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chocolate-brownies · 5 years

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A friend once told me about repeated fights he had with his wife early on in their marriage. Much of their conflict centered on how to have dinner. He liked to eat hurriedly, standing up in the kitchen, getting it over with as quickly as possible. She liked to set the table elegantly, sit down, and eat leisurely, together. Many nights they fought instead of eating. Finally, they sought the help of a marriage counselor.

As they examined the layers of meaning hidden in the simple and familiar word “dinner,” they each discovered how many associations, and how many people, they were actually bringing to that table. He talked about his father, a brutal man who was often only at home at dinnertime, which became a nightmarish experience to be escaped from as quickly as possible. She spoke of her fractured family and her mentally ill brother who consumed her mother with worry. It was mainly at dinner that her family made an effort to talk to her, to find out about her day—where she felt she indeed belonged to a family.

For each of them dinner was rarely just dinner, and their partner was often not the person standing in front of them, but an “other” made of an amalgam of past hurts and long-held dreams and tentative new yearnings.

Loving People As They Are

Can we ever actually see another person? If we create an “other” out of our projections and associations and ready interpretations, we have made an object of a person; we have taken away their humanity. We have stripped from our consciousness their own sensitivity to pain, their likely wish to feel at home in their bodies and minds, their complexity and intricacy and mutability.

If we have lost any recognition of the truth of change in someone, and have fixed them in our minds as “good” or “bad” or “indifferent,” we’ve lost touch with the living essence of that person. We are dwelling in a world of stylized prototypes and distant caricatures, reified images, and, often, very great loneliness.

Meditation practice is like a skills-training in stepping back, in getting a broader perspective and a deeper understanding of what’s happening.

Meditation practice is like a skills-training in stepping back, in getting a broader perspective and a deeper understanding of what’s happening. Mindfulness, one of the tools at the core of meditation, helps us not be lost in habitual biases that distort how we interpret our feelings. Without mindfulness, our perception is easily shaped by barely conscious thoughts, such as, “I’m shaking and my stomach is roiling with what seems to be fear, but I can never allow myself to admit that. I’ll pretend it never came up.” If we do that, it is a great struggle to be kind. There is no ready access to kindness without awareness.

Mindfulness also helps us to see through our prejudices about another person. For example, a person might think, “All older women are fuzzy thinkers, so she can’t possibly be as sharp as she is pretending to be.” Mindfulness helps us to see by showing us that a conclusion such as that one is simply a thought in our own mind. Mindfulness enables us to cultivate a different quality of attention, one where we relate to what we see before us not just as an echo of the past or a foreshadowing of the future, but more as it is right now. Here too we find the power of kindness, because we can connect to things as they are.

Mindfulness enables us to cultivate a different quality of attention, one where we relate to what we see before us not just as an echo of the past or a foreshadowing of the future, but more as it is right now.

Making the effort to truly see someone doesn’t mean we never respond or react. We can and do attempt to restore a failing marriage, or protest at loud cell phones in public places, or try with everything in us to rectify injustice. But we can do it from a place that allows people to be as textured as they are, that admits our feelings to be as varied and flowing as they are, that is open to surprises—a place that listens, that lets the world come alive.

One essential step in learning to see each other more genuinely is to bother to look. If someone yells at us, or annoys us, or dazzles us with a gift, we do pay attention to them. Our challenge then is to see them as they are, not as we project or assume them to be. But if they don’t make much of an impression on us, we have a different challenge: it is all too easy to look right through them.

Offering Loving-Kindness to People We Don’t Know

In particular, the meditation exercise of offering loving-kindness to a neutral person confronts our tendency to look through people we do not know. We choose a person whom we don’t strongly like or dislike; we feel, indeed, rather neutral or indifferent toward them. Very often it helps to select a near-stranger, or someone who plays a certain role or function in our lives—the checkout person in the grocery store, for example, or the UPS delivery person. We may not know much about them, not even their name.

When we send a neutral person loving-kindness, we are consciously changing a pattern of overlooking them, or talking around them, to one of paying attention to them. The experiment in attention we are making through these benevolent wishes asks of us whether we can practice loving “thy neighbor as thyself” when we don’t know the facts about someone’s dependent, elderly parent, or at-risk teenager, and so our heartstrings have not been tugged.

When we think of our neutral person, we haven’t learned the story of their suspicious mole or empty evenings. We have no knowledge of their inspiring triumphs or their admirable philanthropy, and so we are not in awe of them. We aren’t seeing their tension after a disappointing job interview, or their sadness after their lover leaves. We practice wishing them well anyway, not knowing any of this, but simply because they exist, and because we do know the beauty, the sorrow, the poignancy, and the sheer, unalterable insecurity of existence that we all share.

