#idk why you deactivated but thank you for your service

[sweet-taiyaki]

His Sunflower 🌻

Disclaimer: Kirishima is my favorite BNHA character. Might add a part 2. Idk yet. 

Pairing: ProHero!Eijiro Kirishima x GN!Reader

Featuring: Katsuki Bakugo. Called him Ground Zero for his hero name.

Word Count: 2.7k

Synopsis: You were studying abroad for college in Japan as a chef exploring cuisines. You have seen the duo of Red Riot and Ground Zero on the news and they just happen to be your guests. Since then, Red Riot can’t stop thinking about you. 

Quirk: Life Vision. Can view anyone’s internal clock by their wrist. 

Warning(s): Possible trigger warning from a previous toxic relationship, otherwise comfort & fluff. 

part [1] 2 3

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I worked at a sushi bar in Japan. It was an exhausting shift. I bowed to my superior as my shift ended. I put on my jacket and walked my way home. Drunk people roamed the streets, so I decided to take a short cut through an alleyway to get home. I walked for a few minutes then a man in a red suit was thrown against the wall in front of me. “Oh my—are you okay,” I called out, coughing through the debris. He was grabbing his own shoulders it looked like. His face started to turn purple as he got further pushed in. His internal clock was nearing zero fast. He was dying and I didn’t know why. 

I felt around him, and it was a figure who was invisible. I punched as hard as I could to the figure and deactivated his invisibility. The man fell to the ground, unconscious. “Well well. Who are you,” the figure said. I learned jujitsu in high school for self-defense. I charged at him, breaking his ribs, before he got the chance to turn invisible. He fell to the ground and struggled to breathe. “Defending a pro-hero? Fine, you win this round. But I’ll be back. Stronger,” he said as he disappeared.

I turn back to the man. He was wearing a red, tool-like suit, red hair. I performed chest compressions so he could breathe again. After a minute, he caught his breath, grabbing my wrists. “You’re okay,” I comforted. His internal clock restored as I watched his time go up, dramatically. He coughed as he sat up. “I thought I had him. I’m so stupid to be that vulnerable,” he said beating himself up. He punched a hole in the brick wall and looked back over to me. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said as he walked away.

“Wait,” I said. He almost didn’t want to turn back, but he stopped in his tracks and looked back at me. “You will get him next time. I’ll be rooting for you,” I said. He smirked as he left in the opposite direction and flew off into the night sky.

I got to my apartment and laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Did I really save a pro-hero? Was he embarrassed? I felt awful. Of course, I wanted him to win. I couldn’t bear to see someone’s internal clock run down that quickly without me doing anything. It was a reflex.

...............................................................................................

The next day, I was scheduled another exhausting shift. However, I was privately scheduled for a party to create a unique sushi experience with some guests. It was a four-top, 2 men and 2 ladies. They take their seats as I prepare their courses. I greet the guests. One of the men looks familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I bow to them and my manager comes in to greet the guests. He seems excited to see them. “Thank you Ground Zero and Red Riot for your service. If there’s anything to make your experience more enjoyable, please let us know,” he said eagerly. Pro-heros. I’m serving pro-heroes. I remembered last night and immediately knew why I recognized that face. I saved Red Riot.

Red Riot pulled out the chair for his lady and so did Ground Zero. “Katsuki, this place looks amazing,” his date said. “All for you, baby girl,” he kissed her on the cheek. I kept my head low as I explained the process of the dinner and asked for their recommendations. Red Riot cocked his head to the side looking at me, but his date would pull his face into hers. I prepared the courses in front of them. Course 1 was a cold appetizer, course 2 was a hot appetizer. The ladies would tease their dates by cleaning off something on their face or random kisses at the table. I tried to not let it bother me. It wasn’t my business. Course 3 was a main course. I could tell that Ground Zero had his hand in his date’s skirt by her facial expressions. Red Riot was constantly showering his date with kisses. I let them enjoy their course, so I left the room.

