#it's fine. it's fucking fine. there's nothing to prove. i don't need to fucking cram. there's no test. i can go slow.

[slippery-minghus]

The One In Which Nik Talks Themself Through Making A Decision #408

oof. this is not a new struggle for me by any means but it sure hasn't gotten easier yet. i'm really, really not in the mood for going to bjj class tonight. i'm tired, i'm dreading the exertion, and i don't want to be in the same position as last week of being exhausted nearly to the point of tears after class (and only keeping it together because i knew crying would make it 11x worse).

but on the flipside, i don't feel like i feel awful enough to justify "i'm tired" as an excuse. (even if reaching that same point of exhaustion as i did last week feels realistically likely). i feel like just because one of my friends won't be there today, and i added that to my reasoning to skip class last time i did (which was not my main reason! and i went to a second class the next day! the original plan was two classes in two days, which absolutely would have burned me out!) means that even though it's also not a major aspect of my reasoning this time, it's "proving" that i'm somehow an unreliable flake who must be judged, and that no other reason can carry merit if this one is involved. (and uh... nevermind that seeing my new friends is a major reason for me to look forward to going. and is a legitimate reason. and also, for the record, this is not a sport i'm taking super seriously?? i'm there to have fun and learn a cool skill, and feel better in my body. not to fuckin fast track it to black belt so i can compete with the gym rats) (and uh.... going twice a week right now, now that i've sort of plateaued and my body is finding its current limits... the twice a week plan feels a bit unsustainable. i haven't felt good after the wednesday class the last few weeks. and the point of this IS to feel good... i know going less means the plateau will take longer to push through but... am i going to get swole or am i going to have fun and get a little stronger???)

i struggle so much with these decisions. i was always labeled by the people in my life as unreliable and malicious when i was younger, and it's really made it hard to justify it when i don't want to do a thing. even when i know i don't. i know part of that assigned unreliability when i was young was partially my own doing, because i had no concept of boundaries (especially self preserving ones) and no concept of my disabilities. i was always pushing past my limits. i was often a bad fit for the few people who were willing to befriend me, and my dislike for what they enjoyed and inability to keep up with them physically was always written off as a personal moral failure. (also, wow. look at the self blame in that sentence)

so i feel like i forever and ever have to have 100% attendance to every commitment for the rest of my life forever to make up for it. to make up for having had friends who weren't patient/didn't like me, for being disabled, for not being able/willing to be the perfect white picket fence child my parents wanted......... shit. putting it that plainly makes it painfully clear.

laying low, staying on the couch, and going to bed a bit early tonight sound really, really nice.

#especially because by the time class would be due to end tonight i'll likely already be dozing off on the couch #also like?? there's one friend who ONLY goes to the saturday classes and there's no fucking judgement??????? #it's just nice to see her when she's there??? and i've still gotten the chance to get to know her #even at that cadence??? and she's still gotten really good in only a few months??? #it's fine. it's fucking fine. there's nothing to prove. i don't need to fucking cram. there's no test. i can go slow. #i'm doing this to make my body happy in the moment AND the future. not to force it to be unhappy now for the sole benefit of the future #i lived like that for 25 years and it's a hard habit to break i'll tell you that #and shit. i was just talking a coworker who wasn't feeling well today into taking tomorrow off #so she can rest up for her travel plans this weekend so she's better enough by then to actually enjoy herself #i need to fucking practice what i preach #personal

[curiousconch]

Chase You / Chase Me (Pt. 3)

Part 3: Remember when everything was different

Catch up here: Series Masterlist

Chapter Summary: Aislinn, Gigi and Alex find friendship in the midst of the competition. One discussion led to another, pushing Alex to take a trip down memory lane, revealing the moment in her past where she and Gabe's paths crossed for the first time.

Book/Pairing: Choices - Laws of Attraction / Gabe Ricci x MC (Alex Keating)

Words: 1.7k+

Rating/Warnings: Mature (16+) / alcohol consumption, language. Scenes/themes may trigger trauma for some, reader discretion advised.

Disclaimer: Most of the characters as well as some dialogue belong to Pixelberry. I am merely borrowing them.

