an went to find Glados for revenge.
I think GLaDOS is the one who should be exacting revenge, because you have not typed her name correctly once during the course of this fic.
Also, because she’s GLaDOS, and revenge is much cooler when deadly neurotoxin is involved.
Wheelty couldn’t walk so I put him in my jumpsuit an he got real happy “Marrissa yur chests is so big an squishy!”
...Thanks for telling us.
He happied so I got happy too an we went for Glados.
I dunno what “happied” is supposed to mean, but I was kind of picturing something similar to solution euphoria. And that was a bad idea, because now I need brain-bleach.
Glados was listinin to her dumb goth emo music when she saw me an Wheetly come in. “WHAT DO YOU WANT YUO ALREADY STOPED ME FROM SEWISIDING AN STOPED MY REVANGE?”
This dialogue. I hate it. So much.
“You put Wheetly in space an made Chell booty quake an tried to kill me to so I will kill you.”
She made Chell booty quake? What?
Also, technically Chell put Wheatley in space. GLaDOS just ensured that he stayed there.
My body started glowin electric an I used my special new fight ability MEGA PAWNCH to punch Glados head off an she died for real this time.
MEGA PAWNCH just sounds wrong somehow.
Also: hate.
Wheetly turned off all the dumb goth emo music with science powers an we were happy.
“Science powers”? You mean, he did a manual override on the music using his hacking skills?
Then I remembered somethig I needed to tell to Wheetly.
“Wheetly you need to no that Im….. pragenant!”
*resisting urge to make a Conversion Gel joke*
Wheetly looked at me with shock an aww.
“Aww, you’re going to give birth to my freakish and biologically impossible spawn! That’s so cute!”
“Marrissa this is good news we can have robot ball/humon baby an live happily ever after for ever now!”
Okay, not quite the reaction I’d expect Wheatley to have to this news.
I was sooooo happy I hugged Wheetly an we almost made a twin baby right then an there when Atlas an P-Body show up.
THANK YOU, ATLAS AND P-BODY.
“Hey b**** were back!” Atlas yelled an took out a guns. [-Body took one of the gun an aim it at me too. I powered up my sheld but something strange happened an I fell over an started brething hard.
It’s that part in the story where something mildly bad happens to the Sue so that we can all feel sorry for her!
Except we don’t, because she’s still a Sue and we hate her.
“Whats wrong with me?”
Almost referenced an X song here. Didn't do it because I'm pretty sure no one would get the reference. Alas.
Wheelty got scarred lookin while Atlas an P-Body lolled an got ready to shoot us up. Things was going down bad when some one raised up from behind the two robojerks an hitted them on heads with frying pan! It was… CHELL!
What? Is she still alive?
“Chell you saved us!” I congradulated her.
“Uh, sorry about your gaping head wound, it wasn’t personal.”
“Marrissa you made me Left 4 Dead (AN: LOL) you b**** so now get ready to die!”
*headdesk*
For the joke, of course.
Lookin closer I saw Chell was right, she was a zombee now!
And that’s another reason why you shouldn’t shoot your sister in the head.
Wheetly made some growls to stop her but Chell didn’t care an tried to bite me but accidentally bit Atlas instead so he became a robot zomboy!
Zomboy = male zombie?
Also, how do you bite a robot? And why is Wheatley growling? That sounds both completely nonthreatening and kind of adorable.
TO BE CONTINUED?
I hope not.
IM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS FOR WHAT MARRISSA CAN DO IN PORTAL LABS I THINK NECKS CHAPTER SHELL GO TO OTHER VALVE GAMES MAYBE IF YOU WANT?
Next chapter: Marissa goes to the world of Team Fortress 2, RED and BLU team up for the first time ever in order to kill her, the Administrator is pissed because they have failed her.
…You know, that actually sounds kind of amusing.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fanfic [part 2]
More IML, since you guys seem pretty excited by its return!
