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kenni-woodard · 2 years

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Sometimes I get in a weird headspace of feeling like I missed out on an opportunity to really make my life what I wanted to be since I had such a negative college experience. I find myself wanting to recreate the physical environment (i.e. styling my bedroom as a dorm room, taking notes in a certain way, etc), as though doing it all over again will help me make it right somehow. But even if things weren't the nightmare that they were, I don't know that they would have worked out the way part of my brain seems to think they would / should have.

Even with more self-knowledge, I am still very messy and unmotivated to do certain things. I am still neurodivergent and would still have a hard time relating to my peers. I would still have found myself both overwhelmed and understimulated at the same time.

I simply did not grow up in an age with as much awareness and acceptance as I'm seeing in the younger generation right now. I wish that I had. I think my physical location has something to do with that as well, if I'm being honest.

Putting that into perspective has taken some of the despair I was feeling away, but what it doesn't address is the underlying feeling that probably caused me to think along those lines in the first place - I feel out of control of my life.

Everything is a mess. My house isn't in tip-top shape structurally because it's old, which is something I'm not used to. I can't afford to move, and there's not really anywhere around here that I even want to move. I'm over the southern US heat waves, the shift in climate that is responsible for increased storms and tornadic activity, being surrounded by people who are absolutely nothing like me...WITH NO ACCESS TO IKEA OR DAISO!!! lol. I know these aren't real things to complain about because there are people with no home at all. At the same time, I still find myself rather annoyed / frustrated about the things I have mentioned.

The one thing I really missed about the college days is feeling like I had hope to control my future. Or even my present. I could choose my classes and my schedule. I had time to be creative. I had a beautiful environment / campus to walk around and enjoy. Books and other media to consume for free (because libraries). And I had friends nearby. I miss that. A small number of friends, but friends nonetheless. Now there is no one. At least no one here. They're dispersed around the state and country now. And it really sucks quite a lot. I don't like it 😣.

I'm overdue for a big change. But there's literally a war happening right now. Inflation is absurdly high right now. As is the cost of owning a home. My family is getting older, so I don't want to move away from them. There are just so many reasons to not move. Whether they are valid reasons instead of just excuses is a different story ☹️.

#personal #what am i doing with my life

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littleaprilcherryblossom · 3 years

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Sent by @holy-hyuck

i'm doing alright, thanks! i would love to not have to cite anything, especially since i could pretty much get by without even learning from the lectures and stuff, so it was like what did i spend hours learning all that for? if i just had to read some articles for the essay instead of testing my knowledge. but 15?! i would usually read 2-4 in-depth and write about those, which i know technically isn't how you're supposed to do it, cause i think you're supposed to add some examples and just write a short bit about the results but i never did that. no wonder my grades weren't the highest lol. that's crazy, i would hate to need to have so many references. well it seems like you do keep yourself busy haha. hopefully you'll be successful in that! do you speak German? hopefully you do have fun wherever you decide to go 😊 i've never tried crocheting but i feel like it would be so relaxing i still have 2 more months (i go back on the 26th of september) but i kinda gave up on getting a part-time job since it's almost pointless to have it for some little, and i've been rejected from so many at this point 😅 but i want to start driving lessons whilst i'm still here, to get a head start at least. other than that i don't have any other plans, might meet up with a friend when the weather is nice and she has time off work because we couldn't so far. when do you go back? or are you still not sure about postgraduate?

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Yeah honestly the further I got into my studies the less I liked studying and the more disgusted I was about universitary work. Like I finally realized it wasn't for me haha I guess better later than never 😂

Yes I am actually quite busy, I thought this summer was going to be a bit more chill but I'm not complaining !

Thank you very much 🥺 I also wish you the best in your studies and in life in general 🤍

Yes I do speak German but it's a bit rusty haha I used to be in bilingual (French/German) classes from kindergarden to middle school and then I stopped 😅

You know it's perfectly okay not to do anything big during summer break ! Oh good luck for your driving lessons ! You'll see it's not that scary to drive 😉 oh it's if you can see your friends !

Actually the project I am looking for is like a gap year but for people under 25, all dorts of companies, etablishments, administrations, associations, etc post an offer for a project/job on the government's website meant for these and the gouvernement provides a small revenue each month for the people who participate in these. I want to do this because a lot happened this year and I couldn't look for a postgraduate (or more like I didn't want to add more unecessary stress to myself) ☹️ so my goal is to do that this year, I'm also thinking about changing my studies because I am not happy at the moment... so yep we'll see !

I'm leaving for a one-week vacation tomorrow, I'll send you pictures if you want !

#submission #victoria 🌹#mutuals 🙌#thank you 💕

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