Sunday, downtown New York

"Wait, can you back up for a moment," Aislinn said across Alex, who was scooping the remains of her melted banana split. Gigi was sipping her ice-cold mimosa, their brunch table full of plates with scrapes of leftovers. The sun was out and so were they, dining al fresco under the shade of a huge white parasol and the gentle breeze cooling them every now and then. It was a perfect day so far.

The trio has agreed to meet up that Sunday to discuss what went down with the Rothswell case as well as to prep for the conference Sadie had invited them to. They were on some kind of a peace pact, all of them sharing the view that pitting women against women in the corporate world is just shitty business.

Alex has enjoyed their company. They exchanged imaginary one-liners that would have made Martin frown his heart out or Beau McGraw chortle his head off. And speaking of McGraw, they all concluded that the best strategic course of action was to let Beau enjoy his moment in the sun. One day, Alex would make sure to remind him that he tried to rain on her parade.

It was a refreshing and enlightening discussion, though she will forever be traumatized with how many swears Gigi can cram in a single sentence. But the sight of a flustered Aislinn while Alex and Gigi engaged in a battle of pick-up lines with their waiter was a strong second contender.

As their drinks flowed, the conversation naturally led to rhetorical questions, now settling at why they became a lawyer. Aislinn shared first, surprisingly, stating that her knack for analysis was just a natural fit to the demands of a career in law. Gigi's answer was simple - she can leverage her eidetic memory to earn herself some serious dough, allowing her to live it up and take impromptu vacations to Bali.

Alex tried to dodge the question. She had never needed to discuss her reason of leaving pre-med behind to attend law school. It wasn't a pleasant memory, and she doubted it will ever be.

The two ladies were quick to see her attempts of evasion. But together, they finally wore her down, Alex left laughing with their shenanigans as they cornered her to tell her story. So she told them that she knew Gabe Ricci. And that it was because of him why she was a lawyer. Alex decided that revealing the truth was worth it, seeing how their jaws just dropped to the floor.

"Girl, you have to explain yourself right now," Gigi demanded, to which Aislinn seconded.

Alex snorted as she went back to skimming what was left of her dessert. "It's a boring sob story, and I don't want to turn this lovely morning into a snooze fest."

"We're not going anywhere, right Gi?" Aislinn turned to Gigi beside her, who nodded whilst sipping another glass of cocktail.

"Fine, but only if you swear this won't leave this table," she said. The two held up their hands invoking a half-smiling Alex, sensing nothing but sincerity. So she drank down her glass of bloody mary and took a deep breath, composing her tale.

"Buckle up, ladies, you're in for a ride."

**

10 years ago, in a town near Boston

Alessandra Keating had never felt more alone than she did that day.

They said she needed to just move forward. But how can she, when every day since the crash, she felt nothing but emptiness? How can she feel alright, when the only life that she knew was suddenly taken away from her?

It wasn't long before she found out that the car accident was caused by someone being reckless, by someone who thought they were above the law. Then, she imploded. No way could she let her parent's deaths be forgotten. No fucking way.

For the past three years, she invested all of herself into this endeavor. Researching, studying, choosing the right counsel, even raising funds. It was what kept her breathing, what gave her purpose. Ultimately, it was what kept her sane.

From filing the lawsuit to attending mediations, to numerous settlement meetings and colliding with every legal roadblock possible - Alex made sure to see them through. Only for everything to be decided that day - the bench trial.

One sweltering summer morning in her hometown's courthouse, Alex sat on the side of the plaintiff, with her long brunette hair tangled in waves. She let her senses wander, taking in the dark wooden panels and pews, her sense of smell invaded by the scent of old mahogany. She sealed her lips into silence, hiding her nerves by straightening the bargain khaki suit that she borrowed.

She barely held it in as her eyes travelled to the table beside them, catching a glimpse of the man that caused her immeasurable pain. With jet black hair and looking as young as her, he sat with an almost mocking expression. He was wearing a crisper set of suit, creating an illusion of trustworthiness that Alex can easily see through.

Maximilian K. Cornell. The green-eyed teenager who swerved his sports car onto the same slippery road Alex and her parents were passing through. The very same boy who got out unharmed, but left Alex's family to die in the snow. Her opponent was a slithery snake who managed to screw the justice system so many times over, just because his parents had the grease to do so.

But after the crash, the town decided they can no longer turn the other cheek. Alex's decision to sue was propelled by the support of the countless friends and families whom her parents have helped in their hour of need. But that still proved not enough.