On trains and on the streets, in our homes and in our communities, we practice paying attention—through developing mindfulness, through developing loving-kindness, through letting go of projections—because a more complete attention proffers many special gifts. These gifts can penetrate through the exigencies of social roles and even through terrible hurt. They can remove the seeming hollowness of chance encounters.

Through paying attention we learn that even when we don’t especially know or like someone, we are nonetheless in relationship with them.

Paying attention in this way provides the gift of noticing, the gift of connecting. We find the gift of seeing a little bit of ourselves in others, of realizing that we’re not so awfully alone. We can let go of the burden of so much of what we habitually carry with us and receive the gift of the present moment.

Through paying attention we learn that even when we don’t especially know or like someone, we are nonetheless in relationship with them. We come to realize that this relatedness is in itself like a vibrant, changing, living entity. We discover the gift of caring, of tending to this force of life that exists between us, and we are immeasurably enriched by that.

From The Kindness Handbook: A Practical Companion, by Sharon Salzberg.

Guided Meditation

Be Kind to Yourself—Right Now

To be kind to others, you need to start with yourself. Read More

Sharon Salzberg

October 5, 2015

Meditation

This Loving-Kindness Meditation is a Radical Act of Love

Jon Kabat-Zinn leads us in a heartscape meditation for deep healing of ourselves and others. Read More

Jon Kabat-Zinn

November 8, 2018

Voices

Why Loving-Kindness Takes Time: Sharon Salzberg

It’s only after we’ve practiced many times that we’ll begin to notice a habit developing—namely, letting ourselves off the hook once in awhile. Read More

Sharon Salzberg

January 19, 2018

The post Loving People As They Are appeared first on Mindful.

