#idk i never organized that myself idk if theres waiting lists or if i have the time or anything

[octal-alchemist]

complaininh

hoping praying i can switch my schedule soon. spoke to my manager today, she said somebody on afternoons is quitting so that works for her. not quite sure who it is she means but, neat.

i keep having like. a daily fucking mental breakdown and i am not okay with it. even when I'm okay, my future feels like it has been stolen. i force myself to look at my goals, but they feel pointless and unsatisfying. nothing is good. i live only to talk to other people, but even that can hurt. I can't create right now. i barely want to.

I've been eating a lot, trying a variety of things, desperately hoping something will satisfy this emptiness. it's making me worse. I can't talk about food stuff with anybody though. or about drinking. just in general people in my life are so used to me being uptight, neurotic, and in control - if i mention im struggling w overeating or drinking theyre like "good :) you should eat more." "oh cool, you're drinking again, i missed drinking w you" like hun no... but i dont want to show them how bad it's getting.

these r people i get to see once every few months. so like. i can mask it to be like I'm doing things reasonably for the time we r together so they don't understand. they don't understand that I've been falling the fuck apsrt again. im almost to the point I wouldn't mind being hospitalized again. maybe i need intensive fucking treatment. idk!

my memory has been like a sieve too. every day blends. an ongoing nightmare with bright spots where i get to talk to people.

it's so stupid that I'm making good fucking money but I'm almost as miserable as when i was homeless. at least then i had fucking company.

i normally clean my house daily w a weekly deep clean but somehow it's gotten disgusting all of a sudden. I don't know when i stopped cleaning. I don't want to fix it. im just fucking hiding in bed n trying to brainstorm. how can i fix thisbhow can i fix me. I can't do this alone humans arent meant to be alone but my pride is so damn big. the shit I say constantly on the internet i would never say irl. but theres stuff ive been too scared to say on the internet too.

if i wasn't so scared of guns idve been dead two weeks ago. if i wasn't a coward I'd use the pills i got in march. i want to live though!!!! i really fucking do!!!! but this alone shit is unbearable. I don't even feel like a person. i feel so unworthy of life of living. everyone else seems to be so connected and i can't find my way in. whens the last fucking time i was held? when did i last feel loved? I don't want to chase people away with my insecurities so i bluff like i think im important to some people but its just. so fucking hollow somehow. when i die i will be forgotten in a week. i both want that and im terrified of it. but there's no point in staining someone with my presence after i can no longer see that and feel that so its better if everyone forgets. if this is just a natural thing. expected.

god though last time i tried to kill myself with pills that was so fucking awful and disgusting and they straight up told me it wouldn't have killed me anyway even if i hadn't been taken to the hospital and i dont want to risk failure again it was so fucking expensive anf ruined everu relationship i had for a long fucking minute

blogging shit helps me feel like i can survive, somewhat. reading stories helps somewhat. i feel a little of the love others place into their creative works and it sustains me. i remember that all of my feelings, even the emptiness, I'm sharing these feelings with everybody. but at some point art won't be enough. stories won't be enough. I can't do this forever i need fucking help. i need something to fucking change.

my pride is not that easy to break so im still gonna try and do it independently. idk. make some lists and timetables and organize my thoughts and wait for some fucking. motivation. force myself along because dawn will come.

gotta clean my damn house. figure out how I'll pay the dental bill, if I'm buying plane tickets or not. research local events, classes, costs, times. if it's all in a spreadsheet I'll use it. oh right, fix the room light that's sparking for some fucking reason, I've been lazy so i taped over the switch instead of doing anything. food, I've only got alcohol and desserts and my blood sugars been fucked. hh. this isnt a coherent list exactly but its a start. i have picked myself up before and from worse. and hey, i have some money saved. if i cancel the trip I could even go a few months without working.

n maybe i should just cancel that trip. in this state it would probably be a waste. but maybe ill be better in two months. maybe i need to get the fuck out of here for a bit.

wish I didn't have to make my own decisions

ok editing. i went out of my way to make this message annoying to read hard to get tobthe important point that's dumv of me this is a cry for help tbh . i know yall can't help. i know. im practicing for when i do it irl. but it does bother me that idk if this is read or not if this changes things. if you do read dropping a heart would be appreciated? gonna assume my measures succeeded and nobody read this otherwise

#ramble that topic skips so much im barely following me #cry for help placed somewhere it can only be seen by people who cant help #tw suicide i guess

[babygirlcastiel]

hi if i have to do all the aesthetic asks then so do u ily 💕

ur gay

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

- today in the car while i belted toto africa 4 times. the minimum quota of times i listen to that song in one day

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

- see theres lots of things about my life i would want to know but most of them aren’t like, gonna be good for me to know. so just tell me what i name my first cat or if my hair is pink when im old idk

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

-being not dead!

