#i will say they hurt my baby stupid with love but thats ok. nobody’s perfect | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chuffyfan87 · 4 years

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Hiding. Part 77b

"As well as she can be given her waters just broke in the main entrance."

The colour drained from Charlie’s face and he stumbled slightly.

Megan moved to steady him. "Take a deep breath Charlie."

“Where..? Where is she?”

"I left her in the corridor with some of the other staff so I could go find you."

“Shit. I don’t believe this is happening.”

"From what I understand she wasn't exactly honest with you before you came here earlier." Megan sighed.

“She’s been having contractions?”

Megan nodded. It gave her no pleasure telling Charlie but she felt he needed to know.

He sat down in the chair and put his head in his hands. “This wasn’t supposed to happen...”

"I know but you need to pull yourself together and be there for her."

He swallowed, nodded and stood up. “Will you come with me?”

"Of course." Megan replied, placing her hand on his arm.

“Thank you.” Together they went to see Duffy. The entire time Charlie felt sick to his stomach. This feeling wasn't elevated when they reached resus and found that there were no staff from obstetrics in the room, only A+E colleagues. “Baby, it’s going to be ok.” Charlie whispered reassuringly to Duffy although he didn’t feel reassured by his own words.

"Really. Hurts." Duffy gasped as she reached out to grasp his hand.

"The only thing I'd be happy to give her is an epidural but I don't think we have time for that to take effect." Maggie interjected as she finished examining Duffy.

Charlie nodded. “Sweetheart, you’re going to have to do this without pain relief.”

"Not again." Duffy cried softly, her voice laced with terror.

“I’m afraid so. But we can do this. We’ll be ok. Remember what you told me?” He kissed her forehead.

"I only said that to try and make you feel better." She grimaced.

“I love you.” He told her.

"Love you t... Oh shit!" She moaned.

Megan hated seeing her younger friend struggling and in such pain. The words were out her mouth before she could stop them. "Stop messing around, she needs a section!"

“The surgeons are already in theatre. A delivery of twins.” Maggie explained. “The best we can do at the minute is monitor the situation.”

Megan wanted to shout back about how precarious the situation was but she knew doing that wouldn't make any difference and would only serve to make things harder for Charlie and Duffy so she reluctantly held her tongue.

Charlie glanced at Megan and then Maggie before turning his attention back to Duffy. “You’re going to be ok.” He whispered, “You both are.”

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

“Ssh, that doesn’t matter now.”

"I thought it would be OK... Ow!"

“I know.” He squeezed her hand.

"Was stupid." She gasped.

“Not the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.” He reassured.

"Really?" She groaned, trying to stay focused on their conversation and encourage him to keep talking to help her try to not focus so much on the pain.

“Hmm. I think the most stupidest thing you ever did was falling in love with me.” He smiled.

"No." She shook her head lightly. "It was not telling you I had when I did." She paused briefly, running the words back over in her mind, checking if they made sense.

“That would make two of us.” He answered back before kissing her forehead. “Did you give Megan the guided tour of the house?”

"Yeh. We live in a mansion." Duffy giggled.

“Thats one way of describing the house. You didn’t tell her about my plans for the ‘spare’ bedroom, did you?” He whispered in her ear with a small chuckle.

She shook her head. She then gripped his hand tight, the pain was getting much worse very quickly.

Feeling her grip his hand tighter, Charlie knew the pain was getting worse. “You’re doing really well.” He told her.

"Can't do this." She managed to grind out.

Maggie caught Charlie's eye. They didn't have long til this baby was gunna arrive, one way or another...

“Yes you can.” He caught Maggie’s eye. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go...

Maggie sighed. "We're fast running out of options." She admitted. "If we're doing a section we need to do it now or it'll be too late." She briefly closed her eyes. "I know what to do but I've never done one before."

He looked at Maggie and nodded, hearing her words. “I trust you.” It was a lot for Charlie to say that but he was fast running out of opinions. Plus Maggie was an excellent doctor, he trusted her.

"OK." Maggie nodded. She took a deep breath before beginning to reel off instructions. Finally she turned back to Charlie and Duffy. "I'm going to need your help, if you're insistent on being conscious then I need to put a spinal block in."

