#if I had hyper senses and had to be anywhere other than a sensory deprivation tank

[toad-games]

After being in sensory hell all day I’m just gonna say that M’s behavior is entirely justified

#if I had hyper senses and had to be anywhere other than a sensory deprivation tank #I would be way meaner than M is #actually I think they’re showing remarkable restraint #I am also kind of half asleep and one melatonin in #so keep that in mind #the wayhaven chronicles #twc m #the wayhaven chronicles m

[taintedtulip]

Long post, be warned:

We’ve been out of town recently to celebrate a wedding. A couple that is a part of our group are photographers, both professionally and for our friends wedding. We had a great time at the wedding and went to an interesting dining experience, which I’ll get to later.

We go, experience dinner, and leave the night weary. Upon arrival to my hotel, my friend contacted me and said the brides rental car was broken into. I was in shock for her. My friend explained to me that all of her and her fiancées gear was in the car. Someone had smashed the window in and stolen everything. Though I lack capability in empathizing, I’m genuinely making attempts to console her. Her whole career was in that car. Of course, she followed the avenues and tried to get her stuff back. It’s in the police departments hands now.

I don’t want to negate her experience, or really the trauma that comes with that. I want to express the anxiety that events brings with it. I felt hyper focused on this idea that there is no safety, anywhere. For my whole life, I’ve felt that if there was an issue with safety, I could adequately protect myself. Not because I’m strong, but because I’m smart. I’m over independent and can figure things out in a pinch. This experience, the helplessness (both for her and the induced feeling of) was a wave of panic setting in, which I think was heightened because of our previous dining experience.

Now, we are a group of coworkers. We are all in a sense married to work. The dinner was planned, but none of us normally would hang out in a group like this outside of work. We do it to celebrate the others. For our dining experience, we went to BlackOut Dining in the Dark. Essentially, you show up, sign a waiver, and put all of your items in a locker. Why? Because then you make a trust train into pitch black darkness. The waitstaff wears night vision goggles and leads your party to their table via trust train. The trust train itself is a touchy subject. You put your shoulders on the person in front of you and just follow blindly. It’s nerve wracking for me, someone high in trust and abandonment issues as I’ve recently realized. We find our seats and must trust our waitress to guide us through a plant-based 7 course meal.

We had a fun time. It was good conversation, nice laughs: we found ourselves genuinely enjoying each other. Being pitch black, you could see the night vision goggles, a fading green dot in and out of the distance. It felt loud. The sensory deprivation of sight forced us to focus on what we could do. I could find my silverware, drink from a cup. It was surprisingly easy for each of to navigate the table to get what we needed. Being on the end of the table, I felt disconnected from the community I had suddenly been forced to trust and rely on. It’s difficult to explain this feeling of total blindness. It’s darker than keeping your eyes closed, darker than a closet, darker than a stormy night sky. I felt disempowered.

Fast forward to arriving back at the hotel: we survived dinner. We had a great time at dinner. We enjoyed the wedding. I was ready to be home with my animals, to be in my comfort zone, but also found power in making it through the dinner experience. Not saying I can climb Mt. Everest, but I felt like I was capable of more than I knew. To be met with the inevitable insecurity of reality shattered what power I felt I had. It didn’t even happen to me. I have been so privileged to never be in those shoes. And I sit here, trying to own these feelings before a flight home. I sit here, next to her and her fiancée, knowing that how I feel cannot possible scratch the surface of what they’re going through.

This is my first step of using my practical mindset to breed an empathetic side. The emotional wave after being visually shut down plus the invasion of perceived personal security was incredibly overwhelming. You can make attempts to center yourself, but how much can I do in a place without a security net of any kind? I think I need to get out more.

#spiritualjourney #personal vent #stolen #travel