Her mind whirled back to the proceedings, and to how every strategy, every plan of attack was being thrown out. With every whip from the defense, she started to grow impatient. As another traffic expert from her camp was dismissed, Alex just snapped inside. She leaned to Mr. Leroy, a withering man on the brink of retirement who was her lawyer, asking for them to convene outside.

"I'm sorry Mr. Leroy, but your strategies were just scrutinized and torn into pieces," Alex said in a low voice the moment they stepped out into the hallway.

"Alex, I am doing my best here. We clearly don't have the upper hand, lacking the incriminating evidence that we need," the man replied, exasperated.

"Have we dug up his previous records? I mean, why on earth would he have a sealed history? Doesn't that mean something?" she continued.

She continued to dictate her litany of better-positioned moves, but even Alex knew she wasn't getting through. So she excused herself from the conversation, hoping a cup of iced coffee will somehow mitigate her frustrations.

As soon as she came back, she found Mr. Leroy convening with a much younger man in a dark navy suit. His aura screamed "big city hotshot", albeit the exhausted look in his brown eyes. Not wanting to interrupt, she held off from approaching. However, her curiosity didn't stop her from eavesdropping.

What she heard the charismatic man say was a legal precedent that would have opened the sealed records in question. And with all the mind-boggling legal jargon, that's just about what she understood.

"Gabriel Ricci? I'm looking for an attorney named Gabriel Ricci?" a female voice from a nearby window called out, which made the young man raise his head. She saw him end the conversation abruptly, where a flustered Mr. Leroy hastily thanked him. Alex took that as her queue to approach her lawyer.

"Alex, we might be able to turn things around," she heard Leroy say.

And by some miracle, things did turn around. With her lawyer using the precedent offered by the young attorney earlier, their side gained the needed momentum to tip the scales in their favor. By the end of the trial, the verdict was out - Cornell will never be able to drive another vehicle, along with paying her a hefty amount of damages and fees.

They won.

Alex had to pinch herself before the victory sunk in. When it did, she felt an immense burden lifted from her shoulders.

After a long, long time, Alex can finally breathe.

Broken free from her nightmares, she asked herself what's next? The answer came to her almost immediately. Right there and then, she decided what she wanted to be. Like that man from the courthouse, she will become a lawyer.

Fueled by this new sense of mission, she saw a future for herself. No longer held by the past, she finally was able to move forward.

Indeed, Alex became what she set out to do - a lawyer who took on hopeless, even impossible cases and won them. A lawyer her parents would be proud of.

A damn good lawyer, just like Gabriel Ricci.

**

Present Day, at a New York Penthouse

Gabe sat in his home office clad in nothing but his white bath robe, holding a worn manila folder.

Five years ago, Gabe saw this case as his opportunity to make Robbie proud. The defendant had all the parallels with his brother - a teenager, incarcerated young, where the punishment had presumed to be too harsh. He now knew it was rightfully just.

But at that time, he was blinded by passion and ambition. He wanted to prove to himself and to Sadie what he can do. Taking on this case that was practically unwinnable would give him more power, more control over the pro bono cases he wanted to take. Actually winning this though, that proved to be his fatal mistake.

Your cockiness got the better of you again, Ricci.

His mind went to Alex. That was the direction his every waking moment drifted to nowadays. Whether he liked it or not, he'd answer some other day.

He had to let her know. If he didn't, Alex would eventually find out herself. Once she discovers that he was the one who had set this man free, she would hate him.

Gabe can't bring himself to think of that happening, of losing that chance with her, or of losing Alex's trust.

Hell, I'm going to lose her entirely if she finds out.

These realizations devastated him.

But how can they both escape the looming shadows of the past unscathed? Even he couldn't figure that out.

Sighing, he rubbed his hand on his face, reeling at his lack of options. He then stood up, slamming the open folder on his desk as he turned to face the window, simmering in his own regrets. Papers slipped out to the carpeted floor, including a full-page mugshot of the defendant.

It was Maximilian Cornell.

Author's Notes: With Sadie being shady AF, I feel like we all need some dose of female friendship right? Also, this is my HC why Gabe constantly pulls away from MC, not only because of their working relationship. Did the reveal live up to the cliffhanger? Let me know in the comments! 👇👇👇

Tag list: @adiehardfan @pixelnutrookie @starryjieun @latinagiraffe @sarcastic01lily   @spookycolorpeanut @ophrookie @suitfer @thegreentwin @mkatschoicesblog @made-of-roses

@choicesficwriterscreations

Thank you for your continued reading!

