#im awful at any other hobby i tru | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lilacponds · 7 years

Text

depressing shit ahead dont mind dont mind

so like!! i hate feelings!!!

ive always said i love having romantic feelings because!! they make me feel so good!! happy and alive!! and thats tru!! but

theres always two faces of a coin

anytime i start having romantic feelings towards someone, my brain does its best to remind me all that i am. and all that im not. and how fucking stupid it is for me to hope.

im not attractive. im not cute. any selfie that gets likes is because i only post the best results in the best angles, with filters and without showing the rest of me. seeing me irl i aint that cute. god im sorry for the ppl that have to look at me regularly irl. theres a reason if ive never gotten an irl compliment. i... when... when i got called cute two or so weeks ago, that... was the first time. and i feel awful not being able to trust that fully, and im still blaming mark for that, but it was still the first time in 20 years. twenty.

im not good at anything, ive never been. so when im doing small good steps at something, like baking, im a. constantly anxious its actually awful and b. any failure because i attempted something over my current skill throws me down and makes me hate myself

im slow at understanding things, im not smart, im not bright. im so tired of friends telling me im smart!! i know failing school has nothing to do w being smart, i know because i was the best at english in my classes and i was in the top students at math and i struggled with other stuff and studying and school and failed because of undiagnosed and untreated depression. it didnt really have much to do with intelligence itself. school is just a test of your memory 95% of the time anyway. im just not smart. i dont get things. i dont knos things. im not smart. im just not. stop saying i am. its the most obvious lie and it hurts me when you say i am. because i know its a lie. and i dont want lies to make me feel better. i know youre trying to help but it doesnt work. lies dont help. im sorry

i dont have hobbies or stuff im interested in. its not writing, because i never fucking do it. its not drawing, because i never fucking do it. its not reading, because i never fucking do it. its not playing videogames, because i never fucking do it. its not watching movies or tv shows, listening to podcasts, learning stuff, its nothing. its nothing. my days are just so fucking empty and i am so fucking empty. i just... want to not be empty

i dont have goals, dreams, plans. i always say that if i had a dream id fight for it. and its true! the problem is that i dont have one. what do i wanna do with my life? who knows? certainly not me

im not interesting. im absolutely boring. i cant keep up conversations well, im super awkward, sometimes i dont understand what a person is saying even when they repeat themself and i just hope that a universally understood sound ("hmm") is appropriate enough in a tone that can be ambiguous enough to count as an answer. i hate that! i hate that so much! ive probably just been told something important and i havent understood it when they repeates themself twice! so i just pretended i did! i feel awful!

i dont have good qualities, im not brave and im not strong and im not as kind as people think i am. if i see negative stuff and i dont have to get involved, i dont, because im scared and because i tend to crack with the tiniest negative stuff so i avoid. i say id fight for my friends but then put on the spot i freeze and im anxious and awkward and i end up not doing anything like what sorta friend am i!!!

i could go on forever and ever. i hate having romantic feelings for someone because they are so amazing and theyre gonna do great things with their life, and im just... here, ugly and stupid and useless and insignificant. and i dont deserve even half a second of their time.

why cant i just die instead

#stfu Val

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