#it isnt any weirder than the turtle pope or radahns comically small horse

[majorasnightmare]

i got 2 (two) likes from beloved mutuals so that counts as encouragement i think ANYWAYS

everyone loves elden ring waifus and besides ranni i think the biggest victim of waifuization is melina, which i mean makes its own kind of sense because shes your guiding maiden etc etc but where i draw the line is sexy fanart because genuinely, GENUINELY

i dont think melina knows what sex is

this got long so apologies for no readmore im on mobile

like she knows children are born. she knows children come from mothers, and that her own manner of existence (burned, bodyless) is unusual

but i also think that an int build tarnished could convince her of Stork Theory with a solid enough argument

like. lets be honest here. melina is WEIRD okay. shes weird and thats part of her charm. she speaks weirdly formally like all the time despite also clearly considering your tarnished a close friend, but that can be chalked up to how melina rly is one of those "married to their job" type people. like her offscreen arc is coming to terms with her own predetermined purpose and finding her own meaning in that (by recontextualizing it outside its intended purpose) but thats really like ALL she thinks about, is her job. she guides you, she provides you with wisdom thru the words of marika, and then she goes to the erdtree and to the giants forge! and anytime anything OUTSIDE that happens, she gets genuinely confused

when boc sits by the grace crying about his mom, melina literally pulls you aside and asks if thats normal. she couches nearly everything she talks about in Grandiose Metaphor INCLUDING aforementioned child talk! (her plea by the three fingers grace, and her talk about boc crying ala "is it normal for people born of a mother to be. Like That. tarnished?")

she isnt NORMAL shes some vessel of Divine Duty struggling with personhood and Ideological Opinions and the mundanities of life confuse the fuck out of her because shes so used to thinking about The Grand Design that she genuinely doesnt have any fuckin idea what "normalcy" is

in the cut content for the mimic tear questline, when you LITERALLY have a goo parasite living INSIDE YOUR BODY, melina responds to the foreign presence by ONCE AGAIN pulling you aside and asking you if thats NORMAL. "did you... want that, to happen???" she asks, as if people choose to host shapeshifting blasphemy oozes the same way i choose to be brand loyal to skullcandy headphones with built in mic. people crying because they miss their dead mom and ur sworn partner in crime rolling up with a blood parasite yoinked from a forsaken city register the same level of confusion from her.

stop posting sexy melina art, she isnt dtf she does NOT know HOW children happen, only that they DO (and its a good thing! people having families is good, probably, she thinks).

less horny melina, more melina being a fucking weirdo. melina doesnt pose in lingerie, she sits in ur apartment and rummages thru ur pantry before cautiously mixing four loko and vanilla extract into cup noodles and asking you to try it when you get home to carefully note the results and wax poetic about the ability to eat. if you run a faith build or just carry Flames Cleanse Me, theres a solid case of evidence that she might not realize Poison Kills People. she operates on spectrum extremes and not even in the normal range. melina sees you cut urself chopping onions and goes to cast a max power erdtree heal because your bleeding, but then when you say its fine assumes that blood just comes out of people sometimes and thinks you can tank a waterfowl dance without worry

further evidence: her only known source of companionship before meeting your tarnished is the fucking horse. she talked to the horse, regularly, and values the horses opinions on important moral dilemmas, and also refers to the horses opinion on deciding who to hitch her chain to on the matter of Deciding The Fate Of The World. like, same, but you cant make the argument that thats comprehensive socialization

#elden ring #elden ring melina #melina #posting this in the main tags to force people to look at it. #im right btw im not taking criticism on this you CAN convince melina babies are delivered via stork #it isnt any weirder than the turtle pope or radahns comically small horse #also. melina 🤝 radahn about deciding the entire course of ur life based on ur attachment to Horsie #dont leave her alone with ur blender melina is just gonna throw all the leftovers from ur fridge in there and make u drink it