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

-yesterday i went on a hike with my dogs !!

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

-other than idk not die probably not

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

-graduate college, get rich, fuck bitches

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

-gay. green hair. but not my roommate, my OTHER gay friend with green hair 

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

-depends on how young childhood is i guess?

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

-LOL last week my life was falling apart and then i ordered the wrong sandwich so i sobbed for 45 minutes straight while driving through denver traffic with all 3 of my roommates in the car and lemme tell you they were shook

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

-hmm bad question i pick all of my friends together huddled on a blanket with hot chocolate and chocolate liquor 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

-? i do that constantly. isnt that kind of what im doing right now

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

-probably kelsey and shelby and madison, theys my roommates

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

-nope

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

-what kind of question is this?? all eyes are good eyes wtf

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

-THERES TOO MANY. lets go with this last bit of mary oliver’s ‘the summer day’ 

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto the grass, how to kneel in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fieldswhich is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what else should I have done?Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me, what is it you plan to doWith your one wild and precious life?

this just?? sums up my year of college and my philisophy professor read it to us the last day and cried and it means a whole lot. the whole poem is fucking awesome too, you can find it here!

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

-”fuck”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

-quarter of it goes to my parents, another quarter of it goes towards making sure i can pay for college/food/bills/and the other necessities  etc so my parents don’t have to pay for anything, next quarter gets me an apartment in denver, last quarter goes to me and my sister for cool shit and concerts

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

-im too forgiving when i need to be harsh and too harsh when i should forgive. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

-calm down. kiss that boy, be best friends with his litter sister much sooner, tell your parents you love them. annoy your sister. and for the love of god ur gonna be okay babe just breathe a little

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

-neither. i describe myself as a 2009 scene girl and billie joe armstrong getting lost in an REI and having a baby. im the baby

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

-got two stick and pokes, a septum piercing and a bridge (only one piercing but i’ve gotten it done twice now) and holy shit i can’t wait to get more of both

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

-i wear minimal makeup except for highliter which i plan on putting enough of to horrify anyone who actually knows anything about makeup

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

- SIA keeps be breathin my dude

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.\

- CALM DOWN

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

- uhhh carlos santana, fall out boy x3, panic at the disco x3, twenty one pilots x1, paramore x1, jason mraz x1, barenaked ladies x1, and honestly theres a lot more but i cannot remember there are?? too fuckin many

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

- ghengs khan. and i want it to say ‘eat more pussy’ with his signature at the bottom

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

-not currently but in denver i did and it was very very organized and clean and perfect and beautiful

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

-well i either shower or wash my face depending on if i showered that morning, then i use apple cider vinegar mixed with water as a toner, olay moisturizer on my face, i clean both piercings, then normally brush and put dry shampoo in my hair, moisturize my tattoos then the rest of my body, then brush my teeth, drink some water, then lay down !!

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

- honestly not much

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

- i would never dye my hair. my natural bubblegum locks are all i could ever ask for

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

- i dont mean to sound like an ass but 5 isn’t enough i have a lot of friends. i choose, my roommates, my emily, my roommates sister and her roommates, carly & The Gang, nicole and jess, my sister, my friend brynna and every dog ive ever met. 

we’d go to a big lake

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

-magic wand that heals all illness, acne, wounds, etc. to fix all of it

-shapeshifting powers so i can be a jellyfish in my spare time

- talk to animals. because no fucking shit

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

-OOH HEE MAMA. i once had a panic attack and yelled at some dude?? i dont remember why all i know is i was in his house and scared and i feel bad about it. also we’ve all puked a lot but thats not exciting.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

-kill a dog

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

-toto africa because it’s all i listen to anyways and if i could only see one person i’d choose my sister and she’d kill me

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

-i wish there was a way to type vomiting noises

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

-a) yes i would and b) this is a weird question go away

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

- i would trust legit anyone to order for me it’s not that hard, i normally get a venti iced coffee with room, fill it to the top with half and half and thats it

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

-taking care of myself, petting my dogs, 

#im love you emily <333 #woodlandwanderess #ask

[milliethesillie]

Its Midnight I need some writing practice and I’ll literally take anything

and By anything I mean a crappy Meme that @canuckianhawkguy tagged me in

So 10 random things about myself eh Ravage,) who I’m still referring to you as because I forgot your name was Scott and I can’t be bothered to learn how to spell canukian). Well lucky for me literally no one on this website cares about me aside from people I already know.

