#its so ugly and i dont know how to fix jt. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mirtifero · 9 months

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I dont typ e it because i lack the emergy ans my head hirts. Funnn fun fun fun fun i want to kill myself i wished i was dead isnt it funnt isnt it so fucking funny i love saying that bevause it doesnt feel serious right everyone feels rhat everyone doed ! Why would you care if i said i was going to kill myself. Im a hysteric little bitch an annoying ass teenager i think too much i live in my own dumb world and jmahine things tjay arw nkr eeal ams make everyone angrynat em and eberuone LEAVES Isnt that funy isnt it. It is funny it has to be. Kt need s to be funnt. Im hysteric and thats why no one tales me seirlusly . If i wastn tlike this people would take me seriously. Ah yes thank you for your interesting imput nook ineed to say it like a weird bitch i cannot be normal for fucjs asake i thi k im always rigth i thing k im always correct and i al2aus always need everyothing to be funnt and good and everything has to have hope i. Jt because it NEEDS to because otherwise i will DIE. the ghosts of people who left because thwy couldnt care leas about ne haunt me and j think abkut them coming back and laughing at me all the time. Everyone laughts at me. Its so easy to laugh at someone whk wants to be funny all the time. Isnt it funny. I find it funnt. Im laughing rght now. Shsoukd ng i?every noght i dream i cant speak i cant breathe i cant move and everuone laughs at me and everyone thisnks im crazy. And every dream i see people loving me and laughing bevause they KNOW they wont coome backk they are GONE . I cant do anything right

Its been 24 days since winter break statterx. 24 days. 24 days and i STILL FWEL LIKE THIS. I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS. AJBQQNBS ISNT IT AMAZING. ????? . GOD IM SO STUPID.

Im just on my period oh im just a teenager oh itll pass im justt FINE. EVERYONE feels like this. Everyone has a perdect body and perfwct everything and looks in the mirror and feels like a hysteric ugly weak bitch and thinks why am I even trying. I habe what? More than a year clean. Provavly more than one year and a half. And i still dream about cutting myself in front of people i think about BEGGING to be listened to I dream of BEGGING to be HEARD.

But my psychologist is right everything is OKAY

I'm just a teenager.

It will go away

I need to wait

I' normal im just like any other girl.

Perhaps as hysteric as any other girl. As fake as any other. Im just like the ones who bullied and abused me.

I just need to wait

EVERYONE feels like this. EVERYONE commits suicide in most of their dreams. EVERYONE is horrified and thinks about how everyone is going to leave them. EVERYONE WANTS TO DIE. AND EVERYONE. EVERYONE. IS STUPID AND WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER BE LISTENED TO BECAUSE THEY ARE A HYSTERIC PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHO CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IS JUST EMBARRASSING AND EMBARRASSING AND A LITTLE KID WHOS EMBARRASSING TO EVERYONE AND I AM JUST TROUBLE AND I AM just. I just. I wanted to have just died back then. I wanted to have just died before I discovered that life can be better. I didn't need hope. I feel forever tired. No amount of winter breaks will fix this. No growing up will. And if it will I'll kill myself for it. Because it's just too embarrassing to lie. And I'm not lying. I'm not. I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself if I was lying. I'm not lying. I'm not exagerating im not being dramatic im not im not im not i just want people to HEAR me. I just want to be heard. Please. Please . Please. Please. Im so sorry. Please. Please. I hate myself and all that i get embarrassed for. I hate evrything i am. I hate how i cant seem to do anything. Im a liar. Im a liar im a dirty liar. Please. Please.

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

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They thought ole' Slick Willie was slick, well they don't see me a comin'!

-S.Leigh

Antron Brown and Mike Salinas:

Our rags to riches success stories.

In 2018 i began giving drivers $2 million per year to fix their personal assets and finances. Until 2022. They had to sign contracts promising to give awsy half of that fortune by 2026. $4M

In 2018 i began giving all mechanics, tuners, etc $1 million per year to fix their personal assets and finances. Until 2022. They had to sign contracts to give away half of that fortune by 2026. $2M

So as you read for Antron and his work crew he himself took time out of collecting to look over the smaller kids to make sure they were staying out of fights and behaving and the adults, too.