Charlie nodded, “I’ll do whatever you need me to do.” He smiled.

It took some creative manoeuvring but they managed to get the spinal block in. Whilst it took effect Maggie gathered the required equipment and ensured that only the most essential people stayed in the room and were properly attired. She wasn't prepared to take any chances.

Charlie felt sick. Things were going too well. Far too well and he knew something bad was going to happen, it always did. It was just a case of when. He kissed Duffy’s forehead. “Won’t be long now.” He whispered.

"Don't let them take the baby away." She mumbled.

“Baby’s not going anywhere ok?”

"They took him away..." She was becoming increasingly agitated and a little incoherent.

“Sweetheart, relax. Please.” He whispered.

"If they take him they won't bring him back!"

“Of course they will.” He stroked her cheek, hoping to calm her down.

"Charlie..." Maggie warned.

“Yes?” He turned to Maggie.

"I'll have to sedate her if she doesn't calm down."

“I know.” He smiled sadly, “Sweetie, please calm down. Otherwise you’ll have to be sedated and I don’t want that. I want you to hold the baby.”

"Don't let her touch my baby! She'll kill him!"

“Darling, nobody is going to hurt our baby! They have to get through me first.”

One of the monitors started to alarm. Her heart rate and blood pressure were skyrocketing.

He closed his eyes. This was it, wasn’t it? “Sweetheart, please. Please calm down.” He begged her.

The door crashed open. "Is it common practise down here to be able to hear patients screaming half way down the corridor?" The senior obstetrics consultant asked as he approached.

“You took your time getting down here, didn’t you?” Charlie asked before sighing, “I’ve been trying to keep her calm but to no avail.”

"Sedate her then." The consultant replied, not realising that the "patient" was one of their own.

“You’re aware of who the patient is right?”

"Only the bare minimum that was phoned up by one of your colleagues." The consultant retorted.

"Gents we don't have time for you two to have a pissing contest!" Maggie interjected with frustration.

“You’ll find the patient is my wife! And I won’t be sedating her or having anyone else sedate her either!!” Charlie replied with a hint of attitude. Both men then turned to look at Maggie.

"In that case you need to be outside. Now." The consultant replied.

Maggie turned her attention back to Duffy who was beginning to struggle to breathe.

“I’m not going anywhere!” Charlie replied before realising that Duffy was struggling to breathe.

"Am I doing this or are you?" Maggie asked the consultant, growing tired with the fighting and fearful of where it could lead.

“Do you want to take the lead on this one?” The consultant asked as he put Duffy on oxygen to help her breathe.

"Really?" Maggie gasped nervously.

“Yes.”

"Um, OK." Maggie replied, glancing anxiously at Charlie.

Charlie smiled reassuringly.

Maggie tried not to let her hands shake as she followed the consultant's instructions.

Charlie watched as Maggie performed the cesarean on Duffy.

In stark contrast to the usual cacophony of noise in the room you could now hear a pin drop as everyone seemed to be holding their breath.

Charlie really was holding his breath!

Suddenly the silence was broken by a small cry.

Charlie stared at the baby as it was born.

"Do you want to cut the cord?" Maggie offered.

Charlie smiled and nodded. He cut the cord, “It’s a boy?” He asked and then glanced down to check.

"Good size too for a 35 weeker." The consultant remarked.

“Takes after his dad.” Charlie replied. “Can I hold him? Or does he have to go to be checked over?”

"I think we can hold fire on that for a few moments." The consultant replied nodded to a nurse to hand Charlie the blanket she was holding to wrap the infant in.

“Is Duffy ok?” Charlie asked as he wrapped his son in the blanket and held the baby to his chest.

"We just need to deliver the placenta and make sure the blood loss is minimal."

Charlie nodded. He looked down at his son and smiled brightly, tears in his eyes.

Duffy groaned, her eyes heavily lidded but focused on him.

Charlie stroked his son’s cheek. “Hello son.” A tear rolled down his cheek.

Duffy pulled the oxygen mask from her face. "I see him?" She gasped.

He brought the baby over to Duffy. “Look? He’s perfect.” He kissed her forehead.

She tried to reach out her arms towards the baby but she was stuck in an awkward position due to the spinal block.

“Relax.” Charlie reassured, “As soon as you’ve passed the placenta and you’re in a cubicle, you can hold him.”

She sighed in frustration but relented.

He kissed her forehead again. “I love you. I’m so proud of you.”

"So tired."

“I know baby.”

"Don't let me sleep."

“I won’t.”

Several minutes later the consultant removed his gloves and moved to talk to them.

“Do you want to take her to theatre?” Charlie asked.

"I don't think we need to currently but I want her under half hourly monitoring for the next twenty four hours just to be on the safe side."

Charlie nodded, “So far things look ok?”

"Yes. The blood loss was more than average but significantly less than she's suffered on previous occasions."

"I just want to hold my baby." Duffy muttered.

“Is she ok to hold the baby?”

"The anesthesia won't wear off for a while yet but I don't see it being a problem as long as she's assisted."

"Its my legs I can't move. My arms are fine!" Duffy grumbled.

Charlie rolled his eyes playfully and nodded. He moved towards the bed and held the baby to Duffy’s chest. “You’re still so argumentative.” He whispered.

She smiled as she stroked the baby's back, her eyes never leaving him. "I don't like being talked down to or about like I'm not here."

“I know.” Charlie smiled, “You were so agitated about the baby... Why?”

"What?"

“You kept saying someone would kill the baby. Is that what you believed?” He asked quietly, “That something bad was going to happen?”

"Did I? Must have been the drugs." She shrugged nervously.

“Babe, talk to me?”

She stroked the baby's cheek. "He's so perfect."

He smiled, “Just like his mummy.”

"You're sure he's OK?"

“Yes I’m certain.”

#chuffy #charlie and duffy #charlie fairhead #lisa duffin

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sickofitall-blog1 · 6 years

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Perfectly imperfect

I stand out on the deck and i watch him, a lone tall figure stood looking out at the ocean. By all appearances enjoying the view but knowing him how i did i could see the tension, the weight of the world on his shoulders. And i added to that

I sighed

I didn’t want to run or hide anymore, that’s what the point of all this was wasn’t it

I looked back in to the holiday home that was ours for the next 4 days and headed out to my husband.

We had been through a lot recently, the last few months had been difficult to say the least. Where did it stop when did we get a break? I approached him and he moved his head as he heard me walk over the sand to him

Hey.. he looked back at me, hey

You alright... yea just needed a minute.. it’s beautiful out here.. really is.. but.. he looked at me,. But what?

You’re not really here Damien you’re not even seeing that view are you

He sighed and rubbed his neck as if he could ease his own tension but i knew from personal experience that wasn’t possible

Talk to me? Remember you can lean on me too

I get so angry though and i shouldn’t not at you.. if you’re mad at me be mad at me because holding it in isn’t helping.. you would know about that too.. yea.. you and my brother and my mum.. babe.. i reaches for him and he flinched. Moving away

That hurt. That was a first. He hadn’t been a physically affectionate person till i came along and i thought i had helped him become one, it was how i comforted him but if he didn’t let me touch him..

He looked at me then and i could see the pain etched in his eyes, those sea green eyes i loved so much. That hid everything from everyone but me.. how could you do it.. do wha—- don’t ask stupid fuckin questions.. i nodded.. i knew what he meant of course, everything that had happened up to now.. i don’t know.. how did you keep it from everyone? How did you cope.. i was in denial, i still am.. about what, tell me about what because i am trying to understand and I’m trying to be kind and supportive but sometimes i just want to fuckin.. he grabbed my shoulders and held me looking in to my face.. i just want to try and get it... everything.. i whispered and he shook his head.. stepping back letting me go but i can still feel his hands on me, he may have bruised me but i didn’t care. I stepped toward him.. my family, the whole marriage everything was a denial it doesn’t make sense but pretending it wasn’t happening was my way of coping.. and now? Now you’ve just snapped out of it? What if it happens again.. it wont i won’t let it dont you believe me.. i don’t know, i know you’re stronger than you think and that you’re doing so much to get better but i also know how damaged you are and our kids, my liam, i won’t let him be anywhere near any of that shit.. do you think i don’t know that or want the same?.. i do.. so what is it what’s eating at you now? Just say it to me..

He grabs my head his hands on my throat and i can see him shaking.. you should have told me.. i know you don’t think i think that everyday? I was in some stupid state inside, the haze comes out and I’m in that you’ve seen it for days sometimes i was scared it would take over i didn’t want to mess up zak and dan anymore and then i met you and .. i would have done anything to protect you you know this.. i do.. so much time wasted.. what do you mean?.. sometimes i get so fuckin mad at you for making me love you like this... I’m sorry..

I can feel the tears well up in my throat as he holds it, in a trance like state.. i love you so much i thought you were the one to save me, i told you what happened to my mum i couldn’t protect her and i can’t protect you.. you can? You do.. you make me insane and i hate you for it sometimes thats the honest truth i love you so much but you made some stupid mistakes and i hate you for it.. i nod.. you did this to us.. i know.. i shouldn’t.. i understand.. he squeezes his hands and i catch my breath, my hands go to his automatically

Damien

My airways closes as he squeezes tighter and i can see him watch me.. Damien i can’t, you’re hurting me.. i gasp holding on to his wrists that have me in a vice like grip. He’s so strong and solid.. i don’t feel anything, it’s as if i deserve this.. his anger .. he squeezes tighter and i try push to no avail but I’m weak I’m tired i don’t deserve him.. it’s getting darker and i feel my eyes roll back. And suddenly a gust of air.

I take in deep breaths unsteady on my feet as he lets me go. I hear him swear and come toward me

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck

I go down to my knees on the sand and he’s with me.. are you ok? Baby I’m sorry I’m so sorry.. it’s ok it’s alright.. it’s not fuckin ok let me see you..

My eyes are watering i look up at him his eyes softening and concerned now. My Damien. I hold his hands to my face. It’s ok.

I didn’t even, i wasn’t going to hurt you i just.

I nodded. It’s ok to hate me a bit? You’ve held it all in so long.. i don’t hate you as a person just... i nod.. you could have said this though.. his hands soften to my throat. Fuck.

He looks away. We need to keep the kids away from it or I’ll lose my mind .. i know i agree.. i know you want to visit your brothers the baby but we need to figure this out cos i can’t be in this state whenever you go.. i nod.. tell me what you need from me Damien.. he looks at me..

I want you to myself, you me and the kids and nobody else..

If you want me to stop going i will.. no don’t do it for me, i know you want to keep the kids away from it i can see that.. do you trust me .. he sighs.. i hold my breath wandering.. did he? Was that the problem was that why he had almost snapped. Because if it was..

Yes

I look at him relieved and can see he means it.. i trust you, i trust you’d do anything to protect those kids.. i would.. but what about you?.. yea the next time something happens and there’s an argument who looks after you? Nobody.. i don’t think anyone would physically hurt me.. he’s still around.. he won’t.. no he fuckin wont cos I’ll kill him.. i don’t trust my dad i don’t trust my mum, I’m not going to fall in any traps i just have to make some distance, which we have, as the kids get older they’ll make their own decisions about seeing their cousins but my influence, our life our family that is what comes first for me here, that’s what i want to give them.. he nods.. we are on the same page

I think so

We sit there for what feels like hours until he speaks again

I wouldn’t ever leave you but if i had to i would do anything to protect the boys.. i know that and i want that too? But if you don’t believe me.. i do I’m just scared to death of the next bad thing, when do we catch a fuckin break.. maybe we dont.. oh great... maybe it’s what we make of it and we muddle through it.. so this is it?.. yea and we either make it worth it or we don’t, you make it all worth it for me though you always have but if i don’t for you.. my tears threaten again and i look away.. he holds my face.. what did i say to you I’m not going anywhere.. and you just said if you had to you would protect the boys, you don’t believe that i would do the same??.. of course i do, it’s just going to get harder isn’t it, i need to know you’re in this 100 with me, we’re doing this our way.. i am, there’s no doubt in my mind at all I’m with you, i just want our life..

I take a breath and swallow and it hurts, he sees me and i see him wince.. let me see you.. it’s ok.. it’s not, i shouldn’t have.. i hold his hand kiss it.. you have every right to be mad at me and you don’t have to hide it, i know it doesn’t mean you love me less, when i suggested we take a break at the start of all this.. it’s not happening.. i know but maybe we needed it, you spent so long making sure I’m ok through everything i told you you didn’t even process what i had said and done... he looks down at the sand.. I’m not perfect Damien.. well neither am i.. but you had me on a bit of a pedestal maybe that’s why this anger had to come out, do you think.. i just was so mad for you and i still am i still ... he looks away.. but i am mad at you too.. i nod.. i understand.. he squeezes my hand in his.. i just felt bad about it, but maybe we did need this.. i look at him as he continues.. i love you to death that doesn’t change at all ok? I love you so much it’s.. stupid?.. little bit

I nod again. He puts his arm around me pulling me to him... the boys are ours we decide where they go and who they see.. I’ve made that clear.. and they stick to that or you’re done.. i think i am, it’s not just words from me too much has happened.. way too much, if that’s what it comes to, you’re not alone you’re never ever alone ok you’re my family you’re our family we have you.. i snuggle in to him and i believe him..

He holds me to him as we watch the waves roll in.. my perfect imperfect man.. we’re going to be ok ... he needed this.. it had been building for so long and his love for me made him hold it back when it needed to come out.. I’m not mad at him i can’t be.. whatever he felt it’s out now and we’re in a better place a more honest place

i feel it..

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

#vent/ //#might delete later ///#ok to rb but. i swear to god if this pops off and ppl whine...... literally L I T ER A LL Y come take care of my kids #NO BETTER YET BC ITS ACTUALLY FEASIBLE!! FOR EVERY COMPLAINT. 5 DOLLARS IN MY PAYPAL #SO I CAN AFFORD DAYCARE. LITERALLY IF OYU CLAIM ANY STUPID SHIT BC I ADMIT ITS HARD TO CARE FOR SMALL KIDS #U HAVE NO EXCUSE TO NOT PUT THAT FAKE BITCHY JUDGY CONCERN INTO ACTUAL RESULTS. THANKX #anyways on a real note again this is a vent moreso than a disc horse post thats meant to be shared around so #its not perfect its just. my feelings over the past couple years dealing w this man #really fuckin tired of it i really spent so many years 100% on the side of 'i have critical understanding i get to judge'#no i didnt. no you dont. its not comprehensible till you're pushed to your own limit with childcare. i hate being that btich #cuz nobody wants to hear it. but its the truth swallow it #long post //

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Another patented Bunni Brand Random Game Idea I Will Probably Never Actually Make(tm) Guess what, its another pet raising game! Why am i so obsessed with these! Maybe because there AREN’T ENOUGH GOOD ONES and I DESPERATELY NEED THEM, YO

Anyway, the theme of this one is kinda S.C.P-esque? Not actually set in that series since I haven’t read much of it and I’m a huge wimp for psychological horror anyway. But I mean its set in a vaguely similar “organization for paranormal creatures” type of setting. The idea I had was “an artificially created god”. The facility only has one monster in it, and it’s like a homunculus they created themselves and are struggling to control. Flew too close to the sun! The aim of making this creature was to try and make an angel, or a channeler, or just something that can bridge the gap between life and death and answer our questions about what the afterlife really is. But they failed to think about the mental strain on the creature, they basically took a child and poured all of infinity into its head! Plus it doesn’t even know how to interpret any of this stuff, or explain it to humans. It has no perspective on any life other than this, so like... “what? I didn’t mention that cos I thought everyone already knew!” Or when its asked to predict the future it doesn’t know what any of these things mean since it’s never seen the outside world- “people will fall” could mean a mass death from disease, a literal death from an earthquake, one person tripping in france, or even just “my dolls fell off the shelf”. This small room is this creature’s entire world, how is it meant to know that you don’t consider the dolls equally important?

So, anyway, the player’s perspective in all this would be as... the janitor! Well, former janitor turned caretaker for a terrifying oracle child. How did this happen to meeeee?! Sort of an accident happened and the creature imprinted on the first person it saw when it was born. And the researchers are WAAAAAY less equipped to control it than they expected! All their containment facilities failed, which led to it getting far enough away from the lab that it bumped into this janitor in the first place. He was just a hapless dude sweeping the fakey harmless business exterior of the place, completely uninitiated into the true purpose of the place. Until someday some baby monster came flying through the wall and somehow it ended in a hug??? Now he’s their only method of (at least temporarily) containing the monster. For some reason it seems to be bound by oaths and words, if its “father” orders it not to do something then it obeys. Sit here in this room and don’t leave, don’t hurt any humans, stop breaking all the locks and bars just to boast that you can, it really demoralizes our staff! But it’s always searching for loopholes to someday escape. That would be exceptionally dangerous- humans are a fun toy to play with, and it doesn’t understand why you can’t fix them when they break...

So yeah, thats why this random ordinary man has now been forcibly initiated into a high position in this organization, and Has No Choice In The Matter. He has a huge amount of power as the only one able to control the beast, but also zero power in the organization as the latest noob and totally unqualified candidate. And they can’t kill him cos they need his power, but they can always torture him until he cooperates... (”We’d really rather NOT do that though, it would be such a waste of resources~”) Also this guy’s personality is just a super shy and anxious Good Dad who wouldn’t have the courage to be able to pull off a daring escape even if he had the opportunity. He’s sorta spent his whole life already just saying “ok” to everyone bullying him, this is no different. I was imagining this story as maybe a place to put the Iggy character I created for that random lets play, cos I’ve grown pretty attatched to him! Or maybe it could just be a similarly adorable shy dad, or another gender even? I was just thinking that a short round huggable parent is what this story needs, so Iggy is the perfect puzzle piece to slot into it~

So you’d spend every day selecting between different options to try and parent up your new monster child, similar to stuff like Princess Maker. The goal of the organization is to make them more obedient and find ways to make use of their powers to profit humanity. But the protagonist’s personal goal is just to show the monster love like a normal child, prove that it can live peacefully with humans someday. You have to balance these goals, otherwise if this whole project is deemed unprofitable the higher ups might just trash this monster and build another... And then in-between all this you’d get scenes of the protag being generally bossed around by the higher-ups, and learn more about this organization and how to operate within it. You can potentially expand your protagonist’s skills too, form relationships with your coworkers, and navigate a complex web of lies to eventually find some way to escape...

Though I think that the “just escape” ending would probably be the bad one, cos without you they have no way to control the oracle child. It’d be the ending of sacrificing everybody to save yourself, and spending forever on the run as you keep hearing of the cities destroyed by this monster trying to track you down. Of course, the ending where the two of you escape together and become a real family would be way more positive, but you’d need to complete your quest to earn the monster’s love and socialize it and etc first. Possible other endings: Go full organization and get sucked into their perspective of seeing this thing as just a thing. Stop caring about the monster child, treat it like shit, and experience success in your new job! Be a mindless yes man! Live happily ever after! :( Alternatively, maybe you can end up synmpathising TOO MUCH with the monster child? Instead of convincing them of the virtues of humanity, the general assholeishness of the organization makes you lose faith in it. But what would even happen if you refuse to cooperate with your orders? Maybe even could end up as just another monster locked up in this facility, and forget you were ever human :(

And then for the oracle child itself, I actually have no clue what kind of design I’d like to give to them? i was initially thinking a very humanoid one, cos it’d be creepy to have a creature that looks human but doesn’t act it, and everybody treats them like a mere object that’s never gonna be capable of real sentient thought. But then I’m also kinda like “ehh maybe people would be dissappointed the design isn’t a more monsterous monster child”. And I’m not sure exactly what sort of humanoid design I want, even? Their powers were meant to be mostly like psychic and such, so maybe a big ol monster eye in the middle of the forehead. I want something that’s at least a little bit spooky but can also be cute once you get to know them. Oh, and all I know about their gender is that I definately don’t want them to actually be a “them”, yknow? Nonbinary characters only ever being non-human is a weird trope in fiction. Its like the only representation we’re allowed to get is stuff that reinforces that we don’t exist in real life, both as an intentional and unintentional message. So yeah if there’s gonna be any Characters That Are Like Me in this story, they’d be one of the human characters. The kid will be a boy or a girl, even though I’m using “they” here until I decide it. Also i don’t know whether they’d be a formerly human child who was experimented upon to give them powers thus “oh no organization is evil cos they did that to an innocent”, or they were just created out of nothing like a homunculus and have always been a monster. That would lose that establishing aspect for the organization, but it would perhaps be an even more powerful metaphor for like.. love and stuff. This kid is worth loving not JUST because “there’s some human in them, deep down”, but because they’re an innocent and they’re a sentient being, and them just not being human isn’t a justification to treat them like an object. Anyway! Their personality! They’re just as innocent and have as much potential for goodness as a normal child, even though they seem scary at first. And they don’t understand humanity very much, and nobody’s ever really shown them kindness before or tried to teach them morality, so why would they know what it is? Its not like they’re intentionally being “evil” though, if they understood the consequences of their actions properly it would destroy them.

I was actually thinking of a particular potential scene where they temporarily escape and cause some chaos. It would initially be like “oh god they really are evil and you were stupid to trust them”, because you see that they killed a guard during their escape. And the guard would be one of the few nice npcs in this evil organization, and someone the child seemed to be developing a friendship with. It would be a REAL punch in the gut! So now you’re not trusting this kid anymore, yet you still have to come to work the next day and pretend like nothing’s wrong. And the kid acts like nothing’s wrong too, they don’t seem to comprehend why you’d be angry or upset, reinforcing the perception that they must be pure evil at heart. And its just a really awkward, messed up day at work, for the first time feeling like you’re being held hostage taking care of some dangerous monster that doesn’t care about you, even though that’s what they told you on the first day of the job... And then.. at the end of the day... they ask you when their friend is coming back. And you realize that they don’t even understand what they’ve done. Nobody bothered to explain death to them. They don’t understand that these “toys” can’t be fixed when they break. Possibly even a super creepy scene at some other point where their arm gets ripped off in an accident and you have to sew it back on, to establish that this homunculus creature is super hard to kill? Also i was thinking that.. well its not like they can’t understand pain, its just that they feel so much pain constantly that the minor additional pain when they take physical damage doesn’t matter enough to notice. You have to try and explain the concept by being like “you know that thing you feel 24/7 when your power is overloading and it burns inside your head? Other people feel that when their arms fall off.” And also maybe they have trouble understanding their own powers? Like, they have to learn to be able to turn the oracle visions on and off at will, initially they just happen at random and the kid can’t choose what they look at. They don’t even know if its from the past or the future, or how far in the future its gonna be, or what it’s about or who its happening to. And sometimes they don’t even realize they’re in a vision, so it’s hard to understand the consequence of your actions when you might have been seeing the events out of order. Also imagine the kid being like “you lied! you said they went somewhere where they weren’t coming back but I just saw them!”, but then they realise that their friend was just repeating stuff that they’d already said, and nobody else saw them there. So they realise that it was just a vision, and it really is true. Maybe they just go catatonic for a few days and try and live forever in the past, only waking up when they’ve finally managed to come to terms with the meaning of death... :( Or maybe they break out of their cell and run to the morgue and summon up every ounce of their power, try EVERYTHING to wake up the guard, and finally break down crying for the first time in their entire life when it doesn’t work. And imagine how SCARED they’d be to see a corpse! They ran down here expecting to see their friend just sleeping, and they see this cold and empty doll that doesn’t even look like them anymore... :(

Also, less depressingly, I was thinking of endearing moments where the kid’s emotionless facade would break in the rare event you’re able to show them true happiness. Like for example, their everyday life is just sitting here in this cagey room with barely anything to distract them from the boredom. They only even have a sparsely occupied bookcase because the organization was like “ugh, if it’ll make the thing more cooperative i guess we HAVE to”. And so the kid has just obsessively devoured those two or three textbooks, and one day comes to you like “So when is the test?” They’ve read the books hundreds of times and memorized everything right down to the punctuation and spelling mistakes. And they don’t even understand the CONCEPT of recreation, because every day is just testing. If these books were here, there must have been a purpose, right? When are you going to test me on them? Hell, they might even get a bit pissed off when you say there’s no test, cos those books weren’t even fun and the only hope they had of some minor enjoyment was the mystery of the test at the end. So then you introduce them to STORY BOOKS and they’re like HOLY SHIT WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS WAS A POSSIBILITY.

