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#if you're actually my friend u shouldnt be encouraging that behaviour. even if it makes u feel good like cmon thats not so cool man
toastsnaffler
·
1 year
Text
man. getting a little sick of being everyones 15th option for everything. when is it my turn to be someone's first choice :^[
#or even second tbh I'll take it
#i had a couple old friends from college msg me recently to tell me what theyve been up to
#which is sweet and i care abt them n wanna hear it! but they dont ask after me or show any interest in how I'm doing
#and it makes me feel like I'm just their journal or smth. a brick wall they happen to be standing near
#don't get me wrong I love to be useful. but when ppl only ever interact w u bc they need smth from u. well.
#rly not doing anything good for this complex im developing where my self worth is directly tied to my usefulness to other ppl lmfao
#i dont want to be ppls fucking dog!! or not any more than i already am but whatever thats all im good for i guess!!
#and i desperately want someone to be my fave person rn bc all my energy is going nowhere + im at my best when im at my most devoted
#so ppl treating me like this rn is just making me incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
#like yeah i am eager to please and ill follow anyone around and do whatever for a crumb of attention but maybe
#if you're actually my friend u shouldnt be encouraging that behaviour. even if it makes u feel good like cmon thats not so cool man
#or if you ARE going to encourage it then maybe u should acknowledge the power dynamic ur creating + try not to abuse it. idk 🤷♂️
#urgh idk maybe im just saying words rn im very tired
#I just feel like all the friendships etc I have atm are slipping into that dangerously unbalanced zone + becoming v one way
#and I don't know what I'm doing wrong I'm trying the best I can and I guess its just not enough for anyone and that really really sucks
#I'm doing better mentally rn but I dont currently have a support system + there are a lot of destabilising forces in my life
#so im just. worried abt the direction things could take if I lose this foothold I've dragged myself onto yknow.
#and I wouldnt have to be so worried abt that all of the time if I just had someone literally anyone I could rely on or even trust
#but oh well. it is what it is. doing all I can to take care of myself so hopefully it won't come to that anyway.
#sorry for rambling on so much if u read this far I'm giving u a kiss on the cheek don't worry abt me honey I've got this
#anywayy goodnight
#.vent
#.diaries
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