How Mike Salinas was actually only 12 years old being called an old man because he wanted just to collect cans.

You didn't read how the girls got mad the old man and the boys only picked up metal and left none for them and left all the trash. Erica. That mean ole girl she just didn't get it. Recycling woman! Sticking her nose and up at old man business.

"Well let's see how much Snoop will pay you to clean up the trash then. How much do you think you'll earn? Come along then. All you pretty nice girls, you too Erica. We gotta get you on the payroll"

Snoop worked the Snack Shack. When i asked for money for the kids and heard the cash register ding I pretend I didn't hear it. When i asked for some food and i didn't hear the tippy tap of them register keys, I pretend I heard. And slide a napkin across the counter. "Here's your paper money Snoop" he'd always laugh and giggle. No matter it was 150° in that Sugar Shack or 2 below zero.

I knew we had money from Michael Jackson and the CIA. I just had a role to play. For the adults that "bitch witch" for the kids, the momma.

He paid all them kids the same 10 cents to the girls per item and 5 cents to the boys.

Then always buffet and shopping sprees.

They all got $5 no matter how much they worked. Equal pay. Equal rights.

Antron Brown noticed. "I picked up more than them boys over there and they got the same. They were playing in the mud all day and lying and hey how come i get $5 each time i work no matter hiw much im workin? It rain. $5. It snow -- well it ain't snowed yet. But if it did $5. And if it's hot $5"

"Well you think you earn more than $5 you let me know and I'll pay you"

"He did today Snoop. He earned $20"

"I did not! I picked up 5 items because i knew i would get $5!!"

"Well I'll tell you what. I'll give you $40 because she knows you asked a very nice question nicely so that's $20 and then you went and been honest so that's $40. So how much you get?"

"$5 Every time i come down here! Boy I tell you what! I come down here a sweat. Work my poor soul to death and $5!!"

"Snoop i must tell you he's been telling on us what we been doin down here because he went home last weekend. And they telling him he ain't earned a fair wage per hour"

Snoops emotions went roller coaster. "Tell me the most important thing you said then say it again"

"He went home. The rest we will work on later not in front of the children"

"He went home then huh? He went home?! He WENT HOME!!!"

Antron on about his $5 suddenly stopped "huh. Yeah I did so? I like it, too! $5 that all I get for working down here! Slave labor by a black man and this ole white woman here!"

Man that boy hit super crazy on that roller coaster go button!! He flew out that suga shack like he was on a broom!

Picked that boy up by his armpits and set him on the counter. "Boy! Lookie here behind you. Look what you getting!"

"Yeah i know! $5 that all you get round here! Slave labor! You just trying to pay me the rest to shut me up!! Slave labor!!"

Snoop was lit on fire and that kid was building him a cross.

"BOY!! GIRL!!!! YOU BEEN TEACHING HIM TOO MUCH!!!"

I crossed my arms "i blame his parents" i leaned againat the wall. The sun was setting. The parents would be there soon. "Put Erica up on there."

"Oh. Boy! I am lit! Which one is Erica?!?"

"This one behind you. She's trying so hard not to be amused"

"Girl! Come here let me get at you. Here you take this one and this one. Sabrina Go get me a $5 out that drawer. Now Lookie see this here. You now say what he say. It say you get $10"

"Slave labor! We ain't free i get $10"

"$10!!! Im getting outta here!!" He jumped down.

"Boy what would happen I did that? You know how much she make? $10. You know how much i make $5. Because she smarter than me! She pay attention ans she make sure when i call you a niglet she always tell me you're an African King even when you're not around!! For all these kids out here!!"

"Now how can we all be kings?"

