#it is so HARD to resist being unkind and selfish and self-serving and withdrawn and cold nowadays

[thebirdandhersong]

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#at the point where i am mostly like. what is the point. WHAT IS THE POINT!!! #i'm doing terrible at my job and can hardly keep up with schoolwork #and all i want to do in the future (concretely know that i want to do) is write but WOW my writing needs so much work if i ever want to pu #publish #and the world is so large. so large and full of things to do and people and places and just so LARGE #and i am so small and silly and for twenty one rather slow and confused #i can hardly handle my own life. i can hardly even manage to do morning prayer every morning or stick to writing regularly #or even control things in my life like food and exercise which is like. basic self maintenance #i don't know what's going on half the time! i don't know! i don't know why i try so hard half the time either! #it is so SO hard to remain joyful and optimistic and hopeful and i am TRYING hard at it i really am #it is just so much of a struggle all the time and i don't know WHY i'm suddenly unable to function properly like a human being #it is so HARD to resist being unkind and selfish and self-serving and withdrawn and cold nowadays #i just want everything to be put on pause for a little while and that's basically impossible #sorry this is another rant i just have no idea what to do #and i am at the end of my tether once again. seriously this is the closest to rock bottom i've gotten since lockdown #if i were a drinking person. but i am not and thankfully have enough aversions to drink and other substances that i am firmly Not going #to go to extremes. but suffice it to say. multiple mental breakdowns this month multiple 3-5hour nights #many many days in a row of just. having zero energy zero motivation zero ability to do the things #i have a very high sense of Shame and Guilt and also Following Rules and so i wouldn't say i've lost the will to live #because even at the Worst of the worst times things like self harm and suicide have never been an option in my mind #but i am as close to it as i can be i guess. i am just SO tired and very scared #like. God help me. what is my worth if i can't write good stories? what is my worth if i can't be loving and kind and gentle 100% of the ti #time? what is my worth if i can't put 200% into everything and do ALL the things for everyone? what is my worth if i'm not doing My Best? #why can't i just be Normal and Well Adjusted and have SOME of the things figured out for once?? #i can't even EAT PROPERLY how can i enter the workforce or raise a family?