#its gonna be okay selina u got the feline version of a dog

[nerdpoe]

The Curse of the Cat (With the Exemption of Selina Kyle) Part 2

Ao3, I lost part 1 but that's fine cuz it's in the Ao3 link I didn't edit this. This is unedited and it is late. Have warmup crack chappie.

She had done her research, hunted down all occult practitioners she could find, and after half a year of slaving away and ignoring all other heists-she’d found it.

The cause of half the population gaining cat ears and tails.

The Infinite Realms, Pandora’s Box.

Granted, it was just a guess, but out of the seventy-nine Occultists she’d cornered and interrogated, the phrase “Pandora’s Box” had left the lips of sixty-two of them.

Was she grasping for straws? Perhaps. But no one had any better ideas, and Selina needed to steal her own cat ears and tail! She was Catwoman! She needed them!

Further research into Pandora’s Box had led her to Pandora, which had led her to the concept of Ghosts, which had branched into Paranormal Researchers, which brought her straight to the Drs Fenton, then the Ghost Zone, then she’d brought that back to the Occultists for them to translate it to the Infinite Realms.

Most of them had gone for drinks after reading that the Fenton’s had made a machine that punched a hole through reality and into the Infinite Realms. Others had sat down and started crying.

Something about powerful, almost-gods residing in that dimension. Whatever. That was for Batman or something, and was none of Selina’s business.

She was currently preoccupied with stealing the strange hovercraft and going into the Infinite Realms, going directly against what every single Occultist had tried to tell her not to do.

But she was Catwoman. She would correct this.

Plus, there were recent posts circulating that Catwoman was appropriating Feline culture, or that she was just cringe. That she was a version of Transracial, like Rachel Dolezal.

Those were unforgivable.

She knew for a fact that her not getting those feline appendages was a mistake. An oversight.

A sin.

And she was going to correct it.

~~~~~~

Bernard woke up feeling…odd.

Tim’s tail was wrapped around his waist, and one hand was lazily running down his ear.

“Hey babe, wake up; a new animal appendage epidemic just dropped.”

Bernard opened his eyes and lifted himself up, bewildered.

Tim smiled down at him.

“Borzoi for you, it seems.”

Bernard yanked the blankets to the side and stared in dismay at the lanky, furry tail that moved in time with his own movements.

“What’s wrong babe?” Tim asked, concerned.

“I’m gonna have to wear one of those new tail nets now.” They were so annoying looking! He didn’t want to!

But dog hair in food!

Tim, the jerk, laughed at him.

~~~~~~

Commissioner Gordon glared at everyone as he walked into work, new ears flat and his new tail straight and still.

He thought he’d dodged this fuckery.

He had not.

German Shepherd. He, a Police Commissioner, was a German Shepherd subtype.

It felt like a jab at him. He didn’t like it.

He slammed his office door shut behind him and sat at his desk, only to hiss and readjust when he sat on his new tail.

That done, he sent out texts to see whether or not his friends and family were going to suffer with him.

He prayed he was not the only one.

~~~~~~

Barbara stared at her legs.

They moved and twitched restlessly alongside her tail.

‘ That’s…a whippet tail, no? ’ She thought in shock, still coming to terms that gaining animal ears and tail had just…given her her legs back.

That couldn’t be all there was to it?

Information. 

She needed information, and the massive computer she used to gather it was in the other room.

She looked at her wheelchair, waiting for her at the side of her bed.

She looked at her legs, which were still twitching with the urgent need to walk, to run, to get up and move-

She swung her legs off the bed, braced, and for the first time since the Joker took it from her, stood up.

She also immediately fell down, because her leg muscles had deteriorated and she’d need to relearn how to use them, but.

But.

For a half a second, she had definitely been standing on her own.

Walking….walking was no longer an impossibility. 

It was just something blocked by physical therapy.

But how did that fit, if she, overnight, had regained the ability to use them at all?

Barbara couldn’t help the laugh that escaped.

She pulled herself to her wheelchair and got in, using the quickest way she had to get to her computers.

First, an appointment with Leslie. Next, research to see if this had happened with any of the Cats.

~~~~~~

Dick woke up to pain in his ear.

He twitched it away from the source of the pain and rolled over-wait.

He…he moved his ear away from the…?

Oh joy of joys, had it finally happened?!

Dick launched himself upright, scaring Haley, who had been chewing on his new ear, and freed himself from the blankets, racing for his bathroom.

He got the the mirror, tail a blur of motion behind him as it wagged with his excitement-oh. Wait. That wasn’t a cat tail?

The wagging slowed down, and Dick took a moment to study it and his new ears.

That…hey! He knew that kind of tail! And those ears!

Haley had them too!

Pitbull! Pittie!

The tail started wagging again and Dick crouched down to play with an excited Haley.

“We have so much in common now! Yes we do! Yes we do!”

Haley was, predictably, ecstatic.

It wasn’t catlike balance or anything, but Dick would take it!

~~~~~~

Leslie Thompkins looked over the MRI results, frowning.

The damage, while there, was heavily diminished. If anything, all Barbara would need was a year or two of physical therapy. 

Then she pulled up Barbara’s research, looking over what had been notated in similar cases with those of Feline Affiliation.

In order for the new tail to grow, it appeared that if there was any damage to the spine, it would be circumvented for the new appendage to properly form. The one’s from the Feline study appeared to be doing well, and there hadn’t been any notes of a random relapse into previous damage.

Magic, apparently, made exactly as much sense as it wanted to at any given time.

Leslie’s own new ears, a Border Collie of all things, were still folded back in her own uncertainty. But she had the evidence she needed, right in front of her.

“...I think it’s safe to say that after a year or two of Physical Therapy, you should be walking and running with everyone else. A year after that, and you might be well enough to fling yourself from rooftops like the others.”

Barbara Gordon was sitting on the exam bed, pale and staring down at her feet, which were still twitching. The result of many, many nerves suddenly receiving signals from a connection that had been lost for so long, none of them knew what to do with the information being presented to them.

Hence, twitching.

Leslie estimated it would wear off in a week or two.

“So. I can tell people and not have to worry about it being…a lie?”

“You can tell whoever you want. Do you want to do that before or after we set up your physical therapy?”

~~~~~~

Selina staggered out of the glider thing, having barely escaped from an angry ghost. God. Thing.

There was no one in the basement, thankfully, and she managed to make her way to a mirror and sink that were off to the side, eager to see what feline traits she’d gained. She hadn’t had any time in the Infinite Realms; she’d been too busy running from threats.

But the mirror did not hold any salvation.

Selina stared at herself in the mirror, the fox ears on her head standing prominent and obvious, and not feline at all.

She turned, looking at her tail-that was a fox tail.

Very, very suddenly, Selina was just. 

Exhausted.

She was going home, and she was going to sleep for a week.

Then, she was going to steal something shiny.

~~~~~~

Clark took the plate of pancakes from Ma, cheerfully handing them over to Pa.

Jon stole one or two of them, his new tail only betraying him with a single wag.

Clark just chuckled, sitting down next to Lois, and felt something in himself settle.

He finally felt like he was Ma and Pa’s son in a way that wasn’t just adoption.

With the exception of Lois and her Lioness ears and tail, everyone in the kitchen at Great Pyrenees ears and tails.

~~~~~~

Seven planets over, Kon stared at his reflection in his guest room.

“Uh…Okay. I. I guess?”

He definitely hadn’t been a furry when he’d gone to bed. Yet, there he stood, with the ears and tail of a Pyrenees dog.

“...This is probably Lex’s fault, somehow.”

#phanfic #crackfic #its gonna be okay selina u got the feline version of a dog