I went to the bathroom to freshen up a little for the second half of my shift. When I left, I ran into Red Riot. “I’m sorry, chef. Please excuse me. Your food is so fresh and amazing,” he said. I thanked him. “Hey, I was wondering, do I know you from somewhere,” he continued. I simply shook my head ‘no’ and continued to walk back to the kitchen. I came back to the table for course 4, the palate cleanser and course 5 dessert. I got creative and made an interactive dessert for the ladies to enjoy. The ladies would feed their dates berries and lick chocolate off their fingers. It was just too much at this point. Get a room, already. The ladies excused themselves from the table as I was cleaning up my station. Ground Zero followed them, leaving Red Riot alone. He stared at me as I kept my head down. “Wait, it’s you. You were the one that saved me last night,” he said.

“No, sir,” I began, “You must have confused me for someone else.”

“Don’t deny that. I recognize your eyes. I should be thanking you for being there for me. Please tell me your name,” he said.

“I’m (Y/N). I felt bad that you felt vulnerable, so I didn’t want to take the credit for saving you since you’re the one supposed to be protecting me,” I said.

“Don’t you worry. I will beat him and protect you,” he said confidently.

“I know you will,” I reassured him. He smiled and I smiled back. The ladies and Ground Zero came back. Red Riot paid the bill. The men escort the ladies out. Red Riot looks back at me and smiles as he leaves.

I pull through the second half of my shift, but all I could think about was Red Riot. Was it his charm? Was he genuinely concerned for me? I mean, all pro-heroes are like that. Why would he give a civilian any attention when he has a lot to save? I clean up my station and bow to my superior.

Back in the alleyway, I found Red Riot, alone. “(Y/N),” he said as he ran over to me.

“Didn’t you have a date,” I asked.

“Yeah, but apparently she was more interested in Bakugo than me. Gotta love, modern dating, huh,” he laughed.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s alright. Would you want me to walk you home,” he asked willingly.

“S—sure,” I said, “So Red Riot—”

“I should probably introduce myself. I’m Eijiro Kirishima,” he laughed.

“Kirishima,” I continued, “Did you like the sushi?”

“Yes, thank you for an awesome experience, (Y/N),” he smiled. I take out my phone and browse through it. “Oh, sunflowers. Do you like them,” Kirishima looked at my lockscreen.

“Yeah, it’s the only flower that has a heart,” I said.

“Sunflowers have hearts?” he puzzled.

“Well not actually. When the sun is away, sunflowers turn to each other for light. I wish more people would be more open to give and receive light from others,” I smiled.

“I see,” Kirishima said. We arrive at the front entrance of my apartment. “Thanks again for everything,” he said. I smiled and thanked him for walking me home. I got in the elevator and he waved bye to me as it closed the doors.

…………………………………………………………………………

Sunday, the next day, I had the day off, so I decided to hit the gym in the morning. I worked on legs and arms with some cardio. When I was dripping in sweat, I stretched myself out on the mats. “(Y/N),” I heard a voice. It was Kirishima. He had a compression shirt to show off his muscles and loose shorts. “Hey,” I said.

“You’re an early bird too,” he laughed.

“I try to be sometimes,” I chuckled.

“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to have breakfast with me. I know this awesome place for omelets,” Kirishima said.

“Just me and you,” I asked.

“Yeah,” he laughed, “If that’s okay with you.”

“S—sure. That—that’d be great,” I stumbled.

“Awesome! I’ll shower up and meet you at the front,” he said. He walked away, fist bumped a guy, and looked back at me and winked. Was he flirting with me?

Both of us showered up and I met him at the entrance. “Would you mind if I drive? I can drop you off back here,” Kirishima said.

“Sure, I guess,” I said. I got into his car and his car was fairly clean compared to other cars that I know.

We arrive at the restaurant. It has a calm atmosphere with waterfalls and foliage. We order some food and some to share. “I hope you’re hungry. I tend to eat a lot after a workout,” he said, bashfully.