Recap: Marissa Roberts, our OC test subject protagonist who is pregnant with Wheatley's "robot ball/human" baby (please don't ask, or think about, how this works), had a confrontation with Atlas and P-body, who are jerks who drink and do drugs (don't think about this either). Also, GLaDOS is a "goth emo" who listens to Avril Lavigne (???); last chapter ended with her apparent suicide.
Chapter 1
AN Ok to all the flamerz here I unnerstand why you don’t like chapter 1 it’s the inductory chapter so there wasn’t much good stuff. But heres were the action picks up!
I'm not gonna lie, it is weirdly refreshing to see a badfic author act understanding towards the people who flame her fic instead of cussing them out for not liking it.
The action does pick up, yes, though I'm not exactly sure that's a good thing considering what the action is.
ITS MY LIFE
CHapter 2 GLADOS, SEWISEDED?
Glaods was dead an I was Chell’s sister! I o-mouthed at the shock from all the revelation if only Glados hadn’t sewiseded maybe she could give me the down lo.
Note that “revelation” is spelled correctly but not “suicided."
But I did no two things 1 I had to find Chell an tell her the big newds an 2 what happed to Wheetly I had to fin doubt.
The big newds?
Juts then Atals an P-Boy came in teh room lookin even madder than befour.
I’m not even sure how they could look mad to begin with.
“Your gonna pay now you dumb b****!” Shotted P-Boy while Altas lolled an wrote mean things on my facebook LIKE A SERTAN OTHER SOMEONE!
Marissa has a Facebook? You mean Aperture doesn’t have their own social network specifically for test subjects?
They could call it Testbook.
I held one hand tite to my portal gun an got ready to fight them when a strange feelin came over me. It was all matrixy an slow-mo but also like electric I could see all the sparks an wires an things in the robots.
That’s actually good writing for this author. You can almost understand what she’s talking about.
Almost.
“POWER OAF!” I yelled for some reson I didn’t no why an the two robots went dead.
I’m not sure why either. If she yelled “POWER OFF!” it would make sense, kind of, but “POWER OAF!”?
Electic lightening came thru my skin an eyes an mouth an everywhere but I was not shocked.
“Shocked”. Get it? Ha. Ha. Ha. That was very funny.
Some of teh bolts hitted Glados an she became alife a gain!
I don’t know what to think of this development. I mean, under normal circumstances I'd be happy, because I love GLaDOS. But in this fic it only spells trouble.
“YOU STOPED MY SEWISED MARISSA ROBERTS THAT WAS NOT NISE!” Glados angered loud an started cutting herself to make a new dead.
Man, this author's phrasing is on a whole 'nother level.
I just locked at me hands where little lighting bolts was still happening an thot “What is goin on!” Gladoss aw the sparks an o-mouthed.
She doesn’t have a mouth!
…unless she’s an android in this, please don’t tell me she’s an android in this…
“YUR POWERS THEY ARE MANIFASTING YOU MUST FIN DCHELL!”
Why does Marissa have to find Chell? What does that have to do with anything?
I was soooo confused an angry for Glados no telling me I had speshul powers, I coulda used them to solve TESTS.
Which is probably exactly why she didn’t tell you.
But I did wanted to meet Cheel an let her no were sisters an I have cool robot powers.
Chell’s reaction: “…”
Robot powers? Perhaps they come from her personality core/human hybrid embryo. What in hell would that look like, anyway?
Rhetorical question. Please don’t answer that.
“ILL EXPLANE EVER THING LATER FIRST YOU MUST GET TO CHELL SHE IS IN SPACE LOOKIN FOR WHEETLY!”
Why is all of GLaDOS’s dialogue in all-caps? I could kind of understand bold, or small caps, since that’s how some writers indicate dialogue spoken by a computer. But all-caps just makes it look like she’s screaming all the time.
Not to mention: Chell is in space? I know, she was in space before, but that was only for a few seconds and she probably would have died if it wasn’t for GLaDOS. Also, how’d she get up there? Did she just stumble upon a spaceship that happened to be laying around?