1. When I was small I taught myself how to do stop motion.... I’m still a little fuzzy on the details myself but I somehow knew after seeing a couple of claymations that taking 1 quantillion pictures of slightly moving clay = animation. I made some claymations when I was  younger. They aren’t very good and they took forever and having ADD didn’t really help. Kind of leads into 2 actually

2. Diagnosed with Aspergers and ADD..... I honestly don’t really care too much about it but everyone on this unholy website seems to be obsessed with whatever they’re diagnosed with. I mean yeah I have it but I try to ignore the cards I’ve been dealt and just summon a blue eyes in attack mode or something.... I don’t know where this analogy is going.

3. Uh.... Ok so like one time when I was still going to RIT I was leaving anime club and I was unlocking the cord tied my bike to a lampost.... when suddenly these guys in clown masks walked up to me and one of them was talking to me. The other ones were standing back a bit and I don’t remember what the main guy was saying. I was just trying to unlock my bike as fast as possible, cause the moment I did I held my bike up over my head and yelled “YOU WANT SOME OF THIS! DO YA?” or something like that. The guy held his hands up and just said “We don’t want any trouble” so I pretended to be calm saying “Oh ok” put my bike down hopped on while slightly tripping on it and biked away to my dorm as fast as i could. I swear on my life this actually happened.

4. Fact number 4 is that I hate this stupid website and that the only reason I’m here is because alot of my close friends are here. If theres anything I’ve learned from this website its trust no one because literally anything you like or care about or anyone you think is cool can immediately become a nazi or problematic or 3 Satans glued together. But it doesn’t stop people from having a constant holier then thou attitude. Plus people can’t take a joke. and I don’t mean that in a “I murdered your parents with a small rabbit on National don’t murder people with rabbits” kind of way. I mean in a kind of way where I once saw a post where someone said “draw people with big noses” cause of representation and honestly most people don’t have small noses, but just to be dumb I reblogged and said “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m going to draw my people with no noses!” and their response was to call me a nazi and block me. again True story.

5. So despite not really animating since I was in highschool I still need to art. I enjoy writing when I can get myself to do it and also enjoy sculpting when I can do it as well. I sculpted a bit when I was younger but in college when I started doing DnD I really got back into it. I was making figurines for my character and all of my friends characters. I do have like a shelf or 2s worth of figurines that I never posted cause I got lazy. It might end up on the website but maybe not

6. I got lyme and Mono (both undiagnosed and untreated until I was back home) when I was in college and also got depression as a result of that. Mostly recovered now but I’m still pretty bitter about that and most things in general.

7. Video Games!..... Idk I play them. Mostly Nintendo but with the most recent summer steam sale I got a good 70 games that need playing. Uh... Let me list some of my favorites. Kirby series. Bravely Default Series (Amazing music). Mario and Luigi series( Except for you paper Jam! we’re still not on speaking terms)(also amazing music), Okami is amazing in every aspect.... uh.... Crypt of the Necrodancer is also good. Oh and the Monkey Island games. Those are good.

8. I was going to talk about sweat here but I thought of something less disgusting. Bandanas! I own like 30 different ones and I wear a different one every day.

9. Anime is dead to me. Look I’m running out of ideas so lets rant about the Japanese cartoon that goes by the philosophy “If there’s no nipples its not porn”. The only one I watch nowadays is Dragon Ball Super while exercising but besides that I ain’t touching anything else with a 49 1/2 foot grinch. Look I appreciate the sexual organs on human females as much as the next guy but as Professor Oak Once said “You were close!”

...wait wrong quote.

10. I can’t think of one that I’m willing to put on the internet.... SO heres a song instead

Oh right tagging. Don’t care. Uh..... Lets tag some Morons with really bad names or just someone who is an idiot in general @staff @mypantsaregone I could only find 1 besides the staff.