We get to know each other a little better knowing our hobbies, interests, and things we like. His laugh was so pure, and I enjoy spending time with him. We parted ways. “Hey, would you mind if I got your number,” he asked. I smiled and gave it to him. “Awesome, I’ll see you around,” he smiled.

After a while, I would look at the news and watch Red Riot defeat villains with Ground Zero. I would smile at the television. I haven’t seen him since the breakfast, but clearly, he’s been busy trying to keep the city safe. I feel my crush getting stronger the more I think about him. No. I can’t let him get to me. My last relationship was too toxic, and I hate that it defers me from something great, but I have to keep my guard up. I started fading in and out of consciousness.

“Hey (Y/N), I’m about to pick up some food. Would you mind if I came over,” he texted me.

“Sure,” I texted him back with my address. About half an hour later, there was a knock at my door. It was him.

“Hi, may I come in?” He had takeout, sunflowers, and taiyaki. I invited him in and he has the biggest smile on his face. “Uh, these are for you. I thought you would appreciate them,” he blushed.

“Thank you Kirishima, you’re so sweet,” I looked for a vase. He saw that I had the news on. “Oh, so I see you were watching me defeat the invisible man with Bakugo,” he said.

“Of course,” I said, “I told you I would support you.” He blushed as he gathered the takeout to the couch. My couch was the ones where you sink into, he didn’t really expect that when he sunk in the middle. I chuckled. “Your couch is so comfy, but I need some help,” he laughed. I helped him up with the food and sat next to him. “Enough of the news, what are you currently watching on Netflix,” he asked.

“I’ve been watching this cooking show, but I’m sure you don’t want to watch that,” I said, embarrassed.

“No, I do! I love food,” he smiled. We ate takeout as we watched my cooking show. He seemed really into it. He had a lot of questions on different cuisines and questioned a lot of American combinations. I offered to clean up our food and enjoy our taiyaki.

“What do you want to watch? We already watched what I wanted to,” I asked. “Well I’m kinda nerdy and watch hero movies,” he said. “I like hero movies,” I smiled.

I chose the movie as I took another bite of the fish pastry and I look over to see him smiling at me. “Is there something on my face,” I said with a mouth full. He laughed. “No—no sorry,” he blushed. I finished my taytaki and so did he. I got us a blanket to share. “I’m sorry that my apartment is cold,” I said.

“Well come here,” he offered his arm around me. My heart stopped as I entered his embrace. I almost wanted to push him away. I know he was being nice to make me warm, but it was almost too overwhelming for me. I tried to hide that I was breathing heavier as my eyes started to water. I started twitching in his arms. “What’s wrong,” he asked with concern. He paused the movie and was all ears. I stood up in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” I said through my tears. “What is it? I want to understand,” he said.

“Eijiro, I don’t know how to think, act, or feel around you. You’ve been so nice to me and when you touch me, it is so comforting where I get overwhelmed because I want trust you. I haven’t felt that way in a long time and I’m sorry,” I vomited. I held my face in my hands in embarrassment, but then I felt his arms around me.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said holding me, “You are strong and full of light. I’m sorry to overwhelm you with so much. And for the record, I can’t stop thinking about you too. You saved my life. You would be a great sidekick, or even a hero.”

I started to tear up more in his arms, and he didn’t let go. He was so soft and warm, regardless of his hardening quirk. “Here, let’s continue this cuddle session on the couch,” he offered. We plopped on the couch and he started to laugh. “You know,” he began, “This is gonna sound weird, but you cry pretty. Most people I know cry ugly like this,” he wailed. I laughed through my tears. “There’s a smile,” he blushed. He resumes the movie, and he adjusts me to where I am on top of him.

His heartbeat was calm and content. I looked up at him and he looked down to me and smiled. I smiled back and put my head back on his chest. I started to fall asleep to the symphonies of his breathing.