"You are. You're an independent contractor. You're a king of your own way. You desire more money then we will pay"

"And you're a Queen and you're pretty. No matter how i say all you pretty girls and Erica, too. I heard them other girls making fun of you the other day and you know what you say? Let's get to work. No time for fooling around we got to clean so we get paid. You know what i think of you? You're a Queen. A Queen of England. A Queen of America and a Queen of yourself. And you're pretty, too. And you know what? Dont let them boys be foolish saying that your work was no good because it ain't metal. Aint nothing wrong with metal and aint nothing wrong with picking up trash. And you know what i think of you? You're brave. You didn't run up and tell no one nothing. You stood up to those girls although i think your feelings were hurt. And it broke my heart and made me cry and I wasn't even called ugly. I had to come in here and hide so no one would see but Snoop. And I thought long and hard about an apology to you. But I decided it wasn't good enough. I deserved to be you for you. Stand up strong and proud no matter how i feel and get to work. So i decided the next day to tell those girls how I feel and you, too. And it didn't help. Not one iota. So i decided to try again on the advice of snoop. Not the next day but the same day. And i told the truth. I didn't say it was about you but i said one day not too long ago i did overheard someone say someone else wasn't too pretty and how it made me cry. And you all thought I was talking about myself. And I didn't know what to do or how to explain that it wasn't about me but about you. How i care more about you than I do me. And you know what all those adults out there call me? Witch Bitch. And i don't care. I get here and I get to work. But the difference between me and you little one is you're little and you got your whole life ahead of you and anyone call you ugly you punch them and you tell them to go find Sabrina and I'll deal with it. Okay?"

"Yeah because you tell me and us our feelings are important. You say and i quote "your feelings are important Erica and all you other girls too. Ever since that day i meant" and she hung her head.

And all them words i said. I felt like i said nothing at all. Not a dam word. Alex always did something when I needed strength so i did it.

I took my thumb and forefinger and pinched her chin and i tilted her head and raised her eyes to mine "and i love you"

A big ole grin spread across her face. Her eyes lit up and she said "i knew it!! I knew thats why we always come to this place!!!" And she swung her arm like a champ

Meanwhile Antron Brown was stomping the ground and saying "i knew it! I knew it too! An old white woman would love me!!"

"Well Antron! Of course i do!"

"Oh! I know! That's all i meant to say"

"Can i get down now? I think i see my parents"

"Your parents?!?! I didn't know you went home, too!"

"Tuesday! Yup that was me!"

She jumped down and i turned around and there was a crowd before me. All the NHRA we stole from that hadn't quit yet. All the ones we gave the stolen goods too. Parents. God. So so so many parents!

"Come on. Get with your kids. Come on now. Go home for once. All you. Except you Mike Salinas i need to ask you a question"

They did And he did.

I went in the kitchen to hide and cry.

"Sabrina. Now look what you did, you have gave Mike Salinas $13,000 in 6 months. What you got to say to?"

"I earned it"

"Mike i asked you One day why you pick up cans."

"To earn money"

"I told you another day i knew who won all the fights and if you laid down a bet I would make sure you won. And if you lost on my bad advice, i would pay you double. And there you went" it was so hard not to cry "and you looked and you looked at me and you told me it disgusted you and made you sick to your stomach to see grown men fighting"

"I know it did. I told you i just wanted to pick up cans and it was good clean fun"

I linked my arm in his "and you're right, you're $13,000 richer than you were before" we walked to the clubhouse

I could hear snoop Tele tell me "tell him! Tell him jt was you! Hes the one that started calling youba witch bitch!"

"Snoop i have something to confess to you about that."

"You know what Mike. I wanna find out if you made more money in good clean fun than you would gambling. Betting on those fights. We'll ask Snoop"

He didn't. He made 1/3 less.

So in the clubhouse office we found out. I laid on the floor straight on my stomach.

"She has a heart condition. Palpitations. Its the only thing that makes it feel better but medication which she refuses. Here. Take your pill"

"Oh! I forgot! Im only gonna lay down till it kicks in. Good clean cold floor"

I could feel Mike Salinas staring. I knew he Didn't know

"But she's a witch bitch. She changes my hair colors! I know it's her because I always hear her laughing. Me and the other guys been talking and they frel so too. Nothing good or nothing come out this place til you all arrived. I used to hate it and the other guys did too. We look like punk rockers we decided then we didn't mind and i tell you people quit messing with us. I guess they thought we were bad ass. So i heard these meaner looking boys out there talking how they would rape her and so i started calling hwr a witch bitch loud whenever they were around. Make them scared of her, too"

I was so proud of him.