Actually, knowing Aperture, that could happen.
I o-mouthed, Chell new how ot space flight an was savin Wheetly? I was sooooo happy now but didt no how to go space.
Were you not paying attention to Chapter 9? It’s simple. Portal on the moon, other portal somewhere else, and voilà.
“But how can I space?”
A question for the ages.
Glados lolled an sad “YOU HAVE MORE POWERS THAN YOULL EVER NO BUT ONE IS SPACE FLY AND BRETHING!”
What about the temperature in space? I don’t think the jumpsuit is going to cut it this time. Actually, it’s Aperture Science, so what do I know? Maybe it does cut it.
This was sooooooo shocking I thot hard about flyin an suddenly rocks came out of my feet an I started to fly up past the portal labs an into space.
Gotta go to space.
Also, “rocks came out of my feet”?
When I got to the moon I looked fro Chell n Wheetly.
What about the Space Core? Am I the only one who cares about Space Core?
I STARted (hehe becos its in space where there are stars) lookin behind asterods an space junk but they wasn’t there.
Then I rembered, in space noone can here you scream!
Wow. I’m really surprised that this author knows that there’s no sound in space! And kind of impressed.
So I couldn’t here them, unless maybe I have another special power!
What, creating your own atmosphere so that sound can travel and you can hear it? Yes, that would be a… special power.
I thot hard to try an listen when I heard something it was….. WHEETLY!
Forget what I said about being impressed.
“You bloody sod stop oh god save the queen!”.
Oh dear lord this dialogue. It’s terrible. I don’t care if the author’s a troll; she still needs to spend some time in the room where all the robots scream at you. I’m talking a long time.
Chell was there an she was beeting him up an Wheetly was all broken lookin. My heart fell but the sight of my tru love gave me MORE POWER an I flew towars him.
Chell is beating up Wheatley? How do you beat up a metal sphere?
Also, how is she surviving in space? Does she also have superpowers, or is she just an indestructible badass? That might be canon, actually.
“Cheel stop hurtin Wheetly!” I begged to her. Chell looked right at me with a lot of hatred an some sad too an said:
CHELL’S GOING TO TALK I WONDER WHAT SHE WILL SAY OMG
“Wheetly went evil an tried to kill me an I bet he tried to kill you too because we’re sisters Im sorry I never telled you Marissa.”
Okay, what you’re doing there is rambling. You just rambled.
I o-mouthed again at the revelation.
I guess “o-mouthed” is just one of the author’s stock phrases.
Chell new we were sisters the hole time? But Glados sayd she didn’t tell her, that was when I realized it was trap.
DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN
“Help me Marrissa this bloody bugger is trying to wank me!” Wheetly pleaded as Chell kept beeting him up.
That British slang. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Either that or we’ve got some Chelley shipping now, in which case Marissa is going to be jealous and we'll probably end up having some sort of ridiculous love triangle.
“Yur not Chell, yur GLADOS!” I screamed an “Chell” got a “Oh S***!” look on her feces.
Well, maybe the fact that she managed to get an “Oh S***!” look on her feces was a tip-off that something weird was up.
Nonetheless. Chell is GLaDOS? What?
I punched fak Chell in her face an the skin ripped off to show that she was a robot like the Terminator but instead of terminator it was Glados!
Oh, well, now you put it that way it makes perfect sense.
Wouldn’t it be great if Marissa was wrong and just ended up punching Chell in the face? Chell would probably murder her. I’m disappointed that that didn’t happen.
“Why did you trick me?”
As if GLaDOS needs a reason to be manipulative and evil.
“I wanted revenge for you stopping me from sewisding!” Glados robot screemed.
So when she actually is screaming, no caps lock?
Befour I could get MY revenge of Glados Wheetly yelled out real loud!
Commas are your friends, MarissaTheWriter. The first time I read this sentence, I found myself wondering who “Glados Wheetly” was.
