#it was such A fixable mistake! easily fixed within twenty minutes! why am i so mad at myself!

[starlightswait]

me knowing i don’t get consistent enough work from [redacted] to feel so bad/absolutely spiral when i make mistakes vs. me absolutely feeling that way anyway.

like. i’m not even employed by them! the money i make from this, while i appreciate, is a) not consistent and b) not enough to like, Live In A society on its own. so i KNOW i shouldn’t be so pressed about this but. hhhhh

#it was such A fixable mistake! easily fixed within twenty minutes! why am i so mad at myself! #a lot of this comes down to that whole needing people to like me thing lol #and i know i’m making it up in my head - they were perfectly nice about it #it’s just tone is so hard to read over email and i am So Anxious #and this happened like: a day after i asked them to assign the two manuscripts they tried to send me at once #to someone else #because i was just Too Busy and that’s honestly true #but i still feel guilty even though #they were ALSO super nice amd accomodating about that #but with these two things compounded i’n just now concinced they’re going to stop sending me manuscripts #altogether #and it’s like! the immediate response to that is panic inducing #but it would be fine ultimately. would just suck to have accidentally burned a bridge #like. this company has been very nice to me #but i am probably not going to work with them forever regardless — whether it’s because i get into grad school #or find more consistently paying employment #this is not like a Forever thing #so if the worst thing that happens is that they stop sending me manuscripts: that is okay #it’s just! hard to remember that