"I know you two are here to be good. You call them little niglets or niggers and she corrects you. African Queens! And you tilt your head way back so the short kids can't see you. Im short, too. But not that short" finished Mike Salinas "you put on a gig out here and just to show them respect and role play. Knowing you got to show them how to treat each other and know right from wrong, I'm only 12 but I see that, too. I started crying when they first brought me metal because we're so poor i can barely eat much less run a car. And she would point to that little boy When i would get to thinking about how much money they helped me with and i looked at her I knew she had part of something to do with it. And that little boy. Oh!! When he would see me get to smiling he would hoot and hollar and jump up and down. He would get so happy. Makes me think one day i could get to racing which is my drreeeaam. Which I thought was never possible till now"

"Snoop. Double it" i said from the floor. I heard Snoop move a large stack of cash to the middle of the table.

"Is that for me... Or?

"If you want it

"Because" i sat up. Suddenly the room went black. "Are they still here or.. Where did every one Go?"

I saw snoop come at me on the floor his face close to mine then disappear. Over and over again.

My heart collapsed and I died. He was giving me mouth to mouth and CPR "Call the ambulance. Call 911. She keeps doing it. They keep trying to take her. Call 911 hurry please"

We bought that race track. We still own it. I am the sole owner.

These kids. I went to Armageddon and I said my job isn't done yet. You can't keep me here. You have until i arrive at the hospital to tell me what mess you've made. And why. Why am I here?

I had doubt in my failures.

They don't know shit.

...

So Antron Brown, Brittany Force, Mike Salinas, Erica, and more.

Steve Torrence. John Foce, pedragons, Jason line and Greg who got purple hair, too.

You are all our success stories.

We taught you everything we possibly could. Even unfair wages between men and woman later in days. Not one got kidnapped again.

Except like me, Mike Salinas lost all his memories.

He can't find it. But he wants it.

That race track. He needs it.

All those kids, too. We planted flowers and painted the building. Fixed bleachers, mowed grass.

So i give all you babies $4 million dollars to share to do what we did. Free safe babysitting. Teaching history and right from wrong.

And I'm gonna make sure all you niglets do it right so you know how to raise Kings and Queens.

And so I'm gonna make Snoop in charge again. He ain't too busy. Just protecting my life. Stopping human trafficking. Holding a music career. He's own 3 TV shows. He ain't too busy to run a Sugar Shack.

So I'm gonna give him $4 million dollars. And the Tree of Knowledge will give him $1 million dollars.

Cause them kids gonna need $5 for they slave labor!

They may be grown with kids of their own but they still our babies.

We already taught them to clean. Fix things up and make them pretty. So they will remember how to do so and spend the $4 million dollars on renovations. Keeping as much as the original or replacing it exactly as I bought it. So it's perfectly unchanged and can help them remember and heal all is lost from themselves.

And help heal all that is lost for others.

And give them more thwn they could ever dream of.

Candy! I know your makeup done washed off from all the love!

So, Chandler. How you loving it now?!?

You took over a few times because i had 3 heart attacks and so they at first all said I was busy and couldn't be there but my daughter could be instead.

So it's your home, too.

You're not too, busy, what? Writing books? Manuscripts. Stopping human trafficking. Being awesome on TV.

I know you have time to plant some daisies and lilies

So I give you $500,000 to pit toward what they need.

888-8.5 that's too hard.

So let's call it an even.

I have 879 million left.

But that's not all. My heart is still working! And im still on Earth. So. What say...

3milluon to buy supplies for go carts the kids put together and pine box cars and whatever need for speed things they can manage to handle on their own -- mostly

876.

Chantlily lace. What a pretty face! Oh baby! That's what i like!!

And of course use of the facility is always free. For eternity.

So original old school..

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