“BLOODY HELL IT’S A SODDING ASTEROD HEADED STRATE TOWARDS US!” I looked an saw the Asterod it was bout to hit us when…..
…Space Core showed up and saved the day, in space! Using space powers. That he got from being in space. Did I mention he’s in space? Because he is. In space.
TO BE CONTINUED!
HOW DID I SURVIVE THAT? WHERE ALLS THE POWERS COMING FROM? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER THREE WITH EVVEN MORE INTENSE ACTION!
And by “action,” I hope she doesn’t mean “hot OC-on-Wheatley action,” though for all I know that’s exactly what she does mean.
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Fanfic MST: ITS MY LIFE!, a Portal fic [part 1]
Next to "My Immortal" and "Forbiden Fruit," this is the fic you guys seemed most anxious to see moved over to the new site. Well, never fear, "ITS MY LIFE!" is here!
For those of you new to this fic, I'll try to explain in brief. It stars an author-insert Mary Sue OC, co-stars the author's absolutely terrible spelling and grammar, and also features incredibly out-of-character versions of the canon cast. It's also a trollfic; though I don't normally MST trollfics, I decided someone had to run commentary on this one after it racked up a few hundred reviews on FF.net. (And I'm glad I did! This MST netted me a lot of new readers.)
It's also the first of a saga, but back when I wrote this MST there was no saga, only "ITS MY LIFE!" (To those of you wondering if the other MarissaTheWriter fics will be moved over: yes. They will be. Eventually.)
Brief content warning for this fic in general: MarissaTheWriter fics tend to be gory, to contain a good deal of (oddly, always censored?) swearing, to have sexual themes, to contain references to drugs and alcohol, and to, on occasion, have triggering content. This chapter, for instance, involves self-harm and suicide. However, it is presented in so thoroughly absurd a way that I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't be bothered by it, unless the absurd take on serious issues is in itself the bother. Regardless: in this chapter a computer self-harms and attempts suicide. Heads-up for that.
AN: Hi guyz this is my first story its what I think happens iin Portla 3!
Ah yes, the Portla series we all know and love. Featuring such memorable characters as Wheatlye, GLaDSO, Atlsa, P-boyd, Cave Johnsno, Carolien, and (who could forget!) our daring protagonist, Chell.
ITS MY LIFE
Without the exclamation point, this title seems a lot less enthusiastic, all-caps or no.
CHAPTER 1 RETURN TO PORTAL AN A SUPER HUGE SUPRISE!
With real confetti this time?
Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped.
Marissa Roberts. Who was doing tests with Chell. Funny, I’d completely forgotten she existed. Oh, wait…
Glados had captured me in the science lab places and made me do bad tests.
This is tremendously descriptive writing.
There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing.
So she died in a pool of her own excrement. The end.
“FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!” Glados screemed to me.
Because, naturally, GLaDOS screams often. It's her main method of communication, because her screaming is totally necessary when she communicates with the test subjects through speakers (which she can easily adjust the volume of) anyway. Also, not like the one time she screamed in-game was used for a climactic plot moment or anything.
Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing.
The description is so terrible that I'm honestly kind of impressed with it.
“THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD.”
Even though this is a trollfic and it's totally unnecessary, lemme nitpick this line of dialogue. I won't be doing this much in the future, because the entire story fails this much and I don't need to point it out, but, just this once, how about I examine all the ways in which this dialogue sucks?
Spelling and grammatical errors. The sentence should read “Their names are Atlas and P-body; now leave me alone, I’m sad.”
GLaDOS never refers to the co-op bots as Atlas and P-body. She calls them Blue and Orange. She never states that they are named Blue and Orange, however, so even if you change Atlas and P-body to Blue and Orange this still doesn’t make sense.
GLaDOS never comes out and just states what she’s feeling. If she did, you’d know she was lying about it. If she’s mad, she’ll act passive-aggressive. If she’s happy, she’ll try to hide it. If she’s fond of someone, she’ll sing about how she wants to get rid of them. Etc.