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

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chaoscrystals · 7 years

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Every note in my phone 8

I'm trying to clear him the memory of me Maybe tainted I've had that phrase in my head a few seconds too long to not have felt something, and I definitely felt our hearts connect on that street corner while you whispered in the village to me but that was in an alternate timeline, if I hadn't been so closed off and guarded I would have given you all my time to whisper to me...I wanted to hear. Deserving complex. Not in the mood. Gotta tend to the injured Tendency tending trend pending Just a little velvet stack with stone to ward off my regret Coming through my front door waiting for me since before I got home, won't hurt me just be nice and don't be scary even if that really is who she wants to be she will leave.. Ill leave if you don't want me!!!! Hope you can hear me crying as I walk away. Trying to clear me the memory of him..I have a few attachments but I wouldn't say I fucked too many I fucked up i shouldnt have said anything. Who are you?? My right hip Is needing to see hibiscus tea and cold showers, hot sun in Mexico > CONTENT WARNING EATING DISORDERS Part of building on my eternal self and accepting that's am an eternal spiritual being with habitual headaches and a caffeine fixation subconscious limitations. I'm so...sore and i hate everything. I'm trying to come to terms with my eating disorder patterns its really hard for me. I dont accept what I eat it doesn't it isn't making me feel good. The next in thing is being fat. So that makes it okay. Its hard for me to accept this is a very real part of my personality, that at times is all consuming. Just freaking out about how much weight I'm waifnfb gaining how little I used to weigh. Sometimes I think I want to starve and not eat or even make myself vomit up what I do eat. I couldn't stop eating. I still can't stop eating. Just obsessions with my body proportions. I feel so alone. I want to keep myself the way I am and not loose weight for subconscious reasons. Should I lose weight? I would like to lose a little bit of weight.. I would like to feel good and energized...I eat and eat....and eat...I want it to be enough but it never is. I'm scared that if I get a boyfriend they are going to know about my eating issues because I am making them public. I'm so tired and alone. They will love me for overcoming my struggle. This is Ariel. First he will love me for it then he will leave me for an anorexic girl because she's thin and that's the part of him hes missing!!!!I am already afraid of this and we haven't even started a relationship as it would be. We fucked last weekend. This is why I get so anxious around people that I like romantically. Because I get obsessive and start planning our future together!!! Like immediately and there's just no stopping me. This is why I have so many failed relationships. Normal in this day and age but I still want to not be walking around with my head damn near cut off. Man I would love someone to cuddle with right now. You know who else I want to kiss? Natalie Its wrong to want fame its selfish and shallow. Its just wrong! I want to kiss Natalie Cause it looks more normal recurring themes and recurring dreams dream girl normal all people feel this way. All people feel this way. Everyone feels this way I still get the thoughts creeping in..counting calories and comparing the smoothness of my curves. I feel lumpy but when I look in the mirror I think I look pretty sexy..just a tiny bit lumpy. Thinking about the number I weigh. Thinking about skipping meals because that's the spiritual thing to do...and besides most food is contaminated anywho...I believe in miracles and god bless me for making it out alive when I weighed 85 pounds and almost had a heart attack sadness shortness of breath, I am not one to waste my life its just sometimes hard to pick myself up and go when I've been ignored by my parents who love me the most. And everyone seems it but still we all see it all the carefully selected bodies of models that are definitely sending out the vibe to you of "be cool be like me and you'll be happy". Something has to make it okay to be as you are, in any form. Or maybe you already feel that way but you just need someone to push you into the sweetwater still lake. Try hard to be cool die hard. Try hard to be well liked might as well. Isn't your vision more important? You care about all these important things. When you're eating its a thought, and a body, the food is being introduced into your being. Modern NYC seems to have a lot of people in their mental field so I'd ask everyone to feel into their body for just a little bit. That's the most important thing, and that's just a little love for your thoughts and your body. It feels. No i bet you never heard A blues like this from a lady no no I bet you never heard A blues like this from a lady have you? It may grow old and its still the same old story It will unfold No you don't know what its like, to pick your fights as a lady my friend No you don't know what its like, to pick your fights as a lady my friend Walk with me when you can see the reason for my blues Walking down the street see them men turn their heads to get a look at me Know rightfully I feel a scary its like they all want my pink thing They can't control they need another soul and its not me They all want my pussy If I was to switch the polarity it would look like this. My release was meant to be done in private. I am not going crazy. The nerve in my back is getting better. I have to focus on anything that's okay to focus on and that might not be much but ill take it I think the greatest poetry I will ever write will be because of my friends and loved ones. I can't stand the thought of walking this earth alone anymore. Its true that I feel like a lot of the magic I discovered on earth, I was able to find by isolating myself and separating myself from many of the illusions society maintains in doing so.. But now I know that I am susceptible to drowning in my own illusions and narcissistic thoughts, and I don't want to walk this earth alone anymore. I want a partner. I feel him in my chest Its hard to think of what it would be like if it collapsed and it was revealed that all I really wanted was a boost because I thought it would make me famous and adored. Like I always wanted. I would rupture and burst into tears if that was true. Because I feel him in my chest and I would rather have a lover I can trust than be famous or whatever it is I'm really craving when imagine myself performing, or being interviewed or anything. It all comes back around. My thoughts are vacant floating around. Sound humble humbling. Mumbling. I need to know the truth. I love you Why am I afraid of spending and making money? I'm more weird with making money. I hate feeling necessity for something I consider evil. I want money. I think it's wrong that I can have money because i manif I have to be constantly writing because that's what I do and I get paid by the universe motherrfuckersss I have to be constantly writing cause well.....what else would I do?? I have to cause there's messages in my soul and my body that are desperate to escape and see the light of day, know the night I can live in my thoughts, I can come out in the world. I have always believed that the universe and my soul were inseparable. I think I've always felt that way. Its definitely been a few years I can't even handle this thought rn. False sense of importance is an illusion. Should I tell people what. I'm seeing? Wait what?fuck yes you should. Constantly living in the thoughts of "if it were perfect it would be". I keep checking facebook cause that's more entertaining to me than writing but u also feel like I have a lot of thoughts to express ideas that need releasing. I'm obsessed with synchronicity to the point where I think about synchronicities happening in my head that never happen...and kind of get sad when they don't. I get sad cause...that's what I want but I gotta let it come to me. I can accept that life is messy and everybody shits and pisses. What makes life worth it is the people. .. I really feel like my consciousness is so great of a gift I am humbled and awed to have access to so many thoughts, some I like more than others. I want to gift this consciousness to anyone who would benefit from it. Its hard to not worry about what people think of me but...its all just thought and I am sovereign in my mind.. Haha I'm such a stoner. Whatever Boys I got all of them they want all of me I only give my heart to my tall blonde friend my tall blonde man my tall blonde man my tall blonde man doesn't make any money that doesn't see me Comparing is caring He's a man I knew another who offered me his heart in exchange for my pussy on stage saying lets start a revolution staying home and neighbor fearing we can't have it be ing I can't see his being there's no revolution It wasn't you it wasn't him it wasn't you it wasn't him And I stomped on his heart stomped on his heart But I'm still scared of what's he gonna say about me? Cause I stomped on his heart. And hes weak

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