Half asleep, I look up at Kirishima and he’s asleep to the credits rolling. I get up slowly off of him, which awakens him. “Looks like we both fell asleep,” he yawned.

“Yeah,” I laughed, “Would you like to stay the night,” I asked. Still half asleep he said, “Sure.”

He stood up and gave me a hug. In the hug, he cupped my face towards his and lightly kissed me. Initially, we smiled, but came to realization on what happened. “I’m sorry. That was too forward of me,” he whispered. I kissed him back and he didn’t want me to stop. “Now, we’re even,” I whispered back. Kirishima pulled me into an embrace kissing me softly. Our kiss turned slow and passionate. He lifted me from my waist and carried me into my room. We laid on the bed as our kiss deepens. He pulls away and smiles. He lightly traces my face. “So beautiful,” he said softly. I blush into his hands. We both cuddle each other and fall asleep.

..................................................................................................

The next morning, I reach out for Kirishima, but then wake up to the smells of breakfast. I walk over to my kitchen to see him making breakfast. “Hey, you’re awake. I hope you don’t mind. I made breakfast. That cooking show got me inspired,” he smiled. I laughed as I helped him set the table. We exchanged looks as we took our first bites. “Did you sleep okay,” I asked.

“Like a rock,” he said, “You kinda wiggle your nose a little when you sleep. I thought it was cute.”

Kirishima gets a phone call from Bakugo. “Excuse me,” he said. After a few seconds, his face turned serious and hung up the phone. “Hey, uh, I gotta go. But I hope you enjoy breakfast and I’ll text you later, okay,” he kissed me on the forehead and bolted out the door.

I turned on the news and there was a villain holding a child hostage. Ground Zero and Red Riot showed up at the scene to save the child. “I’m here to support you,” I said eating breakfast and watching the news. After a heated battle, the pro-heroes returned the child to their parents. Red Riot turns to the media and points at the camera. “You’re my sunflower,” he says.

#kirishima eijiro #eijiro kirishima #eijiro kirishima x reader #bakugo katsuki #kirishima imagine #kirishima x reader #bnha #bnha imagines #kirishima fluff #kirishima fanfic

[namhyems]

to open, push down and turn

A lot happened since my last post, so here’s a quick recap.

August: Official start of the long 3-month holiday. I spent most of it tutoring students in the village. I taught a group of primary school students who really tested my patience. I also taught two high school boys as well as two high school girls. I even taught the local bank staff. I cooked for myself every day this month. I would bike to the market early in the morning to beat the rush and to make it in time for my favorite fried rice cakes with bean paste. I became really comfortable with the market and the sellers. So comfortable that they were all slapping my butt at one point and telling me how my boobs were nonexistent. Oh, I forgot to mention that my counterpart and I made a commitment to “exercise” daily with students which really just meant going on a walk to the pagoda at 6AM. With my days filled to brim, the month really flew by.

September: Mid-service training. We had three full days of training at the PC office where we learned a lot more advanced/useful language. This was also the month I visited home! The journey there didn’t even feel that long because I was just so excited. My mom and I kept this a secret from everyone for about three months. Surprising my family and friends was seriously one of the best parts. During my time home, I was reminded how much I am loved and cared for and thought about. I was reminded the importance of community and the value of having somewhere I can call home. Goodbyes weren’t as difficult this time because somehow saying “see you in a year” made it so much better than “see you in two years”.

October: I came back to the last month of school holiday rejuvenated and ready for my final year into service. This time coincided with a Khmer festival known as Pchum Ben which is a festival to respect ancestors and those who have passed. My host family and I visited the same pagoda as the one we visited when I first met them. It was a lot of mixed feelings knowing that so much has happened since that time. Transition back to the village life and back to Cambodia in general was a lot smoother than I thought it would be. I even attended my first Khmer wedding with my host family! This was huge for me because while all other PCVs went to weddings in their first year of service, I went to my first one with my host fam in my second year, lol. ~*~*PC clout~*~*