No sarcasm? No petty insults? No offhand remarks referencing something sociopathic she did in the past?
Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo and was always gettin on my nerves.
Yeah, this is basically the Portal version of "My Immortal." (My Im-portal?) I’m sorry, guys.
So now GLaDOS listens to Avril Lavigne and is a “goth emo”? Are those two things connected? What’s gothic about Avril Lavigne?
I really want to know how the hell a computer can cry, incidentally.
“Hi b**** we are here to test you.” Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT’S A MOVIE!).
The co-op bots can’t talk.
Censorship wasn’t me, it’s the author.
I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas. P-Bod was just starin’ at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place.
P-body is probably intended as female. Not that it matters whatsoever, but given the pitch of her voice and her overall shape, I think most players would assume her to be female, which just makes it a little bit odd that MarissaTheWriter assumed male instead.
Also, “his robot place”?
That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me.
Two portals. You need two portals for that.
And you can just step out of it, too.
Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them.
How can they smoke? They’re robots! They don’t even have mouths! Their eyes are in the middle of their torsos!
I was fedup with all of portal labs and jumped from teh portals.
Portal Labs. Really?
We’re less than a chapter in and already I want to destroy this story.
I ladled onto my lung fall boots and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy.
Lung Fall Boots! Boots for your… lungs! So they don’t fall!
I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL) so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant.
You can’t “portal” both of them at once, you only have two portals!
Altas angered at me an P-Boy said “You broked are drugs now you will pay!”
The drugs… broke?
Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz.
That’s inefficient. Just make her look directly at the operational end of the device.
Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out.
Please explain to me how on earth Atlas and P-body could possibly drink beer.
All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn’t see eachother in moths.
Months? She’s been testing for months? How is she not dead — oh, wait, that says “moths.” Never mind.
Also, why and how is Companion Cube doing tests on its own? Seems like being an inanimate object would be a bit of a setback there. I like to think that GLaDOS is just making it sit around in a ridiculously easy testchamber so she can taunt it about what a failure it is for not having completed it. Maybe call it fat a few times.
But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met an he had a super sexay British aksent, but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell.
Oh no. MarissaTheWriter is a Wheatley fangirl. You can tell where this is headed, can't you?
I kind of hate every pairing involving Wheatley. Excepting, of course, the obviously canon pairing of Wheatley and testing.
I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby.
Well, I wasn’t anticipating that.
I’m going to be mature and not make a Conversion Gel joke.
There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon where Wheetly was. I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch.
Aperture is underground, so how the hell did she manage to see the moon? Why is there a window in the testchamber?
Speaking of which, why isn’t GLaDOS antagonizing them? Why is she just letting them… not solve the test? What?
Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy started lolling at me again an calling me names like “Fat Uguly B****!” I stared rite at their lauffin’ feces and said my first words!
Their lauffin’ feces. Got it.
“OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!”
Those are terrible first words. I’m going to have to penalize you by fifty science collaboration points.
An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me.
They were calling her fat and ugly a minute ago…
“Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn’t space lost!” I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was.
Let me answer that question with a question: WHO WANTS TO MAKE $60?
There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself!
What? GLaDOS’s chamber is right next to the testchamber? How can Marissa even look into it, since she didn’t solve the test?
And how on earth is GLaDOS cutting herself?
“CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER’S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!”
Dear lord, what on earth is going on here?
Why is GLaDOS talking to Chell? Chell isn’t even there!
Also, this is the worst dialogue for GLaDOS I have ever read. This is some of the worst dialogue for anyone that I have ever read.
Then robot blood started goin everwhere and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1!
Robot blood?
I can’t decide if I should hate that GLaDOS just got killed off or be grateful that she’s not going to be mangled by this author’s horrible writing anymore.
THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!
Yes, indeed, you too can find out about necks time merely by clicking the link below! I do not, however, guarantee that there will indeed be necks.
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