#i’m magolor REAL!!! /lh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phoebelovingcare · 3 years

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Okay, DoC here, hi, when you get to reading chapter 7, could you tell me what I did right and wrong? I'm only saying this because so far, you're feedback has been only positive, and I'm super happy you like my writing, but I don't know what I need to improve on, that's all I ask, not trying to sound mean or ungrateful, I just want to get better, that's all, thanks for all the kind comments!

Okay!

GRAMMAR.

THAT IS LITERALLY IT THAT IS MY ONLY GRIPE IS THE GRAMMAR.

You don’t need to beat yourself up over your jokes or your dialogue or your pacing if you could just fix your grammar. You need an editor or time to reread what you’ve written and fix it, not hours of self hate.

Here, lemme show you (spoilers for The Time that Time Fell):

This is the Daroach paragraph where he goes through the squeak squad hall:

Walking through the hall, Daroach saw some familiar images, firstly was when he stole Kirby’s cake, Daroach chuckled at the memory, they always joked about how “Kirby has killed gods over cake”. Second was an image of Kirby beating up Dedede, poor guy, always gets blamed the second something goes wrong. Third was an image of Doc piloting Yadogaine, he always bragged about how that was his “greatest invention”, always conveniently forgot to mention Kirby tore through it like paper. Fourth was his fight with Kirby, Daroach giggled, Kirby always complained about Daroach “teleport spamming” but if you saw a hammer going towards your face and you had the option to dodge instantly, wouldn’t you take it, Daroach thought back and remembered Meta stealing the chest so it couldn’t possess him, I mean, he could’ve at least told him! Fifth was the image of the aforementioned possession, when Daroach opened the chest, that’s essentially been one of the four times Daroach felt real fear, the others being Doc’s spaceship blowing up during an excursion, Spinni getting caught in a bear trap, and… hearing Magolor, Taranza, and Susie had been kidnapped, so he cared about them, he wasn’t made of stone! Lastly was an image of Dark Daroach, with Dark Nebula looming in the distance, he wished he could’ve killed that thing himself for possessing him. Daroach made it to the end of the hall and jumped down, seeing a hologram of what was supposedly his enemy.

Now I’m going to edit it slightly. Watch this.

Walking through the hall, Daroach saw some familiar sights displayed along the walls.

The first was when he had stolen Kirby’s cake. Daroach chuckled at the memory. They always joked about how Kirby would kill gods over a slice of cake after that whole mess.

Second was an image of Kirby beating up Dedede, the poor guy. He always gets blamed the second something goes wrong, even if he’d been nothing but kind to Kirby for the past decade.

Third was a depiction of Doc piloting his ship Yadogaine - he always bragged about how that was his “greatest invention”, always conveniently forgetting to mention that Kirby tore through it like paper in only a few minutes time.

Fourth was his own fight with Kirby. Daroach giggled. Kirby had always complained about Daroach’s erratic and constant teleporting, but if you saw a hammer going towards your face and you had the option to dodge instantly, wouldn’t you take it? He frowned as he thought back and remembered Meta Knight trying to steal the chest so it couldn’t possess him. Well, he could’ve at least told him!

The fifth was of the aforementioned possession, when Daroach opened the chest. He shuddered at the memory. It was essentially one of the four times Daroach felt real fear, the others being Doc’s spaceship blowing up during an excursion, Spinni getting caught in a bear trap, and… hearing Magolor, Taranza, and Susie had been kidnapped. Yeah, so, he cared about them, he wasn’t made of stone!

The last picture had him glaring angrily, quietly seething. It was of Dark Daroach, with Dark Nebula looming in the distance. He wished he could’ve killed that thing himself for possessing him. He sighed and moved on.

Daroach made it to the end of the hall and jumped down, greeted by the sight of a hologram of what was supposedly his enemy.

So here’s the patch notes:

Added proper paragraph spacing in between the descriptions of each image! This makes it easier to read if you have ADHD or some kind of visual processing disorder as well, so it’s not just prettier, it’s also more accessible!

Removed repeated phrasings and added synonyms. The original paragraph says “image” 5 times, which can feel repetitive and therefore boring - the edited version only says “image” once. I did this by changing a couple words - “picture” and “depiction” - and/or just removing it all together. I don’t need to say it’s the fourth image, you’ll know what I mean if I say it’s “the fourth one”.

Removed slightly clunky phrasing, so everything flows together a little better. Pick a perspective and verb tense and stick with it! /lh

Added a little more showing instead of telling. Instead of just saying it was one of the only times he was truly afraid, make him shudder at the memory and THEN say that. Same for the last one - he wishes he could’ve killed Dark Nebula personally? Make him glare at the reminder that he even existed.

Speaking of which, added italics on “himself” in that sentence because I almost missed it when I first read through it and went “...but he is dead, kirby killed him? oh wait himself okay”. Also makes it clear where the emphasis in that sentence is supposed to be.

REMOVED RUN-ON SENTENCES /lh

Found a way to convey “teleport spamming” without using a video game word. Just prevents breaking immersion, that’s all

These all aren’t pacing issues, poor jokes, bad dialogue, or bad description. These are all basic grammatical issues. Your jokes are fine, your dialogue is fine, but I got taught almost all this stuff in second grade. I had a similar conversation with another friend of mine - I love her writing, and now that it’s easier to read, so do a lot of other people!

I hope you find this helpful - uhh for the record, I’ve only just finished Chapter 7 so don’t start sending spoilers in my inbox - and have a good day!!

#pheb speaks #deck of cards anon #save

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