#idk how many therapy sessions meant for me were spent on drs tangenting about their job like ok but I’m 15 and idk why I want to die so

[holyluvr]

“You won’t be saying that you hate doctors when you need life saving surgery”. Sure, I will.

For starters, similar to “man-haters” and their experiences with men, I have PTSD from repetitive medical and psychiatric abuse and mistreatment. No shit, logically it doesn’t add up to generalize all doctors as horrible. I’m venting from a place that hasn’t been healed and rage at injustices still happening, using my own language that it’s fine if you don’t understand or know what I’m referencing, but I’m aware of this.

I hate the healthcare system, and doctors are their mascots. Man haters usually hate the patriarchy for the trauma it’s allowed men to give them. They hate men by extension of the patriarchy as if to say, “Men are what the patriarchy is based around and who are held free of consequences and responsibility because of it. Men are the mascots of the patriarchy”. Unless they’re sexist on top of the PTSD, they’ll recognize that it’s a social issue that they’re being harsh on from trauma and rage and that anyone born male isn’t inherently dangerous. The misogynistic men were raised in a patriarchal society, but that doesn’t excuse or justify rape, abuse, femicide, and kicking women down to climb higher.

The same for doctors. They’re a product of a fucked up healthcare system and the light of that system shines mostly onto them. So, yeah. I have medical/psychiatric PTSD. I’m not going to trust them even if I’m aware that good doctors, just like good men, exist. I’m going to be on edge because the knowledge of good doctors existing doesn’t work in the present when you don’t have any around you and have only met dangerous ones.

Secondly, but most importantly, life-saving surgeries and treatments were incorrectly used on people in my family, killed my sister, and dangerous mistakes were made with me that there’s almost no excuse to have made while in ER rooms, and those workers had zero excuse— which was maybe why I wasn’t told about it and found out after I was released. Unless they’re so bad at being ER workers that they simply forgot 🤪😋 to tell a 22 year old that I started to have a heart attack and showed signs of organ failure! Silly mistake on their end.

Nurses either are exceptionally bold or don’t realize that patients can hear them gossiping at the reception desk. I have heard 2 nurses/techs say that I was better off dead when I was a teenager because they thought I was still drugged in the room they were leaning against for their little conversation on how they’d disown their child if they harmed themselves so selfishly like I had(My mother snapped from stress and told me to kill myself. That’s why she did not answer her phone nor show up at the hospital when I was being transferred, but sure since y’all know-it-all).

It’s like how my father scoffs and says, “Who would you call if you were raped?”(🤡 he’s gotta be in denial about how much of a pig he is) when I make a comment about not trusting the sherif. I wouldn’t call them because the times that law enforcement were involved were traumatizing with no positive outcome.

The doctors in hospitals who asked about it did nothing about it either besides write it in my files that I have a history of sexual abuse— ignoring that it was ongoing and probably needed some legal or social work support. The only focus brought towards that was using it to say why I must be LGBT+/GNC. Just like with the law enforcement, it was weaponized against a child and used to further focus on sexualizing said gay child.

No. I wouldn’t have my trust in a doctor to save my life because my experiences with healthcare workers are eerily similar to law enforcement. And many of them are cruel and petty alike law enforcement while on the clock.

I’d have to hope and pray that I survive whatever they’re doing to me and that it doesn’t permanently harm me because they got distracted by other orders or didn’t want to use expensive equipment or didn’t want to admit they have no experience with something a diff specialist needs to be called in for or don’t think someone like me should exist in an ideal society,…

Or their version of what sounds exactly like the “Poor me, forced into insanity and murder because I had no choice but to look after this failure of a burdensome human everyday or kill them!” caregiver burnout murder case defenses, as if caregiver burnout itself by caregivers of highest level needs disabled people justifies abuse or murder. It does not! You can quit being a carer before you decide to abuse or kill the disabled human you’re caring for! Just like you can divorce your wife instead of abusing and killing her! Seriously, what the fuck? 😀 Ahaha. I understand pride is a problem, but what the fuck? Just like these cases, you can and should quit being a healthcare worker or put it on hold indefinitely if you start acting abusive or selfish on the job.

I was in hospitals more than school growing up. People used to argue with my parents about how they were letting strangers raise me. It’s not like I became physically disabled a few years ago and entered the world of doctors to see a few new horrors. I was raised in that system.

You think they did a good job? This is how the end result of people educated in child psychology and pediatrics talking to a child more than any other demographic should be? It’s a bit off base imo to come at me for what’s seen as hysteric and insane takes on doctors when they told me who to be. They and my mother chose what I ate, what pills I took, what I was allowed to say, what I was allowed to believe, who I could be friends with if I dared speak to anyone, how much time outside I was allowed to get,…

Do people think I was born a snakey and insensitive bastard? I spent my life so far metaphorically figuring out puzzles to locks on doors that kept getting more difficult every time I managed to open them in rooms without windows. Then I saw that I was just in a damn hallway with my mother that lead me right into an identical room owned by doctors. Over and over again. That’s been my growing up. None of my doctors gave a single damn about my health or the abuse I had been through.

I won’t trust a doctor. I’d have no other options of who to turn to. Letting someone die is illegal, so as soon as you lose consciousness, doctors can legally treat you even if you said no— but it’s like making a deal with someone who could be the Devil and not knowing what will happen.

I love doctors. I respect their work, and the concept of healthcare is important to me. Doctors are usually my favorite characters in anything. They were my only idea of who I felt OK looking up to and basing my ideals on.

I don’t trust them nor their workers and connections and tools anymore at the same time, and I think that’s fair to say, especially right now, as an adult trying to heal out of everything they’ve told me about myself. I don’t think it contradicts to say that the concept of working-healthcare practices in place is admirable to me while the real, corrupt industry it’s turned into is Hell.

When I hear the word, “mother”. My first thought is my biological mother. Then memories of psychologists and therapists come to mind all the same. If you say “father”, my first thought is my biological father. Then memories of psychiatrists and techs. I think, for myself, I at least have a better idea than anyone else on my experiences with healthcare workers.

Healthcare workers traumatizing me and killing people in my family doesn’t mean they didn’t save or majorly better the QOL of someone else. Personal bias or better treatment of who they like. State regulations. Cultural differences. The existence of doctors who are doing everything in their power to hold the pillar up while their coworkers long let it go in defeatism, propaganda and erasure in education, socioeconomic stress, stress from higher-ups in control of funding, or whom never really cared and prioritized lives in the first place.

“That’s just how it is”/“Theres nothing in my power to do” is something both my parents and therapists have said to me while looking downcast and defeated when I’ve questioned why they hurt me, themselves, others, or let it happen with others.

A lot of people have heard that from adults as children and were pissed or hurt every time. “Life is unfair, get over it”. That mindset. That language and standby on violence that goes with it. The refusal to stand up for a child asking for Justice.

Full offense at every person who has said that while on the job or to a child when I say this….How much of a fucking coward do you have to be to look at someone smaller than you and injured from people on equal footing with you and say that? If you really think you aren’t being a POS coward, say it louder while looking the kid in the eyes, and don’t apologize or sound apologetic along with it. Do you give a fuck or not? Does it bother you or not? Do you have issue being associated with that or not?

Just like my parents, the same with doctors. Nothing is more frightening than someone in power over you who is unpredictable and goes back and forth between what they say and how they act. Especially when they hold unhealthy attitudes or are outright abusive.

#… #drs rlly will tell themselves that there’s a huge boom in paranoid and difficult disrespectful patients and be like ‘nothing to do w/ us’ #as if healthcare stability isn’t like. the pillar of society doing ok #nah everyone is hysteric and junkies who wanna make their lives and work sooooo much harder and annoying and gross 🤮 #***long ptsd posting u know how it is ahahaha Dr appt days med days ooooh man #but LOL how people think I wouldn’t have any idea of how doctors think and feel….do you know who my ‘friends’ were growing up? fuck off. #idk how many therapy sessions meant for me were spent on drs tangenting about their job like ok but I’m 15 and idk why I want to die so