Want to be added or removed to the tag list? No problem - just let me know 😊. Reblogs are also much appreciated! 💕

#laws of attraction #choices laws of attraction #choices loa #laws of attraction fanfiction #choices laws of attraction fanfiction #choices fic writers creations #fics of the week #gabe ricci x mc #gabe ricci #aislinn tanaka #gigi sinclair

[enchantedblackrose]

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

**Not my picture. Google Images.**

This Thing Between Us

Pairing: Jay Halstead/Reader

Warnings: 1 F bomb near the end

Apologies, this has not yet been proofread by someone else. I was just too anxious to get it posted.

There's a knock on your apartment door which causes you to groan. You struggle to find the will to get off the couch and leave the warmth of your favorite sherpa blanket. In fact you contemplate not answering the door. You check your phone to make sure no one sent you a text about coming over.

0 new notifications 

Then there's another knock with a little more force behind it this time. Sighing, your curiosity is getting the better of you. You pause your favorite Christmas movie before standing up. 

'Ugh, Christmas,' you think to yourself. It is a large contributor to your current funk. But it's not your fault you find the holiday incredibly romantic. You can blame Hollywood and American commercialism for that. A constant string of movies, songs, and commercials are crammed down your throat before Halloween every year. Most depict having someone special, someone to cuddle, to sip hot chocolate with, to take you ice skating, or decorate the tree and bake cookies, someone to love and loves you back. You're painfully single and apparently sadistic, self sabotaging yourself with that movie.

You open the door and are met with those familiar piercing eyes belonging to your partner. The other leading cause of your pathetic state.. You met at work, both being a part of the elite intelligence unit for the Chicago Police Department. You're fiercely dedicated to the job, as is he, but that didn't stop either of you from hooking up. You've been sleeping together for a few months. You thought you could handle it all. The friendship, the casual hook ups, working closely together, the undeniable chemistry you two shared, but somewhere along the way you found yourself falling in love. 

Scared of falling alone, of ruining everything, you've kept your feelings a secret. Instead you have, rather unsuccessfully, attempted to limit the hook ups, vowing to make a clean break.

Eventually.

You truly don't even know how you get yourself into these positions, but then you see him smiling at you as he leans on your doorframe and the how becomes a lot clearer. 

"I have a candy cane for you."

"Ugh, Jay," you groan. "I'm really not in the mood. You should have called. I-"

"No, I have an actual candy cane for you." He pulled the curved peppermint stick out of his coat pocket offering it to you.

"Oh. Uh...thanks." You take the candy cane, slightly confused.

"I'm on the way to meet a CI about the case.I thought maybe you'd wanna come along?"

"Yeah, sure. Let me get changed real fast." You indicate for him to come inside. He steps through the doorway, accidentally brushing against you. You catch a whiff of his familiar scent and you find yourself thinking about pulling him to you. But you remember he's here for work. 

Having been at your place quite a few times, he knowingly heads for your couch.You make your way to your bedroom. You're halfway undressed when you hear Jay laugh. You peek your head out to see what sparked the laughter. He sees you and points to your Christmas tree.

It's about 2 feet, strung with multicolored lights, topped with a star that's too big. It's pathetic and the whole thing looks like it could topple over at any given moment.

"What is that?" He exclaims, still laughing.

You huff and cross your arms. "Stop it. I haven't exactly had the chance to go out and buy a new tree." It's true. The case has you logging more hours than normal and your current mental state wasn't exactly inspiring your Christmas spirit, either. As you finish getting out of your sweats and putting on "real" clothes, you hear Jay still chuckling softly. As much as you want to be annoyed by him, the sound makes you smile slightly.

~☆~☆~☆~☆

Jay's informant has information that proves to be useful. You put in a call to the other members of the team. Soon enough there's a successful bust and several collars. Voight commends the team for a good job, then dismisses you all, rather quickly saying something about enjoying the start of the holiday when given the chance.

Jay takes you back to your place. You hesitate before getting out of his truck, struggling with your own conflicting wants.

"Do you wanna hang out for a bit?" You ask, losing your willpower.