November: The first day of school ceremony took place on the first day of the month. I went to the ceremony expecting a fairly big ceremony similar to last year but when I arrived, it was two times the size as last year with a fancy elevated stage with a massive sound system. It was a Coachella main stage in the middle of the schoolyard. School commenced the day after and I didn’t know my schedule for a good week. I also started working with two new counterparts - both females! My previous counterpart went to Phnom Penh to study some more. This month I also had the best burger of my life in Phnom Penh. Shout out to Cousin’s Burger. Y’all doin’ it right. I also also had two Japanese friends visit me from Japan!! I prepped myself by binge watching Terrace House and talking to myself in Japanese as much as I could, but wow…when the day finally came, I really felt like I was malfunctioning. I literally had four languages in my brain all trying to come out. I kept imagining that episode of SpongeBob when millions of SpongeBobs in his brain are shuffling through the different drawers in his brain and end up going crazy. Yeah, that was me. But thanks to them, I got to practice my Japanese as well as reaffirm my Khmer and I finally visited Angkor Wat.

December: Six days into December, my umma came to this side of the world!! We visited my love on her little island called Singapore, met her family and friends, and lived my Crazy Rich Asian fantasy out. Not really, because the most exciting things were Donki and mazesoba LOL. Only half kidding. We then came back to Cambodia to officially show my umma where I currently call home. Thinking back now, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea going from the cleanest and most developed SEA country to one of the less developed countries…But I guess it helped with the dramatic effect. Out of everything, though, showing my umma my village and introducing her to my community was such a unique experience and feeling. The one thing everyone kept saying was “your mom is prettier than you!!!!” Why, yes, yes she is. Was that a compliment or a back-handed comment? … I’ll leave that up to you the reader. It’s also really fun now when I talk to my umma on the phone because she actually met these people and she knows what everything looks like. Honestly my appa was more excited than her and he didn’t even come, lol. We also went to Korea for a couple days. The experiences there and the feelings I felt there are too much to describe here, so I might have to save that for another post. But a major highlight was going to Guckkasten’s concert with my fangirl of a mother, hahah. Idk why but I wanted to cry the whole time watching her fangirl. It was just a lot for me to see her finally be able to do what she enjoyed rather than doing something just for our family’s wellbeing. And plot twist, I became a fan. (Omg so much happened in December…I’m only half-way through the month.) Around Christmas time, I got a phone call from medical staff that one of my closest friends was sick with dengue fever and currently in the hospital. They asked me to come keep her company at the hospital if possible, and I told them that I’d be there the next day. Seeing my friend so sick and fatigue in a hospital bed was honestly a huge wake up call. Being sick in this country with no one by our side is probably one of the loneliest things ever. I was able to see her get a bit better before leaving back to the village. Then came NYE which I spent on the islands of Cambodia. Koh Rong was the paradise I never thought I needed. I’ve always been a mountain girl but that was probably because that’s all I ever had in good ol’ landlocked Colorado. Now it’s hard for me to say if I am a mountain person or beach person. It was just that beautiful and relaxing.

January: 2019! The year that seemed light years away has finally arrived. It’s nearing the end of this month and there were just a few things that stuck out. My close friend went back home to America due to her health, and man, that hit hard. I didn’t know how sad and how empty it feels to have a close volunteer go home like that. I couldn’t even say a proper goodbye irl. It put me in a weird thought cycle for sure. This thought cycle also put me in a weird place…I wouldn’t say it’s a bad place. I’m not sure if it’s good either. I’m still trying to figure it out. I even deactivated Instagram because of it. Who do I think I am?! But for now, I think I like where I am now. (Lol, am I Tumblr emo yet?) I’ve been writing random thoughts out since this weird thought cycle so when I feel that I can gather my thoughts on one of these “writings” and actually make sense of it, I’ll try and post it.

But for now, that’s it. That’s where I’ve been and that’s where I am now.

From a weird place,

Sreymin

[iamprish1-blog]

I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me. 

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family  3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

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