#i'm waaaay way too old to be behaving like an experiementing teenager and i feel like everyone is laughing at me because of it

[wild-at-mind]

Me recently: what if someone thinks I’m a loser? What if I AM a loser??

#what triggers this? usually comparing my life to other people's #it's just like.....i'm 33 soon to be 34. and i've barely lived at all. #i feel like there are certain life experiences that people do in their 20s that they look back on and say #'those things i did i would not do now as they were probably a bad idea #but i was young and fun and now i'm older and can calm down a bit and i'm glad i had those experiences' #but for me i feel like it took me this long to find the tiniest idea of who i am #sometimes i feel like i fel out of a cocoon or something like a year ago #i feel like i was born yesterday i've done no living at all #and that which i did do i don't talk about because i don't want to make other people feel like i do right now #if they haven't done those things #but like i've not done anything god fuck #my friend who doesn't message me back any more said it seemed like i wanted new experiences and that's not a bad thing #and it's true and she's right but omg i'm so scared #every time i tried to do anything the slightest bit adventurous in the past something went fucked up #and all the people who might have introduced me to fun new things are gone because they made me feel shitty #and when i meet new people they stop messaging me #i'm waaaay way too old to be behaving like an experiementing teenager and i feel like everyone is laughing at me because of it #even if they are not i feel like they can tell i'm the boring person i always thought i would grow up to be #i better stop here because i'm crying again fuck fuck fuck