He smiles and kisses your cheek almost brusquely. "I have some things to take care of."

You nod showing you understand, but hope the small smile you give is enough to hide your disappointment you can't help but feel. You slide out of his truck and give a careless wave bye. 

'It's fine,' you tell yourself repeatedly as you make your way up to your apartment. 'This is good even'. Obviously you were failing at breaking things off. This could be your chance. You start getting ready for the long, hot shower your body desperately needs.

~☆~☆~☆~☆

Feeling better than you have in awhile, you settle into your couch beginning your search for something to watch. A knock on your door interrupts. Unbelievable.

You open it to once again find Jay standing there, this time donning a red santa hat and holding an oversized box.

"What are you doi-"

He cuts you off. "Do you mind?" You step aside and he comes in placing the box down in the middle of your living room. For the first time you can see clearly what it is he's brought you.

You feel a wide grin take over your face. "You bought me a tree?" He notices your bright smile and beams back at you.

"I bought you a tree. And some decorations. They're in the boxes still in the hallway. I didn't know what you had." You rush to bring them in. Jay begins removing pieces of the tree from the box as you look through the ornaments and lights he's brought. You inspect each one thoroughly and with a smile. Occasionally Jay stops assembling the tree to look at you. When you feel his eyes on you, you turn to him.

"What?" But he just shakes his head and returns his focus to the tree. "You know," you start carefully, not wanting to appear ungrateful, "I do have a few ornaments from when I was a kid downstairs in the storage unit."

"Well, go get them," he grins."I'm good here."

You return a few minutes later. Jay turned on Christmas music while you were gone, as well as finished getting the tree up. The artificial evergreen stands at 6 ½ feet. With it's big, full branches it's easily the nicest tree you've had as an adult. 

Before he starts to string the lights up, he follows you to the couch where you sit with your small container of ornaments. You lift the lid carefully and begin showing them to him. There's an ornament with your name and date of birth on it. One has your kindergarten picture in it. You save your favorite for last and explain the sentimental value behind it. Jay listens intently as you speak and you swear you love him more for it. 

Together you both start decorating the tree, stopping only to make hot chocolate. Soon the tree is fully decorated and there's nothing more to do than admire it. You both sit on your couch taking it all in.

You curl into Jay and almost automatically he wraps his arm around you. "Thank you," you say softly. "For all of this." He pulls you tighter in response and begins combing his fingers through your hair, but the sweet action stirs something in you.

Sighing, you sit up. Jay looks up at you in alarm. "Hey. What's been going on with you? Hmm?" He nudges you playfully, but when you don't speak, he looks dejected and runs a hand quickly through his hair. He says your name softly. "C'mon. You know you can talk to me about anything and it's not like I haven't noticed you pulling away lately."

You look at him and swallow hard, unsure of what to say. "This isn't enough for me, Jay. I'm sorry. I thought it would be, but it's not."

"What's not enough? The tree? I thought you liked it?"

"No, not the tree! The tree's perfect. I love the fucking tree, okay?" Tears are starting to form as your emotions get the best of you.

"Then what? I'm gonna need a little more information. I'm sorry."

"I don't wanna be the coworker you screw around with. I wanna mean something to you, Jay! Not in the we're partners way, either."

"Aw, baby girl." Your heart aches at the endearment he's only ever used in your most intimate moments together. "Come here." He pulls you tight to him and as much as you don't want to, you welcome his strong embrace. He's quiet for a moment as he holds onto you and you're begging the tears not to fall. "I'm gonna need you to look at me." He gently pulls away and cups your face. He stares deep into your eyes. "This thing between us, it's for real; it's never just been casual for me and I am so sorry I didn't tell you that before now. I'm so in love with you."

There's no stopping the tear rolling down your cheek. Jay wipes it away with his thumb. "You mean that?" You ask, your voice hardly above a whisper. He nods. You smile. "I love you, too." The words are hardly out of your mouth before his lips are on yours. He pulls away after a moment, gently resting his forehead against yours.

Your eye catches the clock on the wall. 12:01 in the morning. It's officially Christmas Eve and the man you love, loves you. An almost inaudible laugh escapes you.

"What?" Jay asks, clearly puzzled.

"Nothing. I'm just happy."

#jay halstead x reader #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x you #jay halstead #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd