#idk idk losing my best friend of twelve years and Corby in the same year both of those relationships being soulmates

[haml3t]

I might only have a day or two left with Corby after all

#I didn’t think I had long but damn. #I’ve never had to put an animal down before like not as an adult and he is so so so special #he’s so much smarter than most people he’s funny and has excellent intuition he’s warned me about heartbreak #I trust his judge of character with full confidence it’s funny he was OBSESSED with my last boyfriend #and that was the only good romantic relationship I’ve ever had #he’s only 10 years old that is middle aged for a cat!! I think they’re seniors at 12+ #but cancer is cancer #I respect him FAR too much to ever let him live if he can’t he himself #idk idk losing my best friend of twelve years and Corby in the same year both of those relationships being soulmates #during a pandemic when there are no opportunities to form any new relationships/for newness in general #both being so sudden! #and my daily rage levels being off the fucking charts #when is the last time I experienced genuine tenderness or warmth #joy and passion and love have not been completely absent but life is still very cold #there are some things you cannot give to yourself you have to receive #reading will help it always does getting to know and lost in someone’s soul the way you do in a novel is a form of warmth and tenderness #I was certainly more sane while reading Monte Cristo last month #two and a half weeks is long enough for me to ruminate on it #I must start something new it is literally the only true escape and I will need that especially after this #I don’t want his ashes idk how people live with that it would make me sad to walk past everyday #how are you supposed to move on with a reminder like that too #soliloquies