And you find a lot of trouble trying to explain the outside world to them, when the idea of “grass” and “sky” just seems so ridiculous. So you go get a carpet swatch for the sake of comparison, and you find out the kid hasn’t even ever experienced THAT! Imagine them going totally nuts, like this thing is goddamn catnip. MY PERCEPTION OF LIFE IS EXPANDED BY THIS CARPET SWATCH! Imagine the protag convincing the scientists to put a carpeted floor on their cell, and the kid just being so impossibly happy that they never stop rolling around on it. “Goddamnit we can’t predict the future if our secret weapon is doing floor cartwheels for two straight weeks” (Relateable note: I literally feel this way as an autistic adult. For some reason carpet swatches work as a low budget stim toy for my stupid brain XD Also jam is like the opposite to carpet. if even the tiniest drop of jam lands on my hand, the grossness freaks me out so much that I can’t concentrate at all until i scrub my hand to death. Even if i wipe it off I can still feel it!!)

Oh, and its also surprisingly endearing to imagine when Creepy Moments intersect with these cute scenes! Like, moments where the kid is being pure and innocent but also reminds you they’re a monster. Getting too excited by a new toy and causing everything to levitate around in a tornado of poltergeist activity! Or, maybe moments where the kid is trying to say something completely normal and cute, but it accidentally gets misunderstood as creepy cos of their social inexperience? “Father I have the SKIN HUNGER.” = “Yknow that feeling when you really want a hug, but I don’t know the word for a hug cos none of these science guys ever show any affection.” The closest thing the kid has as a reference is being picked up and carried to the latest testing room when they refuse to walk there on their own, so sometimes they misbehave on purpose to experience this almost-hug. Tho having a hug with a hazmat suit guy while locked up in handcuffs isn’t really all that enjoyable, the scientists wouldn’t dare touch monster-kid without eighty billion protections. Actually, having a hug could be a really monumental moment, like a milestone for both of you. Kid understands humans enough to be able to vocalize this wish, and trusts you enough to think you’d give a different answer to the scientists who always say no. And you’ve overcome your fear of the big ol scary monster enough to hold them, and you’ve grown to understand them enough that you can figure out what they want when they’re not able to explain it well. And then it could be super sad and heartwarming cos when you have them in your arms you realise how fragile and thin they are, how much pain they must be in from their shaky breathing, maybe you can even see scars you never noticed on their scalp from all the experiments...

And probably there’d be a lot of other scenes like this, where all of their “creepy” actions can be linked to a misunderstanding or a cry for help, and you can always resolve it and help them become more human. It would help make the scene of them accidentally killing someone be even more of a misdirect, like “oh my god, was I wrong this entire time and they really are evil?” But at the same time you’d also have more reason to want to hear them out, even when the situation looks impossible to explain. And it would be even sadder that this time the “and in the end they learn to be more human” part would be learning something horrible, a part of life that’s just going to make them suffer more. :( And speaking of which, the protagonist would also have to develop away from his initial optimism, kinda? Like, the bad result is where the job makes him become more jaded and he eventually becomes an asshole just like everybody else in this organization. But the good result would be becoming jaded in a different way. Becoming less oblivious and naive, aknowledging that evil exists in this world. And addressing his blind cliche optimism, and replacing it with like.. actual real optimism that he came to out of his own free will. Like not just being nice cos you’re too scared to argue with people, but also being brave enough to stand up and say that something is wrong even when you’re scared of arguing! And also reexamining his rather cliche views on good and evil. This job has also been showing him how evil humans can be, as well as how innocent this monster is. Maybe its wrong to look at it as “I’m teaching them to become more human”...?

...anyway i have a lot of ideas for this idea, lol sorry this post is so long

#blunni thoughts #dumb random game ideas #tho i dunno if that idea about the accidental murder scene might be too much #maybe some other sort of less extreme scene #that has the same sort of impact of 'wait did they betray me??' but then you find out they didnt

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me-importa-mother-blog · 7 years

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it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means?

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together.

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever.

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love.

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit.

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it.

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children.

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid.

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did.

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

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