#im also in a mood bc of my lack of sleep i bet | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz · 3 years

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Now back to the other situation. I have had time to think. I was wrong for sure for not properly expressing my feelings. I actually spoke with my new little friend about it and he gave me some insight and advice. A lot could have went better. For both of us. I definitely need to work on that still. I’ve been doing pretty good lately just not this time, again :/.

I think I’m just scared? Is that the word? Like I’m scared to speak up bc it’ll create a problem or drama. Like he’ll think I’m catching feelings if I speak up or I’m scared he’ll avoid the convo cause he thinks i can’t be an adult. I’m also aware i may be projecting but he wanted avoid the conversation so that didn’t help either. That’s what triggered me a little. I wanted to leave it alone but I couldn’t. And when i expressed that, I didn’t get the response I wanted back. I’m trying to be understanding and say I did say “bye” which triggered him. But what about what triggered me? Why couldn’t the response have been let’s talk about it later when we aren’t riled up? Why couldn’t it have been different, better? A lot of why’s and what if’s. I don’t blame him either. And this is where working on my communication in a polite way comes in. I didn’t give myself the opportunity too and I’m disappointed in myself since I’ve made a lot of progress. Neither did he.

I just wish he understood where i was coming from. it’s not about having expectations it was the lack of communication. We had plans that day. We created a newer bond and spoke everyday for a while and then it went cold turkey. Am i not supposed to feel a way? And he says he forgot the plans but he never forgets and has been thinking abt stocks and looking at stocks all day. I just wish he communicated that. Create the boundary, go ahead, but acknowledge my feelings about it too bro. We’re friends now I understand that. I’ve accepted it. I just thought we were best friends living our best lives.

Can i be honest i also felt it? When he fell asleep i knew it wouldn’t be the same once he woke up. I felt the shift. I can’t explain it. I just lowkey knew he wouldn’t hmu after asking to stay on the ohone while he slept. When I asked that he asked why? I told him bc he stood w me last time for a little, and it was just for a little bot to sleep with him. His response? “That was an accident” An accident my guy? He WANTED to stay. He initiated it. And as i was falling asleep o heard “you falling asleep cutie”, i quickly ignored that. And he restarted the hand thing and kiss. The first time we spoke on the phone again. I was just trying to leave so I just went along with everything. But again part of me knew it’d end up like this again. So I enjoyed the experience. And I’m grateful for the days I got to speak with him in happy moods. To experience bestie him for a little.i hope it was the same for him.

I have a lowkey ptsd from this time last year. I feel like history repeaTed it’s self. i feel defeated as well. I didn’t communicate properly and it ended up with me feeling, not as badly as last year but a similar feeling. And i want nothing to do with that. I deserve to be happy this year.

I don’t know. Again it’s not me catching feelings. I know that. I like the comfortability and convos as a close friend. I can understand being busy but going cold turkey like that w no communication sucked. And of course me not communicating that properly made it suck more. And i can accept responsibilities in that.

More recently, we haven’t talked much about the situation. Or since then. And we probably never will. I mean we “talked” and established boundaries like not talking everyday. I asked if we were good just to see if he was so I wouldn’t drag. Cause there’s still a lot for me. But i don’t want my energy falling on deaf ears with anyone anymore. I’m personally not satisfied and I will have to accept life for what it is. Mostly bc i feel ignored but i could just be projecting. Im not upset about the situation just feel defeated history repeated itself. Another small situation happened... so when I was fighting w my cousin I didn’t a really have anyone else I wanted to call but him. My family doesn’t like that family and would definitely pull up and fight too and i don’t want that. I could’ve hit up my two other friends but they’re older women w kids and it was late on a weekday and they work. So my next bet was my friend but I forgot he was working. I texted him i got into an argument w her and got no text back. I texted right after he texted too. I get it. He’s at work. I gave it a few minutes before I came back to my senses and took care of myself and texted him sorry for involving him. I got no response till the next day in the afternoon. Which is fine. I can understand people have lives but dang man it hurt. Don’t call me a bestie or friend if ya can’t be that. One thing abt me Im there for my friends. Even when I can’t mentally handle it. That’s why I say I’m too nice. And I know my place now.

I’ve decided to keep my distance for good. I don’t want to be close anymore. We can be friends from afar and hit each other up on important dates or if needed. It’s never any beef. I’ll always be there. Just don’t want any drama. This situation really takes me back to this time last year. And it ended the same exact way. Lesson learned. Distance and boundaries creates. The old and best memories will never be forgotten. But it’s time we lay us to rest. Rip

I feel like reading this back to myself again, sounds like I’m super sensitive and making things a big deal. But my peace and mental health come first now. Not anyone else. If I feel uncomfortable somewhere I’m removing myself. And I’ve been doing so good with that. That’s also how you lose people though and it sucks. Not everyone can be understanding, not even a little. Those are other stories for another day though.

I’m asking God to take the situation in his hands and to bring us back to whatever situation we end up in when we’re both ready. Until then I’m staying away from anything that doesn’t make me question myself or them.

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